Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (16 page)

“Loose cows.”

“Report of people trying to break into property. When police arrived it was surveyors.”

“Builders have turned up to complete work two months late.”

“Mother calls regarding 14-year-old son being aggressive, throwing clothes on floor.”

“Caller receiving anonymous phone calls.”

“Man appears asleep at bus stop.”

“Caller says her two missing cats have come back home. This is a regular caller.”

“Suspicious smell.”

A Cinnabon study found that the scent of cinnamon causes mall shoppers to be more polite.

CITY OF FRIGHT

If you think the streets of Paris are enchanting, wait till you discover what lurks below
.

T
HEY DUG PARIS
Most visitors to Paris have no idea that beneath the City of Light is a dark labyrinth of branching tunnels and abandoned quarries. Paris sits atop massive limestone and gypsum formations that have been quarried for more than 1,000 years. The Romans chiseled the fine-grained limestone into bathhouses and sculptures. The French used it to build thousands of buildings, everything from Notre Dame cathedral and the Louvre Museum to Paris Police Headquarters. As for the gypsum, ever heard of plaster of Paris? That’s where it comes from.

When the mining started, the quarries were outside of town, but over the centuries the city spread and so did the quarries. Eventually Paris ended up with a 1,900-acre underground maze that starts about 15 feet below the streets and ends 120 feet underground. Parisians call the multi-level maze
gruyère
(Swiss cheese), and that’s exactly what a cross-section of the ground beneath their feet looks like.

THAT SINKING FEELING

When an entire city ends up on holey ground, things get shaky. Residents got their first glimpse of how unstable their city had become in 1774, when one of the tunnels collapsed, gulping down houses and people along
Rue d'Enfer
(“Hell Street”). Parisians panicked, so Louis XVI created the Inspection Generale des Carrieres (quarry inspectors) and appointed architect Charles-Axel Guillaumot as its first chief. He instructed Guillaumot to do three things: 1) find all the empty spaces under Paris, 2) make a map of them, and 3) reinforce any spaces below public streets or below buildings belonging to the king. Personally inspecting the sinkholes to a depth of more than 75 feet, Guillaumot was horrified by what he found and told Louis the truth: “The temples, palaces, houses, and public streets of several parts of Paris and its surrounding areas are about to sink into giant pits.”

Coneheads: A giraffe’s horns are called
ossicones
.

MOLD LANG SYNE

That wasn’t the only problem in Paris. Thanks to war, famine, and plague, the city’s cemeteries were full to overflowing. One frosty February morning in 1780, a homeowner started down into his cellar but was immediately driven back upstairs by a terrible stench. Egged on by his neighbors (and wearing a vinegar-soaked handkerchief over his nose), he crept back down and found 20 decaying bodies, covered in graveyard mold, bursting through the wall. The graveyards had finally gone beyond their limits.

But where others saw a problem, King Louis saw an opportunity. He closed the cemeteries and had the bones dug up and stacked into the quarries. Six million skeletons—mounds and stacks of skulls and tibias, femurs and spines—turned the chambers into catacombs, an underground boneyard that became known as “The Empire of the Dead.”

CATS IN A MAZE

As Paris grew, the
gruyère
got even more full of holes. Churches dug crypts. City engineers built aqueducts, sewers, water mains, and tunnels for Métro lines. They dug conduits for telephone and electrical lines, bunkers for shelter during World War II, and garages for underground parking. And at the very bottom: the ancient quarries, their ceilings braced by nothing but limestone pillars and stacked stones.

Of the 180 miles of tunnels maintained by the Inspection Generale des Carrieres (IGC), only one mile—the catacombs—is open to the public. That doesn’t stop the
cataphiles
. After dark, these hardcore cavers scurry down drains and through ventilation shafts. They chisel open manhole covers and sneak through entrances in hospital basements, the cellars of bars, church crypts, and subway tunnels. Why? “At the surface there are too many rules,” says one cataphile. “Here we do what we want.”

While preparing an article for
National Geographic
, reporter Neil Shea got an inside look at what cataphiles do underground. Some carry scuba tanks for exploring and mapping abandoned wells. Some create art, such as a four-foot-high limestone castle complete with drawbridge, moat, towers, and even a little LEGO soldier guarding the gate. Others host events: An author and an illustrator staged a book signing for their graphic novel
Le Diable Vert
(
The Green Devil
). A group of people held a banquet, their candelabra casting shadows across the stone table as they dipped into cheese fondue and listened to chamber music. With cataphiles scurrying through the
gruyère
like mice, the city decided to hire another kind of cat to hunt them down.

Golden oldie: The original recipe for margarine called for milk, lard, and sheep’s stomach lining.

ON THE PURR-ROWL

“We believe deeply that the catacombs belong to us, and that no one has the right to take them away,” says a longtime cataphile nicknamed Morthicia. The
cataflics
disagree. These special cops patrol the maze, chase offenders from their underground lairs, and hand out fines. That’s business as usual...unless they stumble upon something unexpected.

In 2004, during a training exercise 50 feet below the surface, officers moved a tarp marked “Building site. No access.” That triggered a tape recording of dogs barking. “To frighten people off,” said an officer. Beyond the barking they found 3,000 square feet of subterranean galleries. In one gallery there was theater seating for 20 (carved into the rock), a full-size movie screen, and projection equipment, along with all kinds of films, from 1950s film noir classics to contemporary thrillers. In another room, they found tables and chairs, and a well-stocked bar. Three days later, they returned with an electrician to trace the wires being used to pirate power and phone service. But the galleries had been stripped; not a wire remained to offer a clue to the culprits. All that was left was a note in the middle of the floor: “Do not try to find us.”

CHEESY PARISEE

A group calling itself “The Perforating Mexicans” later claimed responsibility for the theater. “There are a dozen more where that one came from,” said Patrick Saletta, a photographer who documents the urban underground. “You guys have no idea what’s down there.” Perhaps not, but here’s something they
do
know: Inspector Guillaumot’s 18th-century warning is still valid. In 1961 the maze swallowed an entire southside neighborhood. Small collapses happen every year, yet Parisians seem unconcerned. They have the IGC—still vigilant more than 200 years after its founding—to keep the City of Lights from falling into the
gruyère
.

Reel money: About 1.5 billion movie tickets are sold in the U.S. every year.

BLOW IT LIKE BUCKNER

The 1986 Boston Red Sox were one out away from winning the World Series...until a ball rolled through first baseman Bill Buckner’s legs. The NY Mets won the game, forcing a decisive game 7, which they also won. Buckner became a sports pariah, but he’s not the only athlete ever to screw up
.

N
ICE GOING, SPIKE
In one of his first NFL games in 2008, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson caught a long pass from quarterback Donovan McNabb. Running it in for his first pro touchdown, Jackson spiked the ball and started celebrating. Then the other team, the Dallas Cowboys, called foul: A videotape review showed that Jackson had thrown the ball down on the one-yard line,
before
he crossed into the end zone. Result: The touchdown was taken away. Amazingly, Jackson had lost a touchdown the same way in a high-school football game six years earlier.

NO TIME FOR YOU

In the 1993 men’s college basketball national title game, Michigan trailed North Carolina by just two points, 73–71, with less than 30 seconds to go. After North Carolina missed a free throw, Michigan’s Chris Webber got the rebound and hustled the ball down to the other end of the court. With 20 seconds left, Webber called a time-out to reset the play. Except that Michigan didn’t have any time-outs left. For the mistake, Webber was issued a technical foul, which gave North Carolina a couple more free throws, securing them the win.

A VERY BIG OOPS

Colombia was one of the pre-tournament favorites to win soccer’s 1994 World Cup. But in the opening rounds, the team surprisingly lost to the United States 2–1, with the second goal for the U.S. coming when star Colombian defender Andres Escobar accidentally scored a goal on his own net. Colombia was eliminated from the tournament. (Sad ending: When the 27-year-old athlete returned home to Medellin, Colombia, he was murdered, reportedly by someone related to angry members of a gambling syndicate.)

There are more than 3,700 World War II shipwrecks at the bottom of the world’s oceans.

LETTDOWN

Just minutes into the 1993 Super Bowl, the Buffalo Bills fumbled the ball on their own 45-yard line, where it was recovered by Dallas Cowboys lineman Leon Lett. He then did what few line-men ever do: He ran it all the way to the other end for a touchdown. As he was about to cross the goal line, he slowed down to celebrate the moment, raising the ball in triumph...and it was knocked out of his hands by Bills receiver Don Beebe. Lett had no idea Beebe was on his tail. Instead of Dallas getting a touchdown, the Bills got the ball (although the Cowboys won the game anyway).

ERROR PRONE

Tommy John pitched for more than 20 years and won 200 games, but he’s best known for two things: 1) for being one of the first to undergo arm-strengthening elbow surgery (“Tommy John surgery,” as it’s now known) and 2) for making three errors in a single play. John was on the mound for the Yankees in 1988 when Milwaukee’s Jeffrey Leonard hit an easy ground ball to him. John bobbled it (error #1), and Leonard made it to first base. John threw the ball to first base anyway, but the throw was wild and wound up in right field (error #2). The right fielder then threw it back to the catcher in an attempt to tag a runner at home plate. John intercepted it and threw it to the catcher himself—again, his throw was wild (error #3, which tied the Major League record).

FRIEND OR FOE?

The 1982 men’s college basketball championship game was a fight to the finish, with 15 lead changes and neither Georgetown nor North Carolina ever ahead by more than three points. Georgetown was leading 62–61 with under a minute left to play, when North Carolina freshman Michael Jordan hit a jump shot to make the score 63–62. Georgetown’s Fred Brown quickly rebounded the ball and ran to the other end, where he confidently passed it to an open player, James Worthy. Only problem: Worthy played for
North Carolina
. Georgetown quickly fouled Worthy to stop the clock. He missed both foul shots, but it didn’t matter—there wasn’t enough time left for Georgetown to score, so North Carolina won the game.

Hula hoops were once banned in Japan for causing “obscene movements.”

EDITED FOR AIRLINES

Plane crashes, gruesome stabbings, what’s beneath Mel Gibson’s kilt...if you’re hurtling through the sky at 30,000 feet, there are some things you might not want to see in a movie. Airlines rely on movie editors for special cuts, but some of what they sliced out of these Hollywood blockbusters may surprise you
.

M
ovie:
The Queen
(2006)
Edit:
Delta Airlines passengers thought something was wrong with the movie soundtrack. It kept “bleeping.” It turned out that a newly hired editor had been told to bleep out all “profanities” and “blasphemies.” The editor’s overzealous response: He cut every incidence of the word “God” from the film, including a scene that left a character saying to Queen Elizabeth (Helen Mirren), “
Bleeep
bless you, ma’am.”

Movie:
Hellboy
(2004)

Edit:
A scene in which a hideous-looking man rises from a pool of blood was deemed too gory for captive airline audiences, so editors tinted the color of the blood. They made it blue. So instead of rising from a pool of blood, the hideous man appeared to be stepping out of a puddle of what looks like blue cake batter.

Movie:
Little Black Book
(2004)

Edit:
One character in this romantic comedy is a gynecologist named Dr. Rachel Keyes (Rashida Jones) and, like many MDs in search of fame and fortune, she’s written a book. The title of the book,
Keyes to Your Vagina
, was deemed too titillating for airline viewing, so when Dr. Keyes holds up the book, audiences see an altered title:
Keyes to Your Fertility
.

Movie:
Casino Royale
(2006)

Edit:
In the theatrical version of this James Bond film, Virgin Airlines chairman Sir Richard Branson has a cameo role as a passenger going through security at a Miami airport. But in the British Airways version, Sir Richard ended up on the cutting-room floor. According to a spokesman for British Airways, they had a very good reason for editing out their biggest competitor: “We want to ensure movies contain no material that might upset our customers.”