Unsound: A Horizons Book (15 page)

"But what if it is a new form of relationship? It’s certainly the new American family dynamic," Lena encouraged, "that's what I mean. I want you to all learn about all these different walks of life in terms of family life nowadays. It's not just the nuclear family ideal anymore, and I think you're all aware of that.

"The gay couple, the teen couple, the single mom who was left with the kids, the single mom by choice. These are the family lives that are out there now."

"But there still are couples who love each other and get married and have the perfect life," Stacy insisted.

"Yeah, but those are never going to be the lives we have, hon," Mindy said, surprising even herself with the amount of pessimism.

"Okay Min, since you have definitely taken the roll as the cynic here, there's one more path we haven't touched upon and this is the woman alone. The woman who has no relationship, keeps everyone at an arm's length away, chooses not to find love, not to have kids. Maybe she can't have kids.

"Whatever her story is, Mindy, you will be the single female. Pick an angle, whichever one you want, and go with it."

Mindy sat there confused and staring, maybe glaring, at Lena.

"Jay, I'm going to pair you with Stacy. Stacy, you wanted to be the advocate for the nuclear couple, you got it. But here's the twist: due to the economy, Jason was laid off and you now have to start working to help out the family."

"See how fast the love lasts then," Julie said with a cynical laugh.

"Jon and Julie, you will be our teen couple. You chose not to abort, not to put up for adoption, you had a kid and now you have to cope with that. You have to figure out if you're going to school, where you're living, all of that fun stuff.

"Chris and… Anthony. You two—"

"Hold up!" Anthony cut Lena off, "you're pairing us together?"

"What, I'm not your type?" Chris said, batting his eyelashes at Tony, making everyone laugh. Even Mindy cracked a smile at that.

"I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but do I really have to be the token gay guy in this experiment?"

"Don't take it personally, Tony, it's just an assignment," Lena said.

"Does that mean Marie's a lesbian with Michelle?" Julie asked, pointing out that there were two missing female Mountain Climbers.

"Well, Michelle is actually not in on this assignment this week, she's already participated in this one a couple years ago. That's why she's not here. And I don't know where Marie is, but she will be playing the part of single mom, left by her boyfriend-slash-baby-daddy."

"Hold on, that's not fair," Mindy said. Everyone turned to look at her again, "Marie's not even here, but she still gets to have a kid and a dirt bag ex? But I'm stuck completely alone?"

"Listen, Mindy, like I said, this is just an assignment. This has no correlation to real life," Lena said.

Mindy didn't say anything, just shrugged. This day had pretty much hit its low point for her.

Mindy

I walked back to the cabin, completely let down by the assignment. I wanted to be alone – call it practice for the project, practice for life. I couldn't help how my thoughts turned darker by the hour. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I needed to sit and think.

"Davies—wait up," I heard Jason calling after me. I slowed to allow him to catch up.

"What's up," I asked him.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Jason smarted, "Stacy was a little upset before class… she thinks you hate her."

"What?" I exclaimed, "Why? Because I got up and left to go get my notebook before? Jon and Julie came with! Why doesn't she care about them?"

Jason turned me around by the shoulders to show me Jon and Julie with the rest of the group hanging out and talking to Stacy. The word "traitor" flashed across my brain. I hoped it didn't flash across my face too.

"You're the only one not trying to talk to her and make her feel welcome," Jason said.

"Jason, I don't have a problem with her," I said.

"Then what do you have a problem with, cause you've had an attitude all day?" Jason demanded, getting annoyed.

"Right now… pretty much just you," I responded, turning and walking off. I thought Jason would follow. But he didn't. He left me alone.

As I walked into the empty cabin, I had a fleeting thought that maybe I was causing this. It was my fault that I was alone. I didn't know why I did this. It was just a habit I had, a defense mechanism. Sometimes it was just easier to shut everyone out and spend time alone. No one cared about the way I felt, so why not just hide out. Jason was already too close, knew too much about me.

Being alone was easier than dealing with feelings about Jason.

But how did I really feel? I wasn't sure. Was it jealousy? That Jason thought I was more like a sister than someone he could actually like?

"God, I'm pathetic," I muttered, flopping onto my bed.

Chapter Four

“Life can only be understood backwards;

but it must be lived forwards.”

JON

It was three days into the baby project and I was at my breaking point. This doll-baby cried constantly and we couldn’t get more than a couple hours of sleep a night. At about four in the morning the first night, Julie came straight into the boys’ cabin, shook me awake, handed me the robot and walked out without a word. Naturally, I was pissed. Since Chris and Tony were sharing a doll, I had only been asleep for about an hour before my own screaming monster-bot interrupted my sleep.

After that, we decided on torturing each other by attempting to sleep in the common room. This way neither of us got sleep and we were miserable and at each other’s throats.

Of course, to top it off, we had to write a paper together.

When the project started, I was excited for the chance to get to know more about Julie. Those feelings quickly dissipated as my sleep deprivation kicked in. If I was short tempered to begin with, lack of sleep just heightened my bad attitude.

The baby had finally fallen asleep and we had a chance to pull out the assignment.

“These questions are a little personal,” Julie commented to herself, scanning the list. This project was meant to put more trust in each other. It was meant to strengthen bonds within our group. It was about opening up to our teammates and all that jazz, but I knew it was a lot to ask her to speak about these topics. Horizons was too new for Julie—she wasn’t ready to discuss everything.

I wanted to comfort her, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I felt like with my irritability, the best thing was to keep quiet around Julie. Keeping her an arms length away was better than snapping at her and being the jerk I innately was.

Julie

My initial excitement to work with Jon quickly vanished. As I read the question list, I found myself wishing that I were working with Chris. He at least had a handle on some of my demons. I wasn’t scared to talk to Chris the way I was talking to Jon. Sometimes talking to Jon was like walking on eggshells.

The more time we spent together, the more I seemed to annoy him. It didn’t make sense when a few days prior, he seemed to enjoy having me around. I tried to tell myself that it was stress from the baby.
Isn’t that what babies did?

“I’m just going to take a quick break, are you okay with the baby?” I asked. I needed a minute to think now that I saw the questions. I needed a game plan.

“I’ll be right back,” I said quickly before gauging Jon’s reaction.

I walked out to the main hall and saw Chris sitting on a couch in the corner. It wasn’t where our group typically hung out.

“Trying to hide from the hubs?” I accused, leaning over the back of the couch. Chris slowly turned his head to me; I was again impressed that he didn’t startle. The kid was tougher than he looked. Must have been that military background from his father.

“You look tired,” he commented, a smirk on his face.

“Oh gee, thanks,” I said with an eye roll, coming around to sit next to him, “you charmer you. I know that’s guy code for: you look like shit.”

“So how you doing with Prince Charming and the baby?” he asked. We still hadn’t outwardly spoken about my breakdown and it lingered between us.

“That sounds like a new age fairy tale,” I shrugged, “This project makes us fight too much. So getting into serious project questions has yet to happen. I guess there’s still time.”

Chris nodded slowly and I could see him choosing his words carefully.

“There’s one thing I’ve learned about you in this short period of time, Jules. You can’t be pressed. You’re going to talk about things in your own time. But just know that I’m here for you. Anything you wanna talk about that you’re not comfortable telling your therapist or Jon, but you wanna get off your chest. Just find me. No judgments.”

He put an arm around my shoulder and my body stiffened.

“I should get back to Jon,” I said slowly.

“I’m not trying anything, Julie. Just lay down… take a few minutes to rest. You seriously look… exhausted,” he finished with a wink and a grin.

I was suddenly too tired to argue, so I did what he said, and was rewarded with him petting my head in his lap until I dozed off.

JONATHAN

An hour later, I was crankier than usual.

I was still sitting in the mostly empty cafeteria… the baby laid on the table. It wasn’t making noise so I let it sit.
This is miserable
. Julie said that she was going to take a walk, or a break or whatever. I assumed that she would be right back. I wanted to get started on our paper to speed up the process of this hell assignment.

I looked out the window and was rewarded with a view of Marie and Anthony. They were sitting on a bench with books spread out in front of them. She was probably tutoring him, but one of his hands disappeared under the table and she smiled at him. I was sure that he just placed his hand on her thigh, maybe giving a little squeeze; a little secret show of affection. My ego flared, bringing my temper closer to the surface.

I decided to take a walk and look for Julie; I got up and picked up the baby by its arm. Naturally this small action woke it up. Just like that, the cooing commenced. I hoped I could find her before it turned into a full-blown cry. I wanted to go on a run to clear my mind and get rid of some anger.

I entered the common room and was instantly filled with rage. It filled me from the pit of my stomach up to my head. My skin flared red along with my eyesight.

There was Julie, lying on the couch with her head in Chris’s lap. His hand rested atop her head and they had both dozed off. I hated how comfortable Julie was with Chris. I hated seeing intimacy between them.
That should only be with me,
I thought as I stalked off, back to the cafeteria.

I paced, trying to squelch my anger. I had never tried this before, to control and tamp down the rage. I usually let it run its course, until I punched something or someone to get it out. I hated being jealous of another guy. I wished Julie would let her guard down for me. I hated that she wasn’t as guarded with Chris and that he found a way to break through her concrete guard walls. Even though Julie didn’t flirt with Chris or find ways to touch him like she did with me, he broke through to her. They had a connection. And she was relaxed enough to fall asleep with him on the couch, meanwhile neither of us had slept all week.

The more I thought about it all, the more confused I felt, causing my anger to rise rather than fall. I wanted Julie to wake up. I wanted her back here with me. I wanted to stop feeling like this once and for all.

Julie

I stirred on the couch as the common room became louder as if someone had turned the volume dial on a radio. Sitting up, I looked at my watch. It was after lunchtime, which is why the common room filled up. I jumped up and said bye to Chris.

I walked to the cafeteria to find Jon, alone at the table. 

“Hey,” I said as I approached. I was ready to apologize until I saw his evident anger as he ignored the crying doll on the table. This project gave me some insight into Jon the past couple of days. He was moody and sensitive and angry. It was never directed towards me, but Jon had a temper that bubbled over easily and I saw hints of it all week.

“What was that?” Jon asked. His voice was quiet but it dripped with acerbity.

I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t understand his ability to get angry so fast. It was a quality I didn’t naturally possess, but his rage radiated into me at that moment and ignited mine.

“You don’t know what I’m talking about?” he asked me. I continued to stare, “you and Chris.”

A faint flush started in Jon’s throat. He looked sheepish. Then it hit me:
Jon’s jealous
. He saw me on the couch with Chris and he was actually jealous. I continued to stare at him, no words coming to the surface, anger and confusion and a strange mix of glee clouded my speech.

Jon stood abruptly, leaving the baby on the table and walked away.

“Jon, what the f –”

“Going on a run, catch you later,” Jon called over his shoulder as he left the main cabin.

His mood swings were giving me whiplash.

*  *  *

I was still in the cafeteria when Jon came back from his run. We avoided eye contact during dinner, but as the mess hall emptied once again after the meal, we had to hunker down. It was night three with child and the paper loomed over us. Eventually the cafeteria was deserted except for us, which probably had to do with the crying baby.

I was still angry with Jon for deserting me in the cafeteria. I didn’t understand. I fell asleep, I didn’t think that was a criminal offense.

“This is the worst project I’ve ever had to do,” I heard Jon mumble into the table despite the volume of the cries. He was facedown, hands covering his ears. I rounded on him and pulled his collar so he would look up at me. 

“How the hell do you think I feel? You think this is an assignment I’m happy with? Relying on someone else for my grade? And if I
get
a bad grade because of you acting like a lazy asshole with anger management problems… I will not be happy.”

I kept eye contact with Jon. I wanted him to see the seriousness of my words. Jon’s eyes darkened as I stared into them and I felt my pulse speed up. He cleared his throat.

“You’re right,” he started, breaking eye contact, “I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick to you.”

“Good,” I spat back, my voice sounding husky and breathless to my ears. Jon stood quickly to tend to the robot child.

JON

I had to stand and separate myself from Julie. If her eyes told me anything, it’s that she was as turned on as I was. Fifteen minutes later, I sat across from her; baby James fast asleep in his bassinet.

“Okay, let’s start this paper.”

“Alright,” she responded cautiously. She pulled the handout out of her notebook and started to read the assignment, “we’re newlyweds, we got married because you knocked me up and had to get married quickly before the baby was born. We’re eighteen; we didn’t go to the same high school so we don’t really know each other.

“This paper is an exploration of each other as we try to handle the situation, blah, blah. So we need to write our papers about the other person, not ourselves. We have a list of questions to get us started. Blah, blah, blah.”

It was hard to concentrate on what she was saying. I was paying attention to how her voice seemed weak and wavered as she read the assignment out loud. This project was going to force her to take her walls down and it didn’t sit well with her.

I, however, perked up at the prospect of learning about Julie. Although there was a part of me that wasn’t sure I wanted to hear everything about her past, the other part of me was also dying to find out what made Julie tick. There was so much hidden behind her beautiful face – I wanted to know what was behind those guarded eyes of hers.

Julie looked up from the paper and I looked away quickly, embarrassed. I had to stop staring at her. I grabbed the list of questions from her and glanced over them.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked, looking back into Julie’s eyes.

She quickly broke eye contact, “sure,” she said, uncomfortable and shifting in her seat, “you are the father of my child, after all.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to get so personal with me?” I asked quietly.

Julie let her breath out in a hiss, “well….”

“I mean… I know you’re new and you still have your defenses up. I just want to know how serious you are about this… how deep you wanna get.”

Julie didn’t respond right away. She was clearly thinking about my question, I could almost see the wheels turning in her head.

“It’s okay, you can do me first,” I offered.

“Um… okay,” she said, sliding the assignment paper back towards her but I stopped it with a slap on the table.

“You’re nervous!” I stated with a laugh. I felt triumphant that I was finally able to read this girl.

Julie glared at me, putting walls back up, but I didn’t care, “what makes you think I’m nervous?”

“I mean, first of all, you let two softballs fly by you,” I smirked, not wanting to clue her into her tells, “’how deep’ and ‘you doing me first’…. Never known you to pass up innuendo.”

Julie rolled her eyes, but I saw the blush on her cheeks, “okay, here’s an easy one. Where are you from?”

“Boston,” I responded easily.

“I thought you lived near Los Angeles,” she said, eyes shooting up to me. I loved her eyes. I had never seen grey eyes like hers before.

“Yeah, I mean… I lived there most recently for a couple of years. But I was born and raised in the suburbs of Boston—this was before my parents were divorced.”

“Hmm…I guess it makes sense…you have an accent sometimes. I always wanted to live out East – go to college out there.”