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By late afternoon, Amanda figured that most people of Lucy’s family would have left, so she went back to the maternity wing. She found Will coming out of Lucy’s room and gently closing the door.

“Hey, Amanda, where have you been?” He looked utterly exhausted.

“I just wanted to give everyone some time with Lucy and the baby. How’re they doing?”

“Javier is okay. I don’t think I really understood what it means to be in the NICU. He’s full of tubes, he has tape over his eyes …” Will’s voice caught on the word tape, but he collected himself and seemed to want to avoid falling apart again. “They kept talking about how many grams he is, so I finally asked how much he weighs in pounds … Two pounds, one ounce.” Will shook his head slowly. “He’s just got so far to go.”

“Yeah, he does.” Amanda reached out and rubbed his arm. “But he has you and Lucy for parents. I know that a day in the hospital can feel like a month, but before you know it you will be bringing him home. And someday you’ll tell this great big kid about how tiny he was when he was born, and he won’t even believe it.”

Will smiled shakily at the image of his baby being a kid, and then he heaved a big sigh. “I’m so tired I can’t even think straight,” he said, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.

“Why don’t you go home, Will? I can stay here with Lucy tonight, and you could go home and sleep in your own bed.”

“No, I can’t leave them.”

“Javier is going to be here for a while,” she said as gently as she could. “I can’t stay here every night, but I can stay tonight. Go home and get some real sleep. Lucy and Javier are going to need you to be strong for them, but you can’t do that if you’re exhausted.”

Will looked at Lucy’s door. “Maybe just for a few hours…” He went back into Lucy’s room quietly and came back out in less than a minute. “She wants me to go,” he said, looking surprised and a little confused. “Maybe you can talk to her, Amanda. She’s really really quiet, and I don’t know what’s going on in her head.”

Amanda gave Will a tight hug and told him she would take care of Lucy and the baby tonight. Will looked like he was going to cry at that point so he left quickly.

Amanda knocked softly on Lucy’s door and went inside.

Lucy was turned away from her, and Amanda was shocked at how small she looked. Lucy turned and her eyes were full of tears. “Oh, Lucy.” She sat gingerly on the edge of Lucy’s bed and hugged her gently while she cried and cried. Finally Lucy let out a deep sigh, and Amanda got up to get her some tissues. Lucy blew her nose and tried to pull herself together while Amanda got situated on her chair.

“I hate this,” Lucy finally said. “I can’t see my baby. He’s still supposed to be with me. He’s supposed to be inside of me!”

“Why can’t you see him now? Could you go down there?”

“I went down there once, but now they want me to wait until I get done with this IV because they have so many babies in there right now. But I won’t be done until about 3: 00 a.m. They’ve been bringing me pictures, but it’s not enough.”

Amanda shook her head. One thing she had learned about doctors was that sometimes things were more flexible than they made them seem. “Let’s get your nurse in here, and we’ll tell her that you are going to see Javier tonight, and see if you need to finish your IV early, or if they will make room for you.”

“Really?” she asked weakly.

* * *

Thirty minutes later Lucy was in the NICU, and Amanda went back to the cafeteria and got all of Lucy’s favorite foods. By the time she returned to Lucy’s room, a nurse was wheeling her back into her room. The nurse needed to hold Lucy’s arms and help her stand and transfer back to her bed. Amanda had done the same thing countless times with her mother.

Lucy settled back in her bed while Amanda unloaded her booty from the cafeteria. Lucy was worn out but seemed to feel better.

“He would almost fit in my hand,” Lucy’s chin quivered as she said it, but she also managed a tiny smile. “He has Will’s nose.”

Amanda nodded and unwrapped a Hershey bar, passing Lucy a square. She eyed it like she wasn’t sure if she should, and then just took a nibble off one corner and laid her head back on her pillow with a deep sigh.

* * *

Lucy dozed most of the evening while Amanda watched TV. The chair was more comfortable than most hospital chairs, likely because of the dads often spending the night. Sleep came between episodes of
Friends
and
Cheers
. She dreamed about Chandler and Monica, Lucy and Will, and Blaze and Justice, Judge Bach and Skip Husman. They were in a hospital, and then gathered around a campfire, discussing Amanda’s life and whether she should go back to school. Even in her dream Amanda was embarrassed and ashamed of the mistake she had made, but no one was too upset about it in her dream. She finally turned off the television at midnight and tried to settle in for some real sleep.

Amanda awoke every time the nurses came in to check on Lucy, which was about every two hours. Lucy had to pump her breastmilk because Javier had to stay on the respirator, and Lucy needed to make sure her milk would come in for when he could finally take it. The nurses were coming in frequently to help her pump, and Lucy almost cried with frustration and exhaustion every time.

Will was back by 9:00 a.m. the next morning. Amanda was using her courtesy hotel toothbrush when Will came in. He sat on the bed and whispered to Lucy for a few minutes. Amanda was getting ready to leave for a while when Will asked to see her in the hallway. His eyes told her that he knew something. Amanda stood outside Lucy’s door and waited.

“Dear God, Amanda,” Will said, closing the door behind him. “Your apartment.”

She shook her head. “I know, I know. It’s fine. I’m getting it figured out.”

“Jake said they think it’s arson.”

Jake. Amanda wasn’t ready to think about him yet. And suspecting arson and hearing it from Will were two different things. She felt certain that Chuck Thomas and his family were responsible.

“Yeah, I thought it probably was arson,” she finally said.

“Do you need anything? You know you can stay with us.” Amanda wasn’t used to thinking of Will and Lucy as “us.”

“Thank you. I’m getting things figured out. You need to focus on your baby. I’m okay.”

“I am focused on my family, but you’re family too. He pulled his keys out and took one off his ring. “Here’s our house key, so just come and go as you need to.” She was incredibly touched by the gesture. Lucy and her sisters had come to feel like sisters, but for the first time she felt like she also had a brother.

* * *

The rest of the day passed quickly. Amanda called her insurance agent and was able to get through to him on an emergency line. He already knew about her apartment and was waiting for her call. They discussed options, including getting a cash advance from the Red Cross. Amanda decided to call her credit card company to ask for her credit limit to be extended to give her enough money to buy clothes and necessities until her insurance money came through.

Amanda didn’t have much of a credit limit in the first place, but she was able to get it extended enough to give her some breathing room. Her insurance agent said that they have an agreement with Super 8 Hotels to rent a room by the week, so she made a reservation at the Apple Falls Super 8 starting that night.

Shopping just for the essentials was probably more enjoyable than it should have been. It was fun to have a clean slate and start over with a brand new everything. Her cart was overflowing with clothes, pajamas, underwear, shoes, toiletries, and a few groceries.

Back at the hospital, Amanda was finally able to see Javier when Will pushed his glass crib to a viewing room. She choked back her shock and alarm at the sight of his purplish skin, his toothpick limbs, and his head that was barely larger than a plum. She blew him a kiss and waved goodbye at Will. Stopping in Lucy’s room she gave her one more hug and headed back to Apple Falls. She had promised to check in when she got to the hotel.

The sky was streaked with a dozen shades of pink, purple, and gold, and the day’s warmth had already melted several inches of Friday’s blizzard. Streams of snowmelt ran down the highway, and Amanda guessed that the snow would be gone in a week, leaving little sign of the record-setting spring storm that coincided with one of the worst days of her life.

The next day was Monday, and Amanda would finally have to face reality, apologize for her mistakes, and hope that the only casualty of her lack of judgment, other than the victims who weren’t ready for anyone’s help right now, was herself.

* * *

The hotel was older but clean, and as she checked in, Amanda wondered how long this hotel would be her home. Wishing she had bought a duffel bag, Amanda carried her shopping bags to her room. She brushed her teeth with a real toothbrush and took out a t-shirt and boxer shorts from her purchases and put them on.

Remembering her promise to Lucy, Amanda fished her phone out of her purse and turned it back on as she crawled into bed. Her phone beeped and showed that she had eight voicemail messages and even more text messages. She looked at the text messages screen and saw they were all from Jake.

“
Where are you????
” Friday, 2:32 p.m.

“I just heard about Lucy. Call me.” Friday, 8:10 p.m.

“I’m worried about you, Amanda. Please call me. I’ve been trying and I know your phone is off. I hope you check it soon because we need to talk.” Friday, 11:12 p.m.

“I heard Lucy is okay. Thank God. Now please call because we really have to talk.” Saturday, 7:56 a.m.

““
Please call me, Amanda
.” Saturday 9:02 a.m.

“I don’t know if you are upset with me or just have your phone off, but there are major things happening here right now and I HAVE to talk to you.” Saturday, 7:44 p.m.

“
Call me.
” Saturday 11:49 p.m.

““There are huge things going on here, and they affect you. Lots of people here need to talk to you, but I want to explain things to you first. You have to call me.” Sunday, 4:17 p.m.

“There is a court hearing on Monday at 9:00 a.m.. You should be there, but PLEASE PLEASE talk to me first. Call me as soon as you get this.” Sunday 7:09 p.m.

“I’ve talked to Will. I know you’re at the hotel. I know you’re avoiding me. You don’t know how serious this is, and I don’t want you to hear it from anyone else. Please call me before you go to the hearing.” Sunday 7:58 p.m.

The last message came thirty minutes earlier. Amanda hesitated for a moment trying to decide what to do. It was hard to know what he meant by “serious things” but she assumed it was about the fire. Reality had to return tomorrow, and Amanda wanted to be ready for it. During her entire life she had shut down, avoided, and run away from difficult things, but to be fair to herself, she had done so because most things in her life had been so damn difficult.

Somehow this time was different. This time the avoidance was temporary, a need to get away and regroup. Thinking about her mistake still brought a wave of shame, but also a growing sense of indignation. Those girls had come to her looking for help, and she offered help the best way she could at the time. If they fired her, she could live with it, but it felt so unfair.

Amanda sent Lucy a quick text saying she was at the hotel and was fine. Then she turned her phone back off and set in on the nightstand. Tomorrow would come soon enough, and she would deal with all of this then. For now, Amanda was exhausted and needed sleep.

While she hadn’t been exposed to church a lot in her life, Amanda prayed for strength to get through the next day.

Chapter Thirty-One

Stale powdered donuts, a pitcher of orange juice, and some paper cups comprised the continental breakfast. Amanda started to feel a little pathetic as she rifled through her plastic Target bags to find a box of granola bars among her new underwear and hair products. When she realized her only pair of shoes didn’t really match her new Target dress pants, sudden and unexpected tears sprang up.
I cannot cry today
, she thought fiercely. This day was going to be hard enough.

Gathering her purse and phone, she remembered that she had loaned Lucy a pair of boots because her feet were too swollen to fit into any of her shoes. Grateful for the house key that William gave her, she drove across Apple Falls to Will and Lucy’s house. The garage door had been left open and Will’s car was already gone.

The mess inside was surprising, but the trail of blood made her knees weak. She could imagine the scene of Lucy suddenly hemorrhaging and Will frantically trying to get her to the car. Drops of blood had turned to dark, sticky pools by the garage door. She couldn’t stand the thought of Lucy coming home to that, so she found the cleaning supplies and started scrubbing.

It was after 10: 00 a.m. when Amanda put away her rag and forced herself back to her car. She was halfway to Terrance before she realized that she forgot to pick up her boots.

The March sun was intense, and last week’s snow was melting fast. Terrance was starting to feel like home, and she wondered if this was one of her last days there. Her heart pounded as she parked in front of her building and went inside.

“Amanda!” Maddie, the front desk receptionist startled her. “You are to go directly to court. Everyone is over there already. Jacob from the County Attorney’s office has called about five times this morning already.” The mention of Jake made her look at her phone and realize it still wasn’t on. Since it had to be off in the courtroom anyway, she just left it off.

Amanda splashed her way across the street, cringing at her unmatched shoes. The parking lot was full. Inside there was a crowd gathered by the courtroom doors, and a bailiff standing watch. Despite being at court only a handful of times, the bailiff recognized her and told her to go inside. A prickle of uneasiness crept up her spine. Why would he specifically invite her inside when there were so many people left in the hall?