Unsound: A Horizons Book (17 page)

“One night, my freshman year was the drunkest he’d ever been. He beat me senseless. I didn’t show up for school the next day. I had been in and out of consciousness. I… was basically dead. I mean, I wished to be dead at that point.

“Teachers at school had a feeling about what was going on at home. All it took was not showing up to school that day and they sent someone to our trailer. They found me, brought me to the hospital. I never saw my father after that. Or my brothers. But… while I was in the hospital. There was a lot of internal damage….

“I know I shouldn’t be sharing all of this with you, Mindy, but… I might never be able to have children. My father almost killed me and some of the damage was irreversible. The years following that, well, I was pretty damaged. I was still alone, still hurting. I starved myself, cut myself… I did a lot to try to release the pain.

“A suicide attempt got me into a place like this. I was seventeen. That’s when my life finally started to turn around. My point in telling you all of this is that those feelings of loneliness you have, I can relate. I might not have the ability to have kids, I still don’t know that, but I no longer think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve let people in; I’ve learned to trust.

“I know this won’t happen for you tomorrow, but I want you to know, that you’re not alone. This project wasn’t meant to scare you. Trust me, I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. I really, really am sorry.”

Lena finished speaking. I knew she meant her words. Meant the apology. She wasn’t trying to tell me that her life was harder than mine. She was just trying to relate to me, get through to me. I wasn’t ready to feel better though and I wasn’t quite ready to talk to Lena about things.

“Thank you,” I said to her, “I understand why you told me all of that, and thank you. If you want me to redo my paper, I will. But I did put a lot of thought and time into that. I just don’t want to talk more about it right now. If that’s okay?”

I felt bad. Almost guilty. Lena opened up and told me some serious things about her past. I wasn’t quite sure what all of it even meant about her.

“I get it, Min,” Lena said. There wasn’t sadness in her voice. In fact, she seemed calm. That’s something I wanted to achieve one day. Clarity and understanding of life; a calmness that everything would turn out the way it should.

As I left the room, I heard pages turning and knew Lena was reading my paper.

jeff

There wasn’t much by the way of fine dining around campus, but there was an Italian restaurant 45-minutes south that was a favorite of mine. After picking Lena up and trading pleasantries, we were on our way. I felt at ease around Lena and was mindlessly rubbing my thumb back and forth over her knee as I drove.

I knew that she felt as much at ease as she relaxed in the passenger seat. The comfortable silence between us suddenly made me nervous. I had never had this immediate connection with a woman. In fact with my ex-wife, there was no comfort level whatsoever. We both brought each other down and focused solely on the next hit. There was no compassion, no understanding and no learning about each other.

As we neared the final destination, I removed my hand from Lena’s knee and pretended to concentrate on driving. I pulled off at the exit and suddenly remembered the last time I came to this restaurant. It had been with my ex-wife. We had been plastered and hungry. We came to the restaurant and drank more than we ate. I vaguely remembered trying to have sex in the bathroom with my then-wife after blowing a line of coke off her chest in the stall. I also vaguely remembered being asked to leave and possibly being escorted out. I cursed myself for the suppressed memory and wish I had picked a different restaurant.

“I want to take this slow,” I blurted out to Lena as I parked. From her silence, I could only assume she didn’t know what I meant. She let me continue.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been… seriously involved with anyone,” I continued, “I actually haven’t been in any semblance of a relationship since I’ve been sober and clean. And I guess I still have some baggage, since my last relationship was my ex-wife.”

I trailed off. I knew Lena’s gaze was trained on me and I remained facing forward to avoid it.

Lena reached over and trailed a finger over my knuckles. When I finally looked over at her she said, “thank you for telling me that.” I opened my mouth to continue but Lena put a finger up to stop me.

“I understand you thinking you have baggage and I appreciate you wanting to take things slow. And whether that’s for me or for you, that’s fine but,” Lena paused suddenly nervous, “I know there’s a connection here. I’ll go at whatever speed you feel comfortable with, but… I was never a fan of slow.”

Lena’s cheeks flushed but she held my gaze. My eyes darkened with lust and my mouth went dry. I swallowed a few times and mumbled something vague under my breath as I pulled her in for a kiss.

My mouth moved in sync with hers, our tongues brushing against each other and I slid across the bench seat, pulling Lena closer into my body. I knew she was right. There was a connection between us and she wasn’t going to let it slide. Despite all the reasons our relationship was a bad idea: from the kids being affected to the ethics of a boss and his employee right down to the amount of baggage we each carried around; I no longer cared.

Every part of me wanted every part of Lena and I was sure she felt the same way. I broke the kiss first.

We spent a few moments catching our breath before I spoke, “trust me… I want to continue this,” I started as I caressed her cheek, “but I know this isn’t the right setting and we’re almost an hour from home. Let me take you to dinner and then we can continue….” I trailed off as I pulled Lena in for another kiss. I couldn’t get enough of her.

With a final breath, I kissed Lena chastely on the mouth once more and asked her to wait. I jogged around the car and opened her door, offering a hand to help her climb out.

As we walked towards the restaurant, I looked at our joined hands and smiled. Her hand fit perfectly in mine, and that didn’t scare me like it did moments earlier.

Mindy

I walked inside the cabin, making Marie jump. “What’s going on?” I asked.

Marie turned around and I could see by her puffy red eyes, that she had been crying. Then I noticed that she was sitting in front of Julie’s trunk—the contents spilling out.

“What’s going on?” I asked again, walking further into the cabin.

Marie started stammering, she didn’t know what to say and was embarrassed she got caught.

“Okay, let’s start with why you’re crying,” I suggested. I was more curious than caring, but thought it was the right thing to ask regardless.

“They were just… so close. Hugging, holding hands. He was never like that with me,” she sniffled quietly, more to herself than to me.

“Maybe they’re in love,” I whispered sarcastically, “I assume you’re talking about Jon and Julie,” I added, failing to suppress an eye roll. It was okay because she wasn’t looking at me. She didn’t get the chance to respond because the door opened and in walked Julie and Stacy.

“What’s up,” Julie asked cautiously, looking at me for answers as to why Marie was at the foot of her bed. I simply shrugged, so she walked closer to her bed and I caught a surprising smile spread across her face.

“Prin-cess. Breaking and entering into my trunk… for special treats!” Julie said, reaching down and pulling out a small bottle of clear liquor and a six-pack of beer, “well, well, well… how did you know this was in here?”

“Why do you have that?” Stacy asked.

“How does Princess know is the more important question for today, kids?” Julie asked, looking at Marie, eyebrows raised. Marie, who had stopped crying, stood up and walked towards her bed, ignoring the question.

“Oh come on, Marie,” Julie pleaded but Marie kept her mouth shut, “Whatever, I guess I’ll take it as flattery that you’re stalking me,” she concluded, “and what better night to party!”

Julie twisted the cap off the liquor bottle and took a drink, “so girls? Ready for a fun night?”

I couldn’t be there. I hated being around people drinking. It just reminded me of my parents who I worked so hard to push from my mind. When the girls started laughing and changing into more comfortable clothes, I quietly grabbed my sweatshirt and walked outside. I leaned against the side of the cabin and looked up and the night sky. There was a full moon illuminating the grounds.

I didn’t know where I was going, so I just walked. I saw the boys’ cabin and decided to see if anyone was there.

I entered to find no one. It was dark and empty. I wondered if Jason was back in the main hall, or if he had found out where the party was. I wasn’t bummed to be alone. Actually, this week reminded me how I had lived the past year. Isolation felt normal instead of lonely.

But I wasn’t alone.

“Hey, stranger,” Jason said casually as he walked out of the bathroom. He had obviously just showered, a towel wrapped around his waist, his torso still glistening with water.

I never noticed his body before, his toned arms and tight stomach, the little treasure trail running down towards his….

“Sorry!” I said, suddenly extremely uncomfortable, “I didn’t know you just showered! I would have… I don’t know… knocked. Waited to come in…” I stumbled over my words.

Jason just laughed, and went to his bed where a t-shirt and shorts were laid out for him.

“It’s not a big deal, Davies, what’s up?” He said as he pulled the shorts up under his towel.

I didn’t answer. Now that he was almost clothed, I walked over to his bed and lay on top of the covers. He hung up his towel, threw on his t-shirt and laid down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders in order to fit side-by-side on the small twin bed.

“What’s wrong,” he prodded, pulling me into his chest, “you’ve been avoiding me all week.”

I shrugged and avoided his comment, “They’re drinking in my cabin,” I said flatly. I was glad I didn’t have to see his face. I knew he would want to go.

“You’re not going to turn into your parents,” Jason said softly, catching me off guard.

“It’s not just that,” I started, surprised that he knew the inner fears that I didn’t like to admit to myself, “well, it’s mostly that. But I don’t know, this place is just… a lot to take sometimes.”

Jason pulled me closer into him, “it’s not so bad when you decide to let someone in and confide in them. You’ve been avoiding me all week. Why?”

“You scare me,” I responded quietly. I felt Jason jerk, but he didn’t let go of me.

“I scare you?” I heard hesitation in his usually confident voice. I wish I hadn’t said anything because his tone made me want to explain myself. There was something about him that made me want to open up and talk about things. I hated that.

“Jason, you see me. You just look at me and you… know things. And that’s scary to me,” I felt the tenseness leave his body. I sighed and tried to change the subject, “Why can’t we just be normal teenagers, in a normal place, with normal rules?”

“I mean, your friends have beer in their cabin ready to party, that sounds like pretty normal teenage behavior to me,” Jason said with a laugh, “And how do you know we’re not normal? Maybe this is the way a majority of American teenagers live, we’re just fooled by the images we see on TV?” Jason asked nudging my side with his elbow.

I sighed, “nice try. You can go over,” I said as I started to get up, “I just didn’t want to be there. I’m fine by myself.”

“Woah, pity party,” Jason said and pulled me back down to the bed. He lay back bringing me with him and I let him hold me for a moment before I pushed up and looked into his face.

“I just want to be normal…” I said.

“Why? Do you know how many teenagers would kill to live away from their parents?”

I guess I did almost kill to get away from them.

“That’s called college. This is different, bozo,” I said, turning away from him again.

“Wow… I got a bonehead the other day and now a bozo. You slay me with your words, Melinda,” Jason joked as the flush rose up my face. I was thankful he couldn’t see it.

“Shut up,” I said with a laugh and cringe at my name, “you know it’s different. You don’t go to college to try to fix your addictions and mental problems. You go to college to get fucked up and party and have fun. That’s the opposite of why we’re here. I just… I wish I wasn’t here sometimes.

“I’m just going to keep depressing you. Why don’t you go over to my cabin?” I offered again. 

Jason got up and walked over to his cubby. I tried to hide the disappointment I felt. I knew he was going to leave—temptation being what it was. I was surprised when he climbed back onto the bed, throwing something on the nightstand, and pulled me into him once more. He kissed my head.

“I don’t want to, Min. I wanna stay here and talk to you. You’ve been avoiding me all week. I didn’t like it.”

I took solace in his surprising actions and words. I couldn’t believe that Jason would choose me over the chance to party and hook up with a hot, drunken, fifteen-year-old girl.

“So?” Jason said, staying silent until I turned again to look at him, “Have I regained your trust enough to let me know what happened when I left? Why are you here? What happened?”