Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (10 page)

CAN YOU BREAST-FEED WITH FAKE BOOBS?

In 2004, approximately 334,000 breast augmentations were performed, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS). The largest percentage of breast augmentation surgeries occur in women between the ages of nineteen and thirty-four. That’s a whole lotta fake boobies!! (Read in an Adam Sandler voice.)

We have frequently been asked: Can you breast-feed after a boob job? Despite the large number of these surgeries, few medical studies have researched this issue. The only available studies clearly indicate a greater incidence of insufficient lactation among augmented women compared with nonaugmented women. The type of surgical approach is especially important in determining whether breast-feeding may be a problem. In most breast augmentations, one of three types of incisions is made: an incision underneath the breast, an incision around the lower edge of the nipple (areola), or an incision within the armpit. The third type of incision is significantly associated with lactation insufficiency. Surgical technique is also key, as the ability to breast-feed may be impaired when too many milk ducts are severed.

3:50
P.M
.

Gberg:
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I spoke to Penny yesterday and warned her that now she is vulnerable to our IM insults in the book.

Leyner:
Penny—she doesn’t deserve our bilious insults like Carrie does.

Gberg:
She said her husband wondered if any diseases could swim upstream while peeing in a public urinal.

Leyner:
WHAT?

Gberg:
Like salmon going to lay their eggs?

Gberg:
Did I say public rinal? Is there another kind?

Leyner:
Of course…private urinals.

Gberg:
You need a membership card.

Leyner:
Isn’t that a Tina Turner song? “Private Urinal”?

Gberg:
Yes, please serenade me!

Leyner:
Saving Private Urinal…Spielberg’s attempt at depicting the homoerotic splendors of the Port Authority men’s room…

Leyner:
Ahead of its time…

Gberg:
A classic.

Gberg:
I also wondered why they called those things urinal cakes.

3:55
P.M
.

Gberg:
Not much like dessert.

Leyner:
I thought they were like those little British tea sandwiches.

Gberg:
Cucumber sandwiches and urinal cakes. Doesn’t get classier than that.

Gberg:
That’s klassy with a k.

Leyner:
That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!!! Lord Nelson would be proud of YOU right now. Grog, a urinal cake, and a cat-o’-nine-tails…You got an afternoon’s delight right there, sailor.

Gberg:
Skyrockets in flight.

Leyner:
Remember that scene in that Will Ferrell
Anchorman
movie where they sing that in the office?

Leyner:
Brilliant.

Gberg:
You were supposed to respond…“Afternoon Delight.”

Leyner:
I’m singing it.

Leyner:
You just can’t “hear” me because we’re IMing.

Gberg:
Yes. I still love when he’s so thirsty and drinks the milk.

Gberg:
Milk was a bad choice!

Leyner:
It’s one of those philosophical conundrums akin to the unheard tree falling in the woods.

Leyner:
Do you ever drink milk?

Gberg:
Only when I want a lot of mucus!

Leyner:
I want a lot of mucus!!!

4:00
P.M
.

Leyner:
I’m very acquisitive.

Gberg:
Actually that’s not true. We are going to answer that question in the book.

Leyner:
I want a lot of money and A LOT OF MUCUS.

Leyner:
Milk doesn’t give me mucus…if you need definitive empirical data on the subject.

Leyner:
Milk gives me a great sense of blithe optimism. So does Vicodin, come to think of it.

Leyner:
Carrie gives me a lot of mucus.

Gberg:
Gives me a sense of Blythe Danner.

Leyner:
Everytime I hear the name “Carrie” and the phrase “Where is the manuscript?” I
hawk up an enormous loogie.

Gberg:
I think our next project together should be a musical.

4:05
P.M
.

Leyner:
You know that French skank who fed her face to her own dog and then got a transplant. If ever there was an obvious case of Münchausen’s syndrome, that was it.

Leyner:
I’m making myself laugh a lot here, by the way.

Gberg:
Good, I’m glad you are entertaining yourself.

Gberg:
Hey, I am working on the pregnancy chapter. Did you ever read that breast-feeding and fake boobs article?

Leyner:
No, not yet…I’m sticking to my assigned purviews.

Leyner:
Tell me about it…

Gberg:
I was hoping you were going to add some great humor but thanks for nothing.

4:10
P.M
.

Leyner:
I can read it right now, if you want.

Leyner:
Give me ten minutes.

Gberg:
No, do your sections. I don’t want to distract a master at work.

Leyner:
And we’ll discuss…like Oprah’s Book Club.

Leyner:
Do you think…

Gberg:
I still can’t get over that Frey rolling over and playing dead.

Gberg:
He acted like Amber Frey.

Leyner:
Do you think that a mother who’s had breast augmentation has an ethical obligation to tell her pubescent daughter…so that the daughter can factor that into her expectation for how big her breasts might grow to be?

Leyner:
Frey’s an embarrassment to all liars everywhere.

Gberg:
He deserves a good flogging.

Leyner:
He’s a trembling craven weasel. He should have jumped Oprah on that show and kicked her ass…like a Jerry Springer show.

Gberg:
Or at least jumped on the couch like Tom Cruise.

Leyner:
If you ever catch me telling the truth in print…flog me and then throw me overboard with a fat nursing mother shackled to my ankle.

4:15
P.M
.

Leyner:
You didn’t answer my question about the mom with the boob job and the pubescent daughter.

Gberg:
I promise.

Leyner:
Plastic surgery makes it impossible for children to extrapolate what they’re going to look like.

Gberg:
Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the mom with the boob job, and the prepubescent daughter?

Gberg:
Doesn’t make sense to extrapolate anyway. Genetics is some crazy stuff.

Leyner:
You can’t just look at your own parents…you might have the boobs of your grandma…is that what you’re saying?

Gberg:
Ever see pictures of some models with their mothers and the mother looks like a carnival freak who just escaped from a trailer park?

Gberg:
Oh man, those steam pipes are banging again at my house. They are driving
me crazy.

Leyner:
You’re getting me all hot and bothered…I was picturing myself in a room at the Ritz Carleton in San Juan with a model and her carnival freak mother…

Leyner:
I’m slathering that Spanish caramel gook all over the trailer park mom.

Gberg:
We should go away somewhere to work on this beast of a book and put it to
rest.

Leyner:
What’s that stuff called…dulce something or other.

Gberg:
Dulce de leche.

4:20
P.M
.

Gberg:
Do you know how they make it?

Leyner:
Yes…dulce de leche is excellent slathered on the pale hairless bodies of carnival freaks.

Leyner:
How do they make it, Rachael?

Gberg:
You just take an unopened can of condensed milk and stick it in a pot of water for an hour.

Leyner:
And…

Gberg:
Tastes delicious with a fine decanted Propel.

Leyner:
Ummmmm…

Leyner:
What a great idea…a guide to Propel for the connosier…(how do you spell THAT?!)

Gberg:
Love that new mango Propel.

Leyner:
What flavors of Propel best complement various dishes?

Gberg:
Connoisseur.

Leyner:
E.g., grilled baby octopus…that would be kiwi-strawberry Propel.

Gberg:
We could write a Propel cookbook.

Gberg:
Grape Propel is the best substitute for pinot noir.

Leyner:
You don’t want something as robust as say, black cherry Propel…which I’d drink with short ribs or a pork belly sandwich.

4:25
P.M
.

Leyner:
Lemon for a cleansing enema.

Gberg:
Lemon goes well with swordfish with a papaya salsa.

Gberg:
Or an enema.

Leyner:
Swordfish with papaya salsa…OR an enema.

Leyner:
Rachael Ray…you’re in our way.

Gberg:
Propel and papaya salsa after a swordfish enema.

Leyner:
Do you know the story about the man who was sitting on a toilet in the Port Authority men’s room—and a swordfish who’d gotten lost somehow and had wandered from the Atlantic into the Hudson River and somehow errantly swam into the NYC sewer system—swam up the toilet and buried its sword into the anus hole of the hapless defecating man…remember that?

Gberg:
You are a troubled young man.

4:30
P.M
.

Leyner:
I’m somnambulant and pure energy and my business parts are as sweet as dulce de leche.

Leyner:
I’m an INCUBUS.

Gberg:
What is an incubus?

Leyner:
A spirit that has sexual intercourse with women while they are sleeping.

Gberg:
Well, that you are.

Leyner:
Thank you.

Gberg:
All right, I have to get back to answering some of these darn questions.

Leyner:
OK. It was nice chatting with you. You are charming and erudite.

Gberg:
You are erudite and charming.

Leyner:
You know what the female version of an incubus is?

Gberg:
A succubus.

Leyner:
Bingo.

Gberg:
Take that, Alex Trebek.

Leyner:
Bye. Have a nice life.

Leyner:
I mean it. I’m so outta here.

CAN YOU BREAST-FEED WITH NIPPLE PIERCING?

We have actually been asked if nipple piercing will result in a lawn-sprinkler effect when you lactate. There is no evidence to suggest that a woman’s pierced nipples will have any effect on her ability to breast-feed. That is, if there haven’t been any complications resulting from the procedure. Infection and scarring are frequent complications after nipple piercing.

It is hard to imagine a pierced mother not removing the nipple ring prior to breast-feeding, but alas, some insist on keeping themselves festooned despite recommendations to the contrary. In these cases, breast-feeding difficulties include poor latch, gagging, and milk leaking from the baby’s mouth. But if you insist on wearing your jewelry, make sure that it is firmly attached, since you definitely don’t want the baby to swallow it and choke!

DO YOUR FEET REALLY GROW WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT?

There is a whole lot of growing going on in pregnancy. Most growth is done by the little baby inside, but some of the growth is passed on to Mom. The belly and the boobs are the most obvious, but the extra weight caused in pregnancy also increases pressure on a pregnant woman’s feet.

Hormonal changes are also occurring that relax the ligaments in the body to prepare for delivery. The specifics of these hormonal changes are not fully understood, but one hormone, relaxin, is thought to contribute to the loosening of ligaments in the pelvis and elsewhere.

The work of gravity and relaxin cause the arch of the foot to lose its strength and the tissue on the bottom of the foot, the plantar fascia, to stretch. All of this makes the foot grow wider and flatter during pregnancy. The feet can even grow by more than one shoe size.

After delivery, the body begins to return to normal and many of these changes reverse themselves. If the changes were extreme during pregnancy and the ligaments were significantly stretched, the increased shoe size could be permanent.