Unsound: A Horizons Book (28 page)

Not even a little bit. I missed her.

I dropped my head into my hands and leaned forward on my knees. I suddenly couldn’t figure out why her past was such a big deal. She was taking care of herself. She was surviving. Julie may have fallen, but she managed to find ways to pick herself up and keep going. She was strong. She was a fighter. Not me. I didn’t have her strength.

Then I remembered the truth. Thoughts of her being with hundreds of men filled my head, reminding me of what she was. There was no sugar coating it, she was a hooker. I didn’t know if anything between us was real. I thought I felt a connection with her but maybe that was all a trick. Maybe it was better to live in the lie forever.

I sat for a while, my thoughts going back and forth like a tennis match. I thought about her strength and her drive but then I thought about the reality. Who does that? What kind of person trades sex for money and drugs? Then I thought back to what Chris said, that I didn’t understand. I was missing a piece to this puzzle. There was a piece that Julie was keeping to herself, something that may help me understand how she got to where she did.

I looked over at Julie’s nightstand, hoping to find what I was looking for. I was hedging on her rushing off to class without her day-planner. I smiled when I saw it there.
Maybe I do know her
. I shook the confusing thought and flipped the book open. It wasn’t hard to find what I needed—her therapy schedule was a main focus of her daily routine. 

Chris was right, I didn’t understand, but Julie also purposely kept me at an arms length all this time. She was always careful not to divulge too much of her past. I felt a flare of anger that Chris knew things about Julie. Things she didn’t let me know.

I knew it wasn’t exactly the most ethical way to find out the truth, but at this point, I figured morals were shot to hell anyway.

* * *

It was the second group therapy session I came to eavesdrop on that week and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I knew I wasn’t allowed to drop into a session that wasn’t mine, I didn’t know what Jeff would do if he found out. I opened the back door a crack so I could watch everyone walk in. The room was filling with females who I now knew were all sexually abused. 

The second Julie walked through the front door I felt the air change. I sensed Julie before I saw her, but once I did; I couldn’t take my eyes from her. She was beautiful as ever, but she looked so sad. I knew I was a reason for that sadness. She sat in the last row and sank low in her seat. She looked scared, I could see her hands shaking before I realized it was her entire body. I wondered if she had been eating; the harder I looked, the more thin and drained she looked. I hadn’t noticed that before, but I should have—she hadn’t been eating meals with the group.

Guilt filled my gut. I was a selfish bastard.

The instructor was a woman I had only seen on campus once before at Julie’s last therapy session. She was a beautiful, tall, slim black woman and her eyes fixed directly on Julie today.

“Ms. Thompson… you know what today is.”

“Yeah I’m just waiting for lighting to strike and kill me,” Julie responded. When the girls stopped giggling around her she continued, “Can I at least do this from here, I just… haven’t felt like myself this week, I’m a little under the weather.”

“Sure,” the instructor said as she grabbed a seat herself. No one looked back at Julie as she gathered her thoughts. I didn’t typically have group therapy sessions, but I still understood how hard it was to uncover the past. The other girls clearly respected that.

“I… I don’t know where to start, um…” Julie’s voice was shaky, “You know, I can talk about my anorexia and quitting dance like it was nothing. Getting date-raped by my first boyfriend barely registers as a defining life event… I know that’s fucked up, but I hadn’t even remembered that it happened until recently.

“I even recently discussed my years of getting raped, which was hard, but talking about those months I spent on the streets… it bothers me to even think about it. It disgusts me. I disgust myself.”

Raped? Julie never spoke to me about that. She mentioned the ex, but never once did she bring up another situation.

“I never saw myself doing drugs. Even when I was doing drugs, it was never for the high; it was for the numbness I knew I could feel after. I didn’t want to feel joy; I didn’t want to have fun. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I thought that I deserved nothing… and you know? Recently, I
finally
felt like that’s not true, that maybe I do deserve more… that I
am
a good person. But that feeling didn’t last long,” Julie paused as her voice cracked with emotion.

“What do you mean by that Julie,” the instructor prodded.

Julie couldn’t fight back the tears, and she didn’t try anymore, I felt my heart twisting, “I just… I finally met someone who was different. I fought so hard to keep men at a distance. But I let this one in and ugh, what’s that expression… he built me up? That’s a fleeting feeling. When you build yourself up it just allows you to fall harder. I’m just mad at myself for letting him in, letting him see me, or maybe it’s my fault, for not laying it all out on the table from the get go. I guess I didn’t really let him see me. I let him see an image of me. And when the truth finally came out, my baggage was too much for him to handle and accept me as me.”

The twisting in my heart spread down to my gut. I now understood the expression “gut wrenching.” I couldn’t quite see Julie’s face, but I closed my eyes and saw her sitting there, tears streaming freely down her face. I wished I could touch her face, gently wipe away the tears, take it all back, take away her pain.

“How do you accept that this was part of your life to the point that you can go on and tell people about it? Oh yeah, I used to be a hooker… I used to blow rich married men in their cars before they went home to their pilled-out wives. I used to get raped weekly by my pimp who would beat the shit out of me if I didn’t know exactly what he wanted—which was different every time.

“I wouldn’t love me anymore either. Hell, I’ve never loved myself. I judge myself every day. I have to live with this every day.”

I couldn’t listen anymore. Hearing her speak about random men she was with made it so much harder to accept. I couldn’t listen to details of what she did. It was disgusting. At the same time, I wanted to hold her and tell her I was sorry and make it all better.

I didn’t know how that was possible though.

As quietly as I could, I pushed the door open and slipped out unnoticed.

* * *

The next day I woke up early and hopped in the shower. My dad was coming and I couldn’t wait to see him.  As I got dressed, my nerves flared. I was excited but anxious. I was still so torn about Julie and I didn’t want my father to find out the truth.

I walked to the cafeteria, wanting to eat breakfast before my dad got there. When I walked in, I immediately saw the man sitting at the Mountain Climbers table talking to Jeff.  I felt my mouth split into a grin.  It was great to see my father. There was still some guilt that I turned his life upside down with the truth about Claire, but I felt like things were getting back to normal between us.

I reached the table and was immediately pulled into a tight embrace. I hugged my dad and chatted with him as we sat down.

Instinctively, my head turned as Julie entered the mess hall. I (sort of) knew what my mind thought about her, but my body reacted differently every time she was near. My pulse still quickened and my breath still caught when I glimpsed her stunning beauty.

I must have looked at her for a moment too long because I felt the nudge from my father, as he said quietly in my ear, “She really is something, alright.”

“Stop,” I said, holding up a hand up to my dad. I knew Julie was a dime but I didn’t really need to hear my father agree. We already had too much incest in the family pool. I also didn’t want to tell my father what was going on. I realized then that I had to keep the truth from him. After all we’d been through, he was proud of me again. I didn’t want to ruin that.

“Here’s the rest of the gang!” Mike said loudly.

“Dad…” I saw the rest of the group trickle into the mess hall and looked around for Julie. I didn’t see her. I decided to use my group members as a distraction so I could find her and talk.

Julie

As the group walked over to the table, I walked outside with a bagel. I saw Jon’s dad and couldn’t face the situation. My mom was due any minute and I wanted to make sure to eat, but at the same time, didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

I wasn’t sure how long I could avoid everyone, but I was going to try my hardest to hold out until
after
this weekend from hell concluded.

I sat on a bench outside, picking at the bagel. I really didn’t have an appetite; I was too upset, too raw, and too empty. But the last thing I needed was for mom to see me looking skinny and bring up another slew of issues and baggage from the past.

My mind wandered back to the mess hall. Two months ago I would have sat next to Jon, his hand on my leg under the table. I would smile and charm his father, maybe with a hint of a flirtation. He would love me… Jon would still love me.

But that was the fake life. The one that I didn’t deserve and the one where only half of my history was on the surface.

A shadow fell over the table and I looked up.

“Hey Jules,” Jon said quietly. He looked uncomfortable. He didn’t really know what to say; neither did I.

“Hey yourself. What are you doing out here, isn’t your dad inside?” I asked.

“So you did see us…” Jon said with a cringe, immediately regretting it, “I just, I wanted to say, I’m Sorry. I was really selfish and I acted wrong.”

“You’re not getting an argument from me,” I muttered. It was a natural reaction to act standoffish. I was confused. I wasn’t relieved or happy by Jon’s declaration; something just didn’t feel right about it.

“I miss you, Julie,” Jon said as he sat down across from me. He lifted his hand as if to put it over mine, but then he thought differently and ran his hand through his hair. “Listen, I heard that your mom is coming. My dad really wants to take you and her out to dinner.  He wants to get to know you better. It would mean a lot to him.”

Jon looked at me, but not in my eyes. He was pleading with me but there was something missing in his apology. Sincerity. I didn’t have the energy or willpower to argue or ask questions. I looked down to stare at my hands. If I looked at Jon, I might have cried. I didn’t think I could be more hurt by Jon, but he accomplished it with this conversation. I think I felt disappointment most of all.

“Are you going to say anything?” Jon asked. I looked up and we locked eyes. Something passed between us and Jon reached across the table and touched my hand, “It’s okay, you don’t have to give me an answer right now.

“But, Julie, I really do miss you. I miss being with you. Can’t we just forget about the last couple of weeks and try to move forward? We can pretend it didn’t happen,” Jon offered. I couldn’t respond. I think he might have thought his words were fixing things. They only hurt me that much more.

“My dad has asked about you a few times, I didn’t want to tell him anything until we talked. I know I didn’t handle myself well. I know that. And… I’m sorry. Will you at least come inside and eat a real breakfast with us instead of picking at a bagel by yourself out here?”

Jon stood up and extended a hand to me. He was oblivious to the turmoil going on inside my head, “Sure,” I croaked out, but I stayed put. My head was spinning with confusion.

“Great,” Jon said, hand still extended. I stood slowly without taking his hand, bracing myself to walk into the cafeteria and put on a happy face.

“JULIE!” I heard a familiar voice and my heart stopped for a moment. I hadn’t heard the car pull up, and I had no idea she was coming. This was a surprise, a big surprise, but the best one I had ever had. All thoughts of Jon left my head.

JON

Julie turned around at the sound of her name and I looked up to see a younger version of Julie climb out of a rental car.

“JILLY!” Julie exclaimed before breaking into a sprint for her sister.

I watched as the girls jumped into each other’s arms, falling to the ground, hugging and laughing. I felt a grin stretch across my face as I watched Julie be so carefree. Her guard was completely down and she looked so happy.
I used to make her look like that. Before I was an idiot.

I watched as Julie’s mom walked slowly over to the girls. She stood there, watching her daughters with the hint of a smile on her face. She seemed a bit wary, maybe nervous? Julie talked about her sister a lot, and her father, but I never heard about her mom. I know that when she first got here, she felt abandoned by her mom, but maybe there was more.

There was always something more. More secrets I wasn’t privy to.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding!” Mike said as he clapped me on the shoulder, causing me to jump.

I had forgotten about my father, “hey dad, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I understand. So, that’s Julie’s family I take it?”