Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (72 page)

In America and in our country there are nuclear weapons—terrible weapons that can kill millions of people in an instant. But we do not want them to be ever used. That’s precisely why the Soviet Union solemnly declared throughout the entire world that never—never—will it use nuclear weapons first against any country. In general we propose to discontinue further production of them and to proceed to the abolition of all the stockpiles on Earth. It seems to me that this is a sufficient answer to your second question: “Why do you want to wage war against the whole world or at least the United States?” We want nothing of the kind. We want peace—there is something that we are occupied with: growing wheat, building and inventing, writing books and flying into space. We want peace for ourselves and for all peoples of the planet. For our children and for you, Samantha.

I invite you, if your parents will let you, to come to our country, the best time being this summer. You will find out about our country, meet with your contemporaries, visit an international children’s camp—“Artek”—on the sea. And see for yourself: In the Soviet Union, everyone is for peace and friendship among peoples. Thank you for your letter. I wish you all the best in your young life.

Y. Andropov

Conakry, Guinea, in West Africa, is the world’s wettest capital city (over 12 feet of rain per year).

America’s Cold War adversary had just invited 10-year-old Samantha Smith to visit the Soviet Union, something few Americans at the time had done. She accepted.

THE TRIP

The U.S. government allowed the Smiths to go, but they didn’t technically sponsor it or approve it. After all, this was a private citizen being hosted as a guest of a rival nation, and it cast the Russians in a good light. However, for the sake of security, the State Department did prep the family in the two and a half months prior to their trip. (Meanwhile, Samantha appeared on numerous TV shows to discuss the upcoming journey, including
Nightline
and
The Tonight Show
.)

On July 7, 1983, Samantha and her parents flew to Moscow, beginning a whirlwind tour and media extravaganza. She was shuttled around in a limousine and saw the sights in Russia’s two biggest cities, Moscow and Leningrad, and learned about the country’s history, its people, and how Communism worked. But Samantha’s favorite part was the familiar world of summer camp. She stayed for a few days at the Artek Young Pioneers Camp (similar to a Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts retreat), where she swam in the Black Sea and hiked with Russian girls her age (all of whom, for the sake of convenience, spoke English).

THE CALL

Every news and TV outlet in the Soviet Union covered the girl’s comings and goings, and Russians gathered along the streets to see her and cheer her name. At one of many press conferences, Samantha was handed a telephone. She listened and then hung up after hearing the voice on the other end repeat the words, “I kiss you, Samantha, I kiss you!” She had no idea that the person on the phone was cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova, the first
woman in space and a national hero. “I thought it was just a kid who was calling,” Samantha later said.

Circular logic: In the 1800s, some ads claimed riding carousels improved blood circulation.

The American girl’s only regret: She never got to meet personally with Yuri Andropov. His handlers had told her that he was too busy. In fact, he was too sick—he suffered from renal failure and was dying. They spoke by phone during the trip; Andropov died in early 1984.

THE IMPACT

Samantha became an unofficial goodwill ambassador, advocating for both the power of international friendship and nuclear disarmament. She published a book called
Journey to the Soviet Union
, appeared on TV, and gave speeches promoting peace around the world. Invited to the Children’s International Symposium in Japan, she even called for a “granddaughter exchange,” in which Soviet and U.S. leaders should send their granddaughters to live with one another for two weeks every year, mirroring her trip. “The president wouldn’t want to send a bomb to a country his granddaughter was visiting.”

She became so famous that she started to get offers from the entertainment world. In 1984 she hosted an election special for kids on the Disney Channel called
Samantha Smith Goes to Washington
where she interviewed George McGovern and presidential candidate Jesse Jackson. In 1985 she was cast on
Lime Street
, an ABC drama starring Robert Wagner as an international insurance fraud investigator; Samantha played his daughter.

THE TRAGEDY

In August 1985, just after filming the fifth episode of the series, Samantha and her father were aboard a six-passenger plane flying into Auburn-Lewiston Municipal Airport, near their home in Maine. Bad weather, piloting errors, and incorrect directions from an air traffic control tower caused the plane to crash in a field. There were no survivors. Samantha was 13 years old.

Condolences came from the highest levels of the U.S. and U.S.S.R. governments. Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev sent a personal letter to Samantha’s mother, Jane Smith. So did President Ronald Reagan. “Perhaps you can take some measure of comfort in the knowledge that millions of Americans, indeed millions
of people, share the burdens of your grief,” he wrote. “They also will cherish and remember Samantha, her smile, her idealism and unaffected sweetness of spirit.”

Earliest known use of giving someone “the finger”: Aristophanes’ play
The Clouds
(423 BC).

THE LEGACY

The Russians memorialized Samantha in a number of different ways: A postage stamp was issued in her honor and a giant diamond discovered in Siberia was named after her, as were a new breed of flower, an asteroid discovered by a Russian astronomer (3147 Samantha), and the Young Pioneer Camp she’d visited in 1983.

In the United States, elementary schools in Sammamish, Washington, and Jamaica, New York, were named for her. By decree of the Maine state legislature, the first Monday of June in Maine is Samantha Smith Day. A lifesize bronze statue of Samantha holding a dove, with a bear cub at her feet holding an American flag, now stands at the Maine state library. The bear is a symbol for Russia; the dove is a symbol for peace.

In 1986 Jane Smith started the Samantha Smith Foundation. Its mission was to send American children on friendly exchange trips to Russia. More than 1,000 kids went before Smith laid the organization to rest in 1995. After Gorbachev’s , followed by the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the director of the foundation, Donna Brustad, told a reporter, “I think the work that the foundation was originally formed to do has been done.”
Glasnost
freedom reforms in the late 1980s

THE CLASSIFIEDS

• Easygoing athletic SJM, 41, seeking SF, looks not important, must be tall, slim and attractive.

• Nemesis Wanted: I’m 5'10", into kayaking, books, and conversation (by day), justice, honor, and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

• PIG! I saw you at Tiki Bobs. You grabbed my butt and I told you if you did that again I’d kill you. You did. I need your address now.

• This large personal ad cost $340 to run. Needless to say, on our first date, we’ll be going dutch.

Only American to be both a Navy admiral and an Army general: Samuel P. Carter (1860s).

“HEALTH” “FOOD”

We put quotes around both words because these actual products barely qualify as either
.

S
IZE MATTERS.
In 2007 a Japanese company introduced a line of snack food to help women become “more feminine,” which is ad-speak for “grow bigger boobs.” The bust-enhancing treats include F-Cup Cookies, F-Cup Cakes, and F-Cup Pudding cups. The snacks all contain
Pueraria mirifica
—a plant containing phytoestrogens, which are sometimes marketed as natural breast enhancers. Hopeful women will have to decide for themselves if a larger cup size is worth the reported side effects: giddiness, vomiting, diarrhea, and, as one user reported, “the uncomfortable feeling of going through puberty again.”

A BEACH-READY BOD.
Rodial, maker of Brazilian Tan products, has introduced a new way to get ready for the beach: Skinny Beach Sticks—a diet drink that’s high in beta carotene, which, Rodial claims, somehow offers protection against UV rays, and “a slim, toned, ready-to tan body.” (Word of warning: Beta carotene is what makes carrots orange, peppers red, and flamingos pink.)

GIVE ME S’MORE.
Considering collagen injections? Marshmallows could become the new skin-plumpers of choice. Every packet of Eiwa Grapefruit Collagen Marshmallows contains 3,500 mg of collagen, which, the manufacturer claims, offers the same benefits as injections but without the pain. Dermatologists at the British Skin Foundation find no scientific evidence that consuming collagen works the way injecting it does, but marshmallows do have one advantage: They can be squished between two graham crackers and topped with chocolate.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME.
Another Japanese innovation: a deodorant in the form of chewing gum. Fuwarinka Scented Gum reportedly freshens the breath
and
causes the body to secrete the scent of roses from the pores. According to the manufacturer, gum chewers smell “as fresh and clean as a spring garden” for up to six hours.

The world’s first dental school opened at the University of Maryland in 1840.

RAISE YOUR GLASS

... to these spirited quotes about libations
.

“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

—
Ernest Hemingway

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

—
Dave Barry

“I’m not a heavy drinker; I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.”

—
Noël Coward

“No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness—or so good as drink.”

—
Lord Chesterton

“Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation.”

—
Kin Hubbard

“Health: what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”

—
Phyllis Diller

“One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.”

—
James Thurber

“Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.”

—
Billy Carter

“I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.”

—
George Best

“Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.”

—
Seneca

“I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.”

—
Robert Benchley

“I drink to make other people interesting.”

—
George Jean Nathan

“If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat—in other words, turn you into an adult.”

—
P. J. O’Rourke

Liquid diet: A leech can consume 10 times its own weight in blood.

CONSTITUTIONAL Q&A

The United States is one of the most stable countries in world history. It’s gone almost 250 years without a government collapse, due in part to the U.S. Constitution, which explicitly lays out how the federal government is to be run, with procedures for making laws, electing the president, electing Congress, etc. It’s interesting to see what provisions the Constitution made (and didn’t make) for some unlikely scenarios
.

S
CENARIO #1: All senior officials die
The Constitution and the Presidential Succession Act of 1947 specify who takes over if the president resigns, dies, or is removed from office. The first in line is the vice president, but if he or she is unavailable, the job goes to the Speaker of the House, and after that, the President pro tem of the Senate. The line of succession then extends to cabinet secretaries: secretary of state, then secretary of treasury, secretary of defense, attorney general, and so on down to the secretary of homeland security, the 18th and last person in line. Historically, no one below the vice president has ever been called on, but a cabinet department head having to take over isn’t that far-fetched. That’s why every year, just before the president gives the State of the Union address in the same building with both houses of Congress, the vice president, and all cabinet secretaries, he names one of those officers as the “designated survivor,” to stay in another location. In 2011 Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar was the designated survivor.