Totem (25 page)

Ty does not speak for a long time. He stands there staring at me. His face is so unreadable, but his eyes…His eyes search mine compellingly; hopefully.

“Your eyes,” he begins. “They are so… vividly blue.”

I know exactly what Ty is doing. He is trying to break the tension. He is trying to make me smile. I roll my “vividly blue” eyes at him. Then turn and walk on the beach. He follows.

“That’s all you have to say to me?” I say staring forward as I walk. I see him out of the corner of my eye.

“No.” Ty replies as he begins walking by my side.

We walk together for a while, two people torn apart but somehow so desperately needing each other. I wait for words that never come. There are so many things that I want to say, but I can’t form a sentence. There are even more things that I wish he will say to me, but nothing comes. So we walk in silence, me scared to talk, and listening to the sound of Lake Pontchartrain in the morning and him right beside me. I love being beside Ty. Sure, New Orleans is warm, but all the warmth I ever need radiates from him. He is my comfort.

Half way down the beach, Ty takes my hand in his and doesn’t let go. I fight back more tears. It is bitter sweet. It is sweet because his touch is exactly what I want in that moment. His touch is exactly what I want for the rest of my life. Bitter in the fact that it will hurt even more when he finally accomplishes pushing me away like he is supposed to do.

  We reach the end of the small beach and turn to walk it the whole way back to campus. I look down the sandy shoreline at the distant place that will be the end of our journey. Sadness and realization washes over me. I do not want this walk to end. I never want this walk to end. In my time of need, Ty came to my rescue. He saved me from the vampires. He became my light, my flame. Like the men that hold the flambeaux lights in the parades, Ty is mine. He is the light in my life. I did not want the light to fade or go away for I am the pathetic moth attracted to the always wavering flame. So I do the only thing I can think of to never reach the end of that beach. I stop.

Ty looks at me and for the first time since the beginning of our walk. I look into his eyes. His light chocolate brown eyes stare at me inquisitively. I am frozen in place. All I can do or be at this very moment is lost in his eyes. Neither one of us speak. The gentle sound of the water caressing the beach is all I hear. I know Ty hears things differently. He can hear my heart. He hears me breathing.

  “I don’t want this walk to end.” I blurt out. Teardrops well up in my eyes.

Ty looks at me and then looks down at the end of the beach.

He sighs.

“It has to end.”

I feel that hard lump in my throat begin to rise up.

“Who says?” I ask as I restrain the quiver in my voice. “We can run away. We can leave this place.”

He looks at me and smiles. His russet colored skin looks so beautiful in the morning light.

“We have been over this.” He says as he gives my hand a light squeeze. “I gave up my right to belong to myself. I belong to my people.”

The words come out of his mouth, but his eyes…his eyes tell another story. There is pain in his eyes. There is a sadness that extends further than I can comprehend. I have only seen this type of pain in the eyes of my grandfather at my grandmother’s funeral. It was as if the love of your life had slipped away. My grandfather was lucky though to spend all those many years with his love. My time seems over before it even begins. Ty turns his gaze away from mine. My heart begins to race. I know he hears it.

“What is it that you want?” I ask in a quiet voice.

“I want you to be happy-”

“No,” I interrupt. “What is it that YOU want? Not what you want for me, for your people, or for anybody else. If you can to choose one thing that you want more than anything in the world, the one thing that will make you happy, what would it be?”

Ty is taken by surprise. I do not think he was ever asked this question or if he was, it was a long, long time ago before he gave up his wants and needs for others.

“It’s complicated…It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“It matters to me.” I state, “It will always be complicated. Even if you were a normal person, it would be complicated.”

He looks down into my eyes. He lets go of my hand raising both of his hands up to my face. Gently his fingers glide across the contours of my jaw and settle behind my ears. He cups my head with his hands as he searches every inch of my face with his eyes. He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Instead of pulling away after the kiss, he lingers. Warmth radiates off his skin and onto my cheek. I feel the little hairs that I could not put in a ponytail waver by my ear as he exhales each light breathe. 

“Have you ever seen a light house at night?” Ty whispers in my ear.

I am glad he is so close to me and cannot see the surprise on my face. I did not know where that question came from or where Ty is taking it.

“No.” I whisper as our closeness causes a tingling sensation to form down my spine.

“Here on the beach, used to be a light house.” Ty begins still whispering in my ear. “Years back, I would come out here and sit on one of the docks and watch it. It would send a bright light streaming across the lake. Back then, there weren’t as many lights in the city or by the lake. So everything that the light touched would become as clear as day. That light house’s whole purpose was to act as a beacon. It was a guiding light. It showed the sailors where the shore was. It’s silly to think New Orleans needed one. Maybe they didn’t, but they wanted it. The energy in the light house produced light that showed the way for whom ever needed it.”

Keeping his hand gently clasped to my face across my jaw line, Ty pulls his head away and looks into my eyes.

“Before you,” Ty begins again. “My days were as black as my nights. It was a constant darkness with no beginning and no end. The only thing I saw was the singular purpose I am meant to have. So I patrolled and guarded the world helping others both near and far. It was a fog that controlled where my aimless wanderings went in life. I could not see the shore or where I was going and why I was on this journey. I had lost the energy and spark that I knew existed inside me.”

Then Ty leans in again and gives me another kiss. This time, he kisses my lips. At this one gesture, I lose all control of my eyes. Tears stream down my face as the sweetest kiss I can ever receive lingers on my lips. Ty stops kissing me, but his lips stay, slightly, gently caressing my lips.

“You are the light from the light house. You are my beacon.” He whispers to me. “No longer are my days black. You fill them up with light. If I could stay in your light, I would for the rest of my life.”

Then he kisses me again.

The tears streaming down my face form small endless rivers. This time, I return what is to be another one of the sweetest kisses I have ever received. My hands lift up and find his neck. I hug him so tight for fear that this is our last embrace and he will be gone any second. Slowly, I melt into him as he releases me from his kiss. His eyes meet mine.

“Then never step out of the light.” I whisper back to him.

Ty lifts a hand to wipe away the tears. Defiantly, I move my head away from his hand. I want to feel the tears falling down my face. As much as it all hurts, I want to feel everything. Most importantly, I just want to feel. For in this moment are the most beautiful words anyone has ever spoken to me. I want every emotion and every sense etched into my memory forever a part of my history. The thought of being so close to love yet forced apart hurts. Even the exquisite pain in my chest is something to take note of. The needs of the both of us are finally revealed and I cannot help but to let out a little laugh through the streaming tears. Ty looks down at me inquisitively.

“For a time,” I begin. “All I could think about was you. All I wanted was you. So I am asking you one more time Ty. What is it that you want?”

Ty looks down at my lips and draws me into his chest for a hug.

“What I want… is you.”

“And I you.” I state desperately into his chest.

“But it can’t be.”

Emptiness begins to fill me as the little glint of hope dies down.

“What if we go in front of the elders?”

“It won’t work. This is a different issue all together.”

“You made it work for college right?” I ask.

“True, but this is a whole different story. This is…” He can’t finish his sentence.

His thick arms hold me tight and I mold into him. No words are spoken. No movements are made. There we stand melted together, our arms embracing each other. Whether we meant to or not, I know we reached a different level. All the things that are pulling us apart make me hold onto him even stronger. I know I want him more.

If he feels even the slightest bit the way I feel, then it is something worth holding on to. It is something worth fighting for. It is something worth standing for. I have never felt this way before and I do not know if I will ever feel this way again. So I hold on. I hold on tight because I am not going to be the one to let go.

Then, the sweetest words that he could have spoken come fluttering from his lips and into every fiber of my being warming each chamber of my heart and soul. The words are so simple yet so right that it makes me stand there forever with him.

“You are my light.”

             
I stare blankly at the notes
in front of me, my mind fights to remember that day on the beach. Four weeks have passed since then. It is a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of life but it seems like forever to me. I went home for Thanksgiving break. Seeing the family was wonderful. Next was preparation for finals and the last few weeks of class; classes that were painfully absent of Ty. My life is absent of him. All that is left to do now is focus on the fleeting last few days of my first semester in college. However, I hold on to the memory of his passionate kiss upon my lips. I relive his touch as he held my face in his hands and I desperately will my nose to catch the scent of his skin. It is a smell so raw and so animalistic. It is a smell I crave more fragrant to me than any perfume in the world. I wipe the thought from my mind trying to find the will to continue studying.

              I have my last final tomorrow and it is the class I have been fighting so hard in to get an A. I read the notes a million times but my brain refuses to let the information sink in. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Behind me comes the light humming of Michelle as she busies herself with packing for winter break. Her last final was earlier today leaving her free to pursue whatever she wants in her free time. I cannot be more jealous of her.

              “Make sure you throw all your food out of your fridge. Otherwise we will come back to a stinky room.” She comments as she opens up her own and begins throwing things into the trash.

              “Will do,” I reply. I let out one big sigh before closing my notebook and standing up.

              Michelle gives me a big smile.

              “Everything ok?” She asks.

              I nod my head and smile back. Michelle has been extra nice to me ever since I came back from my jog and unwanted talk with Ty on the beach. I know my mood has changed, but I cannot help it. Ty left our relationship with so many unanswered questions that it plagues me. It would have been easier if it were over. It would have been hard at first, but the finality of our relationship would have meant closure.

              Of course, Ty saying yes and staying in the relationship would have been the perfect answer. I would be where I wanted to be. I would have what I wanted and I would know that Ty felt the same, but life is not as black and white as people have you believe. I know Ty wants me. I know that I mean something to him, but it is not his decision as to how much. He forfeited that when he decided to accept the gifts he was given. Perhaps in some way, it is a curse. In order to ensure that others are entitled to freedom means your rights to those same freedoms are briefly taken away. His gifts do not come without a price, but it is a price that I can never ask him to give up not even for me. Sure, I would have Ty, but it would be selfish. What toll would my happiness take on others? How could I live with myself if it meant others would die?

              My brain grasps to make sense of the reasons why Ty is so absent from my life. My mind hopes to find solace knowing that maybe it is meant to be. However, a bigger part of me wants closure. Two different scenarios haunt my mind. I want either the death of a relationship, or the revitalization of a stronger bond with a man I can possibly one day love. Having no closure without any answers is the worst spot to be in. To my struggling mind, it is unacceptable and the passage of time is too brief to dull the ache caused by Ty. I pull myself back into the present to see Michelle’s smile. Concern etches her eyes. I know I must speak.

              “So do you still plan on leaving tonight?” I ask.

              “Yeah, the drive to Houston is only five hours. Daniel wants to have dinner first then I am going to head out after that. Do you want to come to dinner with us?”

              In my brief time of misery, Michelle has found her relationship with Daniel blossoming. Daniel has given Michelle the exclusivity she wants. The outcome is an even happier Michelle who settled quite nicely into the role of supportive girlfriend. This whole week has been cute yet painful to watch as both try to out-do each other with surprise study gifts. Michelle brought Daniel good morning muffins while Daniel bought her study junk food. They even had study nights. I am happy for Michelle. However, my emotions are invested in my own personal love life and do not really reflect as strongly as they should for my friend’s new found relationship.

              “No, I’ll let you two have your dinner together.” I reply. “I am so glad everything is working out with Daniel. You seem very happy.”

              “I am,” Michelle responds with another big smile. Her smile shifts into concern as she changes topics. “Any word from Ty yet?”

              I told Michelle (in edited form) about our conversation on the beach. Michelle listened intently and was supportive, but there is only so much she can do when not given all of the information. Ty’s secret is not mine to reveal. So I hold on to it giving only as much detail as I can without revealing more.

              “Still no word yet,” I reply feeling the sting of tears behind my eyes.

              “Eh, screw him.” Michelle comments in her kick ass woman routine.

              I laugh giving her a genuine smile.

              “I think I am going to take a break from studying and go for a walk around campus. Let all the information set in.”

              “Do you want me to come with you?”

              “No, I just need to step away for a while and let the information sink in. I’ll be back in a few.”

              I grab my keys and cellphone from the desk as I walk out the door. The halls are empty. Students have either left already or are busy cramming for the last finals of the week. I open the door to the stairs. Looking down, I just as easily decide to go up. I want a moment to be alone and the only spot I know to go was all the way to the top where the stairs dead end at a locked door to the roof. Very rarely do people descend the stairs from the eighth floor. Nor is there a reason to go one more stair case up with no exit point. It is a place where I can be alone to think.

              There I sit on the rusted steps leading to the roof. The sunlight streams through the cracks of the door contrasting the harsh lights of the fluorescent bulbs on the stairs. There I sit in silence feeling the weight of my problems resting on my shoulders threatening to crush me. I sit contemplating everything. As always, my thoughts flow to Ty.

              I knew I wanted to be his from the first moment our eyes met. It was as if some unseen power drew us to each other. Then the weight of the knowledge Ty has given me caused my breath to hitch in my throat.  One thing is for certain, I can never go back to seeing the world through rose colored glasses like I have done for so long. My eyes have been unmasked to the truth of what the world really looks like and it is darkly layered with more depths than I could have ever imagined. My world changed when I watched him morph into an eagle. My beliefs faltered as he showed me the animals he can become. It would be smart of me to suppress this knowledge and walk away. It would be safer to leave it all behind but going forward also meant leaving Ty behind. Was that something I was willing to do? More importantly was Ty going to give me that chance or was his absence the answer that everything is really over?

              Tears well up and trickle down my face as anger rises in me. I should walk away from this whole situation and live life normally. My mind is being rational, but my heart…oh my heart. Damn my heart! I hug my body hoping to keep my insides from unraveling any further, but the damage is done. Slowly I unfurl as the rational side of me breaks down my heart’s desires.

              From below, I hear a door open up a few floors down. I hold my breath as the voices of two guys filter into the quiet empty corners of the descending pillar of steps. Immediately I recognize my dorm room neighbor, Andrew’s voice. The two of them are laughing and carrying on. I still my breath hoping to remain invisible as they continue their day’s activities. They are probably hopping to another floor. I just need to sit here and be quiet.

              I hear their steps on the metal stairs and realize all too late the upward direction in which they are heading. Panic sets in as I realize my delicate state. Quickly I wipe away the tears with the back of my hands. I fix my shirt and sit up a little straighter hoping to look less pathetic but it is too little too late. I see their bobbing heads as they turn the corner and continue past the eighth floor exit towards me and my secret spot.

              Andrew’s face full of smiles greets me. The second guy is the cute guy from the sixth floor that he has been crushing on all semester. They are holding hands. Immediately I regret taking this space and moment away from Andrew, but my worries alleviate as he recognizes who the intruder is in their private spot.  His smile fades as he sees me. The laughter between the two of them stops.

              “The door to the roof is locked.” I state trying to make myself seem less pathetic.

              “Darn,” says Andrew. “I saw the firemen doing stair drills and was hoping they accidentally left it open.”

              “Yeah, me too,” I reply with a forced smile.

              Andrew squeezes cute boy’s hand. They look at each other and exchange adoring smiles making my unraveled heart piece back together and melt a little at the glimpse of blossoming romance.

              “Could you give us a second?” Andrew asks of the cute boy. He nods his head then leans in and kisses Andrew before walking away. “I’ll meet you back in you room in a few.” Andrew calls down to his new guy.

              With no words and a smile, Andrew hops up the last few steps taking a seat on the step below me. He is so tall that even from one step lower his shoulders almost touch mine as I hunch over resting my elbows on my knees.

              “So you’re crushing my game being up here in my private spot.” jokes Andrew.

              “YOUR private spot?” I manage a sarcastic look at Andrew.

              “Both of our roommates are here.” He shrugs. “We were looking for a private spot.’

              “Sorry for ruining your game.” I respond jokingly forcing a smile to cross my lips.

              “So what are you doing up here all alone, Miss Storm?”

              I let out a sigh. Andrew gave a perfect line to shift into all my thoughts thus helping to lighten the burden weighing me down. The problem is all my thoughts are jumbled. I sit still allowing my mind to organize everything I want to say, but finding order has failed me.

              “I just needed to be alone for a while.” I reply.

              “Yeah, we all do at times, but what is with the tears?”

              I shrug my shoulders. How do you explain that the guy you are falling in love with has magical powers given to him by some Indian people that causes him to change into multiple animals whenever he feels like it? Not only that, but these gifts were given so he could be a super hero and fight off VAMPIRES of all things. It is absurd, fantastical and will end me up in a loony bin faster than I can spell Mississippi. How do you explain that falling in love with him is dangerous for you in more ways than one? How do you explain EVERYTHING without giving away secrets? There is no way.

              “Let me guess…it has something to do with Ty.” offers Andrew.

              I nod my head. Andrew leans his head on my shoulder and the gesture alone brings comfort to me. I begin to feel myself relax as the need for tears subsides. Just the shear touch of a caring person is comforting. Andrew sits patiently, head resting on me, waiting for an explanation.

              “I just don’t know where I stand with Ty. We have so much fun when we are together and I think I am falling for him.”

              “Honey, you have already fallen for him.” states Andrew as he lifts his head off my shoulder.

              “He could be dangerous for me. We connect so much, but I fear where it might lead.”

              I try to describe how I feel to my new listener without giving away any details. It is a hard task. Andrew looks at my face and lets out a sigh. I look down. He moves up a step so we are on the same one. Calmly and gently he places his hand on my chin forcing me to look into his eyes. His eyes were like mirrors showing my reflection back at me forcing me to look at myself through them.

              “The way I see it, Kimber, is that there are two outcomes to every relationship. You two will either be together in the end or you will be apart. Which outcome is reached is up to you.”

              “Don’t you mean that it is up to me and Ty?”

              Andrew drops his hand from my chin as he looks down at a piece of paper left alone on the steps. He picks it up and slowly begins to ball it up. I watch him contently glad that I can no longer see myself in his eyes.

              “Kimber, I have kissed a lot of frogs hoping that one of them would turn into my prince charming. I mean A-LOT.” Andrew lets out a little laugh. He smiles forcing me to smile back at him. He continues rolling the ball of paper between his finger and his thumb as he looks once more into my eyes causing me to see myself again. “I can’t pretend to know anything about guys. I have hurt just as many guys who have hurt me. Yet, I continue going forward. Each of my relationships seems to end with us separating never to really go back from the hurt we have inflicted on each other. Sometimes it is I who does the inflicting. Other times, it is them, but regardless I know the look of a man who is lost to someone. I have seen the way Ty looks at you. I watch as you unconsciously adjust and pose under his gaze.