Totem (24 page)

              “I am no good for you.” He states as he walks into the kitchen.

              “What?”

              His body is tense and his walk purposeful as the distance between us grows. Ty opens the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of water. He slams the cap on the counter, a physical block between me and him. This is a side of Ty I have not yet seen. Anger and frustration deepens the lines across his chiseled face.

              “I shouldn’t be dating you.” He begins. “All I can do is bring you pain. Besides, why would you want to date me?! I am gone all the time. All those nights you texted, I was out on missions. My phone was here. All those times you wondered why I was missing classes, it was because I was needed elsewhere. There are so many other men who can give you what you want. Guys who can give you more than you need. There are so many guys who are free to be with you whenever the thought crosses their mind. I am not one of those guys. I am not in control of my own life.”

              On that final sentence Ty closes his eyes. The words he speaks have cut him touching something deep within. I watch as this strong silent man of mine slowly becomes undone by his emotions. Anger slowly giving way to despair shadowed with a longing. Ty opens his eyes and stares at me.

              “Show me.” I state. “Show me what you are.”

              He looks at me with all the anguish of a person trapped in two places set in his face. With great reluctance, Ty lifts his head to the sky and lets out a cry. His body pulsates. The air around him seems to shimmer and gyrate as his form shrinks down. The cry of a human man is replaced by the screech of an eagle. I gasp in surprise. There sitting on the counter, is a beautiful bald eagle. Its stature is strong and proud. Slowly I edge closer to this majestic bird. I reach out and touch its feathers having to firmly remind myself that this is Ty. A screech rises up from the bird forcing me to jump back. The air around him begins to pulsate again as the shape of a cat forms and materializes in front of me. The panther spans the whole granite counter top. Its body slumped so that it can fit on the ever too small space. The sleek black feline wraps its tale around itself as brilliant golden eyes gaze into mine. I slowly bring my hand up and touch its face. The fur is smooth to the touch. I gaze at the beast in front of me reminding myself over and over again that this is Ty. Gently I stroke my hand across the contours of his jaw the way I would a house cat. A low purr vibrates up from its throat causing my whole hand to shake as this giant cat contently closes his eyes.

“You’re beautiful.” I comment in complete awe by what has happened in front of me. The feline opens its eyes as the air around it begins to vibrate and pulsate. Energy swirls around it as the form changes once more. I leave my hand on his chin. I want to feel what it feels like to Ty to undergo this change. The vibration tickles my palm as Ty’s form molds back into his human self and his chin settles in my palm. I look into his eyes. I am all too aware that the pants and remaining articles of clothes Ty was wearing moments ago are now lying on the floor and the man in front of me is completely naked. The only thing in between us hiding him is the counter.

My heart flutters and all I can think about is how beautiful Ty is. I cannot explain why I feel this way. Should I be scared? Should I be appalled by him? Even if I should, I cannot. It just seems to all make sense to me. The absent classes and missing calls can all be explained. I am glad it wasn’t explained with something worse. My hands carelessly caress the contours of Ty’s jaw as I gaze into his light brown eyes. To me, he is beautiful. This man who seems so unreal to me once I first saw him is indeed something that is unreal, magical and heroic. He is someone unique in every sense of the word. I look at him with a new found adornment that warms my heart and makes me long to touch him even more. Then I see the pain flash in his eyes as he closes them.

              “I see the way you are looking at me and it can’t be. I have given up my life so that I may save thousands more. To date you, would be selfish. I have tried and this is just not working out.”

              The confusion that was slowly turning into acceptance quickly makes a downward spiral to anger. Finally, everything has come to light. All the unaccounted for times finally make sense and now Ty is breaking up with me?! I begin to feel angry tears well up in my eyes. Perhaps my reaction to this new revelation is more than Ty expected, but he hasn’t giving me a chance to let everything set in. I want options. I want the right to decide for myself. I pull my hand away from his face and place it on my hip.

              “So I don’t have a say in this?”

              Ty’s eyes widen in surprise. This is clearly a reaction that he was not counting on. I try to maintain a poker face as Ty searches for any sign that I may falter. I see hope rise in his eyes, perhaps at the promise of sharing his life completely with me and my mood begins to lighten. I see a smile cross his lips. Then another thought enters his mind and the smile disappears. He sinks his head in anguish as he struggles internally with his thoughts. Silence spans between us as I wait for an answer knowing full well the answer I want.

              “No.”

              I look at him surprised. His eyes meet mine and they are resolute. In his mind his decision is final.

              “Tonight is only the beginning, Kimber. As long as the vampires know you mean something to me, they will continue to hunt you. They will use you against me and I cannot have that. I cannot put you at risk. If you get hurt, I could not live with myself.”

              I look into his eyes and there is no change. His mind is made up. I glare at him mentally willing it to be different but the animated face from a few moments ago has completely disappeared. I feel the man I have fallen for slipping through my fingers and there is nothing that I can do about it. Out of the muddle of my mind rises one quote I learned last year in high school. Our teacher made us memorize one of Shakespeare’s sonnets. The melodious words comes washing back to me in splotches. However the one phrase I remember stands prominent in my mind and I whisper it out loud.

              “Love is not love when in it alteration finds.” I look at Ty. “I know what you are and I accept it. I even think it is wonderful, but what I do not accept is you taking away my choice. I want to have a choice in this Ty. My life is my own. Can’t you give that to me?”

              His face is unchanged by my words. He looks every bit the Native American warrior I see in movies. I begin to get angry. I do not know if I truly love Ty, but I want the decision. I want Ty to give me the time it truly takes to fall in love. I do not want Ty to decide for me because I know my answer will be yes and when my answer is yes, I want to bear it out until the end of time just like Shakespeare writes. I want to see where our relationship will take us even if that places me in danger.

              “No,” states Ty. “I would not be able to live with myself if anything happens to you because of me.”

              I look at him. My eyes fill with tears. Anger rises up in me as the right to choose my own path is taken away from me. I feel the tears ripple down my cheek and I turn my back on Ty. I don’t want him to see me cry. I walk back into the living room.

              “Take me home.” I order without turning around.

             
The sun rose shedding new light
on the subject. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself fall so utterly and desperately for a guy? I look over at Michelle. She is the same as when I walked in late last night cuddled up beneath her sheets fast asleep. The clock on my desk reads 9 a.m. I got in around 3:30 a.m. I should still be asleep but here I am wide awake and sitting straight up in my bed with last night’s events twirling around my head like dancing sugar plums on Christmas Eve night. Is that a lame analogy? Well I don’t care! I am done playing it cool. I will be the nerd I am deep down inside.

              I throw back the sheets and hop out of bed. I am too mad to go back to sleep. I get up, take off my shirt and pull on a sports bra. I might as well be productive and go for a run if I can’t sleep. I open the drawer and pull out a clean t-shirt. I slept in shorts last night and am good to go in that department. Hastily I put on my socks and shoes. Cursing my feet, I retie my shoes which in my anger I tied too tight. If I don’t put them on just right my feet will hurt after the first few miles. I hear rustling from Michelle’s bed.

              Darn! I thought I was being quiet. I think to myself.

              “Kim?” calls out a sleepy voice from amidst the piles of blankets.

              “Yeah,” I reply. “Sorry to wake you. I can’t sleep so I am going for a run.”

              “What time is it?”

              “Around 9 a.m.”

              “Mk.” A soft sleepy voice replies.

              I hear a little more rustling then she is still. At least she can slip back into sleep. I grab my iPod and quietly open up the door. I step out into the hallway and gently close the door behind me. I very slowly turn the key to lock the dead bolt. I am hopping mad. I turn to go down the stairs and am stopped dead in my tracks. There, blocking the way to my exit stands the singular person responsible for all my anger. He looks at me with those chocolate brown eyes.  These are the eyes I used to so lovingly get lost in.

              Extremely angry and slightly confused at his presence here, I glare at him. I was under the assumption that he said everything he needed to say last night. He told me what he was (kind of). Then he proceeded to tell me that I needed to not be in his life. Even the ride home was etched with silence that could have been filled with words. So why is he standing in front of me?

              I glare at him. He starts walking towards me. I walk towards him, looking straight ahead past him. I can’t deal with him right now. I am so angry that nothing I say will come out right. My thoughts will either come out all wrong or I will intentionally tell him something to hurt him just because I am angry. The best thing to do is to say nothing at all.

              “I can’t talk right now.” I state as I walk past him.

              Ty catches my hand. I swirl around and glance at his eyes. My gaze would have stayed fixed on his if I weren’t so angry. Quickly I look down at his chest. He is wearing his usual casual v neck shirt. This time the color is dark grey. Almost fitting considering the type of mood I am in. My mind flutters to the thought of the damage done to his body yesterday which now seems to be completely healed.

              “If I talk right now, then nothing I say will come out right.” I reply first in hopes he will release my wrist.

              He holds on to it tight.

              “Then just listen.”

              He releases my wrist. A big part of me wants to turn my back on him and run down the stairs, but the little glint of hope that steadies close to my heart holds me to him. So there I stand, staring down at his chest afraid to make eye contact waiting for him to cut me further with his words.

              “Everything I said yesterday,” begins Ty “was true. I was given a gift that makes me different.”

              “So what are you exactly?” I begin. “Are you really a human, or are you the raven that has been stalking me or the dog who has been saving me… or are you really a lama or a frog? WHAT are you?”

              A small smile forms across his face that he quickly erases when he sees the look in my eyes. I can only assume me calling him a lama and a frog is funny to him. Well, damn, I knew if I spoke when I am mad I will come across differently than I intended. My thoughts mangle in my head and release in jumbled phrases spurred by emotion. My words clearly came out funny.

              “I am very much human. I was born a human, but now I am not. I am but also I am not.”

              What is it, Dr. Suess riddle time now, I think to myself. My mind races to strange places when I am mad. Not only that, but I am exhausted. The stress of last night mixed with the lack of sleep and unending stream of thoughts have left me both physically and mentally spent. Ty takes a deep sigh.

“Many, many years ago, I was given a gift. It is something that is respected and revered among my people. It is a gift that can be taken or turned down with no one chastising the person who turns it down. The reason why, is that it is both a gift and a curse. Do you remember the totem you saw in my house? The one you asked me about?”

              I nod my head in acknowledgment holding my gaze on his chest.

              “I can change into any animal on that totem. I can be the raven which has been following you, the wolf that saved your life, the stag on the bottom. I can be any of them. I myself and the others like me are called a Totems.”

              “Even the dolphin?”

As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they sounded silly. Damn my mouth for speaking too fast. A faint smile creeps across Ty’s lips and once again as before quickly disappears. He understands how hard speaking my feelings is for me. He understands me.

“Yes, even the dolphin. I am limited with that one, but yes. When Europeans first began to colonize America, my people were almost wiped out. We were not equipped to handle European diseases or the weapons they brought. Some tribes embraced the new comers. They even assimilated into their culture trading farming techniques for goods and knowledge. Some even married, but it was not enough to have us as equals for they did not see us as equals. They became entitled wanting not only to have our survival techniques and demean our practices, but to also take our land. Forcefully, they took our land pushing us out on a long walk where even more of us died. For many moons, we cried out for help. It wasn’t until the palest of the pale faces came that our prayers were answered.

These new people were different. They fed on the blood of others. Their skin was as white as bone and glistened in the moon.  Most people refer to them as vampires. Either way, I am the answer to their problem. I am the solution, me and the ones like me that came before me.”

He pauses for a long time allowing the words to sink in.  I would have believed him crazy had it not been for last night. I saw the vampire attack. I felt the chill as the demon locked eyes on me and I saw the wolf jump in between us. Then I saw Ty change in front of me at his house. I felt his body vibrate as the molecules formed him into different shapes. 

“Are there more of you?” I ask

Ty shakes his head yes.

“How many are there?”

“Three,” replies Ty. “There are supposed to be three of us at any given time, but currently there is just one… me – but that is not information that you really need to know. The less you know, the safer you will be. Like I said last night, a vampire has already locked onto you as a target. He follows you because I killed his maker saving your life the first night. He will not stop stalking you until he has ended you or me. It is no longer safe for you. They can and will use you to try to get to me every single time. As long as they know how much you mean to me, then you are in danger.”

My heart stops and then beats faster all at the same time. At this rate, I am set to have a heart attack before I turn twenty. Ty hears it. I know he can. He told me so last night. Why would I be in danger? On top of all that, why did Ty even start dating me? This could have all been resolved if he would have just left me alone. This could have been over before it began. Why did he make me like him?

“Listen,-“

“Listen what?!” I yell. “Listen to all the reasons you have why you are wrong for me?!”

“Well, yea” Ty replies. “I mean- no-“

“What?! Tell me what? I thought you clarified it well last night! Is it what your people want is for us to break up? So do you typically go around and get young women to date you and then break up with them when they find out what you are, or am I the first?”

“You are the first.”

“Well aren’t I special?!” I know my voice is escalating. The speed of my words is faster and I am beginning to sound crazy, but I can’t help it. He shouldn’t have grabbed my wrist. I would have been running off all this aggression if he had just listened. “You should have just chalked me up to another unknown girl that you see in one of your college classes. You could have saved my life the first night and then handed me over to Andrew to take home. You could have stopped this before it even started, but you didn’t.”

“I know.” Ty begins. “It was wrong of me, but I could not NOT get closer to you.  I could not stay away from you.”

“Explain,” I retort.

Ty’s face begins to crease. He is conflicted. Agony rises up across his beautiful guise. Had my mood been better, I would have been moved to reach out and touch him, but I remain still in my emotions resolved to stay strong. I use my anger for fuel.

“I can’t. I don’t understand why… I just can’t,” Ty looks away. The pain of it all shoots across his face. “But this has to stop now. Otherwise you will end up hurt or worse. This has to stop. You need to get away from me. It is the only way for you to be safe.”

In front of me stands a burning man. Something draws him to me and I understand all too well from my own need to be near him, but it does not excuse the bitterness of his words nor the pain of his actions. I am fuming. If that’s how he feels and wants to pretend like the past two months meant nothing to him, then obviously it shouldn’t mean anything to me. I should just let my emotions go away. In fact, I should do what I originally came out of my room to do and that is run. I should run away from all of this.

“Good. Then I’ll just go away.”

With those final words, I turn on the heels of my feet and bolt down the stairs with Ty calling behind me. I am lucky to be in my running gear. It makes it even easier to literally run away. I run down the stairs and out the sliding glass door. I put my ear buds in and turn to my running mix before I even hit the sidewalk. I hear him calling my name, but if he can run away from his “problems”, then I can too.

So I run. I take off with all the determination to move as far away from him as possible running faster and faster with each new step. I know my efforts are futile. Ty can easily catch me with very little effort. Anger builds up inside of me converting to fuel. Fuel I use to propel forward with each pounding step on the pavement.

              I did not have to look back to know that he is following me. He can’t let go. Something inside of us draws us together. No matter how dangerous we are to each other. I know he will be right behind me running, matching every one of my steps. Not that I can hear his steps. They are silent even without my head phones in, of course. He is a built predator. Ty’s foot falls are touched by the very hands of the gods silencing them with the environment around him. He is designed to be silent and each step sounds lower than a child’s whisper. I quickly cross the street and make a sharp cut left.

I see him out of the corner of my eye. He wants me to see him. That’s why he is there in that particular spot. He wants me to know that he is still following me; that it is not over. I wish that it really isn’t over. I take a deep breath.

Fine, I think as the sweat trickles down my eyebrow. If he wants to talk, we will talk.

I speed up almost into a dead sprint.  I know I cannot keep up this pace long, but I want to go somewhere where I know we will be alone. I want to talk to him and only him with no interruptions from friends, my roommate, or any random passerby.

I cross another street and run off the sidewalk on to the grass.  Quickly I pass through a black iron gate and run through the field. Even over music, I can hear the waves lightly licking against the barrier wall of Lake Pontchartrain, but still no footsteps from Ty. For him, running is effortless.

If only I can be what he is then this would never be happening. The two of us being together would never be a problem.

I stop running just before the sandy beaches. My heart is pounding rapidly in my chest from the four-hundred meter sprint to the beach.

There I stand staring out into the bluish brown water of the massive lake, sweat dripping down my face. My chest heaves up and down. I take out one of my ear buds so I can listen to the birds. Ty kicks some of the grass behind me. It is a calculated move to let me know he is there. I wait for myself to regain my composure. Then, I turn around and face him.

“Well?” is the only thing that I say. Any other words will give me away. I secretly curse my weakness. I can work out and do all the exercises to make my body strong, but I can never completely strengthen my emotions. Now, I am holding on to everything inside of me. I am fighting back the tears one deep breath at a time. I wish I could be more composed, but the mass of emotions courses through me like electricity.