Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (6 page)

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU SHOULD EAT A LOT OF CARBOHYDRATES THE NIGHT BEFORE A MARATHON?

If you plan to run the New York City Marathon this year, you should reserve your Saturday night for the annual marathon eve dinner at Tavern on the Green. You can be sure that it will be a carbohydrate-heavy meal since its sponsor is a pasta company. Most marathons have similar meals, but these pre-event meals may not be entirely beneficial.

The old theory behind the big spaghetti meal was that carbohydrate loading could increase the glycogen in the muscles. Glycogen is stored carbohydrate in muscle and it serves as the body’s reserve energy source. Fatigue during endurance activities is partially due to a depletion of muscle glycogen stores.

More recently, last-minute carbohydrate loading has been avoided by most serious marathoners. Experts believe that you should eat a normal diet with about 65 percent carbohydrates the week before the marathon. It is important not to increase your total calories.

If you eat a balanced meal the week before the marathon, you should have already loaded your body with glycogen, so there is no need to carry the extra weight from the big pasta meal. Also, it can be difficult to find a nice bathroom for a sit-down in New York City, and with a belly full of spaghetti bolognese you may need one somewhere around mile 17.

WILL EATING EXTRA PROTEIN HELP BUILD MUSCLE MASS?

If you have ever spent any time in Venice, California, or in Leyner’s kitchen, you might have seen someone gorging himself on obscene amounts of egg whites prior to a workout.

Protein is a very important component of the diet, especially for athletes, but the amount of protein needed is often grossly overestimated. Eating tons of extra protein doesn’t actually do much toward boosting your muscle mass and strength.

If your description of exercise is flipping channels with the remote and occasionally getting up to pee, then your protein needs are about 0.8 grams per kilogram of body weight. For a marathoner that number increases to 1.2 to 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram body weight. If bodybuilding is your gig, you may need up to 1.8 to 2.0 grams per kilogram of body weight. The timing of protein intake is also important. If you eat your egg whites with some carbohydrates within an hour after exercise, this combo stimulates the release of insulin and growth hormone. This leads to the growth of muscle.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU?

What happens? It’s obvious. You gasp for air, feel like puking, whimper like a baby, and cry out for your mommy. The better question is why?

The answer…is that it’s all about the diaphragm.

A blow to the gut, between the belly button and the heart, can cause a temporary paralysis of the diaphragm. This happens because this punch affects an area called the solar plexus, a dense cluster of nerve cells located behind the stomach just below the diaphragm. It is also known as the celiac plexus. When the diaphragm becomes paralyzed, you can’t take in any air, hence the goldfish-flopping-on the-kitchen-table feeling.

DOES PEEING IN THE SHOWER CURE ATHLETE’S FOOT?

Now wouldn’t this be great! Finally, an excuse to pee in the shower.

Proponents of urine therapy claim that it is very effective at eradicating athlete’s foot. (Remember, some of these same people also suggest that drinking urine is good.) They may have a point, at least with the peeing on your foot. Urea, a major component of urine, is used in a cream to aid in the treatment of severe athlete’s foot. Studies have shown that 40 percent urea cream increases the cure rate in athlete’s foot when used with traditional antifungal creams. The urea cream doesn’t exactly cure athlete’s foot itself, it mostly serves to prepare and soften the tissue so that the antifungals can do their work.

So if you have a bad case of athlete’s foot and insist on peeing on your feet, don’t forget the fungal cream. Otherwise, all that shower peeing will be in vain.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SWEAT EXCESSIVELY?

In doctor-speak, sweating is referred to as diaphoresis. Excessive sweating is called hyperhidrosis. When excessive sweating occurs in isolation with no apparent cause it is called primary or essential hyperhidrosis. It is important to distinguish this condition from secondary hyperhidrosis, which can be associated with a variety of different conditions. These include: tuberculosis, thyroid disease, tumors, reaction to medication, and menopause.

Primary hyperhidrosis can be focal (in one specific area) or generalized. The most common areas affected are the palms and soles. This is called palmar-plantar hyperhidrosis. You may also just get sweaty pits, axillary hyperhidrosis, or facial sweating, craniofacial hyperhidrosis. Sweating may even occur excessively after an emotional outburst or eating spicy food, called gustatory hyperhidrosis.

The cause of hyperhidrosis is unclear, though it is present in almost 3 percent of the general population. There are many different treatments available, from antiperspirants to surgery. Some medications can prevent the stimulation of sweat glands and Botox has also been used successfully.

CAN TOO MUCH TIME ON A BIKE LEAD TO ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?

Studies have clearly shown that spending too much time sitting on a bicycle seat can affect your “lift-off.” It’s true, bike riders who spend a long time in the saddle are at greater risk for erectile dysfunction.

The problem here is that when you sit on a bicycle seat, you put pressure on the perineum and on the nerves and blood vessels that are responsible for erectile function.

Anatomically, the perineum is the region between the genital area and the anus.

Some of you may know the perineum by these more exotic nicknames:

Taint

Choad

Gooch

Nifkin

Grundle

ABC (Ass-Ball Connection)

The Runway

The No-fly Zone

Compression in this area leads to a decrease in penile blood flow and reduced oxygen in the area. This leads to penile fibrosis, which causes difficulty in the achievement of an erection. Gentleman, choose your seat wisely. There is an increased prevalence of erectile dysfunction when using a narrow saddle.

IS IT GOOD OR BAD TO MASTURBATE/HAVE SEX THE NIGHT BEFORE A BIG GAME?

“The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It’s that they stay out all night looking for it.”
—Casey Stengel

This is definitely a topic that will capture an athlete’s interest. A debate revolves around the myth that abstinence can improve an athlete’s performance.

We know that testosterone levels fall temporarily after lovemaking. Testosterone allows humans to build muscle mass and strengthen performance, endurance, and physical ability. It also has been linked to aggression. Coaches who endorse a pre-event sexual abstinence policy believe that sexual frustration will increase aggression and that ejaculation of any kind will decrease testosterone.

Muhammad Ali was a strong proponent of the ejaculation embargo, and often went six weeks without any sexual satisfaction prior to a fight.

Ali was The Greatest, but he probably could have forgone the embargo, without losing a fight. Scientific studies have never found a connection between abstinence and increased performance, endurance, or strength.

Bottom line—you can shoot and still score! Or score and still shoot!

Famous miler Marty Liquori had his own theory: “Sex makes you happy, and happy people don’t run a 3:47 mile.”

Leyner:
Nipple Brother…

Leyner:
I need to check a call that just came in…

Leyner:
Just in case it’s Gaby’s school…

Gberg:
Fancy LA call about your script?

Leyner:
No…just want to make sure a first-aid kit hasn’t fallen on Gaby’s head…that once happened to her at school.

Gberg:
That sucks, to get wounded by the first-aid kit.

Leyner:
I’ll be right back.

Gberg:
I’ll be waiting.

Leyner:
OK.

Leyner:
I’m back.

Gberg:
And?

Gberg:
Is it safe?

Leyner:
Some telemarketer hawking a large-print scratch & sniff edition of
Why Do Men Have Nipples?

Gberg:
Perfect.

Leyner:
Perfect.

Leyner:
Let’s take a lunch break, homie…I’m so hungry.

2:20
P.M
.

Gberg:
Hey, I need something funny to add to Is it good or bad to masturbate/have sex the night before a big game? I found 2 great quotes from Casey Stengel and Marty Liquori.

Leyner:
Need a burger and some curly fries.

Gberg:
Also one from the
Rocky
movie where Mickey says “Women weaken legs.”

Leyner:
I’ll ponder it and come up with something, OK?

Gberg:
Yeah, and let me know how your questions are coming.

Gberg:
Go eat some meat.

Leyner:
I bet Jack Johnson didn’t adhere to that no women at training camp malarkey.

Gberg:
Which Jack Johnson?

Leyner:
The GREAT heavyweight champion!!

Gberg:
The singer?

Leyner:
NO!!!!!!!

Leyner:
The singer probably masturbates before, during, and after “big games.”

Gberg:
Don’t take such offense.

Leyner:
I’m talking about Jack Johnson.

Leyner:
OK…sorry…just a little
hypersensitve when I get hungry.

Gberg:
How dare I challenge your
masculinity. Maybe you do fall asleep after sex.

Gberg:
I fall asleep during.

2:25
P.M
.

Leyner:
I sleep with one eye open…

Gberg:
It’s the yakuza in you.

IS HEADING A SOCCER BALL DANGEROUS?

Some boxers are known to get a condition called dementia pugilistica from repeated punches to the head. This is also known as the punch-drunk syndrome or chronic traumatic encephalopathy, and it results from repeat concussions over many years. There is also some concern that heading a soccer ball could also cause brain injury.

Head injury can definitely occur in soccer, but these injuries usually result from head-to-head rather than ball-to-head contact. There have been several studies that searched for the presence of injuries in competitive soccer players, and none has found a connection between ball-heading and brain injury. It is thought that the acceleration of the head caused by heading a soccer ball is not great enough to cause a concussion. There have been some advocates of soccer players wearing soft helmets, but these have not been found to reduce the risk of serious injury.

WHY DOES THE DOCTOR SAY TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH WHEN CHECKING FOR A HERNIA?

First a little lesson about hernias. (Welcome to hernia school!)

The general definition of a hernia is the protrusion of an organ or other bodily structure through the wall that normally contains it. There are many different types of hernias in the body, the most common of which is an inguinal hernia. This type of hernia occurs in the groin. There is an area in the groin called the inguinal canal. (Yes, it sounds a little bit like a vacation spot near Niagara Falls.) The inguinal canals are natural passages or openings through the muscles of the abdominal wall. They form a pathway for the testicles to descend from the abdomen into the scrotum. (This is not “The Flight of the Bumblebees” or
The Return of the Mummy
…no, this is The Descent of the Gonads.) Each canal usually closes before or right after birth. If this opening doesn’t close, you may notice a lump in that region, or scrotal swelling. It could be your intestine that is poking through that hole. These hernias can either be congenital or acquired during adulthood. Inguinal hernias are more common in men than women.

Now, to the doctor…When the doctor is examining a patient for an inguinal hernia, he or she first tries to feel for the inguinal canal. For those of you who remember this part of the school sports physical, it’s when you experience the frigid hand of some semiretired old doctor grasping your crotch. Coughing increases the pressure inside the abdomen. If you have a hernia or a defect in the inguinal canal, the increased pressure can push your intestine through the small hole and the doctor would feel this.

As for the “turn your head” part…this simply prevents you from coughing in the doctor’s face.