Totem (28 page)

              “Can people change into elephants?”

              “I haven’t seen one yet and it is not an animal in our legend, but magic is ever changing so it is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

              “How did you figure out you could turn into other animals?”

              “Eventually over the years you develop the skills to change. You learn techniques from other Totems. The elders also studied changing so they have knowledge they pass down from elder to elder. They try to help you learn different animals. The thing is you can only change into your totem animals. If it is not on your totem, then you cannot become it.”

              “So which came first, the totem or the person?”

              “The person,” replies Ty. “The actual wood carvings do not come until much later for a Totem. It is a right of passage to receive your wood carving with all your totems. It is made after you have changed into all the animals you could possibly change into or at least that is the theory behind it. There have been a few cases where a Totem has done something surprising, but it is very rare. Most of the animals we change into are the originals that were given to us in the beginning. However, every once in a while Mother Nature will throw a curve ball.”

              “How do you know when you are done changing into all the animals you could possibly change into?”

              “You just know. There are no real clues. There is no giant sign given. There is just an innate sense that you have accomplished all the animals you were supposed to. There still can be a surprise animal later, but that is very rare.”

              We ate for a while in silence. I contemplated all the new information Ty has given me. For the first time, his words flowed so freely over the subject holding nothing back. My mind wanders a bit as I think about all that we have been through the past few months. It is an amazing journey that I will never take back. Even if Ty and I cannot be, then I will still want to remember this for all of time.  We finish our gumbo all too quickly. My taste buds crave more while my all too full stomach bulges in protest.

              “I have a surprise for dessert.” Ty gets up.

              He grabs our bowls and appetizer plates and walks to the kitchen. A few seconds later he returns with two new plates. To my amazement, the two plates are on fire! One corner of the plate has the little fire going. The other corner has a small scoop of vanilla ice cream.

              “Bananas fosters with a twist.” Ty introduces as he places dessert in front of me. “I would wait for the fire to stop before you take a bite.”

              The fire takes a few seconds to die down leaving sizzling brown sugar encrusting a bread pudding type dessert. I wait another few seconds unsure of the temperature of things that were just on fire. I take a small scoop of banana and bread pudding. Then, I take an even smaller scoop of ice cream to top it off before taking a bite. The tastes whirl in my mouth. The melted brown sugar brings even more sweetness to the bread pudding and banana. The vanilla ice cream compliments the whole dish once again sending my taste buds on a rollercoaster of flavors and sensations. It is my first time eating the dish and I cannot have been more impressed. Ty perks up ignoring his plate of dessert and watches me as I let the tastes sink into my mouth.

              “Do you like it?” asks Ty.

              “I love it.” I reply. “I am amazed at your cooking skills.”

              Ty smiles as he sits there pleased with my reaction. We eat the dessert a while with jazz music drifting out of the study. The water below us laps at the pillars and docks keeping time to the harmonious tune. I am in heaven or at least the closest earthly form of it. Ty’s spoon makes a clink as he lays it across the plate. He clears his throat.

              “So, besides wanting to see you again, there is another reason I wanted you here tonight.”

              Ty’s tone turns serious. My heart begins to race as I take the last bite of my dessert. Although the night seems to be playing out in my favor, a sliver of doubt settles into the perfect evening leaving small questions. This makes me nervous. Deep down, I feel that this is too good to be true. There has to be a catch to this night and, like most people, I wonder what it is. Nothing could be simply this perfect.

              “Let me start by telling you what happened after I last saw you. On the beach was our last encounter. I tried warning you in the dorms but when you took off, I didn’t know what to do. So I chased after you. I waited for you to be ready. Then you turned around on the beach and I saw your eyes…you in my arms…” He pauses. “Driving away from the dorms was the hardest thing I had ever done. Driving away knowing after I had found you…”

              Ty holds back his words. He is lost in them. I wait with baited breath… This is the moment that the night is leading up to. This is the reason why I am here. I know the words I want him to say. I pictured them in my head many times, but I need to hear him say it erasing the small sliver of doubt that still survives inside me. I need to see his lips form each perfect word as they come out.

              “There is something that connects me to you.” Ty begins again. “For some reason, I am drawn to you. Out of all the years I have lived, I have never felt this way before. I think the reason why… is because there was no you. This whole time, it was as if I was waiting for you.”

              My heart melts as the realization of Ty’s words sweep across me. In that moment, I feel the same. I feel completely and irreversibly changed by him. This is not just an infatuation between two people. This is no little girl crush. This is in the purest form of the word love, but it is not to be spoken this soon.

              “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard.” Ty cautions. “I can’t promise that it won’t be dangerous. Many people could use you against me. Not only that, but the tribunal itself… I don’t know if this has ever been done before.” He begins again flustered with his words. He becomes flustered with himself. “I am not safe and this will be dangerous.”

              “Ok, stop… just stop….” I interrupt. I pause a moment to gather my thoughts. “Ty, the first time I saw you, my heart began racing. Butterflies filled my stomach and I couldn’t catch my breath. Then, the more I saw you the more I found myself looking for you. Just to catch that small glimpse of you walking past or even have you look into my eyes became like a drug to me. I had to get my fix. Then you spoke and your voice became the bittersweet symphony that I could listen to forever. It was a song so familiar that I knew it belonged to me. Then your words…” I feel myself getting off topic but I had to finish. “It was as if I have known you forever. Ty, I have never felt this way before.” I pause once more gathering my thoughts. Tears begin building up in my eyes threatening my all too fresh make up. “I find myself pulling towards you. I crave your touch more than anything. To kiss your lips is the sweetest release I have ever had in my life. Those few weeks without you… those few weeks of uncertainty before the flowers… were the worst weeks of my life. Those flowers represented hope. Hope that the day on the beach was not the last time I would embrace you. Hope that it was not the last time I would kiss you.

              Ty, I fall into you every time and every time you catch me effortlessly. It is everything else around us that are the hard parts and I am afraid that if I walk away from this just because the road we are on is going to be inevitably rocky, then I will be missing out on the greatest adventure of not just my life but of all time. I would rather spend a few short months wrapped in your arms attempting to make us work and know what it is like being with you than to go a lifetime without knowing you.”

              Warm wet tears stream down my face uncontrollably. My body begins to tremble under the weight of my own words. It is a physical release matching the power of my emotional release. For the first time ever I am opening myself up to another person. The realization of this causes my voice to falter. Through short breaths and forced words I press on.

              “So whatever warning you are trying to tell me. Whatever fear you have about my wellbeing, put it to rest. You are my flame. All the events that happened previously in my life grow dim without you shedding light on my future. With you, my world is bright. In my mind, there is no going back. I can’t erase my memory and to walk away from you now with no closure and knowing that this could be great would be unbearable. So I am yours for as long as you will have me despite whatever that means.”

              I fold my napkin and dab at my eyes before placing it on the table. I stare down at it needing a break from the energy it took to summon the courage to tell Ty everything. I feel him watching me without looking up, but I need a moment alone. I need a moment to compose myself. Finally, I look up into his eyes; his beautiful light brown eyes. What I wouldn’t give to know his thoughts. Maybe I said too much. I feel my heart begin to race.

              “Say something.” I respond to his silence.

              Ty gives me a smile. Quickly he rises from his seat and in one effortless swoop I am in his arms and he is lifting me out of my chair. My heels leave the ground as he holds my weight and his lips kiss mine. Immediately I kiss back wrapping my arms around his neck. My pumps barely skim the ground and I feel my body move through the air. A feel a rush of coolness broken by the fragrant roses scattered around us and I am being pushed up against a cold glass wall. The warmth of Ty pressing on my front contrasts with the coolness behind me. I kiss back harder.

              Every thought, every feeling that I have for Ty, I have just laid on the table. There is no need to hold back anymore. So I kiss Ty. Passionately, I kiss back with every emotion I tried to express and every feeling I will ever have. My mouth searches his mouth sending chills throughout my body and a fire rising with in me and I imagine this is heaven. Ty lifts my body up higher separating our magnetic mouths.

              “Forever.” He says through ragged breaths.

              “What?” I whisper back to him.

              “That’s as long as I will have you… forever.”

              My eyes lock into his and I see fire burning. I have been holding back for so long unsure of how Ty feels perhaps knowing how he feels about me but not knowing what it meant. He is mine and I want him. He lowers me down so I can stand and begins kissing me harder than he has ever kissed me before.

              I answer back. Deeper and deeper the kisses get. Ty’s hands slide down my back and my thigh. He lifts my right leg up wrapping it around him as his kisses become more urgent. I loosen my arms around his neck and slowly move them down his chest. I feel the musculature of his body even through his thick sweater. My hands wonder down further moving slowly over each one of his abs as our mouths franticly search each other’s. As I get more familiar with his lips, I realize I want more. Something deep inside of me cries out as I begin craving more. My roaming hands find Ty’s front belt loops on his pants. My fingers slip through them. Quickly I pull Ty towards me pressing his hips against my hips and tighten my right leg around him wanting, craving and reaching for more. As soon as I do this, the kisses on his end stop.  He lets out a low growl. It is not an animal growl, but a guttural sound from a frustrated man. I look up at Ty. In his face is frustration and restraint.

              “What?” I ask with a coy smile.

              Ty adjusts his hands on me. He moves his body slightly away causing my leg to drop. I loosen my hold on his belt loops keeping my fingers resting in them.

              “We just made our relationship official. Maybe we should take it slower.” Ty states through ragged breath.

              I bite my lower lip then pout.

              “I’m sure we could make it a little MORE official.” I reply with a sly smile as I put into words what my body aches for.

              Ty let out another low growl. This time it sounds exactly like an animal.

              “Call me old fashioned, but I want to do this right. I want to savor every moment, remember every little step I take with you. That way it means that much more.”

              I look at Ty. I admire Ty’s valor. He is a gentleman. The truth of the matter is I have the opposite thought. We share very little time together because of his duties and my school schedule. Each moment we have together is precious and I want to do as much as I can as soon as I can.

              “Ok.” I reply in a sullen tone knowing the topic is not one worth fighting for at this very moment.

              This makes Ty laugh. I release Ty’s belt loops, reach around him and grab my glass of wine.  I take a big swig finishing off the rest of it. I need something to cool me off.

              “So what else did you have planned for tonight?” I ask turning my attention back to Ty.

              “No plans just dinner and talking.”

              “Well, we better clean up.” I respond. I side step around Ty and grab my plate. Ty turns and wraps his arms around me. Kissing the back of my head, he slides his hand down mine and forces me to sit the plate on the table.

              “You don’t have to clean.” Ty says pulling me into him. The feel of his chest pressed against my back almost makes me regret not arguing to go further. “I can do it.”