Trigger (15 page)

“You need to help us. Take what you can but you must
tell us when you are exhausted or when the pain is too much to
bear. It won’t help you, if it’s too much. Do you understand
sweetie?”

“Yes.”

Steven’s voice sounds shaken but she doesn’t feel
any sympathy. She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. “One good
thing is that the pain will stop when we stop. If it keeps hurting
you need to tell us. It’s important Judy. We have to trust you to
be honest.”

Overwhelmed with the irony of his words, she can’t
speak, even when she feels Steven lift her covers. The moment he
starts to massage her feet, pain like hot lightning shoots through
her body. She brings up the memory of that kiss and her abandon
need and desire to love him.

The pain in her feet is now a thousand hot needles
and she closes her mind to it, instead she feels his kiss and the
ache in her belly like she’s done at least once a day since. Those
few precious hours of hope and sharing that were so real to her and
so long ago.

The pain is now doubled as Deidre starts on her
fingers and wrist and up her arms. Intense beyond any pain she’s
ever felt and it’s Simon’s face that fills her head and keeps her
from screaming. “Am I your enemy Judy?”

“Yes.” His beautiful face winches and she sees and
feels his pain she caused by her words. Honesty hurts as much as
deceit, but at least recovery is possible.

“Stop Deidre, she’s going into shock!”

The pain stops and she wants to sleep but she’s so
cold with clammy sweat covering her from head to toe and now she’s
trembling so hard she can hear her teeth rattle.

She’s been here before a bunch of times since she
can remember and it was always her Dad spanking her with hundreds
of hard hits to her butt and legs and back and face only stopping
when it hurt him too much to hurt her any more. When it wasn’t fun
for him because she could only lay there and take it. Her tears
were gone like her screams that didn’t make it stop. She’d pass out
and wake in the same bone deep cold and covered with sticky sweat
and shaking.

Steven’s barking orders at the nurses and it sounds
like her Dad yelling at her to get up off the floor and get out of
his way. She’d crawl to her corner and huddle in her blanket and
hold herself tight, when she was warm the trembleys would stop and
she could sleep and forget.

“This is not a normal reaction to light massage.
Something else is going on with her. Get new x-rays and . . .”

She doesn’t want to hear anymore. She wants to climb
into BB and driveway from all the hurt in her body and in her
heart. But BB’s dead and there’s nothing to do but take it and go
to sleep and forget.

The smell wakes her, delicious, yummy, she reaches
out to the air and Simon finds her hand and kisses it.

“I had a tough day too. I thought we could celebrate
our mutual survival, so I got Richard out of bed and he made us a
Judy-Judy-Judy with Julie bun. Here open wide.”

Simon places a plastic spoon in her mouth and warm,
creamy sauce screams comfort and sunny Sunday afternoons.
“Mmmm.”

Simon laughs and does the same. “The first time I
did that, I thought I was going to explode with happiness, Judy.
That was my finest moment and I never got the chance to thank
you.”

He cuts small pieces and feeds her. They eat in
silence until they’re both full.

“Steven loves you in his way, but Deidre is better
for him. And besides, you are meant for me. I need you and I can’t
live without you. I think I loved you the moment I saw you.

“It was at your entrepreneur group. You were all
about ignoring me and I kept teaching trying to reach you. Bright,
obviously intelligent and I saw ambition and someone special
wrapped in beauty. I ran after you when you left. You saw me, but
still you stepped into the bus and waved goodbye to me through the
window. I was crushed.”

Simon snorts a laugh.

“I yelled out that you were great and thanked you,”
she justifies.

“And you left me standing on the sidewalk with all
your business friends looking at me like I was an idiot. You’ve
always run from me.

“I had been at a late meeting that was troubling and
difficult. I was driving and thinking through it, when I realized
that I had no idea where I was. Then out of the dark a flash of
long legs and arms pushing furiously you ran like the wind in front
of my car.

“I slammed on my brakes, but you were gone. I
couldn’t believe it was you. Why in the Hell were you in that
neighborhood. It was dangerous at best and you were out there alone
and vulnerable in the dark. I tried to keep up with you, intending
to get you safe in my car and take you home. Every time I got near
you, another burst of speed and you were gone again. Finally you
ran into a building and I knew you were at least somewhere you
knew.”

Simon squeezes my hand. “You scared me to death
Judy. I called in a favor and found out that’s where you lived. I
couldn’t believe that someone like you who’s too precious for this
world to loose, would be playing with death around every corner of
that place to live there and drive a $60,000 Jaguar!”

Simon laughs but it’s not his happy laugh. “I
concluded that you were nuts and needed someone to take care of
you. But you ran every time I tried to get to know you and you to
know me.”

Simon puts the straw to her lips and she slurps the
last of the Diet Coke.

“Go to sleep my lovely Judy. I’ll be here when you
wake up.”

She’s been taken out of
her room, a hallway, an elevator more hallways. The smells are cold
of metal and linoleum and tile floors. People rush by her and it’s
only Simon holding her hand that keeps her from screaming, “Stop. I
don’t want to go wherever you are taking me!”

The doctor is going to test her eyes and see if
there is any change he says and adds quickly that it’s not going to
hurt. She hears at least three voices surrounding her. She grips
Simon’s hand when they start taking the bandages off.

“Don’t be afraid. The room is dark, except for
ambient lighting. If you can see, it will be gray and shadows.
Don’t let it scare you.” A woman’s voice says and Judy hears the
smile in her voice. She figures the woman is trying to reassure her
and make her feel comfort. She fails.

They’ve unwound the wrap that went around her head
and now they’re slowly removing what feels like cotton squares over
her eyes. Simon gasps.

“You’re healing nicely and we don’t expect any
scaring. It would take a few months before they go away
completely,” Dr. Snider says. “I’m not going to wrap them again, so
you’ll be wearing very dark sunglasses that look like goggles to
keep all the light out.”

She groans with pleasure, maybe she’ll get to wash
her hair for real and take a shower. She groans again at the
thought.

“You all right, Judy?” Simon whispers concern in his
voice.

“Shower,” she whispers back. He squeezes her hand
that’s starting to tremble. She can’t see anything. Nothing. She
can feel her eyes move and open and close, because it hurts some.
Nothing.

“Relax Judy; I’m sure you can’t see anything. I
didn’t expect you to see. It’s like building a fire. It thinks
about burning before it starts to burn. I’m going to put a light in
your eyes to check for reaction.”

She can’t tell if he does or not. All she can feel
are his fingers holding her eyes open. Another doctor, takes his
turn and then another.

“Okay, that’s enough for today. Melissa is going to
fit you for glasses. We’ll talk later.” He leaves and she hears two
other people leave with him.

Melissa’s chattering and it’s annoying. Simon is
very tense and she can smell his fear that she’ll be blind forever.
When Melissa leaves Judy hears stressful voices outside the
room.

“Not yet. Let me work with her. We’ve just started.
If you go in she won’t have any chance.”

It’s Steven’s voice. He’s fighting for her?

Melissa comes back in and she hears Dr. Snider, “Two
weeks, no more.” Annoying Melissa keeps chattering away like
getting these heavy and probably ugly glasses are the coolest thing
in the world. Steven is fighting for her.

She and Simon haven’t said anything, they’re just
holding onto each other. When she’s put back in her bed and it’s
quiet, Simon lays his head over her arm. She pulls her hand away
and strokes his head.

“I’ve never felt your hair before. It’s really thick
and feels good on my fingers. I love the color. Your hair is like
black velvet.” She’s running her fingers through it when the door
opens loudly.

“Okay, Deidre and I will work with you three times
everyday. Since I can’t trust you to tell me when it gets to be too
much, Simon I’ll need you to be present. First session today is in
one hour.” He stomps out.

“Simon, why does Steven run a boxing club if he’s a
doctor?”

Simon wraps an arm around her waist and lays his
head on her stomach. She continues to stroke his hair and then his
neck and shoulders. “You’re very strong and have great muscles. You
feel stronger than you look in a suit. Do you workout?”

“I work with Steven about five times a week after he
closes.” He mumbles into my stomach and it tickles.

“What do you do?”

“Run, weights, box.”

“Like me!”

“Steven kept talking about this girl he was training
and how good she was doing. He once said that if he put her and me
into the ring, she’d knock my lights out. He called her Judy. That
was the first time I knew it was you.”

She felt Simon turn his head and look at her while
still lying on her stomach. “Those glasses are the ugliest things
I’ve ever seen in my life. I didn’t think anything could be ugly if
you were wearing it.”

She laughs knowing that her instincts were right and
then spends the next few minutes, feeling his face memorizing every
line and shape and fitting it to his picture in her head. When she
traces his lips, he opens his mouth clamps down on her finger and
sucks it.

“Simon!” She feels him bite down with his teeth. It
doesn’t hurt but it ignites something deep in her belly. Simon
quickly lets go of her finger and holds her hand close to his face.
She can feel his breath.

“I make you quiver, Judy. That’s what you do to me,
every time I see you. Kind of hurts doesn’t it?”

“Yes but it’s a good hurt. What does it mean
Simon?”

He laughs kissing her hand. “It means my lovely Judy
that I turn you on.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Simon tightens his arm around her waist and kisses her stomach. She
can feel it through her bedspread, sheet and hospital gown.

“That’s enough. Judy’s
had enough.” Simon is upset with the trembles he feels in her body
and the sweat that is pouring off her.

Steven and Deidre stop immediately and Steven spends
the next ten minutes taking care of her, checking vitals and
inserting a short drip of muscle relaxant and a cool drink of
something sweet and citrus.

“This is delicious, why couldn’t you have prepared
this for me instead of all that green/gray sludge?”

“Different need, different drink. I made that for
what you need now.”

“Thank you.”

“Go to sleep. We’ll be back in four hours.” Deidre
kisses her forehead, Simon’s cheek and they’re gone.

“Simon go home, take a long hot shower, check your
emails and make the calls that are worrying you. I feel fine and
I’m getting sleepy, please go and take care of yourself and
business. I feel guilty and I don’t like it. It’s causing me to
stress. But come back in four hours, please.”

“I don’t want to leave you. It’s seems
reckless.”

“Will you bring me something chocolate?”

“How about something cold and chocolate.” Simon
seems to be getting into the creativity for new and different
confection surprises for her.

“A sundae would be great, but hold the chocolate
covered cherry. I was so angry over the one you sent me that I
don’t want to remember it.”

“What are you talking about?” Simon’s upset.

“After the Sunday deli thing, you sent a huge sundae
with a chocolate covered cherry on top. Your innuendos and the
smirk on your face when I left, you looked mad. I figured you were
getting back at me by insulting me for being a virgin. I opened the
box on my desk and I almost shot it. I even had my gun out.”

Simon launches off the bed. “Is that what you
thought?”

She doesn’t know what she said to get this angry
reaction and then he’s in her face. She hears his anger even though
his voice is low.

“Judy, for one I didn’t order the chocolate covered
cherry, the guy who made it must have put it there. It seems
reasonable that a cherry tops a Sunday and since my instructions
were that everything had to be chocolate that was his solution.
Secondly, I think its precious that you’ve never made love and will
give yourself to only the person you fall in love with and want to
marry. You don’t think much of me do you?”

Her voice is filled with tears and shame for her
huge and apparently incorrect assumption. “We don’t know very much
about each other, do we?”

Simon laughs and his voice softens to nearly a
whisper. “No and may I remind you that it isn’t my fault. We’ve
never communicated for more than four minutes at a time. How many
times did I invite you to dinner and conversation, a play, a movie
and a walk in the park? You decided who I was and decided I was a
despicable womanizer without ever taking the time to know me. No, I
guess we don’t know very much about each other, but I know I love
you and as vulgar as it sounds I’m happy that I finally have time
to get to know you now because you’re hurt and can’t get up to
runaway from me.”