Unforgivably Broken (The Broken Series Book Two) (24 page)

“You about ready?” Tish asked, grabbing my bag off the bed. I nodded and he glanced at Zane before heading to the door. “I’ll meet you at the car.” He stepped out and I could hear Conner and Kas talking in the living room. I knew he was giving Zane and me privacy.

I didn’t meet his eyes, clutching the pillow to my chest and running my fingers idly over the seam in the case as I studied the dark fabric. He sighed and closed the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me as he pressed his lips into my hair.

“You know I’m only a phone call away. Any time. Day or night.”

I nodded against his chest, the pillow in my arms hindering my ability to feel his full body against mine
, which was probably a good thing. “It’s only, like, ten days or so. I can handle it.” My voice sounded more monotone than I wanted, but I was struggling.

“I know you can. I’ll be right here and when this is all over, we can work on really putting things behind us. Okay?” His voice
sounded strained and a part of me was relieved that he was affected by the impending separation.

“Okay,” I
answered, my mind thinking about all the things that would be waiting to haunt us when I returned. Jordan, Lizzie, the baby, Conner, the custody trial. Our lives weren’t going to settle down anytime soon but I knew the only way to keep going, to survive all this, was going to be taking it one day at a time.

He finally pulled back, cupping my cheeks and kissing me deeply. When we parted, he pressed his forehead against mine. “Take care of my heart while you’re gone.”

I smiled softly at his words, placing my hand over his chest. “As long as you take care of mine.”

Staring at the phone in my hand, I wished for what felt like the hundredth time already that I had gone with Lili. She’d only been gone for a day and I was seriously regretting my decision to stay. The last time I’d talked to her, they were somewhere in New Mexico, nearing the Texas border after stopping for the night to sleep. I knew by this evening she would be in Austin and I hated myself.

“If you’re just going to ignore me, you might as well leave.” Lizzie’s voice cut through my thoughts and I sighed, closing my eyes and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

“Sorry,” I muttered, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair but not looking over at her. According to my attorney, I needed to make an attempt to look like I cared about the child Lizzie was carrying, regardless of the still unknown paternity. Unfortunately, as much as I tried not to, I did care.

“
Tishler?” A nurse called from the doorway and Lizzie stood. She glanced down at me.

“Aren’t you coming?”

I took a deep breath and followed her, hating the familiarity of the office. We’d been here, in this same building, same hallway, when we’d first heard Conner’s heartbeat. It was here that we saw him for the first time. When we found out we were having a boy. It all felt different now, the memories of fear melting into complete joy as the idea of being a father became less about my past and more about the future she carried, were all fake. I was a stand in for a man who would never step up and be a father to the child he helped to conceive.

But I didn’t regret it. Not for a second. Conner was still the very best part of my life.

“If you’ll just put on the gown and cover up your legs with the sheet, Dr. Fitzgerald will be in shortly,” the nurse said once we were in the room and she’d taken a few notes on the chart. I started to stand from the chair to follow the nurse out the door and as I did, Lizzie pulled her shirt over her head. My eyes were immediately drawn to the hot pink bra that she was more than filling at the moment.

“Jesus, Lizzie,” I said, turning my back to her and staring at the poster of a fetus at different months during a pregnancy. I should’ve expected her to do that. She’d never been shy about using her body to get attention and
now I definitely remembered the changes to her body when she was pregnant.

“What’s your problem?
Like you’ve never seen me naked. God, Zane, get over yourself.”

“You know
exactly
what my problem is,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even.

“When did you become such a prude?”
she asked, a challenge to her words. I closed my eyes and shook my head, indicating I wouldn’t give in to her taunting. “Fine. I’m covered.”

I opened my eyes just as she dropped her clothes into the empty chair beside the one I was standing in front of, her matching pink thong hanging out of the back pocket of the jeans intentionally. I gave her time, keeping my back to her and listening to the crinkling of the paper until I was certain she’d be covered.

I dropped into the chair once I turned, still not looking at Lizzie in case she tried something else. I wanted to flip her stack of clothes over or tuck her thong inside the pocket completely but anything I did at this point would just draw attention to the fact that I was looking at it. And, fuck me, I couldn’t look away.

“God, I would’ve thought with you and Tish’s little pet moving in together you’d be a little less high strung.”

My head snapped toward Lizzie, my temper reaching its boiling point. At that moment, there was a knock at the door and Dr. Fitzgerald entered. She gave me a warm smile and memories of Conner’s birth resurfaced. I was terrified that day and the nurses were running around, not answering my questions. It was Dr. Fitzgerald that kept me calm.

I remained quiet during the exam, listening to the doctor’s assessment of the progression of the baby.
According to the doctor, Lizzie hadn’t gained as much weight as she should have by this point, but I knew that was the drugs. When the toxicology report came back after the accident and showed some seriously dangerous substances in her system, I had even more confirmation that I’d made the right choice in going after custody of Conner.

“Are you ready to take a look at the baby?” Dr. Fitzgerald asked and Lizzie beamed at me. She was excited and I tried not to let that affect me.

As the nurse flipped the light off, I stood and moved to the side of Lizzie’s bed. Before I had time to prepare myself, the quick, whooshing thump I knew to be the sound of a baby’s heartbeat filled the room. I was immediately transfixed on the screen as the picture came into focus. The blacks and grays blended as the doctor moved the wand over Lizzie’s stomach and after only a few more seconds, I was able to start piecing together what I was seeing.

The doctor pointed out the head as the baby curled away from the pressure of the wand. I couldn’t help but laugh as I leaned closer, watching as the doctor continued taking measurements and pointing out body parts. The baby arched, stretching before curling back in on itself. It was perfect.

When the lights came back on, I realized that Lizzie’s hand was clasped around mine, and probably had been for most of the last several minutes. It felt surreal, like I was watching the whole scene from somewhere outside of my body, but I squeezed her fingers, still smiling. I hated myself instantly, worried about my attachment to the child.

“Before we leave, can you explain the dangers of prenatal paternity testing
again?” I asked, knowing the answers I would receive. Dr. Fitzgerald glanced between us as Lizzie dropped my hand, turning her head away from me. Looking somewhat uncomfortable with the topic, the doctor did her best to help me understand the pros and cons of the original style of testing. This early in the pregnancy, the less invasive and risk-free test that I was considering, would likely garner an indefinite answer. If I wanted to use the new method, I needed to continue to wait.

I wasn’t thinking about Lizzie. I wasn’t even thinking about me. I was thinking about the baby I’d just seen on the screen, very much alive as it grew inside of Lizzie. Waiting a few months meant trying to continue to guard my heart from falling for a child I already knew I cared too much about
, but it meant that child wouldn’t die from my impatience. There was no reason, legally or logically, that I couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to but I also didn’t want to be responsible for the death of this child, whether it was mine or not.

After the door closed behind the doctor, Lizzie sat up, turning her back to me as she swung her legs off the bed. She kept her head down, probably staring at the ultrasound pictures in her hands. “When you find out she’s yours, are you going to take her away from me, too?” Her voice wavered with tears and uncertainty. She was emotional, hormonal, and scared. But her fears were valid.

“I’m not sure I can but that doesn’t mean I won’t try,” I answered honestly. “If
she
,” I used her terminology, knowing Lizzie wanted a girl the first time around as well, “turns out to be mine, I’ll want her safe. Hell, Lizzie, I want her safe now. And she’s not. Not as long as you’re still using.”

“I stopped,” she said, choking out the last word with a sob. “I stopped when you took my son away from me.”

“Christ, stop making it sound like I did it to hurt you. I did what was best for my son. You have to know that by now. He’s the only reason I keep going some days.”

Lizzie stood then, moving over to the chair that held her clothes. She dropped the gown, leaving herself completely exposed, but I expected it this time
. I worked to keep my eyes on her face and my body from reacting in any way. As she shimmied the barely-there, obviously worthless scrap of underwear up her legs, my eyes fell on the small bump of her abdomen — and yes, they scanned further — before I brought them back to her face. She didn’t gloat that I’d looked, she just watched me watching her as she slowly redressed.

The walk to the car was quiet as I tried to navigate through the strange rush of emotion today had brought. As much as I tried to guard myself, I knew the second I heard that heartbeat that I was a goner. I thought it had started feeling real, I thought I was finally coming to terms with the fact that it might be my child
, but today, for the first time, I actually felt joy. It was the same joy I remembered having when Lizzie was pregnant with Conner. The kind of joy that helped me bury my fear and insecurity about being a father.

The kind of joy that was hard to dim, regardless of everything else going on in my life.

As I started the engine, Lizzie reminded me of her presence. “I’m honestly a little surprised.” There was still a trace of hurt in her voice. I looked over and raised an eyebrow in question before pulling out onto the main road. “I figured the little pet would be blowing up your phone since we were gone so long together.”

Her words struck a nerve and I narrowed my eyes as I kept my focus in front of me. I hadn’t told
Lili where I was going today. I wasn’t trying to lie to her and if she’d asked, I would’ve been honest, but with her leaving town and the stress of Adam and the trial lingering, I didn’t want to add to her already too heavy load.

“Why don’t you worry about your own shit and keep your nose out of my relationship,” I said, trying to keep the guilt from my tone.

“Oooo relationship? Damn. That sounds serious. I figured you just moved her in because she was wild in the sack,” Lizzie taunted.

Now at a stoplight, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. It wasn’t like me to let Lizzie’s bullshit words get to me and she knew right away that she’d found a weak point. And
Lizzie being Lizzie, she exploited it.

“What?”
she asked, her voice skeptical. “Are you not? You aren’t even fucking her?”

“Mind your own goddamn business, Elizabeth,” I seethed.