Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (34 page)

Aptly named: The world’s largest herd of Holstein dairy cows is in Elsie, Michigan.

MOVIE QUOTE QUIZ #1

Can you name the movies that launched these familiar quotations? Give yourself an extra point if you know the year of the film, too. (Answers are on
page 538
.)

1.
“It’s not a tumor!”

2.
“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it!”

3.
“Excuse me while I whip this out.”

4.
“I must break you.”

5.
“Dad always used to say the only causes worth fighting for were the lost causes.”

6.
“San Dimas High School football rules!”

7.
“We all go a little mad sometimes.”

8.
“Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there.”

9.
“Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!”

10.
“You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

11.
“The power of Christ compels you.”

12.
“Get off my plane!”

13.
“It’s a trap!”

14.
“Snap out of it!”

15.
“Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!”

16.
“We’re goin’ streaking!”

17.
“Please, sir. I want some more.”

18.
“Fish are friends, not food.”

19.
“No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.”

20.
“I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and my thermos.”

21.
“We’ll do it for Johnny!”

22.
“Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”

23.
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

24.
“You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.”

In some remote villages in New Mexico, people still speak a form of 16th-century Spanish.

OUR STATE IS #1!

Everybody likes to know that they’re the best at something... unless that “something” is a little embarrassing. Here’s a list of two things that each state in the U.S. excels at
.

ALABAMA

• Lowest taxes on goods

• Adult-onset diabetes

ALASKA

• Heliports

• Teen death

ARIZONA

• Copper production

• Alcoholism

ARKANSAS

• Best-trained math teachers

• E. coli infections spread by petting zoos

CALIFORNIA

• Roller coasters

• Air pollution

COLORADO

• Flu shots

• Cocaine usage

CONNECTICUT

• Dentist visits

• Electricity consumption

DELAWARE

• Most-profitable farms

• Gasoline theft

FLORIDA

• Freshwater turtles

• Mortgage loan fraud

GEORGIA

• Best condition of roads

• Personal bankruptcy filings

HAWAII

• People who carpool to work

• Highest cost of living

IDAHO

• Rainbow trout fishing

• Highest suicide rate

ILLINOIS

• Pumpkins

• Nuclear power production

INDIANA

• Elevator manufacturing

• Divorce

IOWA

• Percentage of residents over the age of 85

• Water pollution

KANSAS

• Helium manufacturing

• Obsolete bridges still in use

Free rent? The Tennessee capitol building’s architect is entombed within its northeast wall.

KENTUCKY

• Horse breeding

• Deaths from smoking

LOUISIANA

• Affordable hospitals

• Gonorrhea and syphilis

MAINE

• Youngest median age

• Per capita rate of asthma

MARYLAND

• High school students who take college-level courses

• Movie bootlegging

MASSACHUSETTS

• Adults with college degrees

• Government health care spending

MICHIGAN

• Navy bean production

• Unemployment

MINNESOTA

• Per capita rate of preventive colonoscopies

• Tornadoes

MISSISSIPPI

• Wetland restoration and preservation projects

• Obesity

MISSOURI

• Sport hunting

• Meth labs

MONTANA

• Number of restaurants per capita

• Drunk driving

NEBRASKA

• Livestock

• Domestic violence

NEVADA

• Gold mining

• Home foreclosures

NEW HAMPSHIRE

• Lowest percentage of people living in poverty

• Skin cancer rates for women

NEW JERSEY

• Millionaires

• Population density

NEW MEXICO

• Lowest cancer rates

• Children who drink alcohol

NEW YORK

• Charitable donations

• Longest daily commute

NORTH CAROLINA

• Most diverse population of salamanders

• Lowest teacher salary

NORTH DAKOTA

• Lowest rate of AIDS

• Lowest rate of seat belt use

Senior spider: Tarantulas live for up to 20 years.

OHIO

• Library visits

• Traffic tickets issued

OKLAHOMA

• Per capita use of electric and hybrid cars

• Women in prison

OREGON

• Solar panels

• Homeless population

PENNSYLVANIA

• Covered bridges

• UFO sightings

RHODE ISLAND

• Drive-in movie theaters

• Per capita illegal drug use

SOUTH CAROLINA

• Lowest gas prices

• Strokes

SOUTH DAKOTA

• Lowest personal income tax rate

• Per capita Facebook use

TENNESSEE

• Immunizations

• Painkiller prescriptions

TEXAS

• Wind power

• High school dropout rates

UTAH

• Community service volunteers

• Online pornography use

VERMONT

• Percentage of children who are read to daily

• Fewest registered organ donors

VIRGINIA

• Places on the National Historic Register

• Least amount of employee leave

WASHINGTON

• Largest fleet of nonmilitary ferries

• Lowest availability of psychiatric care

WEST VIRGINIA

• Pre-death funeral planning

• Heart attacks

WISCONSIN

• Organic farming

• Binge drinking

WYOMING

• Coal production

• Injuries from lightning strikes

40 million Americans experience
bruxism
in their sleep. What is it? Tooth grinding.

I SHOOT YOU
WITH...MY KEY FOB!

Guns disguised as everyday items aren’t just for James Bond movies
.

G
LOCK AND ROLL
In March 2011, police in the city of Luleå, Sweden, responded to a tip about a man who had a stash of illegal weapons in his home. When they raided the house, they found six unlicensed guns...and an electric guitar. On closer inspection, they discovered that the guitar was actually a shotgun: The neck had been hollowed out and was concealing two gun barrels, and inside the guitar body was an almost-completed triggering device. The man told officers that he kept the guns as a form of therapy “to keep off the drink,” and that he was building the shotgun-guitar “for fun.” He faces several charges.

REACH OUT AND SHOOT SOMEONE

A special police mafia unit in Naples, Italy, raided the headquarters of the Gionta crime family in 2008. One of the things they found was a cell phone, with what appeared to be a normal keypad, a screen, and an antenna—except that it was actually a cleverly disguised gun. Here’s how it works: You slide the keypad to the left to reveal four holes under the fake screen. Load four .22 caliber cartridges into the holes and slide the phone closed. To fire: Press the four buttons in the top row one at a time, and each time a bullet is shot out of the fake antenna. Police said the phone-guns first appeared in eastern Europe around 2000, and the fact that they were now in mafia hands was “worrying.”

What do you call the noise your epiglottis makes when it flaps? A burp.

KEY WITNESS

In November 2004, Junior Collins, 27, was arrested for drunk-driving in Manchester, England. In Collins’s pocket police found an electronic car door opener. The device was black, about four inches long by one inch wide, and had three buttons on it and a key ring attached to one end. The cops didn’t give it much thought—until one of them remembered that they’d been briefed about “key fob guns” coming into the country from eastern Europe. (A “key fob” is a term for any decorative item attached to a key ring.) They looked closer, and sure enough, the thing was a gun. And it was loaded with two .22 caliber cartridges. Collins admitted that the device was his, but said a friend gave it to him—and he didn’t even know it was a gun! Judge Anthony Gee didn’t believe him, and made a good point about the gun. “Weapons such as this can only be designed to be fired,” he said. “Just showing it would be unlikely to produce alarm and terror, because anyone looking at it wouldn’t know it was a firearm.” Collins was sentenced to six years in prison.

(LIP)STICK ‘EM UP

In 2008 Defense Devices of Jackson, Tennessee, introduced a new type of lipstick...that’s actually a stun gun. Its glossy metal case makes it look very much like a real lipstick cylinder, except that you can use one to send 350,000 volts of electricity into an assailant, an intruder, or just one of your friends. Cost: $26.95. Also available from Defense Devices: stun guns disguised as cell phones and fountain pens, and a ring (for your finger) that shoots pepper spray.

GUN BELT

Police in Queensbury, New York, pulled a man over for speeding in March 2010. When the driver rolled down his window, police noticed that the passenger, Jeremy Stead, 32, of Quinlan, Texas, had a very large and very odd belt buckle, with what appeared to be a tiny gun worked into the buckle’s design. It turned out the tiny gun could be removed from the buckle—and it was real. Stead told officers he wore the buckle because it was “part of my persona.” His persona was charged with possession of an unlicensed firearm.