Unsound: A Horizons Book (26 page)

“Cut the shit, I want to talk now,” he demanded, the hint of anger in his voice temporarily stunned me.  Jason had never been angry with me before.

“Um, okay,” I said, pushing into him so that he would get up and allow me to slide off the bench.

Once we were out in the empty hall, he turned on me, “are you serious?” he asked.

I simply stared back at him. I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t know what he was looking for, “what? Why are you so mad?”

“That’s all you have to say?” he said, taking a step towards me, “You pushed me away Mindy, why?”

“Um… well… you kissed me!” I said. Hoping that would clear up this weird argument so I could go back to the table and pretend it never happened. Instead, Jason took another step towards me. I instinctively took a small step back, finding the wall instead of the space I desperately wanted.

“Yes, and you kissed me back! I thought that’s what you wanted!” Jason said, taking another step closer and closing the gap between us. I swear his ice blue eyes darkened to a deep blue as he looked down at me, “it’s what I wanted, Mindy. What I want now.”

And then his lips were on mine again. He placed his hands on either side of my face and I melted into the kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he reached down to my waist and pulled me closer. He gently pressed me back into the wall and I pulled him tight as I kissed him back. It was frantic heat and want.

I had never been overcome with lust like this before. And I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was. This heated feeling was alien to me. It had to stop.

I pulled myself away from the kiss and quickly wriggled out of Jason’s arms and stepped away.

“Min, come on,” Jason pleaded, not sure why I pushed him away again. I looked at him with his blue eyes and swollen lips and got fuzzy as to why I pushed him away again.

“I’m sorry, I just–” I turned and walked back into the mess hall. I couldn’t process anything standing so close to Jay. I was just too confused to process any emotion so I wasn’t going to.

Jason

I knew that Mindy was emotionally shut down and withdrawn, but I was getting frustrated. I knew she wanted this. She was kissing me back. She wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with her.

I’d always had a connection with Mindy.

I wish she would just let her wall down and come back to me. I wanted the happy, carefree girl to come back.

Mindy

I didn’t want to face anyone at the table, so I walked back to my cabin. It was just my luck that Jason followed me. If I knew he was going to follow me I wouldn’t have picked the cabin. The empty cabin where no one would enter for hours.

“Jason,” I said warningly.

“This isn’t over,” he said, “you can’t just walk away from this.”

“News flash—I just did! The conversation is over,” I told him, anger rising in me. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t let this go.

“Mindy, you can’t avoid every emotional situation for the rest of your life. You can’t push everyone away who cares about you. That doesn’t make life easier. It’s going to just make your life lonely.”

“So what?!” I screamed back. I felt out of whack. I wasn’t a yeller. I wasn’t outwardly emotional. I felt cornered again, since I was. Jason had backed me into wall of the front entryway. Looking up at him I saw his eyes change color again. He was breathing heavy. I was affecting him and it was a heady feeling knowing I had power over him.

“Jason,” I said again. It was less of a warning this time. I could hear the change in my voice. He was right. I wanted him too. I reached up and pulled his head down to mine, kissing him feverishly.

Jason’s hands ran down my back down to my butt, grabbing it over my jeans, pulling me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He walked into the cabin before sitting on my bed with me straddling his lap.

I stopped all logical thought. I went off instinct and what felt good, and everything Jason was doing felt incredible. I reached down and pulled his shirt off him, pressing my body against as much of his as I could, feeling his warmth and muscles through my thin t-shirt.

His movements were sure and without hesitation. He pulled my t-shirt over my head as he shifted and pushed me back onto the bed. His eyes locked onto mine before traveling down my body as his hands slid to my waist to pull my pants down, pausing to trace the upper lace elastic of my panties with his fingers.

All of a sudden, we heard the door open and a single voice humming “Come All Ye Faithful.” We looked over as Julie stepped through the doorway and froze. A grin broke across her face.

As I began pulling my jeans back up, I opened my mouth to offer an explanation to Julie but no sound came out. Jason was already standing with his shirt back on.
How did he do that so fast?

“No, no,” Julie said, “you two don’t need to stop on account of me…. I was coming to get my iPod for the gym… which I now have. Pretend I was never here,” she finished as she backed out of the cabin, closing the door behind her.

Jason

“Her timing couldn’t have been worse,” I groaned. I looked down at Mindy and saw the apprehension on her face.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself as she pulled a shirt on.

“That was the idea,” I joked, but my smirk dropped when I heard her growl.

“Jason, this isn’t funny. This is too… too much. Way too much.”

That’s when it dawned on me. Of course Mindy was still a virgin, “I’m sorry, Min. You’re right. I wasn’t even thinking.”

I sat down next to her and put my arm around her, pulling her into my side. She remained silent and stiff so I started to tickle her. When she was gasping for air but finally laughing, I stopped and looked down at her again. I saw a glimpse of the girl I knew and leaned down again for a kiss. This time Mindy relaxed into it.

She pulled me closer and kissed me back without hesitation. After a few moments I pulled back. I wasn’t going to rush her again but it was going to take a lot of self-control that I wasn’t sure I possessed.

“Let’s go back to the group, Davies. We can, and we will, reconvene this at a later date.”

Julie

“She’s definitely going to let him,” I said with staggered breath.

“No way, I’ll put money on it, babe,” Jon said, his breathing less labored than mine.

Jeff had agreed to let me come to the gym with them that afternoon. We were in the middle of a sparring round. I liked to think I was a natural at boxing, but fifteen minutes in, Jon had barely broken a sweat. It almost bugged me how naturally athletic he was, until I looked at his muscles glistening with sweat. Then I got over my jealousy at his athletic ability.

The buzzer sounded, signaling the end of our three-minute round.

“I’ll take that bet, bucko,” I said, cocking a hip and resting a gloved hand on it.

“God, you’re hot right now,” Jon said.

I was already hot and sweaty, but my body temperature rose as Jon looked me up and down. I wish Jeff wasn’t running on the treadmill on the opposite side of the gym. I wanted to pull Jon into the locker room showers.

“That’s not going to distract me from this bet. Mindy is definitely not a virgin, and even if she was, she’s getting it on with Jason any day now.”

“Jules, there is no way that girl has let a guy get that close to her, and—” the buzzer signaling the next round buzzed loud, cutting Jon off.

“See?” I said as I got into fighting stance and squared off against my boyfriend, “even the boxing gods don’t agree with you. They just interrupted your false claims.”

Jon laughed as I started a round of jabs, crosses, hooks and uppers into Jon’s gloves.

Mindy

Days passed and Jay didn’t try to get me alone again. It almost bothered me, but he eventually assured me that it was more for him to contain self-control. I didn’t know how I felt about that, but I think it made me feel marginally better.

It was finally the end of December and we had a short reprieve from classes. In a surprise move, Jeff had invited Evan to join us Christmas Eve. We spent the evening in Jeff’s office because he didn’t know how to explain Evan’s presence to the other students.

As we lounged in his office drinking hot chocolate, everyone seemed content. It was nice to have everyone calm and happy.

Chris, Stacy, Tony and Marie were crammed onto the couch. Jason and I were on the love seat, his arm on the back and his hand occasionally caressing my back. Michelle and Evan pulled up chairs to the circle and sat at a respectable distance from each other. Opposite them in more than one way, were Jon and Julie. Jon was in an armchair with Julie pretty much in his lap. I continually glanced at Jeff and Lena who sat on the floor, completing the circle. They didn’t seem to care. If they did, it was a good act. Maybe it was Christmas Spirit.

JONATHAN

It was one of the best nights we’d ever had together as a group. We laughed, we shared stories and we talked about the future. We had a future because of Jeff and Lena.

If anything, I felt thankful as we wrapped up our evening.

I pulled Julie back as we left Jeff’s office, “meet me in the common room in five,” I told her, “I wanna give you something.”

Julie nodded her compliance, and ten minutes later, I handed her my poorly wrapped package as we hid as best we could in a quiet corner.

“A Boston sweatshirt?” Julie said, a small smile lifting the corner of her mouth up, I saw the twinkle in her eye.

“My mom picked it up. I figured you should have one of your own that fits you and doesn’t go all the way down to your knees. Not that I don’t like seeing you in my clothes, cause I really do, but Jeff can only be pushed so far. I don’t want to see his breaking point anytime soon.”

“That was so sweet of you…” Julie said, trailing off and looking at me, a full, breathtaking smile across her lips.

“Anything to see you smile,” I said, surprising myself with the utter earnestness. She really had no idea how much one smile from her affected me.

“Oh?” Julie responded, raising an eyebrow, “Is this where I swoon?” Julie joked, the smile never leaving her face. She was swooning. I could tell.

“Such a funny girl,” I retorted, reaching over and tickling her. As she squirmed and laughed, I managed to pull her into my lap. I held her close feeling her heartbeat against my chest. I had never fallen for someone like this. I had never felt the immediate attraction and electricity, the need and want to be around her all the time. She made me feel whole. She made me feel right.

I took a deep breath and as I sighed, I felt the words slip out: “I love you, Jules.”

I didn’t mean to say it out loud. It had slipped out. I was surprised that I could feel her body stiffen since mine did the same. I felt a cold sweat spreading across my back. I couldn’t believe I said it. I almost wanted to take it back.

But then I realized, I meant it.

“I’m sorry, Jules,” I whispered.

Julie pulled back to look at my face. I could see pain in her eyes.

“I’m not sorry I said it, baby,” I blurted out, “I’m sorry I said it too soon. But I think… no that was stupid,” I stopped and took a breath to calm down. I reached over and tilted her chin until she looked me in the eye again, “I mean it. I love you.”

Julie opened her mouth and closed it again.

“I just… I never…”

“I want you to say it when you’re ready,” I kissed her quickly, silencing her rebuttal before I pulled back and looked at her with a smirk, “I know you will.”

Despite my smugness, I did know. I felt it.

“That’s pretty confident Mr. Scott,” Julie quipped. Her body relaxed.

“I guess you could call it confidence,” I said with a shrug, holding Julie close to me.

“Well, you’re lucky I like confidence, Jon,” Julie whispered into my ear, “let’s go find an empty pantry somewhere so you can show me just how confident you are.”

I stifled a groan as I stood, bringing Julie with me. I latched onto her hand and did a quick assessment of students and teachers so we could sneak off for some real alone time.

Chapter Eight

“
Keep smiling, and one day, Life will get tired of upsetting you
.”

JON

“Hey Jeff!” Julie called as he walked over to the picnic table. It was only February but despite the chill in the air, we bundled up and braved the chill in order to soak up the rare Washington sunshine.

“Hey guys. Hey Julie, there’s someone here to see you in my office. Do you have a sec—” of course, Jeff was cut off by Jason and Mindy taking any chance to make fun of someone getting called into the principal’s office.

“Shut up,” I told them as I searched Julie’s face. She was scared about something. I could tell her mind was going a million miles an hour. She couldn’t even put on a fake smile to mask the worry and it set me on high alert. She still hadn’t opened up to me, so I wasn’t sure why she was so scared of a visit. It made the wheels start turning in my head.

Julie

I couldn’t begin to think about who was waiting for me in that office. It was the most terrifying feeling I had ever experienced, which was saying something.

“Can Jon come,” I managed to squeak out, some part of my brain hoped it sounded natural. Jeff looked at me. It felt like a subliminal warning to figure out if that’s what I really wanted.
Do I want Jon to experience whomever was there without being prepped?
It didn’t matter. Jon had to be my rock because I was too weak. I was scared.

“Of course,” he replied simply, as he turned to walk towards the building.
I’m overthinking this. It’s fine.

Jeff entered first, walking across the room to sit at his desk, and I saw the back of my visitor’s head. I didn’t need this man to stand or to turn around to know who it was. Jeff missed my initial reaction, which was to slowly back myself out of the room. It wasn’t until I bumped into Jon that I made a noise. A barking laugh escaped my throat and I couldn’t run.

I had a fleeting appreciation of the irony. Jon had trapped me. I could have run. I could have hidden and had Jeff send this guy away but Jon unknowingly forced the situation to continue.

The man opened his arms as he approached me, a sideways grin on his face, “Jewelsssss!” he exclaimed, pulling my stiff body into an embrace. No one in the office moved but for him, “honey, everyone misses you at home! I had to come see you for myself when I found out where you were!”

“Home?” I squeaked out, my voice muffled against his chest, as he hadn’t let go of our embrace yet.

“Home?” Jon repeated, “Who is this Julie?” His voice seemed to jog me back to the present and I pulled away from the fake, cold embrace.

“I’m her…
cousin,
Harold,” he responded with a pause before and an emphasis on cousin, “who are you, pretty boy?” he looked Jon over. Although he was easily half a foot shorter than Jon, there was no doubting his strength and domineering personality.

“Jon,” Jon responded, placing a hand on my waist to pull me into him as he reached around to offer his hand to Harold. I saw the flash of anger in Harry’s eyes. I should never have brought Jon with me into the office. Harold now saw a threat, and he exterminated threats.

Jeff decided it was time to get to the bottom of this visit, “so your… cousin, Harold here said he wanted to check up on you, report back home because your family was worried about you. Have you stopped calling home?”

I looked at Jeff, but avoided his eyes, “different side of the family, Jeff. This is uh, the other side, you know? I haven’t contacted any of them. I guess they were worried and unaware that unexpected visits aren’t exactly welcome,” I looked back at Harry, “you know, I’m fine. Please give my best to everyone. But I’m really not at the stage in my treatment to see anyone, even family. I really think it could be detrimental and I know that everyone here is only concerned with my safety, health and well-being.”

It was an open-ended threat, and that’s how I wanted it to come out. I knew that Harry would hear what I meant with my words.

“Poodle,” he responded, with a short laugh, “of course everyone wants you to be healthy and fit. Why don’t we just speak for a few minutes in private, give your cousin a few moments of your time, eh?”

Jon, whose hand was still holding onto mine, gave a squeeze, and Jeff tried to make eye contact, but I wouldn’t let Harold out of my direct line of vision.

“Fine, if that’s okay with Jeff after all.”

“Sure,” Jeff said, walking around his desk, “I’ll wait with Jon outside.”

“Right outside,” I said, finally making eye contact with Jeff. I squeezed Jon’s hand back, giving him permission to leave the room as well.

The door closed and Harold took a step closer to me. I put my hand up to stop him.

“I am giving you sixty seconds to tell me what the hell you’re doing here. Then you’re leaving. That is all that is happening right now, Harry.”

“Those are ballsy words, Poodle. You sure you want to speak to me like that? I think you know what can happen…”

“What the hell are you doing here, Harry?” I was trying to keep my voice from rising. I wanted answers before Jeff and Jon came back in here to protect me and send Harry away. It made me realize how lucky I was to have people to rely on. This was the first time since my father died that I had men to rely on. Men who stood a chance against Harry. I was relieved knowing they were out there, proud too, knowing that they were there for me.

JONATHAN

I looked at Jeff, “You and I both know that wasn’t family.”

Jeff did not answer, only confirming my feelings, “What do I do, Jeff?”

“Jon, there is one concrete fact that I have learned in my years as a counselor. You can’t pull information out. It’s your role to trust, trust that you’re in her life for a reason. Trust that she will come to you with the truth eventually. But trust the fact that the scared girl in there… loves you. And that should make you feel more concrete and safe than the truth.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I waited. Waited for Julie to open the door.

Julie

“Why aren’t you telling me? How did you find me?” I demanded. I knew I was pushing my luck. I knew his temper was quick to rise. But I was nervous for the truth. Had he tracked me down? If he tracked me here, had he tracked down my family too? No that had to be impossible, as far as I knew, he had no idea where I was even from… but if he tracked me down here, anything was possible.

“Poodle, you better watch your tone. Daddy isn’t too happy with you. I came up here to forgive you—"

“Forgive me?! Are you out of your mind,” I exclaimed, backing up a tiny step just to make sure I was a safe distance away.

“Listen Poodle, it's time to shut your mouth,” Harry was getting angry, “Like I was saying, I came up here to forgive you, you dumb bitch. After you go and land yourself in the hospital… too many people were coming around with questions…. You were calling around too much, Poodle. Not covering your tracks.”

That’s how he found me
. Relief spread through my shoulders. I was safe. He saw the area code, did some research. Anyone could have found me that way.

“I lost a lot of money covering up the mess you left behind,” Harry was still talking. My silence was his cue to continue, “But, you're still my prettiest girl. You made me the most money, Poodle. So listen, I’ll cut you a deal cause Daddy still loves his little girl. You turn some tricks up here, you send some money down my way to pay back what I lost… maybe I’ll take care of you when they kick your good for nothing ass out of here.”

“I’m not getting kicked out of here, Harry. Forget it, that’s not my life anymore.”

Harry chuckled, inching closer to me, “Poodle… you know why I call you Poodle right? Obedient. Pretty. Groomed,” Harry said each word slowly, making sure to get his point across, “What a lost little puppy you were that day, climbing into my car. You might think you’re worth a damn after what these Jesus followers have filled your stupid little head with, but you’re still a worthless dog at the end of the day. Even a poodle is just a bitch, only there for a lay when the breeder says she’s ready.

“I say you’re ready,” Harry said, only an arm’s length away from me now. I didn’t back down and I didn’t blink. I stared into Harry, trying to read him, trying to see past the dark, dead, almost black eyes. I dropped my walls and let him see into me. The emptiness he caused. The rage, the terror, the numbness, the bad. He caused so much bad.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Harry asked after a moment, "All that shit you took fucked you up." He was spooked by my eerie silence, but that only paused him for a moment before he took the chance to dig deeper into the scared, insecure lonely girl from the streets.

“You think you’ve got something up here? Some magical life? You’re a fucking worthless bitch who can’t do anything unless her legs are spread. You fucking lost your mind with all those drugs you was doin.”

“You know what Harry… I don’t know why I was scared of you for so long you pathetic, ugly little man. You want to beat me now? You want to throw me down, rape me? Smack me around because I need to be put in my place? Try it. One fingerprint and your ass is in jail. You know it, and I know it.”

I looked him in the eye then turned my back on him for the first time ever and walked to the door, opening it without looking back. Jeff and Jon stood immediately

“Jeff, Harold is going to leave, you’ll see him out, won’t you?” I didn’t look back at the man standing in Jeff’s office. I paused for a moment next to Jon but didn’t make eye contact. He started to reach for my hand but I continued my exit out of the building. Jon looked at Jeff and after a moment’s hesitation, sat back down. He didn’t follow me and I don’t know if I was relieved or upset.

I laid down when I got back to my cabin. Harry’s words were on repeat in my brain.

Worthless. Stupid girl. Obedient
.

I always pretended to be tough, but I knew that I wasn't. I did what I had to in order to survive, but I was weak. I let men control me; I let these evil men find me and control my self worth. I thought that I was desirable enough to control men, but it wasn't true. What I thought were strengths were actually weaknesses. These men knew I was weak and knew how to take advantage.

No matter what he thought he felt for me, Jon didn't know me. He didn't know the real me. He didn't know what I was capable of or what I had done. Jon didn’t need me to drag him down.

As I crawled into my bed, I made a vow to stay away from Jon, give him his space and let him get over me. I may be worthless, but at least for once, I was doing the right thing.

Mindy

We were in the common room, like almost every night; except the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Jon and Julie, the usually inseparable duo, were not even in the same vicinity as each other. Julie was sitting on a table up in the loft, flirting with some guy from another group whose homework she was most definitely sitting on. Jon sat in a chair below with the rest of us, pretending to read. I knew he was watching every move she made, his knuckles turned more white with every hair toss, every laugh.

Anthony entered the room and took the empty seat next to Jon, “Yo man, what’s going on?” he said to no reply. Anthony followed Jon’s gaze and looked up at the loft.

“Hmm, that’s new,” Tony observed. Jon grunted in response, not having anything more productive to say about the situation.

He eventually sighed and sat back, looking at Tony; “She’s been distant and quiet and cold since yesterday, and now this…” Jon nodded his head in the direction of his girlfriend flirting up in the loft as he trailed off.

"What happened yesterday? Who came to see her?" Tony asked.

"She said it was her cousin. I don't know who he really was, but he triggered whatever the fuck this is."

“Maybe you should go talk to her man, find out what’s going on,” Anthony suggested. Where Jay was flippant and Chris pushed buttons, Tony was a peach keeper. I was glad that Tony sat next to Jon.

Julie had told me about her impromptu meeting with her pimp. I urged her to tell Jon the truth, but she didn't want to. She just wanted it all to go away. I understood now why Chris pushed buttons the way he did. He wasn't trying to make anyone angry, he was just trying to push them in the right direction. He seemed to have a philosophy that if you piss someone off enough, they would bend to your will, even if they think they're doing what they want. It was some Jedi-mind shit, but I wished that I had the ability to do that with Julie.

Jon thought for a second, then pushed himself out of his chair and started towards the steps. He didn’t know why she was acting like this and it made him nervous to ask her. Jon didn’t get nervous often, but he loved Julie, and what scared him more than her shutting down and hurting him, were the truths she could finally tell him.

Jon walked slowly up to the table and although Julie saw him, she didn’t acknowledge his presence, “Hey Jules, can we talk?” he asked.

“Sure,” Julie said, not making any movement to get up and go talk to him. Jon saw red.

“Uh, now?”

“No, I don’t really feel like it right now.”