Toxic (Better Than You) (18 page)

             
“What if Danny’s there?”

             
“He won’t be.”

             
“But what if he is?”

             
I throw my hands in the air. “Then I’ll deal with him if he is. But he won’t be.”

             
Silence, and then, “What if I don’t want you to go?”

             
I grab the towel and tug it tighter around me. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

             
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Lo. I just
really
don’t think it’s a good idea.”

             
“Well it’s not really your decision.” I stand and start to rifle through my bag for an outfit. “How many times have you disappeared in the past week and a half and I don’t question you.”

             
Nathan rises and stands at his full height in front of me. I’m not sure if it’s meant to be intimidating or not, but I take a step back either way. “Just listen to someone for once, Lo.”

             
I bristle at his comment. “That’s all I do, Nathan. I listen. I obey. I’m a
good girl
. Fuck off, alright? I’m going to that party.”

             
We hold each other’s stare for a full minute before he rubs his face and storms out of the room.
I win
. Except it doesn’t feel good to win. It doesn’t feel good to be left, to watch the one person who cares about me walk away
.

23

April 4, 2009

             
The bar is packed tonight, which isn’t a surprise considering that it’s a Saturday night, but I was hoping it would be one of those rare times when things are slow. No such luck. It’s almost midnight and Sam is watching me like a hawk. She’s ready to go and I’m more than ready to follow. I’ve been barely here the whole night.

             
“Hey, Kait. You think you guys can handle this without me?”

             
“Yeah, sure. It means more money for us!” she yells with a smile. “You sure you don’t wanna stay?”

             
“I have plans,” I say while throwing my bar rag on the counter. “Good luck!”

             
Sam’s already standing in the hallway when I round the corner. “God, finally,” she huffs.

             
“Sorry,” I say with a shrug. “Some of us have to work.”

             
“Oh, get off your high horse, Lo.” She stops and points to the employee bathroom. “Do you wanna take a hit before we go? The party’s gunna be pretty packed.”

             
“Yeah, definitely.”

             
Once we’re in the bathroom and the door is locked, she pulls a little baggie from her purse. I hesitate. I know that I shouldn’t take the coke, but then I can feel the cold barrel of Danny’s gun pressed against my neck and give in. I just want something that will make everything better. Even if it’s just for now. Sam lays out two lines for me, smiles and hands me a rolled up receipt. I breathe them both down quickly, stand and look up at the fluorescent lights. It burns, but I know the pain will be gone soon.

             
“Here,” Sam says, grabbing my hand. She runs my index finger under the water and then puts it up to my nose. “Snort the water. It’ll help.”

             
Surprisingly enough, it does help. I do it on the other side then breathe deeply a couple of times. I’m ready. “Alright. Let’s go.”

             
It’s a short drive that lands us in front of a castle-like house that has seen better days. Sam parks the car on the nearly deserted street, and as I’m stepping out, I realize that I feel good, that I’m ready to relax and enjoy the night. Sam walks to my side and sticks out her bent arm.

             
“Let’s do this,” she says, and I put my arm in hers and let her lead the way.

             
The first thing we do once inside is head towards the kitchen. The inside of the house is a lot like the outside; old and worn. There aren’t as many people as I would have expected and everyone seems to know everyone, but this time it doesn’t bother me. I want to become friends with these people and be invited to these parties.

             
Sam places a full shot glass in my hand. “Cheers, bitch,” she says before tapping hers to mine.

             
“Cheers!” We both throw them back. It doesn’t even burn. We take three more before Sam leads us to a group of guys. I recognize Brody right away, but he doesn’t rush to hug me like last time. He’s eyeing me warily, like I’m a time bomb just waiting to go off.

             
I smile at him and it knocks him back even further. “Hey, Brody. It’s been a while.”

             
“Hey, Lo,” he responds cautiously. “How are you?”

             
“I’m good. Great, actually. Talk to Danny lately?”

             
“Um,” his eyes dart to Sam, “Yeah, I have. Lo, he’s-”

             
“That’s enough!” Sam interrupts. “No talking about that fucker tonight. Lo’s mine!” She shoots Brody a glare. Grabs my hand and pulls me into the middle of the room. Starts dancing like we’re in some rave downtown. Nobody else is dancing and at first I look around, unsure.

             
“Oh, whatthefuckever,” I yell and then I’m dancing too. Other people join and the room gets crowded and hot. I’m sweating, spinning, reeling. It feels like I’ve lost all control of my body, but I don’t care. I let it all go, let it all flow. Nothing can touch me now.

             
A warm body presses against me. Moves with me. I don’t bother to turn around because I know who it is. Sam’s eyes widen but she doesn’t stop dancing and neither do I. It seems the coke has done its job because I’ve forgotten what he’s done. Instead I move with him, amazed at how our bodies fit to each other. It makes me wonder how much easier sex would have been if I had just given in. Or been on coke every time.

             
“I miss you.” Danny’s hot breath caresses my ear. I don’t respond, just keep dancing and moving until he turns me around to face him. Runs his hands down my waist, rests them on my hips. Bends and kisses my shoulder. I just stand there and watch, my eyes taking him in distantly. The left side of his face is swollen and bruised, but he looks the same. He doesn’t look evil or scary and I realize it’s because I belong with him.

             
But do I miss him? No. I don’t even know why he wants me, why he’s fighting for me. He’s obviously not lonely. “What do you want with me?”

             
Danny takes a step back but keeps his hands on me. A confused look spreads across his face. “I love you, Logan. We belong together.”

             
“You don’t love me, Danny. You want to own me, control me, but you don’t love me.”

             
“What do you know about love, huh? Your mom never loved you. Sam doesn’t love you.
I’m
the one who’s been by your side this whole time.
I’m
the one who saved you from your mom.”

             
An elbow bumps into me from behind. Music and conversations seep into the bubble around Danny and me. Knocks some sense into me. “You
raped
me, Danny. That’s not love.”

             
His jaw tightens. “You were willing, Lo,” he says through clenched teeth.

             
Does he honestly believe that?
“Believe whatever you want, but I
never
wanted you. You claimed me as your territory like a fucking dog. I may not know what love is, but I know enough to know that I
neve
r
loved you.”

             
His open palm smacks against my cheek so hard and fast that if it weren’t for the stinging, I wouldn’t even be sure it actually happened. For the first time, I have the urge to hit him back, and the balls, too. Just as I raise my fist, though, the front door bursts open and a rush of screams drowns out all other noises.

             
It’s absolute chaos. People are running, knocking into me and trampling anyone who doesn’t get out of the way quick enough. I look back at Danny, who’s standing there wide eyed and confused before he takes off down the hall, leaving me standing there in the middle of everything. There’s so much going on. Someone screams my name. Someone grabs my hands and links them together behind my back. Pushes me forward. It takes me a minute to realize that the hand is covered in a rough material, that it’s not small like a girl’s. That it’s not Sam. I start to resist, pull away. I’m scared, confused.
What’s going on?

             
But then I’m pushed into the front room and I see the men in their uniforms, covered head to toe in black and their bulky army green vests, and I understand. I get what’s going on.

             
“Everybody get down!” one of them yells, but the hand holding me doesn’t let go. Just keeps walking, pushing me out of the front door, past all of the cops and the people I was just dancing with. I suck in deep breaths of humid air. I can’t breathe. I think I might faint.

             
“Please,” I whisper.

             
“It’s okay, Lo,” a voice responds, and my heart stops because I know that voice. But it can’t be.
It can’t be.

             
I’m pushed towards a police car and I start to panic. “Don’t, please,” I beg, tears gathering in my eyes. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

             
But instead of opening the back door and shoving me inside like I’m imagining, the front door is opened and I’m turned around to face my captor. And my heart stops. I swear to God I cannot breathe. It feels like there’s a truck sitting on my chest. Or like I’m encased in cement. Or like I’m in a tiny little box under the ground and I’ve just run out of air. This cannot be real.
This cannot be real.

             
“Is she clean, Hawkins?” a uniformed man asks. My eyes cut to him and then back to Nathan.
Nathan Hawkins
?

             
“Yeah, man, just drunk,” Nathan replies.

             
My eyes go wide. “You- you’re a-”

             
“Lo, just let me explain-”

             
“You didn’t tell me. You didn’t tell me that you’re a fucking
cop
, Nathan,” I yell. I’m so angry. So hurt and betrayed and confused.

             
“I couldn’t. I wanted to, I swear I was going to, but you weren’t supposed to be here. You weren’t supposed to come to this party.”

             
My hands are shaking. Bad. I can’t control them. I can’t breathe. “You let me- you
fucked
me. Is anything you told me true?”

             
“
What?
Lo, I didn’t lie about anything else, I swear.”

             
Now the pieces are falling into place. The disappearing, the late nights, what Danny said last night.
I invited you into me circle.
“You told me you dropped out of school.”

             
“That’s the only thing I lied about.” He grabs my arms. “Listen, Lo. I’m sorry. When I hired you, I was hoping I could keep you away from this-”

             
“When you
hired me?
You knew who I was before you hired me?!” I sound like a crazy bitch, but I don’t care. My heart is breaking, splitting in two. Maybe I’ll just die right here, right now.

             
“No. Yes.” He shakes his head. “It’s not like that. I recognized your name from the reports. I thought that if I could get you away from Danny you wouldn’t get caught up in all of this.”

             
I push his hands away. “I was never caught up in any of this! Danny left me at home. He
always
left me at home! I got caught up in this because of
you!
”

             
“I didn’t know that. God, Lo, you never told me anything!”

             
“That’s because I didn’t know you! I didn’t trust you! And look what happened when I
did
trust you!” I’m panting now. Breathing too hard. The ground tips. Soon the sky is underneath me and the grass is above me and nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. Everything’s wrong, everything is always so wrong. Nathan was supposed to be crystal clear. He was supposed to be good and honest and rock solid. I guess, in a way, he is those things, but not for me. Never for me. The ground is hard underneath me. It gives me a solid foundation to push up from. I’m wobbly, but I stand tall. Look straight into Nathan’s worried eyes.