Unsound: A Horizons Book (30 page)

"I'm gonna have to think about it," I responded but then I looked at Michelle. She looked crestfallen that I wasn't as excited about this as she was. "If you want company, Michelle, I'll definitely go with you. I just don't know if that's something I'm ready for. I don't think I'm ready to leave here yet."

It wasn't completely untrue, I wasn't ready to leave. I was scared. I was a bad kid. I didn't get into hard drugs, but I fought and I stole to make ends meet. If I was desperate enough to land myself in juvie as a kid, how would I avoid jail as a full blown adult? What marketable skills did I have? What did I even want to pursue? I had never put any thought into it before since I always assumed it was a dead end. But being scared of the future was only part of my not being ready to leave Horizons.

I couldn't admit to Lena that I wasn't anywhere near ready to leave Mindy. I had just gotten her back and I didn't want to disappear from her life again. I realized that I couldn't tell Mindy about this opportunity. I had a feeling it would freak her out more than it did me. When this meeting wrapped up, I had to remember to tell Michelle not to say anything, at least not with Mindy around. Once I gave it some thought, then maybe I could talk to her about it. Maybe when she was closer to getting out of here too.

I was eager for this meeting to finish. I didn't have questions but Michelle had a lot, so I sat quietly and tried to be polite and not fidget til I could bolt.

Lena

"You did what?" Jeff exclaimed, anger in his voice.

"I told you I thought it was a good idea to get someone in here and talk to the older kids," I said, shocked by his outburst. I had been reluctant to tell Jeff about who I invited up to the school, but I didn't think he'd be this mad about it. He was pacing, that's how I knew he was really, truly angry with me.

"Michelle was really excited about this, I think it was a really good meeting," I defended.

"Of course she was! Michelle's still mad at me after everything that happened with Evan!" Jeff stopped and retorted with a glare at me. Then the pacing resumed.

"What is your deal?" I demanded, letting my temper rise as well, "Michelle is at an age where she should be applying for colleges and preparing for the next step in her life. Why are trying to keep her here?"

"Michelle was my first student," Jeff said quietly. He stopped pacing but his head was down and he was staring at the ground helplessly. That's when I got it. Michelle had been here for so long, that Jeff didn't want to let her go. It was empty nest syndrome.

"Oh, sweetie," I said quietly as I walked over to Jeff, "I'm sorry. I didn't think about you with any of this."

"She's been here for so long, Lena. I don't want to see her go. What if she fails?" Jeff asked quietly, almost like he was ashamed to ask.

"Jeff, if she fails, we'll help her. Just like you have been for years. Nothing changes just because she lives somewhere else. But she needs to start her life away from here. She has to transition somehow. I think the sober house—"

"But that's where you lose me, Lena," Jeff interrupted me, "I don't like those places, not for Michelle. They're full of bad people who can get her in more trouble."

"That's not entirely true," I tried to argue.

"That's where I met my ex-wife, Lena."

"Oh," I said quietly with a shrug. He had me there.

"She conned me into leaving with her, eloping, using."

"Yeah, but Michelle isn't meeting anyone like that. She has Evan. She's going to be able to spend more time with Evan—"

"You're supposed to be selling me on this, baby. And let me tell you, you're not doing a good job."

"Alright Jeff," I exclaimed, reaching my breaking point, "as much as you don't want to admit it, Michelle is not your daughter and not your little sister. She's your student. It's your job to guide her, teach her, and get her back into the real world. She has to reenter society and do something with her life. I know deep down you want what's best for her, and deep down you know that a halfway house is a great idea. It may not have been your idea so you aren't all for it, but I care too. These are my kids, too."

"Baby," Jeff said quietly as he pulled me closer to him, "that's not why I don't like the idea." His grandfather clock began to ding the hour.

"Is that the signal for a rain check on the rest of this conversation?" I asked snidely.

"You're so smart, baby," he responded with a wink as he pulled me in for a hug which I did not reciprocate, “I don't want to fight about this. I don't want to fight with you ever, even though you're insanely sexy when you get mad. But I'm not happy that you had Marianne here and I'm not happy that I wasn't there for that meeting. But I will be, in future ones, right? I know I have to let Michelle go, the least you can do is make sure I'm there for the process. Deal?"

He had a point. I shouldn’t have tried to keep the meeting from him. I grunted into his chest, but finally wrapped my arms around him in agreement, "I'll see you later for dinner," I mumbled.

Mindy

“Hey hey,” Jason said, sitting next to me. I gave him a small smile; I wasn’t in the mood to talk.

I had been stuck with the group and their families all day while waiting for my parents. I was already tense, but the awkwardness between Jon and Julie made everyone uncomfortable and the heightened tension was unbearable. I finally had a chance to escape to the empty cafeteria for a while to write so I was not happy that Jay found me.

It was bad enough the group had to go out to dinner in an hour but he was stealing my last few minutes of solitude.

“What time are your parents coming?”

Honestly, I thought they were supposed to come early in the afternoon, I shrugged, “I guess tomorrow? Jeff must have gotten the date mixed up,” I said.

Jason frowned.

“What?” I asked, hearing the edge in my voice.

“Nothing,” Jason said, “I just haven’t known Jeff to get a date mixed up. But I’m sure you’re right,” he added quickly.

“Whatever,” I said defensively. I really wanted an excuse out of dinner. I didn’t want to deal with any more questions and I didn’t want any more pity from anyone.

“Hey,” Jason said, putting his hand over mine, “what’s going on?”

“Nothing, I should go get ready,” I said, removing my hand from his. Hopefully the cabin was still empty.

“Mindy,” Jason said reaching for me again, but I shook him off.

“Back off, Jay. Let me just go get ready for dinner,” I said, leaving him sitting by himself.

I was sick of pep talks, I was sick of the unremitting company. I just wanted some real alone time. I felt trapped with everyone constantly around me. Everyone constantly wanted to talk. I was so sick of talking. I just wanted to sit in silence and zone out and forget about my dreaded parental visit.

*  *  *

“Hello?” I heard Marie call out from the bathroom. I suppressed my eye roll. After all, her parents hadn’t shown either.

“Hey, it’s just me,” I responded.

I went to the closet to pull out a change of clothes and Marie came out of the bathroom with her makeup bag in her hand.

“Did your parents have other plans too?” Marie asked.

“Other plans?” I asked, my head cocked to the side.

“Yeah, my parents had some gala that they couldn’t get out of,” Marie said. I thought her voice should have some more sadness to it, but she seemed to actually believe the gala story. According to Lena, Jeff had been planning this weekend for months. Months seemed like enough time to get out of some gala. Or at least RSVP no when the invite came.

“Oh, sorry to hear that,” I responded, “no, I guess my parents are coming tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Marie responded back. She sounded dejected now. She didn’t want to be the only one whose parents had other plans.

“I’m sure they’ll come some other weekend,” I offered. Marie just nodded and walked back in the bathroom with her makeup bag. Guess she needed to powder her nose again. I was just happy to get a couple minutes alone in bed.

JON

I felt guilty, but I was relieved the visit with my dad was coming to an end. It was hard to imagine that this trip would be more difficult than the last with the threat of Claire in my head.

Dinner was weird. I sat next to Julie, trying to dispel my father’s thoughts about something being wrong. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t be able to tell that Julie had been holed up in her cabin for weeks.

Her eyes shone, her skin glowed, and it was definitely due to her sister. The conversation settled mainly around the girls, discussing friends and Jill’s new life in high school. I felt like I was finally seeing a missing part of Julie. A part that had been lying dormant under all of her layers.

I felt like I was seeing the innocent Julie. The childhood Julie. The one who had never lived through hardship. The one who didn’t know loss and still had her father. It was a tiny glimpse, but it was there and I felt something stir inside of me.

I drove back with my father in silence. I knew what he was doing. And I knew I was going to fall for it anyway, “Hey, dad?”

He grunted his response to let me know he was listening.

“Knowing what you know about Claire, would you ever be able to love her again?” I had been looking out the window, but my father’s prolonged silence forced me to look over.

“Jon,” he started gruffly, “I, I don’t know if this is the right answer. But knowing what she did to you. Just knowing what went on behind my back, and the fact that she hurt you and manipulated you? No. I could never have feelings resembling love for that woman, Jon.

“I don’t want to assume here, but… I’ve talked to Jeff. Before you get pissed, it’s my right as your father to find out what’s going on with my son. I know that some information about Julie has come out and… I think I have some understanding on what’s going on with you two. Or at least I have a better understanding of what’s going on with you.

“There’s a big difference between someone like Claire and someone like Julie, and I honestly can’t believe that you think there’s any similarity. Julie is innocent. She’s a kid. You’re still a kid too. You forget that sometimes and I know you’ve gone through more than most adults, but you are a kid. You have some things to learn still.

“Julie is innocent. I don’t know why she ran away, and maybe you haven’t gotten that out of her yet, but the fact that Julie has been through what she has and still has compassion and laughter and love in her… Jon, she loves you. I’ve seen it when she looks at you. Only a person with some kind of innocence left in them can find all that.

“Now Claire, Claire was a monster. She didn’t have love inside of her. I don’t know what went wrong with her down the line, but I can honestly say that I was tricked by her. She didn’t love me and she actually thought she had feelings for you. There was something twisted inside her. Julie is not anything like Claire. She didn’t trick you into loving her. You have to know there’s a difference between the two of them.”

My father was almost pleading with me. I tried to let the words sink in but I was still confused.

“Dad, I think I know why she ran. She hasn’t told me. But I think I have an idea what happened. And I think it could be similar… to what happened to me.”

My dad let out a hiss and put the car in park. I hadn’t realized we were back.

I hadn’t admitted that to anyone. I couldn’t have anyone know that I snuck into Julie’s group sessions. I would be in so much trouble, and I didn’t want her to know that I spied on her. I already lost her trust; I didn’t want to make it worse.

“You really think that?” my dad asked.

“I feel like I should have listened better, pushed her more. Chris knows. He won’t say anything. But she was able to talk to him about it and it pisses me off,” I admitted.

“I can understand you being jealous, Jon. But this can’t be about you. I don’t want to put down your mother, but I’ve never met anyone like Julie, Jon. I know I’m a little older and a lot wiser, but…. Don’t you see how strong she is? Who cares what she had to do on the streets. She’s here because of the decisions she made. I would never disapprove of her. I mean, I don’t know if you want your old man to approve of your girl. But I’m telling you that I do. I don’t think you’ll ever find a girl like that anywhere.”

Julie

I was relieved to be home. It was a lot of work acting all throughout dinner. It was ironic because even sober, I was trying to bullshit my mother into thinking things were okay.

I still didn’t know what Jon’s angle was as he sat next to me during dinner. He said he wanted to forget about things and move on, but how do you just ignore a part of someone? How could you just try to ignore something that you felt so strongly about before? It just didn’t make sense.

I wanted to get high. I wanted to drown my thoughts. I wanted that feeling of not feeling anything. I just wanted to slip into the numbness, but that feeling made me angry. It made me feel weak.

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, washed my face. I changed into pajamas, grabbed my iPod and crawled into bed. I saw that it was only 7:45pm. I thought about everyone else in the common room, laughing, talking about dinner and just joking around. The thought made me feel sick. I was alone. I was surrounded by people but more alone than ever.