Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (37 page)

I hesitate about venturing
downstairs but when I go down there’s no one about and I wonder where he is. I
hope that he doesn’t come back before I leave because I don’t think that I’ve
got much more strength left in me for this. I feel so angry with him yet at the
same time I want to hug him because everything that he did was for me, and who
can truly hate someone who discards their own chance of happiness to make
someone else’s life better?

I walk wearily into the mudroom
and drag both my suitcases into the hallway. I’m just zipping them back up and
getting my passport from my bag when I hear a low voice behind me.

“Don’t go.” Gasping I spin around
and there he is. He’s soaked to the skin and sheet white and he looks like he’s
aged ten years, but the wildness has gone, leaving behind what looks like bone
deep despair. I shake my head and he steps forward. “Please don’t go Nelly.
Stay. Stay with me.” He swallows and to my horror I see what looks like tears
in his eyes. “Please don’t leave me on my own.”

“You’ll be fine,” I say hoarsely.
“You’ll go back to your old life. Leah’s clean now. That’s what you’ve always
been waiting for. You’ve always just been jogging on the spot waiting for the
starting gun.”

He shakes his head furiously. “I
won’t go to her Nell. I can’t because I don’t want her, and I haven’t for a
long time. I belong to you and the only woman that I see is
you,
and
that’s never going to change. I want you for everything that makes you mine. I
want what we were building on tour but I want it for always – us together
laughing, talking and making love. We were a team and we looked out for each
other. At the end of the day you’ve changed me in so many ways there is no way
that I can go back to the old me.” He pauses and then straightens and his voice
firms. “I don’t
want
to go back. I want to go forward, but only with
you.”

“How can we?” I’m really hoping
that he has an answer, because I would rather cut my arm off than leave him and
never see him again. “How can I trust you when you could do that again?”

“I promise you Nell, on
everything I am that I will never do drugs again, because if I did that I’d
lose you, and that’s just not an option.”

“Not the
drugs
,” I say
impatiently. “I know you won’t go back on them, and if you ever did then we’d
just have to deal with it -
together
.” His eyes flash electric blue at
that and he makes a move towards me, but I hold up my hand and stop him. “I
mean how can I trust that the next time we’re threatened by anything that you
won’t default to leaving me? You were so cruel Sid. I can’t go through that
again, even knowing that there was a reason for it.”

“It won’t happen again.” I shake
my head and he holds his hand up which I notice is shaking. “You were right. I
gave up and I didn’t fight, but Nell, life is full of lessons and I’ve learnt a
valuable one these last few weeks. I’ve never really had anything worth
fighting for, and I have never, ever had a woman that considered me worthy
enough to fight for me.” He pauses and then adds quietly, “Until you Nell.” I
swallow hard. “I never thought that I was worth anything but you’ve shown me
that you see something different. I want time with you.” He gasps out a laugh.
“Fuck, I want a lifetime with you, enough time to prove to you that I can be
that man. That I’m worthy of you.” Tears run down my cheeks and he makes
another aborted gesture as if he’s coming to me. “Don’t cry,” he says with the
tenderest voice that I’ve ever heard. “Please don’t cry Nell, not over me. I
don’t want to ever make you unhappy.”

I look at him for a second and I
feel the happiness rush through me, like feeling coming back into a dead limb.
“Then make me happy Sid.”

“What?” he whispers.

“Make me happy. I fucking dare
you.”

He smiles at me almost shyly.
“Really Nell? You’ll take a chance?”

“Always.” I smile and then he’s
on me in two strides, his face a mask of utter joy. He reaches me and throws
his arms around me and for a second we sway together, and then his mouth falls
on mine and we kiss for what feels like hours. When he lifts his head his lips
are swollen.

“I love you.” He says it clearly
and simply, like it’s an immutable fact, like the sun will rise and the moon
comes out at night. “You’re the best person that I’ve ever met. You’re funny
and clever and kind, and when I’m with you everything seems just right. I will
never let you down again because all I want to do is look after you.”

“I love you too, so much, so
much.” He gasps and for a second he looks almost shy, overcome with happiness,
and I smile tenderly because I don’t think that he will ever really believe
that he’s good enough for anyone, so my job in life will be to convince him,
starting now. “I’m so sorry that I doubted you earlier. I just felt so inferior
to her. You and she have so much history together and she’s so beautiful. How
could you not want her once she was clean?”

He looks at me disbelievingly.
“How can you think that Nell? How can you even consider that I could see anyone
but you, ever? You’re the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen. I’m no
prize but I can promise you that I won’t ever hurt you like that, because I
won’t ever feel like this about anyone else. I wish that I could convince you.
I wish that you could see inside me.”

I put my fingers over his mouth.
“I do see you now and I know that you won’t hurt me. Do you want to know how?”
He nods sheepishly. “Because I see you Sid. You’re loyal and kind and strong
and you have
always
seen more in me than anyone else ever has, including
me.”

“That’s because you don’t see
yourself the way I do.”

“And how’s that?”

He looks at me wonderingly.
“Mine!” he says slowly before bending his head and taking my lips in a slow,
sensual glide. We kiss slowly at first but the kiss gathers heat quickly, until
suddenly he groans and lifts me up with a flourish like Rhett Butler, pacing up
the stairs while I squeal in surprise.

We burst through the doors of the
bedroom kissing deeply and uttering little moans and gasps. He stands still for
a second taking my mouth in lush, open kisses before lowering me to stand. Then
he kneels gracefully at my feet and my mouth falls open.

Looking up at me he smirks as if
he knows what I’m thinking and slides his hands up my thighs slowly until he’s
clasping my hips in his big hands. Then he leans forward and nuzzles his face
into my crotch, inhaling deeply. He lifts his head at my soft moan. “Soon,” he
says huskily. “Soon I’ll do that. I want nothing more than for you to be my
wife, but I need to know that I can make you happy first.”

“You always make me happy Sid,” I
say tearfully.

“Not always.”

“Even when I was unhappy I never
regretted anything. The thought that you were somewhere in the world was always
my happy thought.”

He swallows hard and then
straightens up, kissing me again until I’m panting and wild eyed. Then he
proceeds to strip off my clothes item by item, planting kisses on each bit of
my exposed skin, muttering little endearments and humming like it’s the first
time that we’ve ever done this. When he’s finished he lowers me to the bed and then
stares at me where I lie naked and gasping for breath. “I can smell you,” he
says softly. “You’re so wet love.” I shake my head at him and hold out my arms
and he smiles widely, his lips swollen and reddened, before he raises his hands
over his neck and pulls off his polo shirt, the muscles in his abdomen turning
and flexing. The clink of his belt and the sound of his buttons opening are
unbearably loud in the silence and I twist, pressing my legs together feeling
the wetness on my thighs.

Then he’s naked and coming down
to me, holding my head still with his big hands and kissing the life out of me.
We lie like that for forever kissing wildly and wetly, our tongues tangling
until in the end he is resting his full weight on me, the spattering of hair on
his chest rubbing against my hard nipples. My legs are wrapped around his
narrow waist and he’s grinding his cock into my pussy, rubbing my clit and
making me wetter than I’ve ever been.

“God you’re drenched,” he moans.
“I can feel it all over me.” He kisses me before raising his head to take a
panting breath. It’s obvious that his control is diminishing rapidly as he
raises his hips and notches the mushroom head of his cock against my opening.

“Yes,” I moan, tightening my
thighs round him and drumming my feet on his backside. “Fuck me.”

He pulls back. “I’m not fucking
you now Nell.”

“You jolly well are. Do it.”

He chokes out a breathless laugh.
“I was trying to be romantic but I see that your Sergeant Major sex persona is
emerging, so maybe I’d better do as I’m told.”

“Damn right. Atten-shun.” I choke
off my laugh and groan instead as he slides slowly in, pushing through my
wetness and splitting me until he’s up to the root. We both groan and pant and
he nuzzles my ear.

“I’m so sorry that I was rough
earlier.”

“Jesus, Sid you’re chatty
tonight,” I pant, hardly able to concentrate now that he’s started up a
sublime, pumping motion. He laughs but it comes out as more of a grunt.

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” I grab
his face focused now because I can see the seriousness and worry in it.

“You did not,” I say sharply.
“You did notice me coming my brains out didn’t you?” He smirks and rolls his
hips making me moan and lose focus again for a second, but I grab for control
because he needs to hear this. He needs to know that he can cut loose with me.
“You didn’t hurt me Sid. Nothing that you do can shock me because I want you in
every way that you come. I’ll
always
want you.”

He smiles at me almost shyly, and
then almost as if it’s beyond his control he thrusts slowly. “Yes,” he moans.
“Yes, always,” and then there are no more words, just slow movements, the
sounds of our bodies meeting and the music of our groans and gasps. However,
this time it feels different because this time he lets me see him and I see all
the love that he has for me and it’s humbling.

Finally, it’s too much for both
of us and he goes wild, speeding up and ramming into me, all caution gone. He
rears back on his heels pulling one of my legs over until I’m on my side, my
legs tightly closed, and I groan in surprised gratification because every
stroke hits my clit dead on. I tighten inside and then it’s like an industrial
firework going off in me as the tension coils and then I’m coming and coming,
the sound of my choked scream underscored by Sid’s grunt and long drawn out
moan, as he grabs my thigh hard enough to leave bruises, and I feel him shoot
liquid warmth inside me.

We lie for a second and then he
gets up, going into the bathroom to return with a wet cloth which he presses to
me, cleaning me. When he’s done he tosses the cloth back into the bathroom and
then lopes back to the bed, lifting up the sheets and immediately drawing me
close. We snuggle together.

“I think I started falling for
you almost as soon as I met you,” he says conversationally and I look up at him
in surprise.

“Really?”

He nestles into me with a
contented grunt. “You were so vital and warm. You just drew me to you, and then
I got to know you and I fell deeper every time. I wanted you so much, wanted to
look after you, wanted to fuck you.” He laughs and flinches as I pinch his
side. “Everyone else saw it, how right we were for each other but I fought it
so hard. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. It turned out the way
that it was meant to. I was the same. No matter how much you distanced yourself
I just couldn’t get you out of my head.”

“I promise that I’ll always fight
for us from now on.” I look up at him, his face fierce with that familiar look
of utter determination.

“Well when you give me the Face
of Determination like that how can I doubt you?” I say lightly, touching the
wrinkle between his eyes.

“I’m going to make you so happy
Nell,” he mutters, and I pull back to look at his face. His eyes are glowing.

“How can you be so sure?” I ask
teasingly, and he grins a foot wide grin.

“Just trust me and we’ll be
fine.”

“I do,” I whisper. “I’ll trust
you for always.”

Eight
years later

Sid

The shout of a child outside
wakes me with a start, and a second later I hear Charlie’s unmistakable tones.
“What the fuck, granddad? Have you had enough of an afternoon nap? Did you make
sure to take your teeth out?”

“Fuck off!” I say peaceably,
keeping my eyes closed and I hear him laugh. Then his weight settles next to me
on the huge, purple velvet sofa that’s obscenely comfortable, and was the first
thing that Nell insisted on putting in the studio that we built at the bottom
of our garden. Of course the first thing that I insisted on doing was fucking
her on it. We’d spent an entire rainy afternoon down here, naked and entangled
and not coming up for air, and she’s always been convinced that we conceived
our eldest boy Asa that day.

On that thought I open my eyes.
“Are Jude and Rye awake yet?” I ask cautiously, referencing our twin boys, and
he laughs.

“Yes, the demon spawn twins are
awake and raring to go, as is your eldest. The only Hudsons in your family that
are still asleep are you and Marnie, who is actually still a baby so there’s
some excuse for it.”

I laugh. “Don’t call the boys
that.”

“I won’t out loud. Nell will kill
me.”

“Not after last night. She might
agree with you.”

“Why?”

“Jude stuffed three rolls of loo
paper down the toilet, flushed the chain and flooded the downstairs bathroom,
and Rye painted the dog’s toenails.”

“Fuck. What did Nell say?”

“She wasn’t happy and neither was
Mr Whizzle. Red is definitely not his colour.” We break into laughter and
Charlie sighs.

“Ah, the joys of family life. If
only People Magazine could see us now. I never have a minute’s peace from tea
party duties, and you’re reduced to hiding in your studio for afternoon naps.
Sexy rock stars we ain’t.”

“Speak for yourself. Anyway it
was a power nap,” I protest. “Marnie’s teething and she kept us up all night.
Just don’t fucking tell Nell. She’ll kill me if she knows that I’m sleeping out
here rather than working.”

“Got your nose to the grindstone
has she? Another Emmy award winning song to write?”

“No fucking way. She’s not
bothered about
that
, she’d just have joined me in the nap if she knew.”

He snorts and I smile. “When’s
Cameron flying in?” he asks idly, flipping a guitar pick over his fingers.

“Tomorrow. They’re working on his
album, and then the following week she’s booked to work on Eminem’s new stuff.”
Nell has become very sought after for her writing skills, and she’s written a
ton of number one songs for different artists, as well as collaborating on
numerous hits. I’d been more than prepared for her to take up her music career
once the stuff with Cameron flew to number one. I’d even thought that she might
reform her band and tour again, but to my surprise she’d refused. According to
her the bit that she loved best was writing, and she wanted to help me renovate
the house and write for other people without having the stress of being the
focal point again.

So that’s what we’d done, and for
a few years our lives had been filled with music, plastering and sanding,
wallpaper and paint samples and wild, abandoned fucking in every room of the
house. I don’t think there’s a spare inch that we haven’t christened, and once
the babies came along with first Asa, then Jude and Rye and finally my baby
girl Marnie, then it became the home that I’d always wanted.

We both love it here and I can’t
see us ever moving to be honest. It’s bright and airy and full of the sounds of
my family. There isn’t a day goes by that it isn’t full of children playing,
and visitors sitting drinking coffee, snacking in our big kitchen or lounging
on the deep sofas in the lounge and drinking wine as the members of Nell’s book
club are prone to do. I should say book club in inverted commas because as its
members include Mabe, Viv, Nell’s friend Mark and Alys, and cackling is all
that can be heard, I don’t think reading is its focus.

Despite the busyness of the
house, every night Nell and I still escape to the roof upstairs when the kids
are asleep, and share a glass of wine amongst the lights and just sit and chat
about everything and anything.

“Is Cameron staying here?”
Charlie’s voice brings me back from my thoughts.

I sigh. “Yes he fucking is
again
.
Surely London has enough fucking hotels without him having to invade my house.”

Charlie laughs. “You’ll never get
over him fancying Nell will you?”

“Fuck no!” I consider for a
second. “Although he is actually growing on me a bit now.”

“Really? It’s only been eight
years. Fuck, Sid you’ve got a memory like an elephant.”

“And a dick to match.” I sit up
and stretch until my shoulders pop. “I don’t mind him really and he and Nell
get on so well, I can’t help but like that.”

“Sid, if the Yorkshire Ripper
liked Nell you’d get on with him.”

I smile. “Well she is pretty
fucking likeable.”

“She is that,” he muses quietly,
smiling.

“What?”

“Just that I’m happy mate. A few
years ago if you’d asked me where we’d be in ten years’ time I’d have had a
pretty bleak view. I’d have still been fucking around not able to have what I
really wanted, and you.” He pauses. “Ten years ago I was worried that there
wasn’t going to be a
you
at all.”

I punch him lightly on the
shoulder. We don’t often talk about this now, and our relationship has eased
into the one it should always have been - brothers and best mates, laughing,
arguing and always and forever, piss taking. “I’m not going anywhere,” I say
softly, and he reaches out and ruffles my hair like he used to do when we were
kids, ignoring my indignant protest.

“I know mate and not a day goes
past when I’m not thankful to see you in this big, old house with a beautiful
wife and a score of kids.”

“Charlie, we’ve got four
children, not a fucking herd. Nell says that you make her sound like some sort
of rabbit.”

He laughs loudly. “Hey it’s not
my fault that you can’t keep your hands off your missus. You know the saying if
you fuck like rabbits?”

“You end up with bunnies.” As if
on cue I hear a shout of ‘Maizy that’s naughty,’ followed by a child’s screech
and a babble of protest.

“That’s my cue,” he mutters at
the sound of his daughter’s voice. He stands up. “You coming?”

“In a minute,” I smile.

Charlie heads out the door and a
second later I hear a wild roar and the frantic giggles and screaming of
children scattering in all directions followed by Mabe’s exasperated cry of ‘
Charlie’
.
I smile and look out of the window catching sight of my wife talking to Mabe
and cradling Marnie our youngest, while Jude hangs off her leg. Her hair is
long now but still has crazy waves in it. At the moment it’s bundled back in a
loose bun, and she isn’t wearing a scrap of makeup. She’s wearing old denim cut
offs with a Beggar’s Choice t-shirt covered in paint and tied at her hip. Her
toes are bare showing off their shocking pink pedicure, and I smile because she
looks very far from the woman that the fashion press touts for her unique,
funky dress, but I love it. At this point when she looks like this she’s all
mine. The woman that I love with all my heart. My best friend, the person I
tell everything to, and the one person that’s managed to fill the empty space
inside me that I’d never managed to do even with twenty eight years of living
wild and stupidly. I would do anything for her and the best part is that she
would do that for me too.

I never thought that being with a
woman could be like this, where just the simplest things make me happy -
catching sight of her when I haven’t seen her all day, sliding into bed with
her at night, catching the scent of her perfume when I walk into a room or just
sharing a joke that only we get because it’s been ours for years. Women had
always been so disposable before but Nell taught me a lesson, and it’s one that
I’ve learnt by heart, because I lost her once and I won’t ever do it again.

Charlie emerges from a bush
wearing what appears to be a pair of pants over his head and chasing a
shrieking Asa and Rye and his own son Stan. Smiling I’m just about to join him,
although not in the pant wearing, when my eye catches the large picture of Sam.
It’s hanging on the brick wall of the studio surrounded by loads of candid
pictures of friends and family.

My photography hobby has slowly
become more of an obsession, and once I had Nell and the kids came along, I’d
gone mad trying to document every fucking second of our lives. However, on this
wall, Sam’s really centre stage, the way that Nell says he liked to be in life.
It’s not the only photo that we have of him as she has them dotted about all
over the house and talks to the kids about him a lot, but I like this one the
best. It’s captured him smiling wickedly against the backdrop of a sunny
garden, a cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth and he looks so much like
Nell that it makes my heart hurt, and not for the first time I lift a finger
and drag it down his face.

“I think you’d like her life
now,” I whisper. “She’s happy and loved
so
much, and I think that you’d
be more than okay with that.”

It has never escaped my notice for
a minute that his death paved the way for Nell and me. She once confided in me
that the night before the audition she’d had a dream where Sam had told her that
she was late and she had to get up and get a move on. She’d taken this as a
sign that she should go to the audition that day, when previously she’d almost
decided not to. In a roundabout way his dying led her to that audition room and
the start of us, and for that I will never be able to thank him enough, but I
do anyway and I never leave this room without saying it. “Thanks mate. Thank
you for sending her to me, and thanks for saving me in the process.” Then I
step out, closing the door softly behind me and head out into the sunshine and
my real life.