Totem (21 page)

              “We should do that sometime.”

              “I don’t know if I believe in fortune tellers.” I reply as we turn the corner and walk in front of St. Louis Cathedral. “It just doesn’t seem real.”

              “Yea, well it would still be fun.”

              “Perhaps,” I shrug. “So where are we meeting the guys?”             

              “They said on the corner of Jackson Square closest to Frenchmen by the cathedral. So that would be just over there.”

              Michelle points toward the meet up spot as we advance. I do a quick scan of the area and the guys are nowhere to be seen. Finally, we get to the spot. I look at Michelle who shrugs back.

              “I’ll text them to see where they are.” Michelle states.

              She whips out her phone and begins texting. I look around for a place to sit. The only bench open is the one next to a fortune teller. I begin to walk over to the bench with Michelle following. The old woman looks up through the shawl draped over her head. She sits behind a small circular table decorated in black gossamer. A single candle sends little flits of light dancing across her face etching deep shadows through her wrinkles, revealing her age. Beside her is a little wagon with a bag sitting inside. Perhaps the wagon is to help her move her belongings night after night. In my head, I begin to picture the old lady wheeling the little cart to and from this very spot each night. My daydreaming is startled as I become all too aware of her gaze upon me. I make eye contact with her. She smiles a half toothed smile. The flitting of the single candle makes her seem that more surreal as I return her smile.

              “Would you ladies like your fortunes read?” Her voice crackles but is sweet with the hopes that we will take a seat and pay her for our fortunes.

              “No thank you.” I state as I take a seat on the bench trying to get as far away from her as I can. Michelle takes the seat beside me. She is distracted by her phone as it beeps to life with another message no doubt from Daniel. I sit waiting for a response from Michelle while checking our surroundings. As I skim over the walk way, I notice out of the corner of my eye that the old lady is still looking at us. I make eye contact with her once more and give her a weak smile with a wave. This she welcomes freely as invitation to speak.

              “You are so young to be with one so old.” She states searching my face. “The raven…”

              Confusion fills me as I stare back at the little old woman. She hunches over and for the first time I notice the cane. She smiles warmly at me letting her eyes drift up to the skies and the rooftops that surround us. What did she mean by the raven? Can she really tell my fortune or read my mind? Maybe this is all just coincidental luck. Maybe, but then again there is wisdom in the old. Her gaze lands back upon me. Her smile drops slightly revealing almost a grave expression in her eyes.

              “There is a darkness that follows you isn’t there my child?”

              “If you mean Michelle, then yes.”

              I crack a joke to make light of the situation. I cover the fact that my heart is beginning to pick up speed as the vision of my vampire pursuer rises in my head. The old crone looks at me slightly unhappy with my response. Immediately I regret the joke.

              “No, your friend is surrounded in light. She is happy.”

              Michelle smiles at the compliment. I meet her gaze and she gives me a shrug. After all, anyone would take that compliment.

              “I see the guys!”

              I follow Michelle’s little finger to see our two friends walking up the side street towards us. Relief washes over me as I thankfully rise from my seat and straighten my shirt. Daniel and Jake see us and wave. I begin to walk to meet them.

              “If you ever need your fortune read… or other help,” chimes the old lady. She hesitates. “Be very careful of the darkness.”

              “Thank you.” I respond politely.

              Her words ring in my ears as the moment left me more than shaken. I am ready to go relax and enjoy the night, but I know there is a whole other set of problems I am willingly walking into with Jake.

             
It’s only a kiss,
I think to myself as Jake leans in. We are standing on the balcony of some cozy little night club off of Frenchman Street. The downstairs bar area is packed but a small staircase to the side gives way to a relaxed little bar with a band above. Daniel and Michelle are inside dancing on the wooden floor in front of the stage completely oblivious to the conundrum I face out on the balcony. I look down on the street for help. People below walk merrily fueled by alcohol. I look down the street further to take in the unique buildings that help define an entire culture of a city. The music mixed with the balcony and the backdrop of a city I love seems like the perfect place for a kiss. So why does it feel so wrong? It is wrong to me because it is not Ty. I choose not to lean forward into Jake’s kiss. I leave him hanging. I can’t lean forward.

             
He opens his eyes revealing the look of disappointment and embarrassment. Immediately he plays it off by taking a swig of beer. He looks off into the distance avoiding eye contact with me. Oh no! I’ve hurt him.

              “Jake, I’m sorry.”

              I hear myself say the words but I cannot feel them. He is not the guy I that want to kiss and my heart knows. It is my mind that is confused. I wait for Jake to look back at me. I know I don’t want him to kiss me, but I also know that I want him in my life. Is there a way to have both with a guy? Can he just be my really good friend? I wait for him to take me back. Not as a lover, but as a truest of true friend.

              “It’s Ty isn’t it?” Asks Jake

              I look at him surprised he remembers the only few times I have spoken of Ty in conversation. I nod my head.

              “I can tell by the way your eyes light up when you say his name.” states Jake.

              “I know. I just don’t know where Ty and I stand.” I confess for the first time out loud.

              “If he weren’t in the picture, would you be interested in me?” asks Jake

              His eyes finally meet mine. I look into them. I did not know what to say. Words sometimes can hurt a person more than weapons. They can cut deeper than any metal and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt Jake. He smiles revealing his boyish dimples coercing the truth from me. So I give it to him. Jake deserves the truth.

              “I would want to say yes, but I don’t know if it would be true or not.” I reply. “I like you a lot Jake. You mean so much to me. You have become a good friend and even a part of my family here in New Orleans. I don’t want to lose you. It would be like losing the older brother I never knew I had.”

              “So you see me like an older brother type?”

              “In a way… yes.” I shrug. “I would not want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship because I would want you around forever just like true family.”

              I pause. Jake takes another swig of beer and then watches me for a while. I break our locked gaze to look out over the street. It is funny how one little moment can change a whole friendship. Now here I stand helpless to the outcome knowing we can’t retreat back to what used to be. That path has too many bumps. Now we must push forward either growing closer as friends or separate eventually becoming strangers.

              “So I guess it would be kind of weird if you made out with your brother.”

              I turn and look at him. A huge, dimple filled smile crosses his face as he beams at me out from under his baseball cap and floppy hair. I smile back.

              “Yes, it would be weird.”

              “Then I guess it would just be best to be really good friends.” Jake replies holding out his arms. “Friends?”

              “Friends,” I agree as I walk into his open arms. We hug allowing all the rocky events of the past week to fall away and spring to life what hopefully will be a new, closer type of friendship.

              Relief washes over me as I get lost in his hug. It is hard to put into words my feelings for Jake. It is as if I have known him all my life. In him, I find the unfaltering acceptance that can only be found in a true loving family. There are very few things I can do wrong in Jake’s eyes because he cares for me. He has touched a spot inside my heart reserved only for my family. The truth is he has become a part of the family I have made here in New Orleans.  I am a hundred miles away from my biological family but here in this city, I am creating my own and I am excited that Jake still wants to be a part of that even if it is not in the exact way he wants to be.

              I pull away from his embrace in time to see a very agitated Michelle bustling towards me. Her brow is furrowed and her lips form into a pout. She is clearly upset about something that has just happened. Immediately I release my hands around Jake’s waste and face her.

              “Are you ready to go?” asks Michelle.

              I search her face but it is stone. I chance a quick glance behind her to Daniel. His chest is slumped down with his hands resting in his pockets. He makes eye contact with me, shrugs his shoulders then drops his eyes to the floor.

              “Is everything ok?” I ask turning my attention back to Michelle.

              “Yes, fine,” responds Michelle. “I’m just ready to go.”

              “Daniel and I can walk you back to your car.” Jake offers.

              All three of us glance over to look at Daniel who meets our gaze. Like a puppy who has just been reprimanded, Daniel looks toward us for satisfaction that everything is going to be okay. Michelle in response shoots daggers. He averts his eyes letting them fall anywhere but on her. She turns around with sparks flying in her eyes ignited only by Daniel.

              “No thanks.” Anger etches in Michelle’s words.

              “Are you sure?” asks Jake

              “It might be safer to have them with us.” I add.

              “I’ll take my chances out there.” Her tone and eyes soften a bit as she looks at me. “If that’s ok with you, I would like to leave really soon.”

              In her eyes is a bit of sadness despite her anger and frustration. Perhaps a little bit of hurt from something that Daniel had said. I look at her briefly studying this unique moment. It is the first time since I have met Michelle that I have ever seen her show sadness. It is a small amount but it is there none the less. I nod my head in acceptance of Michelle’s plea to escape the situation. She gives me a nod right back her moment of vulnerability completely replaced by determined anger. She gives a quick nod good bye to Jake before turning on her heels. Her hair flicks with the motion as she purposefully walks past Daniel. He attempts to wave good bye but his efforts are futile. At that moment, he is invisible to Michelle. All she sees is her way out.

              “I’ll talk to you later.” Jake states.

              I smile at him giving him one more giant friend hug good bye before turning to follow Michelle out the door. I look at Daniel apologetically as I walk up towards him.

              “Can you do me a favor and text me or Jake when you two are back at the dorms safely? I just want to make sure the two of you are safe.” Daniel waits for a response.

              “What happened?”

              “I’m sure Michelle will fill you in as soon as you are out the door. Please let me know when you are home safe.”

              Daniel gives me a hug good bye. He is clearly worried about Michelle and whatever has happened between them has not changed his feelings for her. I take the door to the hallway and walk down the stairs. Michelle is outside waiting for me by the bouncer. As soon as she sees me, she begins walking. I catch up to her and fall in with her brisk pace. We walk a block or two without talking. The little clicks of our shoes become the steady rhythm of the night broken only by trickles of people passing by. Their party shouts of jubilation following them to their next destination.

              “Can you believe him?!”

              Confusion riddles my face as I process this brief outburst. She is still fuming. Her steps are purposeful as she tries to walk off her anger.

              “Michelle, I need you to elaborate if you want me to agree with you. What happened?”

              “He told me that he did not want a serious relationship. He said he cares about me very much but doesn’t know if he is ready to settle down.”

              “Is he seeing other girls?”

              “I thought the same thing from his answer! So I asked him and he said no.”

              “Well, that’s good news, at least, isn’t it?”

              “Yea… but what is the point?” Michelle exclaims throwing her hands in the air. “He is not seeing anyone else. We get along great. He comes over to see me all the time. We text message back and forth. He says I’m pretty. I mean we are always talking and he does all these sweet things. Then he doesn’t want to claim me as a girlfriend. I don’t get it.”