Trigger (26 page)

Steven rolls over effortlessly pulling her on top of
him with her head resting on his shoulder. “Now that’s an
extraordinary kiss.” He laughs and she can’t resist his playfulness
and enthusiastic analysis.

She rises to look this man in the face. “You’re very
beautiful Steven, inside and out. I’ve never felt that before.”

“What haven’t you felt before?” Steven gently runs
his finger from her cheek to her jaw with the cutest, sweetest
smile she’s ever seen him wear.

“That.”

He laughs. “It’s called an orgasm Judy.” He runs his
hands up and down her body from her shoulders to her butt. “You’ve
never played with yourself?”

“No.” The crease between his eyes appears.

“Never? Most children start playing with themselves
by the age of two. Did you like it?” He seems wary.

“I think my reaction was clear. Yes, I loved what
you did to me and I love you. I’ve never felt anything like it. I
want to do it again. We’re not done are we? Please don’t stop. I
want more of you Steven. I want to see you without your pants on. I
want to take all your clothes off and mine too and be naked
together and know you all over.”

She feels panic that he’ll stop here. “Please
Steven, please don’t stop when I need you so much and please don’t
make me beg.”

“My lovely, I’m not prepared.”

“How do you need to prepare. I’ll help you. I want
you some more.”

“Judy I don’t have any condoms.”

“You need condoms to make love? How do they help
you?”

“Your lack of knowledge about sex is startling. How
can you possibly be thirty years old and know next to nothing.
Didn’t you have sex education in school, or talk to your girl
friends or listen to other people talk or see a TV commercial, a
magazine ad or a comedy show or a movie?” He chuckles but the
crease between his eyes is very deep with disapproval.

“I’ve seen the boxes of condoms in Mr. Chung’s
store, but I didn’t know what they were for. It doesn’t say on the
box. I never had a girl friend, or friend, or a TV, or seen a
comedy show or a movie. I survived Steven and none of that was
important. Staying alive was. I never had sex education, I got my
GED online. I went to college and got my degree online. I worked to
build Stalwarts and most business meetings don’t have a monthly
speaker on sex!”

She’s close to crying but determined not too. “I’m
sorry I haven’t had a bunch of guys. I spent most of my effort
keeping my Dad and my brothers from me. It wasn’t going to happen
to me, Steven. I don’t know how to do it, but I do know how to
avoid it.”

Steven clears his throat, pulls her down against his
chest and holds her tight. “A condom is a plastic sleeve that goes
over the man’s penis. It prevents pregnancy and transmittal of
sexual diseases. The condom holds the man’s ejaculation and
prevents it from entering the woman. It also prevents any disease
the woman may have to be transmitted to the man.”

“Okay that makes sense. So because you don’t have
any condoms, we can’t make love, even if we want to?”

“Yes. I’m clean and I know you are clean, but I
don’t want to get you pregnant Judy.”

“You don’t want me to get pregnant now or not
ever.”

“We haven’t talked about it Judy.”

“Steven we have decided to marry each other. Let’s
talk about it. You have a daughter and you are a good Dad. Do you
want to have children with me or is one child all you want? I know
you still love you wife, you said you would always love her, is
that why you don’t want me pregnant?”

“Let me ask you Judy. Do you want to have children?
Do you want to go through pregnancy and have a baby?”

“I’ve never thought about it. I work to be strong
and grow Stalwarts that’s all I do. But to be honest I would really
like to have your child inside me. I’d love to watch your baby
grown and I know I would love it very much.

“Mrs. Matherson used to come in the Mr. Chung’s
store and she was always pregnant. She’d pat and rub her big belly
like she was so happy she had a baby there and say that this one is
going to be really special and she can’t wait to meet him.

“I always thought she was amazing. I’d like to be a
mother like her. Imagine a son like Michael or a daughter like
Suzanne, wouldn’t that be wonderful to grown our own?”

Steven laughs and the crease of disapproval between
his eyes is gone. “I would like to have a child with you Judy. But
not yet, you and I need to get to know each other as lovers and
husband and wife first.”

“Well, I want to get to know you. I have an ache in
my belly that won’t go away. I want to touch you and feel like you
made me feel again. I’d like to make you feel good too. I’m trying
but you don’t any condoms!”

Steven laughs but his crease between his eyes is
back.

“Remember the bad headache I had and how my eyes
hurt when we got back from getting BB? It’s gone Steven. You’re
magic for me. I was upset at first and embarrassed some, but I
liked how you teased me. I had fun with you Steven and you made me
feel so good. I liked all your kisses.”

“Is it really gone?”

“The headache? Yes. All gone.” She smiles at him so
he will believe her.

But now he’s up and pacing back and forth at the
foot of her bed. He’s gorgeous. Naked from the waist up, his tan
dress pants hang straight and flat and fit his butt. She can see
the muscles flex as he paces. She’s never seen his feet before,
they are very beautiful. She wants to touch him again. She
groans.

“What’s wrong?” His face is anxious.

“I want you. You are so beautiful. I love those
black shorts you wear sometimes. When you walk I can see every
muscle in them and your butt is so perfect, I always have a hard
time focusing.”

Steven laughs. “So you’ve been drooling over my body
all these years?”

“Not like Mrs. Wyman or those two girls that use the
stationary tracks so they can watch you instead of working out, but
yes, I know every inch of you I can see. I want to see more.”

Steven stops pacing and stares at her sitting Indian
fashion on the bed, wearing only old boxing shorts, she uses for
pajamas.

“I’ve wanted you forever, Judy.”

“So the lack of a condom is your only issue?”

Steven laughs and snorts through his nose.
“Yes.”

“I have an idea, but you’ll have to help me. I
really can’t see very well, except up close.” She crawls off the
bed and stands close to him. Until today, she’s never seen his bare
chest and her hands tingle to touch him like she did when she
studied his face the first time they kissed. But Steven scares easy
when she gets too brave or forward with him. She must be patient
and let him lead. “I want to touch you so much.”

Quickly she grabs his hand and starts to pull.
“Becky has a boy friend and she made a comment not too long ago,
that she bought condoms because he always forgot them. I guess she
has the same problem we do. Anyway, if we look in her room maybe we
could find some. I’m sure she won’t get mad, especially since I’m
going to ask her to be my maid of honor.”

Steven looks like that is the last thing in the
world he wants to do.

“Please, help me look.”

He’s riveted and she’s sure she’ll have to get a
bull dozer to move him. She never had any control when it came to
Steven or Simon. Nothing has changed. She gives up. “I’m sorry,
Steven, I guess you wouldn’t want to use someone else’s condoms.
That wasn’t a good idea, I’m sorry.”

She finds her tank top and slides it on. “Maybe you
could help me find us something to eat, instead?” She tries to
smile, kisses him gently on the cheek, turns and walks out
mortified. Her stomach is churning and her headache is back as she
stands in front of the open refrigerator. The light hurts her eyes
and she wishes she could crawl in and shut the door, cool down, sit
in the dark and cry the shame and embarrassment away.

Blind is easier. You can’t see your mistakes glaring
back at you on someone’s face.

Warm, strong arms wrap around her. Steven is fully
dressed.

Reaching for hope that she didn’t run him off and he
isn’t leaving, “You’ll have to help me. I can’t tell what anything
is.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“You’re going to leave.” She shuts the door. “That’s
okay, I wasn’t really hungry anyway.” Unbidden and undesired silent
tears pour out of her eyes and down her cheeks. Just like the first
time with Steven, she’s gone too far and scared him away. He’ll
tell her to go to work and forget about making love with him
because he isn’t going to do it.

“Check on the kids will you and make sure they’re
all right.”

She pulls away and heads
for the bedroom. She’s grabbed around the waist. “I’m not going
anywhere Judy, but you and I are going somewhere. You’ll need
shoes. Come on.”

We’re laughing and fooling around at the condom
display. Steven reads each box. “This one is strawberry flavor.” He
snorts and we break out in laughter harder than we did over the one
that was ribbed. Super lubricated gave Steven the best opportunity
for jokes. He finally holds up a box. “This is my choice Trojan
Sensitivity BareSkin. There are ten per box.” He picks up three
boxes. She flushes with realization and excitement. Steven notices
and kisses her long and hard in front of the condom display.

“This is a great car Judy. What does BB mean?”

“Big Boy.” It sets off and other laughing event.
It’s the first time in her life that she’s ever laughed so hard she
had tears in her eyes.

“Where are we going?”

“Food. I know the perfect place. I thought we’d get
takeout and eat at home.”

The sun is nearly gone and she’s glad Steven thought
of her glasses. The waning light makes everything look weird and
fuzzy. But when he pulls into a parking lot, there’s something
familiar. She confirms her memory, when they walk in the door
hand-in-hand and Steven calls out for Richard.

“Steven. God, it’s good to see you.” Chef Richard
comes around the counter and they hug briefly slapping each other
on the back. She tries to hide under her sunglasses hoping he won’t
remember her.

“So who’s the beautiful lady with the ugly
sunglasses, Steven?”

“Richard, I would like you to meet . . .”

“Judy! I can’t believe it’s you. The Judy-Judy-Judy
is a hit. Julie and I are selling more Judy’s than any other
sandwich.” He grabs Judy in a hug and hollers for Julie to come out
and say hello to her and Steven. She can feel Steven look at
her.

“You have a sandwich named after you made by
Richard? That’s a serious honor, Judy.” She can’t tell if he’s
happy about it or upset, but even with the sunglasses she can see
the crease between his eyes.

Julie hugs Steven and kisses him and does the same
to Judy. “We’re going to enter the Judy in this year’s festival.
We’re going to win. It would be perfect if you were there when we
win!”

“Are you going to order or did you stop by for a
visit?”

“Well, for sure, I’m going to have a Judy.” Steven
hesitates. I nod. “Make it two.”

“I promise I won’t charge you as much as I did
Simon. I charged him three hundred dollars for a Judy.” Richard
laughs. It startles her because it sounds like Simon’s.

“You always did take advantage of your older
brother, Richard. But why three hundred?”

Simon’s brother? She starts to pant as a tunnel
closes in on her.

“This nice lady came in, ordered a Diet Coke and
said to make her whatever I wanted. So I invented the Judy. Simon
was having a party and he had a huge take out, sat down at her
table and started his pick-up routine. He liked the looks of her
order and ordered one. I charged him three hundred dollars for
harassing my new customer who inspired my greatest sandwich
creation.”

“I was at that party. I guess Simon didn’t share the
Judy with the rest of us.”

“We saw you on the news a little while ago, Judy.
All those guys fixing up your car after the crash, it was a good
thing they did. You looked great. Julie and I were shocked when we
saw the video of the accident. We’re really glad you’re okay. I see
you’re letting Steven drive your car. Be careful, Steven was
notorious for drag racing on public streets. I was just a kid, but
he and Simon burned a lot of rubber.”

She’s trembling and having trouble breathing. The
tunnel is so small she can hardly see the light at then. Chef
Richard is Simon’s brother. Bread baker Julie is Simon’s
sister-in-law. She never expected to run into anyone in Simon’s
family. Chef Richard’s father is Mr. Perry! She’s starting to shake
really bad now, she wants to stop.

She hears Steven’s chair scrape loudly on the floor
and then his arms are wrapped around her.

“This was thoughtless for me to bring you here. I’m
sorry Judy. Let’s go. I’ll tell Richard we’ve changed our minds.
Okay?”

“I didn’t know Chef Richard was Simon’s brother. I
was hungry that Sunday and BB pulled in here. I’d suggested
McDonald’s but BB always does what he wants. I’d never been here
before. I was eating my sandwich, looked up and there was Simon
sitting across from me. I don’t think I said anything to him. I put
some money on the table and left as soon as I could. Do they know
about me?”

“What about you Judy?”

“That I killed his brother.”

Steven gasps and grabs her into a tight hug. “Oh my
God, Judy, you didn’t kill Simon. You’ve got to know that and to
understand that you had nothing to do with it.”

“No Steven, I had everything to do with it. You’re
the one not seeing it clearly. If . . . “

“Judy, Simon caused his own problem. I tried to talk
sense to him, but he wouldn’t listen. I feel like it’s my fault,
too, for not getting there in time. We aren’t responsible. If he
had talked to you, you would have told him the truth and the
reality of what he was doing. You would have stopped him. If he had
listened to me, I would have stopped him. But he didn’t trust you
or me enough to allow us to save his life. That’s not our fault. It
just isn’t.”