Trigger (24 page)

Holding that soft, small hand that is blessed with
huge talent and capacity to love, Steven’s words to Suzanne are
much the same as he spoke to her. His words crushed her heart and
that’s when she realized that Simon was dead and was never going to
hold her hand again.

Two days after her
episode in the alley -- Steven calls it -- Judy still has that
out-of-body, lethargic, hopeless futility she’s hidden inside most
of her life. Stalwarts, a couple of incredible hours with Steven
and three weeks of charming, fun-loving Simon, is all she’s
experienced of the good times everyone talks about.

Steven was pacing at the foot of her bed, frustrated
with her because she wouldn’t get up, she didn’t want to eat, she
didn’t want to work, she didn’t want to do anything but stare at
the ceiling that she couldn’t see, but knew was there.

“Steven, just leave. I’ve managed on my own for a
long time. Just go and get on with your life. You’re making me
miserable!”

She rolled over, intending to go back to sleep, when
Steven roughly grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. It
didn’t hurt, but it surprised her. Steven had always cared for her,
but he was always many miles away, too far to touch or reach out
for his hand that she knew he would never give.

“Unless you send me away, I will never leave you
again. But I will fight for you even then. Your Mom and Dad have no
hold on you, Judy. Simon fought the beasts that tormented you and
his final gift was love and freedom from all that. What you do with
Simon’s gift, you do with your own free will.” Then he lay down
beside her and held her tight.

His words whirled in her head for weeks. She
couldn’t get them out of her consciousness, and they even took
precedence over her nightmare. Had Simon conquered her nightmares
and the ever present threat from her dad and brothers? Time would
tell. Nevertheless, Steven took control of her body
immediately.

“You and I are going to get your body feeling good
again. Everything else will fall in place once you feel good and
strong.” Steven dragged her to endless doctor’s appointments and
tests and stood beside her through and six surgeries. He was
unafraid and sure for that whole year, but she felt him waver for
the last. A new procedure that could help her see again.

“I want you to see the sunrise and sunset and look
into the faces of Michael, Suzanne, and Amy and me! I want you to
see how much we love you.” Steven laid his head on her chest. It
was the middle of the night before the procedure and she still
hadn’t agreed to it.

Free will? At first it all meant more to Steven than
it did to her. She did what she was told because with every step
forward, she felt his strength drip into her soul. Piece by piece,
Steven was relighting her fire. She began to feel it burn. He knew
and worked her harder until she begged him to stop.

“Run a quarter of a mile and do it the right way,
not that crap form you used before. Cut off five seconds and then
you can rest awhile,” he ordered and she felt him cross his arms
over his chest and stand watching her back as she ran.

He wouldn’t let her workout at home. He dragged her
into the car twice a day to the club. Only when he had her in the
pool or the whirlpool did they stay in her building.

Clarence and the guys would cheer and pat her on the
back, when she did something that pleased Steven and then she
suffered his green/gray sludge.

Today Steven is nervous. Michael came home from
college, and they picked up Suzanne from her private school fifty
miles from home.

“The three of you are killing me! Will you lighten
up?” Judy yells at the zombies sitting in the car with her, who
wouldn’t even put in Michael’s favorite country music DVD for the
trip to the hospital. She suffered the music forever and now when
she needed it, it was silent.

“Come on guys, if nothing happens; everything is
just the same, right? It’s not worse it’s just the same and has it
been that bad for all of you?”

“No ma’am. It’s just that you’ve worked so hard, it
would be like the icing on the cake. It’s not for us, it’s for
you,” Michael reaches forward and puts his hand on her shoulder.
“Don’t misunderstand us, Judy. We’ll love you just the same either
way to turns out today. You deserve to have it work out for you.
Plus, we want you to see the surprise we have for you.

“What is it, Michael?” She’s had so many gifts from
all of them during the past months. Like Simon’s gifts they’ve all
been wonderful.

“We’re hoping you can see it for yourself,
ma’am.”

“Michael, at best I’ll be able to see some light and
shadows and movement. It’s been so long, my brain will have to
learn all over again. You know this.” She holds his hand that still
rests on her shoulder. He’s grown so much, it feels like a man’s
hand. “No matter what, everything will be all right, now, everyone
in this family, just chill!”

Steven has his arm loosely around her shoulders and
he let Michael and Suzanne stay in the exam room. To be honest, she
really wasn’t nervous. After all, just like she said to Michael, it
couldn’t get worse than it is. What’s to be afraid of? Simon’s face
floats in view, just like it does for every anxious, do or die
moment she has and damn, if he didn’t look nervous too.

She feels the doctor put his hand on her right eye
lid and a finger on her lower lid. What? She tries to blink but
he’s holding her eyes open. Steven feels her tension. “What it is,
Judy?”

The voice of Dr. Snider is loud in her ears. He’s
calmly excited. “They’re reacting. Judy you have reaction. You
should be able to see my light.”

“Hurts.”

He laughs, Steven laughs, the light is gone and so
is the hurt with it, but now it’s in her left eye.

“Hurts. Scared.” She’s waving her hand for Simon and
Steven puts her hand against his lips. “It won’t hurt for long.
Close your eyes and rest a minute. This is really good Judy. How do
you feel?”

“Scared.”

“I’m here Judy. I’ve got you.” Steven kisses her
lips and it calms her.

“You two stand in front of that wall,” Dr. Snider
tells Michael and Suzanne. Judy closes her eyes to rest and hears
them shuffle and stand quietly.

“Judy told me that if she can see anything, she
wants to see you both first. Judy, I’m not sure what you’ll see,
but what I do know is that it will most likely get clearer and
clearer every day. Just like we talked about, give it time, don’t
stress, rest your eyes like we’ve discussed and let what ever
happens, happen naturally.”

“Steven, you’re going to squeeze her hand off.
Relax.” Dr. Snider laughs and Steven’s grip loosens some.

“Okay. I’ve turned on the ambient lighting so it
won’t hurt you. Michael and Suzanne are standing in that light.
They’re straight ahead. Open your eyes when you are ready.”

Whatever happens, Simon, I want you to know I
love you and I’m not mad at you anymore. Thank you for giving me my
life and Steven back to me.
The words sound so plain and
simple. They are the hardest words she’s ever said.
Whatever
happens now Simon, it’s time for me to move on I’ll always cherish
your love and the memories of you.

Judy opens her eyes. She can see gray not black and
the gray is getting lighter and lighter and now she can see two
figures in the light. One is tall and lean. The other is petite
with light hair. She looks from short or tall and back. “Ma’am, how
are you doing?”

She focuses on Michael’s face and sees his curly
hair and his huge grin.

“I never imagined that you had curly hair, Michael,
and that it was a beautiful shade of red.”

Steven, Michael, Suzanne are in her arms and her
tears are flowing down her face, mixing with theirs. “Can you see
me, Judy?”

“Golden hair, sweet, sweet face of an angel I saw on
a Christmas card once. You are so beautiful.” I touch her face and
Michael’s. They smile at her.”Michael you have dimples. I love
dimples.”

Then I must see Steven. “Steven!”

She feels him in front of her, but she’s closed her
eyes again, to gather Steven’s image in her mind.

“Afraid to see me, Judy?” Steven laughs. “I got my
hair cut and shaved really close for this occasion. I look as good
as I’m going to.”

She laughs and puts her hands on his face and then
opens her eyes.

Steven grins at her with his perfect teeth, dimpled
chin and piercing blue eyes. Tanned, muscular with sun bleached
hair curling over his forehead, he’s gorgeous and sexy. She reaches
for the wayward curl on his forehead. “You’ve got some gray. I love
it.”

Judy pulls him to her lips, closes her eyes and
gives herself to their kiss. “You told me that the kiss is God’s
greatest gift,” she whispers against his lips. “I will thank God
for yours forever. Will you marry me, Steven?”

“Yes.”

She’s in the ugly
goggles again, but at least she’s in the car and away from Dr.
Snider, who she’s sure he’s having a champagne celebration with his
entire department. His enthusiasm and ego was exhausting and
annoying.

“What kind of glasses will you get? If I needed
glasses, I’ll probably get some pink and tan tiger stripped ones.”
Suzanne mused from the back seat.

She’s supposed to keep her eyes closed and rest
while the car is moving, so her brain won’t freak out trying to
assimilate quick movements and changes of light. But she can’t
resist focusing on Steven’s face as he drives. Her eyesight is
poor. She could barely read the top line of the chart. “It’s a
start, Judy. Don’t push it.” Dr. Snider warned. Again.

But she can see Steven clearly enough. He’s driving
and focusing on his task and holding her hand. He squeezes it
often. Seeing him with her eyes, he seems more fragile than when
she only felt his strong body or heard his firm commanding voice.
His stress lines that weren’t there the last time she saw him, were
probably put there by her and Simon.

“You’ve had it hard, haven’t you Steven?”

He laughs and glances at her looking at him. “You
are supposed to have your eyes shut!” He shakes his head the way
she remembered. It was his frustrated shake. “Do I look different
to you? It’s been nearly five years since you’ve seen me.”

“Five years?”

“Five years. You’ll be thirty soon.”

“So you are thirty-seven?”

“You remembered.”

“Of course.”

“So do I look different?”

“Some older, but it looks good on you, except for
the stress lines. They’re my fault and Simon’s aren’t they?”

“Close your eyes and lay your head back. The kids
and I have a surprise for you and we want you rested. Go on. I can
see your eyes open you know.”

“Even through these glasses?”

“Those horrible, ugly glasses that even you can’t
make beautiful. Simon and I had a lot of funny jokes about
those.”

“You and Simon always enjoyed yourselves at my
expense. Didn’t you?”

Steven grins and then, “Close your eyes!”

I must have fallen asleep, because I hear the back
doors open and shut and I’m alert.

“We’re here. Stay where you are. Don’t move. Take
time to get acclimated. You were sleeping soundly. When you are
ready, open your eyes and look at me, Judy.” Steven’s voice floats
to her softly with an anxious undertone.

She’d forgotten that she can see now and she knows
she can because Steven’s smiling face is close to hers.

“You’re not blind any more. Remember?” His lips
brush hers. She reaches for his face and lays her hand on his cheek
and jaw. “I remember that I always thought you were handsome and
sexy.”

“Am I still?”

“More. Please let me kiss you, Steven.”

She’s not sure, but she thinks Steven blushes. She’s
sure she heard him groan. Leaning toward him, looking at his
perfect lips with the heart in the middle, she slowly traces his
lips with her finger. She feels him tremble.

Just like the first time she kissed him, it’s a
spark she feels on the first tiny touch of lip-to-lip but it
doesn’t hurt. It makes her want more, to feel all of his lips on
her. She presses her lips to his but its not enough something’s
missing.

“Please help me, Steven, I don’t know how. I want
more but I don’t know what to do.”

Her lips vibrate against his as she pleads and
Steven tilts his head, puts his large hand on the back of her head,
lifts her chin with the other and presses his lips against hers.
She hears her groan and he presses harder and now she’s desperate
for more to be closer to feel more of this heady feeling of flying
into the sun and joy of discovery.

“It’s like the first time. My first and only kiss
was with you Steven. Can I have more than one this time
around?”

Steven grabs her and lays his head on her shoulder.
“As many and as often as you want Judy.” His voice is throaty and
rough.

A knock on the window, surprises them. “We’re
waiting!” Suzanne’s excited voice yells the window. “You two can
make out later!”

“Ma’am, no peeking. Just a few more steps,” Michael
is holding her hand, while Steven has her around the waist. She
hears people and quite a few people. What?

“Okay, ma’am, you can open your eyes right now.”
Michael squeezes her hand.

Bright light even with the dark goggles hurts. A
flash of silver, it hurts and then it doesn’t. BB is within reach
and she reaches for him, nearly stumbling away from Steven to touch
him.

“BB you’re alive! You’re alive. You’re alive,” and
she lays her head on his hood and feels him smooth and shiny and
perfect. She holds him and cries. “BB I love you. I’ve missed you
so much.”

“Gals are so in tune with their cars.” She hears
laughter, lots of it, and looks up to the voice. Stan Renick is
grinning at her. “It took us awhile but BB is perfect. He’s not all
original, but he’s perfect.” He’s holding keys out for her to take.
“Come on take them, that Jaguar belongs only to you.”