Unsound: A Horizons Book (31 page)

I turned the volume higher and closed my eyes. I wished I could slip into nothingness. I would give anything right now to feel that. Sleep was a close second.

Moments later, a hand touched my shoulder, making me jump up. The iPod fell and slid across the floor.  I looked up to see my mother, sitting at the foot of the bed.

JON

I had just said bye to my father. I wished that I could spend more time with my dad, but maybe this was better. No more time to dredge up the past.  That conversation was exhausting and I couldn’t think anymore.

I wanted to be by myself so I skipped passed the common room. I walked into the dark mess hall and rolled my eyes. There was a blond girl sitting on one of the tables, some guy sitting in front of her, obviously trying to get with her. She had curly hair that came beyond her shoulders, but I couldn’t see her face.

I turned to leave and bumped into a chair. The girl jumped and looked around, “Johnny?”

I turned to look at her and stopped dead in my tracks. Talk about blast from the past.

Julie

“Mom, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Honey, I just… had to talk to you,” Nina said.

“Okay. Where’s Jill?”

“She’s asleep in the front seat, she doesn’t know I turned around to drive back.  I’ll be quick, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah,” I said warily, “as you mentioned.”

I watched my mom, who stood up, put her hair in a ponytail, sat back down and took the ponytail out. I didn’t know why my mom was nervous. I couldn’t remember ever seeing my mom like this.

“I just… I’m so sorry, Julie. You’ve been through so much… and I sent you here. I told you that I didn’t want you coming home. That’s mean,” Nina started to cry, “I’m… I’m a bad mom.”

“Mom, I get it,” I lied. I didn’t want to see her cry. There’s something wrong about a kid seeing their parent so upset. But I didn’t disagree with her. My mom never asked for an explanation. She just sent me away without talking to me. I would never understand why she didn’t ask me anything. She didn’t try to talk to me. She saw me and sent me away then didn’t contact me for weeks.

“Julie, you’ve been through a lot. I know…” she paused, allowing her words to sink in, “I know that you’ve been through a lot at home. I wanted you to understand something.”

As Nina looked into my eyes, I did start to understand. I felt the heat flush through my body with realization. I felt the anger creep up my throat and into my face; it built swiftly and then I saw red.

“I thought it would be better for you to… come here. You know, be away from the house a little longer. We were doing so much better and I didn’t know what would happen—”

“You didn’t know what would happen? If I came home?” I asked quietly, disbelief now mixing with the anger.

“Well, you had just been away for so long…. Things seemed to be better. And I didn’t know if you had feelings—”

“Get out!” I demanded, the anger completely washing away the disbelief and any sorrow I felt moments earlier.

“Julie, please. He’s sick,” my mom pleaded through the tears, “I didn’t mean—”

“Didn’t mean to assume that I liked what that man did to me? That I had feelings for a grown man who preyed on and raped a helpless teenager?

“I’ve gone years thinking everything was my fault! That if only someone knew, they could have stopped it. I know what that man did to me was wrong. I know that he’s the one to blame, not me. I was fourteen, mom. Fourteen fucking years old. Fuck you for thinking that I liked it.”

I was standing at this point. Pacing and ranting. This is what my own mother thought about me? She didn’t want her own daughter around her husband because she was jealous? She sent me away so that she could keep her husband to herself. It was sick. It was wrong.

“I want you to get out,” I demanded again, “I don’t know you. We’re done.”

“Julie, I was still drinking then, I was jealous, you don’t understand what—” Nina started.

“No, mom, you don’t understand,” I shouted, cutting her off again, “You have no idea what I’ve been through, you have no idea what it’s like to be me. You have no idea what my nights used to be like. Since I was fourteen, I was frightened of the night. By fifteen, I started being scared of the afternoons and by sixteen, when I left that house, I was terrified all the time.

“I want you to leave. I don’t want to even ask you how long you’ve known, because I don’t want to hate you anymore than I do at this moment. I want you to leave now... that is all I want.”

I retreated into the bathroom and I didn’t look at my mother again. I just wanted to get away and I hoped beyond hope that she would leave quickly.

When the screen door slammed, I threw up.

JON

I sat at a table in the mess hall talking with Marina Siegel. I knew her from L.A. I still couldn’t believe she was here. She was still extremely beautiful. At one point in my life, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever known. Of course those were the drug-induced days. I honestly hadn’t even thought about her until the moment I saw her.

Talking to her brought me back to a life before Julie, a life with simple relationships—that was nice. Talking to Marina was nice. It was simple. She wasn’t a new friend but seeing her again, and seeing her while sober, it was practically like someone new.  Regardless, it was refreshing.

Marina was telling me about how she ended up at Horizons when she paused, looking at the entryway.

“Can I help you?” she asked. I turned and saw Julie, pale as a ghost with wide eyes.

“Uh,” Julie stammered, her voice was thick.

“Julie!” I said, standing up quickly like I was caught doing something wrong.

“No, don’t get up. I’m just… leaving,” Julie said turning to walk out again. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong with Julie.

I turned and looked at Marina, “hey I’m sorry, but I need to….”

“Of course,” Marina said with a shrug. I didn’t stay to say anything else, but ran outside, after Julie.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… I’m fine,” Julie lied. I looked at her closely; she looked awful. She didn’t look like this during dinner.

“You’re not fine, baby,” I said. The endearment sounded strange coming out of me and I felt my posture stiffen. Julie could tell.

“Who was that?” Julie asked calmly, ignoring my concern.

“I used to uh… know her in L.A. Her name is Marina,” I responded. I wanted to be careful about the details I offered.

“She’s very pretty. Knew her, like… dated her?”

“It was only for a couple of months, Julie. I was using, trying to stay away from the house. I was going to clubs every night. That’s where I met her.”

“Clubs in L.A.? You were getting into clubs in L.A. at fifteen?”

“Well, that was partly due to my fake ID, mostly due to Marina. Marina is a little older than us,” I offered. I felt like Julie had a way of pulling answers out of me.

“How much older,” she asked. This was getting worse and worse.

“Um, well, she would have just turned 20,” I admitted.

“So she was 18 or 19 when you were… dating her? So what, she was in college?”

“Well kinda…” I let out a breath and just went for the truth, “she was taking a few night classes, but she was really interning full time during the day for the company she used to… model for. She was sort of a teen model. But she had been going to all the clubs since she was our age. I was just a part of her crew I guess. I was never really questioned by any of the bouncers or bartenders.”

Julie just looked at me. She was at a loss for words really. I had never told her about this side of my past. She knew all about Claire, she knew that I was high a lot, but she assumed I was with some high school stoners. Marina was such a small blip in my life that I never would have thought to mention her. I really hadn’t thought about her at all until seeing her in the flesh.

“She just checked herself in here for drug rehab. With the partying and the full time job and the classes, she did a lot of uppers, lots of coke and speed.”

“Weird she would be in a place like this if she was some big time model…” Julie started but I cut her off.

“I didn’t tell you that to be jealous or angry, Julie. I’m just telling you everything.”

“Julie… you never used to call me Julie,” she started, her voice thick with emotion, “When you stopped dating this… Marina chick, was it because you were sent up here? Had to stop club hopping with your girlfriend?”

“Something like that,” I admitted. The truth was, I had never spoken to Marina sober. I wasn’t sure if there had been feelings there; I wasn’t sure if I wanted there to be real feelings there.

Julie nodded. Two hours ago, her emotions were barely tolerable, now she couldn’t handle anything more.

“I gotta go,” Julie whispered. She was breaking down.

As she walked away, I just shrugged. I couldn’t keep trying to get Julie to open up to me. I gave her chances to do it on her own but she didn’t care. Maybe there was just nothing more to say and this was best for both of us.

Mindy

“Hey Mindy, can I see you?” Jeff asked late on Sunday afternoon.

I followed him into his office. I knew what this was about, but I was embarrassed. This had to do with my being the orphan child during Parent’s Weekend. My parents decided not to come up that weekend. It was fine. I almost didn’t expect them to. I knew they weren’t ready to see me.

“Mindy, I just wanted to talk to you about this weekend.”

“Jeff, it’s fine. I knew they wouldn’t come,” I told him.

“Oh! So you’ve heard from them?” he asked me, a surprise in his voice.

“Wha’d’you mean?” I asked quickly.

“It’s just they had said they were coming Saturday, and then never showed up. I didn’t know you had spoken to them,” Jeff commented, “I’m actually a little relieved. I’m sorry I was so busy this weekend and didn’t get in touch with them or call you in here earlier.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, they weren’t ready to see me. I don’t know when that will happen,” I lied. I’m not sure why I lied, but once it slipped out, I couldn’t take it back.

Jeff stared at me and I wondered if he could see through me. He looked tired.

“Can I go?” I asked.

Jeff nodded, “Have a good night, Min. And I’m sorry.”

I left, feeling a little unsound.  We were all a little unsound.

CHAPTER TEN

“You never know how strong you are 

Until being strong is your only choice.”

Mindy Davies

A few days later, Jon was sitting with Marina on the other end of the cafeteria. He was spending a lot of his meals over there. He was with the Mountain Climbers less and less because it was just easier. Being away from Julie was easier.

Julie had become despondent. She didn’t want to be around anyone, even me. No one could get her to talk. No one could get her to smile. Jeff didn’t know what to do about her. Her grades were flawless; she went to her counseling sessions. He didn’t get any complaints from his colleagues. She just didn’t want to connect with any of us anymore.

With Julie eating meals quietly at the end of the table, and Jon sitting elsewhere, the group felt split. We weren’t a team and we were arguing a lot, getting on each other’s nerves. 

Jeff approached the Mountain Climbers table; his face was pale. Even from across the room, Jon could tell something was wrong. He excused himself from Marina and walked over to be with the group, standing at the opposite end of the table from Jeff.

“Mindy, can you um,” Jeff ran a hand through his hair, “can you come with me to my office?”

When I stood, so did Julie and Jason. Jeff didn’t stop them. The rest of the group got up to follow as well. It was obvious that something happened. I had a feeling in my gut. A sick, sinking feeling.

Jason

Mindy walked into Jeff’s open office and before he could stop us, Julie and I followed behind. Lena was already there, sitting on the window seat. Her eyes were red and she was unable to look anyone in the eye. Jeff closed the door and waited until we entered and sat down.

“I’m so sorry,” Jeff started looking sadly at Mindy, “but there was a car accident.  A… fatal… car accident.”

I looked over at her. Mindy blinked twice, “both of them?” she asked quietly.

“I’m so sorry,” Jeff said in response.

“Drunk?” Mindy asked. Jeff looked at her confused.

“Were they drunk?” knowing her parents lifestyle, I asked the full question for her. I felt anger creep up from the pit of my core.

“They haven’t gotten the full autopsy back yet, but it’s looking that way. There was another car. It was a head-on collision. We don’t know about the passengers from the other car except that someone is in critical condition in the hospital.

“It’s my understanding that you have close family friends who are lawyers, they’re handling the estate and everything….”

Mindy

Jeff continued to talk, but I was done listening. I was an orphan, but I couldn’t stop the word that kept floating around my brain.

Free
.

I knew Jeff was still talking, I knew Julie was sitting next to me holding my hand, but I couldn’t force myself to the present.
Maybe this was what being in shock felt like. 

I felt like I was watching what was going on from outside my body as thoughts floated through my mind:

Wasn’t I supposed to be sad? Should I be crying?
 
I don’t feel like crying. In fact, I feel calm. Does that make me a bad person? My parents did bring me into this world. Shouldn’t I be grateful of that fact?

“Mindy!” Julie’s voice screamed from somewhere on earth where my body presided. It didn’t react though. Just sat, staring off into blank space while my brain warred with my body.

“Julie, maybe you can head out to Virginia with Mindy. Lena can go too, as your chaperone? I think it would be better if she doesn’t go alone,” Jeff said, clicking his Mac to bring it back from sleep.

Julie nodded, not trusting her voice if she spoke. Lena remained seated on the window seat off to the side. She didn’t say anything, just watched me, curious about what was going on in my head. Eventually Jeff thought it was a good idea for me to lie down. I hadn’t been responsive to anything he said. He hoped that Julie would fill me in when I came to. 

They were talking about me like I wasn’t there but I didn’t care.
Let them think I’m not here. Let them give me silence.

Everyone stayed behind to talk to Jeff except for Julie and Jay who decided to walk me back to the cabin to rest. I wasn’t responsive, but I walking on my own. Jay guided me with a hand on the small of my back. That I felt vividly. There was a comfort radiating out of that small patch of warmth on my back.

We were a few yards away from the cabin entrance when I tripped but Jay caught me before I hit the ground. He scooped me up and cradled me in his arms as he walked to the left— towards the boys cabin.

“Where are you going?” Julie asked, trotting behind us, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching.

“I’m not letting her out of my sight, Jules,” Jay said without turning to look at her. Julie didn’t respond, so she just opened the door for Jay to take me to bed. Julie watched from the doorway as he laid me on his bed, and covered me with a blanket. He knew Julie was there, but didn’t acknowledge her. His focus was intently on me.

He sat on his bed, pulling me close to him, stroking my hair. I lay still, eyes still open staring off into space, but I felt his hands, felt the warmth. It spread through my body, relaxing me.

Then Julie realized where
she
was and looked at Jon’s made bed. She instinctively wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a chill spread through her own body. She backed out of the cabin and with one last look at us, left for the comfort of her own bed.

JONATHAN

Jeff explained to us what had happened. There had been a fatal car accident. Mindy’s parents didn’t make it; and they were unsure about the passengers of the other car. He didn’t have to tell the group that Mindy’s father had been drunk—we had known about Mindy’s parents by now to assume what caused the fatality.

“I’ll take over for a little while Lena is with the girls,” Jeff told them, causing me to look up from my hands for the first time.

“Julie’s going?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Jeff responded, “I didn’t think Mindy should go alone.”

“But aren’t you going?” I looked at Lena who just stared back. She hadn’t said a word since we entered the office.

“Julie is a peer, it may be easier for Mindy if she has a friend, not just a chaperone,” Jeff explained his reasoning.

“What about Jay?” I asked, reluctant to think of Julie leaving the school even for a little while.

“That adds difficulty with the co-ed aspect…” Jeff trailed off, not paying much attention to me. He had a lot to do to prepare this trip for them and lots to sort out in terms of Mindy’s new legal guardians, whomever they were.

I stood up and left, I wanted to go on a run, clear my mind. I couldn’t wrap my head around Julie’s past; it still made me sick to think about it. But the thought of not seeing her every day was one I didn’t like. I knew I was being selfish and unreasonable and that she would only be gone for a few days, but I didn’t like it. The thought of not knowing what she was doing, not being able to protect her. I had never felt so confused.

Mindy

I remained in Jay’s bed for a long time. It was dark out when I made to sit up. I was dizzy and held my head for a moment.

“Min? You okay?” Jay’s voice sounded from the bed next to me. I started but nodded. I didn’t say anything as I plodded to the bathroom.

When I walked back, I took a look at Jay’s bedside clock. It was 7:00pm. Everyone would be in the cafeteria for dinner.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. My voice was hoarse from not talking.

“I didn’t want you to wake up alone,” Jay said. He remained on the spare bed. I didn’t want him far from me. I wanted to feel his warmth. I walked to the spare bed and held out my hand, pulling him over to his bed and climbing in. He looked down at me in question before crawling in behind me.

He held me and I started to feel myself come back down to earth.

I turned so I could rest my head on his chest and run a hand under his shirt. I wanted to feel skin. I wanted the contact. I stroked Jason’s stomach, running a finger lightly against the line of his boxers. I felt his breathing pick up so I leaned in to kiss him. He kissed me back lightly, that’s not what I wanted. I wanted the all-consuming power that he could impose over me.

I lifted myself so I straddled him and leaned over for another kiss. Jason stalled me, hands squeezing my hips, “Min. What are you doing? Are you okay?”

“Shh—” I said to him, “I just want to feel you,” I admitted, sliding my hands under his shirt again. I felt his skin searing into my palms. That’s what I wanted. The numbness was gone; I could just feel Jason in every part of my body.

I leaned into him again and this time he kissed me back, pulling my hips down against him. I could feel him getting hard underneath me. I had never felt power like this before. I broke from his lips and laved at Jay’s earlobe before kissing down his neck. Jay groaned and pulled my hips harder against him.

“Min, God, you feel incredible,” Jason said, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt. One hand held me there and the other cradled my head as he switched our positions and flipped me onto my back. He hovered over me and looked into my eyes again. I reached up and took his shirt off. I wanted skin. More skin.

I wasn’t at Horizons for drugs, but I could see the appeal. At that moment, Jason was like a drug to me. I was forgetting about the accident. Forgetting about any numbness. Jason was bringing me back to life and I needed more.

“I want this,” I whispered to him as he kissed my neck. Jason’s head lifted to look at me. I looked back, not hiding anything. I saw his eyes flash with lust; I could feel his heartbeat pick up. He knew what I was asking for.

I felt the fight in him. He wanted me. He wanted this, “are you sure, Min? Cause if we don’t stop now, I’m not stopping the rest of the night.”

 “I’m sure, Jason,” I said quietly, but my voice didn’t waver, “I want to be with you, Jason. You’re the only thing that makes sense now. And there’s nothing I want more right now.”

I looked into Jay’s eyes as he peered down at me. There were so many emotions flashing through his pretty, ice blue eyes, I couldn’t follow them all. And then, I lost my virginity.

JONATHAN

Tony, Chris, Michelle, Marie, Stacy and I sat in the common room in silence. None of us had anything to say. Mindy didn’t look like she was doing well when I saw her sleeping in Jason’s bed that afternoon. I wished Julie sat with us. She shouldn’t be alone.

I thought back to the last therapy session I crashed.

Julie hadn’t spoken much since the first one I snuck into, but I was addicted to being close to her so I kept going. I always stayed hidden, didn’t look at others when they spoke, not wanting to invade their privacy. I was there for Julie and was always torn by the usual relief at not hearing more details and disappointment at not learning everything about this girl.

“All the time he was hitting me and shoving my face into the mattress so I couldn’t scream when he….” I cringed, happy she couldn’t finish that sentence with the sob that took over instead.

Anger flooded my body. I was listening to Julie speak about getting raped. It was then that I realized how disgusted I was with myself.
When did I become such an asshole
? I thought as Julie stopped crying and continued retelling the memory.

Why had I never thought about what Julie had been through?
Cause you’re such a fucking selfish asshole, that’s why, you fucking asshole
, I berated myself in my head.

Julie’s voice broke through my thoughts and I paid attention to her again, “I always thought, at least it’s not Ron, at least….”

“Who is Ron,” the counselor asked suddenly, pulling Julie out of her memory.

“No one,” she said blankly, “just some other asshole,” she lied. Julie could conceal the truth too well, but I could always tell when she outright lied.

That’s when the light bulb went off in my head.

Why had I never asked Julie why she ran away from home?

I had been so focused on Julie trading sex for drugs and rent that I never once thought about how she got there. I’d heard the name Ron. She only mentioned her stepfather once or twice, and when she did, Julie always had such disdain in her voice. 
Why had I never pressed the issue? Cause I’m a fucking moronic asshole prick.

The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Why had she never told me the truth? Even after everything with Claire? 

I thought back to when I told her about Clare.
Julie didn’t flinch, she comforted me, wanted nothing in return.
 

I didn’t know if this made me angry or sad or more in love with her. I guessed it was all three. 
She could have told me, asking for the same comfort from me, but she didn’t.
 And I never pushed.

“When did I become such a selfish prick?” I muttered to myself, hating myself.