Torn (18 page)

No pun intended.

ELI

W
hat the hell am I thinking?

That was the problem, though, I wasn’t. I was feeling. Conflictive emotions strangling me, none of which I could grab hold of and run with. I was so angry at her all I wanted to do was ice her out with silence. But I also couldn’t stop myself from picturing us writhing around together, limbs entwined so tightly I would have no idea where she ended and I began.

Then she touched me.

My first instinct was to disengage and shrug away from her, but the heat of her palm eradicated my initial reaction, so I chose instead to give in to what my body wanted.

Or was it my heart?

Since the day I found out she’d moved back home, she was on a constant loop, running through my thoughts every single day. So many questions went unanswered, and all I did was create scenarios of why she’d chosen to leave back then. I’d often envisioned what the years had done to her physical appearance, hoping her guilt had eaten away at her beauty. But it hadn’t. She looked even more stunning than she did when she was younger.

My imagination had been on fire, but it didn’t hold a candle to the reality of her.

Of course, such was the way my life had played out, I didn’t only have the issue of confronting her and demanding answers. That would have been enough to deal with. But no. What does fate decide to throw at me?

A child.

A son I had no idea even existed until I saw him standing in her driveway, his eyes fixated briefly on me before he was ushered inside. She’d thought by shielding him, she could erase her lies and betrayal.

How wrong she was.

A noise behind me brought me back around. I was still turned away from her, but I could hear the shuffle of her feet, her uneasiness wafting off her in waves.

How was I going to handle us going forward? Without a clear-cut plan, I backed away from the window and walked from the room. I needed a few moments without the threat of her saying anything to me…or touching me again.

“I’ll be right back,” I mumbled, disappearing around the corner before she could respond.

Pacing back and forth in the kitchen and raking my fingers through my hair, I spoke softly to myself. My need to eliminate my demons was too overwhelming.

I was doing perfect before she came back home. But if she stayed away, I would have never known I was a father.

Slamming my fist on the counter, anger coiled itself around every cell in my body, rising up enough to choke me again. I knew right then it was going to take me a long time to forgive her betrayal. She never pushed me, though, always giving me time to come around and adjust to the reality of fatherhood. She never told me no when I wanted to spend time with Holden, or simply talk to him on the phone. She never uttered excuses to cut our time short, like he had too much homework to do, or he was up past his bedtime. Never. Kalista was perfectly pleasant during every encounter we had together, even going so far as cooking foods she knew were my favorites.

As I stood tall, determined to finally hear her full story, her excuses and reasons for leaving me and keeping Holden from me for all these years, I pushed off the counter and walked down the hallway, breathing heavy with every step I took.

The closer I was, the faster my heart beat. I was finally going to get the closure I needed, allowing me to decide how to proceed going forward. One thing was for sure: my son was going to be the most important part of my life, our bond forming rather quickly already.

As far as Kalista and me? I had no idea. Oftentimes, I pictured us as a happy, loving family, but then other times, when reality slapped me in the face, I viewed her as simply the mother of my child. Maybe someone I could call a friend in the far-off future. Nothing more.

But that was the thing about life—it had a way of punching you in the gut. And just when you were doubled over in excruciating pain, it lent you a healing hand. Helping you to stand on your own two feet, a fucking smile placed on your face and a lightness around your heart you never knew you would feel again.

No matter how much I planned my future, fate was going to interject.

As I approached the den, my doorbell rang. Stopping instantly, I had no idea who was standing outside, interrupting one of the most important conversations I was going to have with Kalista. All of a sudden, she appeared in the doorway, glancing at me then turning her attention toward the front door.

It was then I realized I never discussed whether or not I was seeing someone, the strange look on her face giving away that those thoughts were crossing her mind.

We exchanged a quick look before I stepped forward and placed my hand on the door handle. Tugging, I pulled it open to reveal who decided to show up unannounced.

Shit! What the hell is she doing here?

Beth stood before me, a little wobbly on her feet as she looked me up and down. She’d never shown up at my house before, the agreement being I always went to her. I wasn’t naïve enough to think she would never find out where I lived, but it was simply a rule she didn’t come to me.

I had those stipulations in place for a reason, mainly because after I eventually ended the relationship, I didn’t want to have to deal with women stopping by whenever they wanted, trying to convince me to continue our arrangement.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, my solemn look a dead giveaway I was a little more than annoyed with her intrusion. Never mind the fact I was frustrated with myself for not biting the bullet and ending it with her weeks before like I’d initially planned.

She couldn’t have picked a worse night to intrude.

“I thought I would come by since you keep blowing me off.” Her words were slurred, which was a shock to me. In all the time I’d known her, I’d only ever seen her tipsy once, the night we’d run into each other at the bar when Mike had spilled the beans about his sister being pregnant.

Ignoring her accusation, which wasn’t completely off-base, I asked, “Did you drive here?” As the last word left my mouth, I looked past her only to see she had indeed driven her car to my house. Intoxicated. Even though I no longer wished to see her, I still didn’t want her to harm herself, or God forbid, someone else.

“How else was I going to get here, silly?” she teased, reaching forward and holding on to my arm for balance. Sensing things were going to become a little more awkward, I bit the bullet and invited her inside. It had started to rain, and a drunk, wet woman would be worse to contend with.

Movement in my peripheral vision jerked my attention away from Beth. Kalista was trying to make heads or tails of the woman stumbling into my house. Even though Beth wasn’t my girlfriend, had never held that title, she was someone I’d been fucking for the past few months. Granted, there were never any feelings on my part, other than sexual, but Kalista didn’t know that. For all she knew, my longtime relationship had showed up at my house, like she’d done numerous times before.

Why all of a sudden was I conflicted between explaining myself to the woman I needed answers from, and letting her think I’d moved on just fine without her?

Does she still feel anything for me? Does she want me? Does she still love me?

Fuck, do I still love her?

Constantly questioning myself where she was concerned was slowly driving me insane. Nothing had been the same since I found out she’d moved back home. The hurt and anger I’d felt before her return had fully exploded the second I saw her…and my son.

Anarchy plagued my entire life. While I knew I was being a little dramatic, my emotional state was all over the place. I felt as if I had to work even harder at displaying my everything’s fine face even more to those I interacted with day to day, especially to Kalista.

Minus my break in judgment earlier where I basically attacked her, I’d been successful in portraying aloofness.

Until Beth showed up.

Drunk and pulling my focus.

Feeling the need to explain her place in my life, I’d instantly become agitated.

Tripping over her own two feet, Beth stumbled forward again. My arms reached out to catch her and it was then she came face to face with Kalista. The two women stared at each other, both of them trying to figure out who the other was to me.

Kalista was reserved and quiet, her eyes and quickened breaths the only signs she was struggling with blurting out fifty questions.

Beth, on the other hand, wasn’t so discreet.

Looking back and forth between me and the mystery woman standing in my house, Beth garbled, “Who is she?” Eyes unfocused and faltered movements proved she was even more intoxicated than I’d originally thought.

“It’s complicated,” I answered. I had no idea what to say or how much to reveal. Not knowing what role Kalista played in my life, other than being Holden’s mother, made me stop talking immediately. About her, at least.

“Are you fucking her, too?” she whispered, but it was loud enough for Kalista to hear. Turning my head in her direction, I saw her step back inside the library, her eyes flying to mine before she turned around. It was quick, but I’d seen the pain on her face before she walked away, no doubt leaving me with some privacy to deal with the evening’s intruder.

“It’s none of your business,” I bit out, stifling any further words from lashing out when I pulled her back toward the front door. Placing her against the wall, I commanded, “Stay here.” With a stern look, I waited for her to agree. Once she had, I quickly disappeared into the other room.

“I’ll be back in a half hour. Don’t go anywhere.” Her back was to me the entire time, but I knew she heard me. A gentle nod was the only sign she agreed.

Grabbing my keys from a nearby table, I headed out the door, my tight grip ushering Beth from not only my home, but from my life, as well.

KALISTA

“I
’ll be later than I thought.”

“Really?” From the way my mom asked me that, I could tell she was hoping it was a good sign, that Eli and I were becoming closer and would finally work things out between us. But it simply wasn’t the case.

I had no idea who the woman was who showed up, drunk and a little more than pissed off I was in his house. Was she his girlfriend? He was obviously having sex with her, seeing as how she’d confessed as much when she saw me.

The mere image of Eli having sex with another woman was heartbreaking, even though I had no right to him or who he chose to share his bed with. But it didn’t stop my heart from aching or from the unfortunate feelings of jealousy to appear.

“It’s not like that, Mom,” I mumbled.

“Not yet, but it will be. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention. He still loves you, honey. Have no doubt about that.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked incredulously. “You’ve only been around us together twice, and one of those times was for no longer than five minutes.” I would be lying if I said her pep talk didn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy, but I knew she was only saying things she thought I wanted to hear. She could read me like a book and my feelings for Eli were probably written all over my face, although I hoped and prayed he hadn’t taken notice.

“A mother knows.” She chuckled. “And even more so, a woman knows.” I heard the smile in her voice and I had to admit…it was contagious. I was grinning from ear to ear when I heard the gravel of the driveway kick up, signaling Eli had returned.

“Mom, I have to go. He’s back, and we still have a lot of stuff to talk about.” I took a deep breath. “Are you sure you’re okay with canceling your plans tonight to watch Holden?” I knew her grandson was the apple of her eye, but I wanted to be sure I wasn’t inconveniencing her too much. She’d already been so generous letting us take over her house, depriving her of privacy for who knew how much longer.

“Don’t be silly,” she teased. “Oh…and Kalista? Be smart if you have sex. You don’t need another baby right now. Maybe after you’ve worked everything through and are back on your feet,” she babbled.

What the hell?

“Mom!” I exclaimed. Eli had chosen that exact moment to come strolling through the front door. I must have looked like a deer in headlights because he stared at me with concern, a bit of confusion mixed in for good measure.