Read Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? Online

Authors: Mark Leyner

Tags: #Fiction

Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (5 page)

BOOK: Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?
12.97Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU SHOULDN’T DRINK GRAPEFRUIT JUICE IF YOU ARE TAKING MEDICATION?

Grapefruit juice is one of those things that you either really love or really hate. Grapefruit has a distinctive and often bitter taste, but it really depends on what type you are eating or drinking as red are generally sweeter than white.

Grapefruit is historically a relatively young fruit. It was first discovered around 1750 in Barbados and was originally called “the forbidden fruit.” Since then, it has become ubiquitous. In the 1970s grapefruit was quite the rage with a popular grapefruit diet and many homes boasting a variety of grapefruit knives, spoons, and bowls.

But if you are a grapefruit hater, you may have good reason to avoid it.

Interactions between grapefruit juice and medications have been recognized since about 1989, when they were discovered accidentally during an unrelated experiment.

Now for the simplified science. The chemicals in grapefruit juice inhibit an enzyme system found in the intestine that breaks down some drugs before they are absorbed into the bloodstream. If combined with grapefruit juice, these drugs pass through untouched, allowing a higher amount to reach the bloodstream. This leads to higher levels of the drug in the blood and higher levels may cause significant side effects. But all drugs are broken down by the enzyme system that grapefruit juice blocks. Common drugs that are affected by grapefruit juice include the blood thinner Coumadin, some blood pressure lowering pills, seizure medications, cholesterol lowering drugs, and Viagra. If you are taking any prescription drugs, just ask your doctor or pharmacist and they can check for interactions.

ARE BLUEBERRIES GOOD FOR YOUR MEMORY?

I, Billy, often tell a story about one of the nurses from the ER where I work who said that she was trying to take ginkgo biloba to improve her memory. She told me that the only problem was that she kept forgetting to take it.

Everyone is searching for the perfect memory enhancer. The list of foods that are mentioned as memory helpers is a long one, including broccoli, carrots, onions, tomatoes, apples, pomegranates, soybeans, oysters, turkey, salmon, tuna, peanuts, almonds, and, yes, blueberries.

When it comes to fruit and vegetables, blueberries have some real potential. Blueberries are one of the richest sources of antioxidants. The specific compounds they contain are called anthocyanins. If you are an aficionado of antioxidant literature, you may also know that anthocyanins are a class of polyphenolic flavonoids. (If you read
People
magazine, you only know that Jennifer Flavin is the wife of Sylvester Stallone.) The antioxidants in blueberries have been shown to be present in the brains of long-lived rats, and although there isn’t a great deal of research on the long-term antiaging benefits, recent studies have shown blueberries to protect against or reverse some age-related memory loss.

In contrast, here are some things better off forgotten:

The time your grandma kissed you on the mouth

Howard Dean’s bellowing post-primary speech

The Steven Seagal solo album (yes, the martial arts guy),
Songs from the Crystal Cave

The time you fumbled hopelessly trying to unhook your first bra

The federal government’s response to Hurricane Katrina

IS GREEN TEA REALLY GOOD FOR YOU?

This was a question that I really wanted to answer. I love a good sushi meal followed by a nice cup of green tea. What could be better than to find out that I aid my health with my own gluttony. So I searched for green tea in the medical database and hospital library and found 231 articles in the past year and a half. After leafing through reams of research, these were some of my favorite answers:

Catechin, an ingredient of green tea, protects murine microglia from oxidative stress-induced DNA damage and cell cycle arrest.

Green tea extract and epigallocatechin-3-gallate, the major tea catechin, exert oxidants but lack antioxidant activities.

Hepatoprotective effect of green tea (
Camellia sinensis
) extract against tamoxifen-induced liver injury in rats.

Protective effect of green tea polyphenols on the SH-SY5Y cells against 6-OHDA induced apoptosis through ROS-NO pathway.

And:

Paris Hilton Thinks Green Tea is “Hot!”

Confused? The bottom line is that there are many claims that green tea consumption can reduce cancer risk, but the evidence is not abundantly clear. There is, though, more substantive evidence that it can help lower cholesterol. So we can safely say that green tea is certainly better for you than green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.

CAN YOU DRINK A GALLON OF MILK IN AN HOUR?

On call-in radio shows, we are frequently asked whether it is possible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Billy insists that is not part of the medical school curriculum and that he has never treated anyone in the ER for milk guzzling complications.

There is no doubt that drinking so much milk would be difficult but there is no medical reason why it would be impossible. Have you ever seen those eating contests where 132-pound Japanese superstar Takeru Kobayashi eats 53½ Nathan’s Famous hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes?

One warning, though…If you are a batboy, you may want to avoid attempting to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny offered a Florida Marlins batboy $500 if he could drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing up. The unidentified batboy not only failed in the attempt, but was suspended for six games.

In the
Miami Herald,
Penny summed it up perfectly: “It’s kind of ridiculous that you get a ten-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk.”

CHAPTER 3

THE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS AND EXERCISE

I had
reservations about hiring Wendy Thurston after her shoplifting charges were dropped but Leyner insisted that we give her a second chance. What we didn’t know was that she also had a restraining order placed against her by the entire NY Rangers hockey team. We found this out when third line center Stanislav Javenuski arrived for his sports psychology session. Leyner and I were sitting in the office reviewing our notes when we heard a ruckus and moaning emanating from the waiting room. To our surprise when we opened the door, Wendy had Javenuski’s dress-shirt yanked over his head and she was pummeling the hapless goon with punch after punch, screaming, “You wanna go? You wanna go????!!!!!!!!!” Keep in mind that the bald-headed, toothless Javenuski is considered one of the NHL’s most feared enforcers. Leyner and I pulled Wendy off the bloodied Pole and escorted him into the office while Wendy shouted, “That’s right, sissy boy, into the penalty box you go!”

Javenuski had sought our guidance to overcome his overwhelming tendency to weep after a lost face-off. Hypnosis, biofeedback, and behavioral modification had all failed him and, tragically, Leyner was his last resort. I began to speak to Javenuski about other athletes who’d surmounted similar difficulties, like Chuck Knoblauch who was unable to toss the ball to first base on routine fielding plays, Junior Totimofu, the Samoan running back, who refused to cross the 7-yard line because of the death of his Gila monster Snowball at the age of seven, and various other players who were unable to fulfill the most basic athletic tasks despite being paid zillions of dollars a year to do just that. Leyner interrupted and handed Javenuski a pamphlet entitled “You and Your Frontal Lobotomy.”

Javenuski seemed puzzled. I shared his confusion.

Leyner stood up, grabbed Javenuski by the collar, and started buffing his forehead with a chamois that he pulled from his bag. I saw the quizzical look in our patient’s eyes but tried to calm him and said, “Just be patient,” as I glared at Leyner.

“Go with it, pay attention to what you are feeling,” I added.

“Wax on, wax off,” Leyner remarked enigmatically. “Never forget the teachings of Mr. Miyagi.”

At that, our toothless warrior jumped to his feet and in a strong Polish accent said, “I pay 500 dollars for you spit shine my head!”

An indignant Leyner brandished a letter opener and held it menacingly to the Pole’s gleaming pate. “It’s all in the frontal lobes. All the emotions. I can cure your problem right here, right now, with one sharp jab of this baby right up through your sinuses. Or—as Chrissie Hynde is fond of saying—you can stop all your sobbing, and we can spend the $500 you owe us on beer and kielbasa around the corner. Your call, big guy.”

I gave Javenuski a sympathetic look and he shrugged.

At that, Leyner pulled another letter opener out and slapped it in Javenuski’s palm.

“Now we’re going to have a face-off!”

I was prepared for the worst, but to my surprise Javenuski started laughing hysterically, bear-hugged Leyner, and the two of them scurried off to share a sausage.

DOES THAT BLACK STUFF ATHLETES WEAR UNDER THEIR EYES REALLY STOP SUN GLARE?

There’s nothing like that macho ritual of football players and baseball players smearing grease under their eyes like tribal warriors preparing for battle. It just gets the competitive juices flowing.

Who knew that the stuff actually worked? Straight from the
Archives of Ophthalmology
in July 2003, Drs. Pahk and DeBroff found that the black grease used under athletes’ eyes does indeed reduce glare and improve contrast sensitivity in conditions of sunlight exposure. Here’s how: normally when sun shines on a person’s face, the light reflects off the cheeks and straight into the eyes. The dark eye paint worn by athletes absorbs sunlight, and thus less light is reflected into the player’s eyes.

Bright red lipstick, however, has no proven benefit in improving athletic performance. So if your favorite macho athlete starts wearing that, it’s okay to wonder.

DO THOSE NOSE STRIPS REALLY WORK?

Have you seen these nose strips or shall we say adhesive external nasal dilator strips? They have been around since the late 1990s and their use has become widespread in sports. The strips stick to the outside of the nose and plastic springs in the tape spread out the nostrils. The manufacturers claim that they can give you a competitive edge by opening the nasal passages, mechanically lowering nasal airflow resistance and therefore improving performance by increasing the amount of oxygen delivered to muscle. Sounds easy.

Unfortunately, scientific studies have failed to show any significant improvement in the amount of oxygen you receive, your endurance, recovery or overall performance.

Some studies have also been done in racehorses and here there appears to be some proof that they work better in horses. There is a debate.

These strips were originally approved for the temporary relief of breathing difficulties due to deviated nasal septum. They do seem to work for some snorers. This has been confirmed during sleep testing and measured by a respiratory disturbance index (RDI).

So, if you are a big snorer, a racehorse, or you just don’t care what the scientific evidence proves, go ahead and tape up your nose.

DOES GATORADE WORK BETTER TO QUENCH THIRST?

We shamelessly promoted Propel Fitness Water in our last book and hope that this won’t compromise the integrity of our answer here since Gatorade makes Propel. Writing a book can be exhausting, and we hydrate with Propel, not because of any science, but because it tastes sweet like candy and we love it!

In order to get a more objective answer, we consulted one of Billy’s colleagues who just completed her fellowship in sports medicine. She confirmed that there is some evidence that Gatorade and other sports drinks do offer some benefit for extra-thirsty folks.

These beverages don’t necessarily hydrate better than water, but you are more likely to drink larger volumes (because they taste better than old, boring H
2
O), which leads to better hydration.

1:34
P.M
.

Gberg:
Leyner!

1:35
P.M
.

Gberg:
What’s happenin’?

Leyner:
I’m dysthymic and dysphoric and horny and HUNGRY.

Gberg:
2 Ds and 2 Hs. Good.

Leyner:
You know if you’re a Hell’s Angel or Mongol (a large Latin biker gang)…you get a merit badge for performing certain unspeakable sexual acts…

Leyner:
How come they don’t award badges like that in the Boy Scouts?

Gberg:
Must you be so vulgar?

Leyner:
I’m going to go get some more coffee and snort another line of freeze-dried desiccated aardwolf gland…be right back.

Gberg:
I will be waiting.

Leyner:
Be right back, Bunny.

Gberg:
Don’t bunny me.

Leyner:
Why? I don’t mind when people call me “Misty.”

Leyner:
Hey…y’ever treat someone who’d been “peppered” with bird shot?

Gberg:
That is really the best story ever!

Leyner:
Waiters should stroll by your table and offer freshly ground bird shot for your
fettuccine.

Gberg:
I can’t wait to see how Jon Stewart mocks Cheney tonight.

Leyner:
Imagine…we have a vice
president who shoots his own friends in the face…HUNTING. It’s like Elmer Fudd!!

Gberg:
Guns don’t kill people…Big fat lying neocon scumbags kill people.

1:45
P.M
.

Leyner:
That’s great!!! Let’s make T-shirts. We’ll sell them at the Nipples Brothers conventions in the future…I sort of imagine us like William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy when we’re old…attending Nipples
conventions…people will dress as us…

Gberg:
What are you working on now?

Gberg:
We really need a TV show. Not that anyone would watch, but we would have a great time.

Leyner:
What am I working on?????

Leyner:
The onerous, cash-grab of a sequel…what do you think I’m “working” on?

Gberg:
I have to keep track of your progress. The book is due in 3 weeks. I don’t want you spending another 6 hours researching anal sacs of muskrats.

Gberg:
And aardwolves.

Leyner:
Did you know that even motile single-cell organisms release pheromones to attract other organisms?

Gberg:
Did you know that temporary genital numbness is a common side effect of long-
distance cycling?

1:50
P.M
.

Gberg:
Temporary Genital Numbness is a good name for a band.

Leyner:
So…in a sense…not to get too metaphysical on you…we are ALL evolved from single-cell anal sacs!! And you talk about INTELLIGENT DESIGN!!

Leyner:
Maybe that’s why Sheryl Crowe ditched Lance.

Gberg:
Ouch.

Leyner:
Maybe he was too numb.

Leyner:
Genital numbness is not a problem I’ve experienced.

Gberg:
Temporary, my friend. I am sure his perineal sensation is outstanding. I refuse to mock Lance.

Leyner:
They’d have to shoot my johnson full of lidocaine with a vet’s syringe to
numb that bad boy.

Gberg:
Here is another great study—nocturnal penile tumescence and rigidity testing in bicycling patrol officers.

Leyner:
Nor, by the way…do I “fall asleep after sex.”

Leyner:
THAT’s fantastic!!!!!

Leyner:
Sounds like some Benny Hill skit!!!

Gberg:
If it isn’t embarrassing enough to be a bicycle cop.

Leyner:
It’s better than being a tricycle cop…THAT’s the worst!!

Gberg:
This article is great. They monitored the tricycle cops during a sleep session with something called the RigiScan Plus Rigidity Assessment System.

1:55
P.M
.

Leyner:
Sounds like those vocational tests they used to give us in school to see if we were oriented toward any one profession.

Gberg:
I can’t believe some of these studies. They are almost as wild as your fiction.

Leyner:
Do they hook them up to something?

Gberg:
What career did they suggest for you?

Leyner:
We should volunteer…make some extra cash.

Gberg:
You could be a RigiScan technician.

Leyner:
I always scored very high for forensic entomologist.

Leyner:
Always had a soft spot in my heart for putrescence and maggots.

Gberg:
I am getting a little teary here.

Leyner:
I LOVE Brian Piccolo.

Leyner:
Sorry…shouldn’t have said that.

Leyner:
So many sexual things occur in men when they are unconscious…it really says something about us.

Gberg:
What does
Brian’s Song
have to do with sex, you psychopath!

Leyner:
Wet dreams, nocturnal tumescence, morning erections…it’s like preying mantises…the males keep copulating even after they’re decapitated by their lovers.

2:00
P.M
.

Gberg:
I love the word “tumescence.”

Gberg:
Senescence also is a good one.

Leyner:
I guess the RigiScan made me think of Plato’s idealized love between men…and then I OBVIOUSLY flashed on
Brian’s Song.

Gberg:
I am waiting for some
Brokeback
joke.

Leyner:
I prefer the word “TURGID.” It evokes the sort of erection one might get listening to Led Zeppelin…

Gberg:
I need to get a Valentine’s gift for Jessica. I hate that Hallmark holiday.

Leyner:
Get her Led Zep’s
How the West Was Won.

Leyner:
Jimmy Page is my idol.

Gberg:
Maybe she is going to get me a RigiScan Plus Rigidity Assessment System.

Leyner:
(And Robespierre, of course.)

Gberg:
Do you watch
American Idol
?

Leyner:
That would be a sweet gift…fer sure.

Gberg:
Imagine Jimmy Page on
American Idol.

Gberg:
Singing a duet with Clay Aiken.

Leyner:
No…just
Project Runway
…that show with Clinton and what’s her face where they throw people’s wardrobes in the gar bage…and all
Law & Order
permutations.

2:05
P.M
.

Gberg:
How was your yakuza DVD that you bought the other day?

Leyner:
Original Recipe
Law & Order, Criminal Intent
(with the venerable Vincent Dinophrio…Dinofrio…Dino di di Lourdes…whatever…AND…SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT…which is reserved for the most HEINOUS crimes).

Leyner:
Yakuza in Love?

Leyner:
Excellent…maybe you should get that for Jessica for Valentine’s Day!

Gberg:
That or a bath pillow.

Leyner:
I bet I could pull a perfect 10 on the RigiScan…thrown down a sick run on that RigiScan, dude.

Gberg:
When the Leyner carnival comes to town, there is always a long line at the RigiScan.

Leyner:
Nothing says I love you like a Mrs. Paul’s frozen kidney pie and a chilled mango-calcium Propel.

Gberg:
Love that new flavor.

Leyner:
If you’re having a romantic dinner at home of course…at Chez Goldberg.

Leyner:
They didn’t send me any of the calcium drinks…

Gberg:
I think I should e-mail the Propel folks before I answer the Gatorade and thirst question to get a quote.

Gberg:
Or we can just regurgitate whatever they want us to say if it gets us more free stuff.

2:10
P.M
.

Leyner:
They sent me the poppy-flavored Propel with extra protein.

Gberg:
I want to decorate my white coat at the hospital with Propel ads. Like a Nascar driver’s jumpsuit.

Gberg:
And get sprayed with the stuff when I make a good diagnosis.

Leyner:
That’s a cool idea…doctors doing product placement!

Gberg:
Don’t think those bottom-feeding drug company whores wouldn’t try it.

Leyner:
Y’all already walk around with your Viagra notepads and Lunesta panties?

Leyner:
Isn’t it interesting that the two most highly advertised drugs seem to be for getting erections AND falling asleep?????

Leyner:
Talk about nocturnal tumescence.

Gberg:
Right back to the RigiScan.

Leyner:
A nice Viagra/Ambien cocktail…and BANG…instant nocturnal turgidity.

Gberg:
I won’t even use their stinkin’ pens.

Gberg:
I am a revolutionary. Like Che.

Gberg:
And then postcoital blindness.

Leyner:
Venceremos or however you spell that.

Leyner:
I think that’s right!

Gberg:
Yeah, preach Brother Leyner, preach.

BOOK: Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?
12.97Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Poacher Peril by J. Burchett
Bathsheba by Jill Eileen Smith
Eve's Men by Newton Thornburg
Three Women by March Hastings
Nano Z by Brad Knight
Black Maps by Jauss, David