Void (25 page)

Straightening my shoulders, I took one last look at myself before I turned to walk down the hall and out of the apartment before I even allowed him the opportunity to invade my psyche. I had a woman to pick up for our date. A beautiful, sexy, intriguing woman, who after tonight, would belong to me.

Dear Journal,

Andris suggested that I write down anything that I feel so that I can start recognizing those feelings and then maybe be able to better understand them. It is strange that in just a few short weeks, I went from being this vacant hole, to someone who experiences a thousand new and different emotions all at once. Not only is it thrilling, exhilarating, and exciting, it also makes me feel apprehensive, scared shitless, and overwhelmed.

I admit it seemed rather stupid at that moment when he gave me this to write in, but the more I thought about it, and even more now that I’ve put pen to paper, I have to admit that it was a good idea.

There are so many things I want to say to Andris that I am unable to. He told me I didn’t have to let him read what I have written in here, but that he would discuss them with me if I wanted him to.

I am more than excited for tonight. To have a chance at a real relationship, with real feelings is the part that excites me the most. Each new moment I spend with Andris awakens more and more emotions within me that I never imagined would ever be possible.

It isn’t that I never wanted to have emotions. I tried. Desperately. I begged my mind to let go of whatever shield it was holding up that prevented me from being normal. I watch my friends in school experience things and feel different feelings that felt unreachable to me. I always wondered why I was born with the inability to feel. I knew my mother didn’t have a drug problem, so I couldn’t blame it on her. I always thought it was due to the lack of emotions they seemed to show to me. I blamed it on my lackluster childhood, the sense of abandonment that I had only read about in my psychology textbooks. I took classes in high school, trying to better understand the things that were happening, or rather weren’t, happening to me. I got to live life everyday bare and expressionless, completely empty. I was seen as weird, or unsociable. A real sociopath. People thought I was crazy or that something was wrong with me. Not only was I looked down upon by my peers, but by my own parents, even the doctors who tried to “fix” me.

Andris is the only person who has looked at me like a real person. He doesn’t make me feel stupid, or suggest that I am holding back. It is almost as if he can see through me—to the real me. The little girl who has been screaming on the inside to break through the shell that I’ve lived in. To the woman inside of me who wanted a normal life, a normal way of feeling.

He is the only person who has ever ignited a spark within my soul, the only person to ever make me feel the flames of desire. I get warm from one look, I grow like a fiery inferno from his touch. My body and mind buzz to the point that I succumb to sensations. My mind gets to wonder and think for itself instead of having to try and analyze every detail that unfolds before me.

He has become a craving, a need so powerful that I no longer have control when he is near me. I welcome it. I want to submit to the feelings over and over as they overwhelm me. They drive me to the point that I could spontaneously combust, and fail to exist in my past anymore and only be enclosed in the present and the future. My body and mind feel as if they have awoken from a long eternal slumber. I feel resurrected from death and brought into a new light.

Andris is my light. Link is the flame behind the light.

Link.

How can my feelings for someone I have never truly seen be so powerful? I’ve never had the pleasure of looking into his eyes, but I’ve had the pleasure of the glorious feel of his hands on my body. I’ve felt the enormity of his presence and how he has the power to obliterate any rational thought to the point I am left with nothing but ecstasy.

But with the pleasure also comes something that I’ve rarely gotten to feel, but now experience it tenfold.

Pain.

Several different types. Not only do I feel torn between two men who make me come to life in many different ways, I am now also in the predicament that I have to protect both of them. If I were to lose either of them, I don’t know what I would do. How is it that I have come to the point in my life where two people are completely detrimental to my survival?

My thoughts wanted to continue to flow on the pages of the leather bound journal, only a knock at my door broke me from my written confessions. With a trembling hand I placed the pen down on my desk and closed the journal and slid the strap into place to lock it.
I felt the need to perform the ritual as if it would seal my thoughts inside the bindings. I could never share with neither Andris nor Link the information I had written on the pages. If they knew what I had agreed to do in order to protect both of them, they would never want anything to do with me again.

Being a whore had never bothered me before. Being a slut used only to pleasure men and for my own monetary gain never crossed my mind as being wrong or dirty. Now that I had two wonderful men in my life that I felt extreme feelings for, it did bother me. It made me feel disgusting for all the times I nonchalantly let a man inside of me. It made me feel weak for letting a man, who could have been married and even had a family waiting for him at home, penetrate my own body. For years they invaded my body unharmed, but now that I had Andris and Link, all of those men in the past began to penetrate more than my body. They are now ghosts of my past actions and mistakes that threatened to invade my thoughts. I’d never let them in before. Never allowed anyone in, but now that the shield was down, the army of my sins began to triumphantly march inward to where I was sickened with agony over my actions.

Another knock sounded at the door and I opened the drawer to place the journal inside and stood up, smoothing the imaginary wrinkles on the front of my red Valentino cocktail dress. My body trembled with excitement, but it also shook with anxiety. I had never been nervous for a session before, but this was no ordinary session. This was a date. My first real one in my life. I chuckled slightly, thinking about the fact that I was in my mid-twenties and just now experiencing the things that most normal girls did in their teens.

I looked in the mirror, adjusting the spirals of curls that cascaded over my shoulders and checked my makeup in my reflection to ensure that it was perfect. Taking a deep breath, I let it out before I left the comfort of my room and made my way down the hall to my condo’s front door. With a trembling hand, I reached for the knob and opened it completely unprepared for what was waiting for me on the other side.

I felt sucker punched in the gut at the sight of him as if all the air had left my body. My eyes roamed over him clad in a light grey suit that accentuated the muscular build of his body. His tie matched the same blue of his eyes, making them stand out even more. His normally messy, yet sophisticated hair was now controlled and styled so that it left more of his gorgeous face open for my viewing pleasure. His smile was devastating, to the point that if I didn’t breathe soon, I would very possibly pass out before him from lack of oxygen.

“Hi,” I forced out when I was finally able to find my breath once again.

“Hi,” he replied with confidence as he too used his eyes to make love to my body without so much as a single touch. We stood there, assessing each other’s appearance as if looking at the beauty of one another for the first time. I guess you could say that we were looking at one another in a new light. We were taking our relationship beyond the contract, beyond the professionalism of him being my doctor and pushing it into a one way freight train heading for something unknown.

He took a step towards me, but I didn’t move as I felt the warmth from him even from several inches away. His scent invaded my nose, threatening to turn my brain into mush to the point I couldn’t form a coherent thought. In the next instant, my back was against my door, his hot lips on mine and my leg hiked up to encircle his waist. His hands sought past the fabric of my dress as he pushed higher and higher up my thigh, nearly leaving my ass exposed to the occupants of my condo’s building.

I didn’t care. All I could concentrate on was the expert way he explored my mouth. The way he kissed me as our tongues danced together, and the way I felt like he was absorbing into me. I felt my nipples pucker beneath the fabric of my dress and my toes curl as he squeezed the flesh of my ass. I felt weightless, as if floating from the earth, as his other hand came up to cup the back of my head as he tried to deepen the kiss. When he finally released my lips from his, I felt the painful absence.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about doing that the second you walked from my office earlier today.”

I smiled from his confession, having had the same thoughts throughout the afternoon.

“Well, who am I to stop you, Doctor?” I smiled, meeting his equally sparkling eyes that matched the same desire of my own.

“If I don’t stop, then we will never leave your condo. Besides, I think your neighbor behind us was enjoying the show.”

I looked over his shoulder to find old man Winters staring at us with wide eyes. I leaned in and placed my forehead on Andris’s shoulder, unable to control the giggles I was trying so hard to suppress. The old man stared at us only seconds longer, before I heard the sound of his condo door shutting and Andris and I both laughed. His warm hand cupped my chin and lifted my face to where our eyes met. Even through our fit of laughter at being caught making out like a couple of hormonal teenagers, I could still see the fiery desire in his eyes. They danced with luminosity as he stared directly into mine, silently letting me know what was to come later in the evening without a single word passing his lips.

“Are you ready to go?” He asked, leaning in and brushing his lips across the shell of my ear. The act made my body shiver with a glorious delight. Even if I didn’t feel the wetness already pooling between my thighs, other parts of my body would have been a dead giveaway about the readiness that I possessed.

“Sure. Let me lock up and grab my purse.”

I turned off all the lights and grabbed my coat and purse before locking the door to my condo. I turned back around and found the heat of Andris’s stare upon me, lighting me up from the inside out. I felt addicted to the force of his gaze, like it was the greatest high I had ever been on. His beauty hit me like a freight train every time I had the pleasure to just look at him.

He crooked his arm and I slipped mine into his as we set off down the hallway towards the elevator. I was instantly brought back to the first night that he led me to the place where I fulfilled the duties of my contract with him and Link, only this time it was different. Whereas before I wore a blindfold, I could now clearly see where we were going. Yet, I still didn’t know where we were going, just like before, both physically speaking and relationship wise.

We were assaulted by the cold air as we stepped outside my condo’s building. Waiting at the curb was a very masculine looking supped up pick-up that had wheels that looked like they were my height. It was sleek, yet sexy. Mysterious, yet powerful looking. I arched my eyebrows in Andris’s direction as I looked from him then back to the monstrosity of metal in front of us.

“It’s a four wheel drive. The forecast has called for heavy snow tonight so I wanted to be sure I could get you home safely.”

“Oh,” was all I could reply. I couldn’t help the small sense of defeat I felt at the prospect of him wanting to bring me back home. The silly, inner-girl within me had hoped that he would invite me to stay over. Isn’t that what people in a relationship did? Maybe I was thinking too far ahead, not knowing yet where the diameters of our arrangement stood.