Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (17 page)

“I don’t think my mum is a very
good person so she certainly shouldn’t judge anyone else.” What he just said is
shocking but he’s obviously suffering under a mound of misplaced guilt. “What you
did was crap Sid and shocking but you were an addict. Addicts don’t
traditionally have a lot of ethics. Would you send me out now to get some blow
for you tonight?”

“Fuck no!” he says without
thinking and I nod.

“I know because you are a
good
man and what you did wasn’t you. You didn’t force coke up Leah’s nose. She did
that herself and I bet when she went out to score she did it because she wanted
to?” He nods reluctantly. “Yes, you helped her but you weren’t exactly
operating from a higher moral plain at that time. You were a fellow addict, not
her conscience or her keeper. You did try to get her clean but in the end it
was
you
that made the decision to get clean which she hasn’t done yet.
You can’t feel bad about that, and you can’t force her to do anything that she
doesn’t want to.”

He nods but I know that he does
feel guilty for being clean and that he doesn’t really believe me and then he
takes a deep breath.

“I
will not
do romance or
love or anything deep Nell. I’m not a safe person when I love. You need to know
that. I can take you to bed. Fuck I want to take you to bed so badly I’m
fucking shaking with the need.” He holds out his hands to show me how they
tremble and I shudder inside but he reaches out and grabs my chin forcing me to
look at him. “But you have to know Nell, that that is all it would ever be. I’m
not going to fall in love with you. I’m not going to want to settle down and
ask you to marry me. I’m not going to have kids with you and grow old together.
All that I can ever offer you is to either fuck me or just be my friend. It’s
up to you.”

I conceal a wince because he’s
staring at me waiting for my decision. I look at him closely seeing that
beautiful face with its tired eyes and the full mouth drawn tight in worry, and
the bruised knuckles where he defended me. This is not a man that doesn’t care.
He’s capable of immense love but he doesn’t know it because he doesn’t trust
himself with anyone’s heart. He doesn’t feel that he’s safe for anyone, which
is ironic because he’s my safe place even though he doesn’t realize it.

Since the second time that we met
he’s stuck up for me and looked out for me, but he doesn’t see this as anything
unusual. I know deep inside myself that if we do this thing it has the
potential to destroy me because I know that I’m already halfway in love with
him. To fall all the way and be rejected would be unbearable, and friends with
benefits is usually a one way ticket to heartbreak. However, I know more than
most that love doesn’t come with any guarantees, and I’d always been a bit of a
gambler in life before. Maybe it’s time to resurrect that girl rather than
living safely in the shadows.

Making my mind up I reach up and
run my hands through his soft, silky hair and down over his sharp cheekbones to
the corner of his full lips and then gasp as almost against his control he
opens his mouth and sucks lightly on my finger. When he looks up his eyes are
dark with lust. “Nell,” he says warningly. “Did you hear a word of what I just
said?”

“I did. I’m just ignoring it.”

He draws in a sharp breath. “Do
you mean …?”

“I want both Sid. We can sleep
together and still be friends.”

He smiles sadly. “You’d settle
for that? Nell, what the fuck is wrong with you love? You’ve got so much to
offer. Why throw it away on me in return for nothing?”

“Life’s very short Sid, you and I
both know that. Why don’t we just roll with this and see where it takes us?”

“It’ll take us nowhere. That’s
what I’m trying to tell you Nell.”

I smile. “Then so be it. I want
you very much Sid but I like you as well. It seems simple really.”

His eyes darken and he examines
my face closely and then he nods. “For the record I think this is a terrible
decision, but I want you so much I know that I’m not going to be able to keep
my hands off you for much longer. However, you’ve had a very traumatic night.
How about we stick to friends for a bit? I’ll let you in as far as I can and
you do the same. We’ll get to know each other and then see if you still want us
to sleep together?”

“You might be the one to change your
mind and find someone else.”

“Nell, I’ll never change my mind
about it because I don’t see anyone else, but you need to be the one that
decides and not me. So do we agree that we’ll be friends for a bit and then
maybe more later?” I nod and he looks stern. “I don’t think I’ll last long
before I have to fuck you so think carefully.” He pauses. “But no love Nell,
I’m serious when I say that I will
never
fall in love with you.”

“Understood,” I say with a dry
mouth and a hurting heart.

“Okay go to bed now,” he commands
and I scuttle back to the bedroom feeling like I’ve just made a deal with the
devil.

Sid

Five minutes later I hear the pad
of footsteps behind me, and I hold up a hand to indicate that I need a second
as I pencil in a change to the melody that’s been in my head for weeks. Charlie
rounds the settee and throws himself down onto the cushion that Nell was
sitting on. “Wow, these are warm,” he smirks. “Anyone would think you’d been
keeping company with a young lady Sidney.”

“Fuck off,” I smile. “You knew
she was here.”

“Yeah, I waited until she went
back to bed before I came down.” He pauses. “How is she?”

I sigh. “Okay I think. She’s
going to be covered in bruises tomorrow and she’ll be sore for days but she’s
alarmingly resilient really, almost like she’s coated in Teflon.”

He smiles sadly. “I get the sense
that she’s had to be like that.” He looks at me questioningly and I shrug.

“I don’t know mate. I feel the
same as you. She’s got the look of someone that’s just waiting for the next
blow to fall but she says very little about herself. I know her brother died a
few years ago and I get the sense that it’s the reason why she’s not fully
involved in the industry. Phil Walker raves about her. Apparently she writes
those jingles, she doesn’t just sing them, a fact which she didn’t even fucking
mention at the audition.”

He whistles. “She’s a woman of
mystery. Perhaps that’s why you two are so drawn to each other.”

“What? I’m a woman of mystery
too. How did you guess my secret?” I laugh, fluttering my eyelashes
theatrically at him and he smiles reluctantly.

“You know what I mean. You don’t
let much slip either.”

I stare at him. “I tell you
loads,” I start, and then watch as he grimaces.

“Not really mate. You tell me what
I want to hear – how you’re doing fine now, how you’re not tempted at all, how
I should sing that song in a better fucking key, blah blah fucking blah!”

I’m amazed at this show of temper
from my brother who has treated me with kid gloves since I came out of rehab,
and almost instantly I feel my anger rise to meet his in the first really
honest conversation that we’ve had in a few years. “Fucking bollocks. Would you
like me to tell you something else Charlie? Do you want me to tell you how I
fight it every day? How I want a blunt or a line almost every time that I’m
feeling down? That I have to fight the impulse that tells me that I know the
name of the best dealers in every city that we pass through, and it sometimes
feels that the only thing between me and the fall are my fingernails which are
still clinging on? Fuck it’s almost as if you want to hear the worst.”

He winces and I waver, wanting to
take that back instantly because nobody has stood in my corner like Charlie.
All my life he’s been there at any cost, but then he glares and runs his hand
through his hair, getting up and pacing back and forwards. “I don’t want to
fucking hear it,” he whisper shouts. “But since the day that you started with
all that shit there hasn’t been a fucking minute when I haven’t thought about
you, that I haven’t prepared myself for the worst. I didn’t sleep properly for
years
Sid because every phone call or text might have been the one telling me that
you’d died. Do you know what that did to me – me, the one who’d always protected
you? Fuck, you’re my baby brother and I couldn’t do a thing but sit on my
fucking backside while you set about killing yourself.” He stops, his chest
heaving and silence falls until I break it.

“I sometimes wish that I’d died
that night,” I say quietly, and he gasps in a harsh gulp of air sounding like
he’s choking.

“How can you fucking say that?”
he whispers with a voice full of tears.

“Easily. Look what I’ve done to
you and Mabe and everyone that’s ever loved me. I put you all through that shit
for what? To stuff fucking blow up my nose until it bled, until I tore my skin
because I’d got the coke bugs. That’s me Charlie – I’m dirty. How can you even
want to be near me?”

He comes down beside me and grabs
me into a warm hug and I’m humbled to feel the wetness on my neck. He sniffs.
“You’re my fucking brother Sid and I love you unlike the love that I have for
anyone else. You and Mabe, you’re
everything
to me and I would die for
both of you quite happily so just don’t fucking question it anymore, because
nothing that you have ever done, or
could
ever do would ever change that
love. You need to get that through your head and you need to properly talk to
me. You need to tell me all of this. I’m not some fucking lightweight that’s
going to collapse under the strain. It worries me more when you don’t tell me
stuff, because I can fucking guarantee that nothing you can tell me is worse
than what runs through my mind all the time.”

I nod and cling to him for a
minute, a thousand memories of our childhood rushing through me. How he used to
fight anyone for me, how I would follow him everywhere, how he would take dad’s
fists rather than me, but it’s this thought that stops me because I can’t keep
letting him do that, only with life now rather than dad. “You have to trust
me,” I say quietly and he looks at me helplessly. “I know it’s going to take
some time but I’m not a little boy now. I’m a man and I need to live my life
without you taking everything and everyone on for me.” He opens his mouth to
protest but then subsides and I smile weakly at him. “I love you Charlie.
You’ve always, always been there for me but if we’re going to move on through
life together and still be close you have to step back and let me get on with
it.”

He nods slowly. “I’ll try,” he
says reluctantly and then smiles. “But just a step, no more. I have to be ready
to catch you mate, it’s the way I’m made and I promised mum.”

“You promised to always be there
for me Charlie. You can still do that without looking at me like you want Paul
to strip search me and do a cavity exam every time I go to the fucking loo.”

He laughs out loud and ruffles my
hair. “I would have stopped that a while ago but I thought you liked it.”

“Fuck off!” I smirk and then
we’re laughing together, big belly laughs like we used to do when we were kids
holding our sides at our comedy shows on TV.

“Are you two okay? Only I heard
raised voices and now you’re laughing like lunatics,” comes a low voice and
Mabe comes into view. Her hair is loose and she’s wearing a vest top and pyjama
bottoms that cling to the slight swell of her belly.

“Fine baby,” Charlie says
tenderly. “It’s cold down here though. Go on back to bed love and I’ll be up in
a minute.” She smiles and runs her hand down his hair and then bends and kisses
my cheek.

“You okay now?” she double checks
and I enfold her in a warm hug. Charlie may have made her my sister in law but
she’s always been my sister.

“I’m fine honey. Go on back to
bed. You look tired and I don’t want your baby daddy to get worried.” She makes
a noise of disgust and Charlie laughs again but she does look tired which I
suppose is down to the baby.

When she’s gone we sit in silence
for a second and then I stir, unable to keep quiet. “How are you feeling about
the baby?”

He smiles determinedly. “Brilliant
mate. I couldn’t be happier.”

I stare at him and my
disappointment at that clichéd reaction must show because he sighs and his
shoulders slump. “I
am
happy,” he says in a low voice, winding a piece
of loose thread from a cushion round his finger. “It’s just …”

“Just what?” I know the answer
but I need him to say it so that he can see how ridiculous he’s being.

He’s silent for a long time and
I’ve almost given up when he stirs. “Dad …” he mutters. “I want children with
Mabe. I want that more than anything but I’m just …” he trails off.

“Scared,” I supply, tensing for a
punch because Charlie never reacts well to admitting fear. I’m amazed when he
looks almost grateful.

“Yes I’m scared. I’m so
fucking
scared. This is mine and Mabe’s child. What if I fuck it up? What if I lose my
temper and hurt him or her? It could happen Sid, so take that look off your
face. Dad wasn’t violent all the time or mum would never have married him.”

“I know that Charlie but I think
dad always had a temper and the alcohol made it ten times worse.”

“But I’ve got a temper too. Look
at all the times I’ve used my fists on Mabe’s behalf. I couldn’t bear it if I
turned them on her or our kids.”

“That’s the point Charlie. Yes,
you have a temper and have been known to punch blokes that might have hurt
Mabe, but you’ve never punched
her
.”

“What about when I hit her on the
head?” he whispers and I know we’re at the heart of the issue and I lean
forward urgently because I have to get through to him on this.

“That was an argument between you
and John, and Mabe got in the way. She never blamed you for it. You blamed
yourself and that should give you a clue about yourself because you were
utterly devastated that you’d accidently hurt her. You could
never
do it
deliberately. Everything you’ve ever done has been to protect her. Charlie you
don’t have an anger problem, you have an
over
protective
problem.”