Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (3 page)

CAN MEN LACTATE?

You can’t write a book called
Why Do Men Have Nipples?
without getting a question about lactating men. This one came during a radio interview when an irate caller insisted that a man could nurse his own child. We argued with him, but there was no convincing this guy (Benson—are you reading this?) that it was not possible.

Here is the truth. The mammary glands of human males
can
produce milk but certainly not enough to feed a child. Usually male milk production is from a pathological condition. The most common cause of man milk is a prolactin-secreting tumor (prolactinoma) in the pituitary gland. Prolactin is a hormone that stimulates milk production. Overproduction of prolactin may be caused by some drugs, including phenothiazines, certain drugs given for high blood pressure (especially methyldopa), opioids, and even licorice. Male lactation is also caused by the hormonal treatments used in men who are suffering from prostate cancer. Doctors use female hormones to decrease the growth of the prostate, but these can also cause milk production or galactorrhea.

Extreme starvation—by radically disrupting the equilibrium of hormone production—can also make men lactate (this has been observed in prisoners of war).

It is also possible for males to induce lactation through constant massage and stimulation of the nipple over a long period of time but that sounds like a lot of work.

Then there is the fruit bat. Only one male mammal, the Dayak fruit bat, is known to produce milk.

So if you are a male fruit bat with prostate cancer who likes to massage his own nipples, and you happen to be a prisoner of war—let the nursing begin.

WHY DO MEN SNORE MORE THAN WOMEN?

In our last book we dispelled the myth that men fart more than women. So what about snoring? In this case the men are guilty as charged. We do snore more for several reasons. To begin with, women have anatomically different airways than men. Women have a wider airway circumference so if there is any obstruction, there’s a chance the air passing through will not be as likely to hit the oropharyngeal structures as it would in a man. Additionally, a woman’s airway is less prone to collapse than a man’s airway, and that works in her favor as far as snoring is concerned.

When men put on weight they tend to put it on around the neck area, whereas women put on weight around the hips. The fatty tissue around the neck literally squeezes the airway closed so air can’t pass through smoothly. Air then hits the structures within the throat and vibrates them, which causes the noise we know as snoring.

Smoking and drinking also lead to increased snoring. In general, women tend not to smoke and drink as much as men, and therefore don’t suffer the snoring consequences.

Pregnant women do tend to snore more because the blood flow around the nasal area can increase, which causes the lining of the nose and throat to swell. This makes breathing more difficult, so there would be a tendency to sleep with the mouth open, giving rise to snoring.

WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX?

Leave it to a ninety-two-year-old woman to break down a complicated question into the simplest terms. When we told Billy’s wife’s grandmother the name of our new book, she answered in a second. “Because they work so damn hard!”

As much as we would have liked to settle on that answer, we knew more was needed to make our editor happy. So we scoured the medical literature to try to put this issue to rest. We found studies with fornicating rats, hamsters, and prairie voles, but there was very little direct information about the postcoital snooze. There are many hormonal changes that occur with orgasm and some of these changes may offer an explanation for why men fall asleep.

After orgasm, both men and women release the chemicals oxytocin, prolactin, gamma amino butyric acid (GABA), and endorphins. Each of these contributes to that roll-over-and-snore feeling. They seem to be secreted in equal amounts in men and women, but we all know who orgasms more frequently.

The hormone oxytocin is known to have several effects including establishment of maternal behavior, stimulation of uterine smooth muscle contraction at birth, and stimulation of milk ejection (milk letdown). It is also referred to as “the cuddling hormone” since it tends to elicit the need to be close and bond but not in a sexual way. In one study, oxytocin was shown to inhibit male sexual behavior in prairie voles. Maybe it’s the oxytocin that makes us feel satiated and rested after a good romp.

Prolactin is another player in the sex/sleep conundrum. It is produced in the pituitary gland and its best known function is the stimulation of milk production. Prolactin is believed to relieve sexual arousal after orgasm and take your mind off sex. Levels of prolactin rise during sleep and some patients with prolactin-secreting tumors report frequent sleepiness. So prolactin seems like it may be a culprit too.

Gamma amino butyric acid (GABA) and endorphins also both have a calming effect and may make you pass out post-sex.

The tantric answer is that the male orgasm releases outward energy or jing, while the female orgasm is an inward explosion.

Last but not least, we have Grandma’s reasoning. It is thought that exertion during sex and after climax depletes the muscles of energy-producing glycogen. This leaves men feeling sleepy. Since men have more muscle mass than women, men become more tired after sex. Also (believe it or not!) women don’t always have an orgasm, and that keeps them from producing all those other hormones we just talked about.

Hmmm…maybe Grandma was right.

9:53
A.M
.

Gberg:
Good morning.

Leyner:
Good morning…won’t you light my candle????

Gberg:
We need to figure out the new title.

Gberg:
You didn’t like “Why Do Women Have Voiding Dysfunction and De Novo Detrusor Instability After Colposuspension?”

Leyner:
I e-mailed you asking how you could have kept that pithy, memorable, ultra-catchy piece of pop heroin to yourself all this time.

Leyner:
Did you see any of the whole Oprah drama/debacle?

9:55
A.M
.

Gberg:
I think we are next.

Gberg:
She is going to confront us on the veracity of our nipples.

Leyner:
I can’t wait to be confronted on the veracity of anything and everything I’ve ever written. That guy is such a pathetic abject pussy…

Gberg:
Frey? Yeah, but he is a very rich pussy now!

Leyner:
I’ve NEVER told the truth in my life. EVER. It’s my badge of honor. As a thief and a renegade.

Gberg:
I can hear “Born to be Wild” playing in the background.

Gberg:
That or some Debbie Gibson song.

Leyner:
Someone was complaining that even after (or because) of that telehumiliation, he’s numero uno on Amazon this morning…And this indignant commentator went on to say…

Leyner:
We live in a time when even the endorsement of Osama bin Laden can make a book a best seller!

Leyner:
I want some Chechen mafioso to endorse our new book.

Gberg:
It doesn’t matter what they say. If the book is mentioned on TV there is a Pavlovian response to buy.

Gberg:
We need endorsements from labor unions and GLAAD.

Leyner:
Did you read about that new prion disease in deer…some sort of “wasting” disease…but they think its etiology is similar to mad cow…

10:00
A.M
.

Gberg:
Sounds like the beginning of a bad science joke.

Leyner:
We need endorsement from Hamas and Dom Delloise.

Leyner:
How does one spell Dom Delloise?

Gberg:
Dom DeLuise

Leyner:
If you can’t go out with your crossbow and impale Bambi’s dad and then go home and butcher and gorge on it with a bunch of inbred Appalachian hydrocepahlic morons and NOT have the expectation of safety and healthy good eatin’…then this country is going to fucking hell in a handbasket, my friend.

Gberg:
That sounds like an ad campaign for Appalachian travel.

Leyner:
Hey…if we mention Appalachian travel in the new book…maybe we’ll all get free travel and accommodations to…APPALACHIA!!!!! You, me, and the girls!!!!!!!

Gberg:
Yeah, baby.

Gberg:
Back to the title. I am not a big fan of the new one

Leyner:
We can hunt and drink…kinda
Brokeback,
dude…catchin’ the vibe?

Gberg:
Back off.

Leyner:
Just testing the waters…

10:05
A.M
.

Leyner:
Why Do Men Pass Out After Sex?

Leyner:
I could live with it. But…tell me what other people said about it.

Gberg:
I researched the sleep and sex thing and there isn’t any good answer. We can talk about different hormones and Tantric sex but no clear science.

Leyner:
Let’s look into it a little more before we toss it…there’s something appealing about it to me…and this is after I was VERY skeptical about it…but it sort of “grew on me.”

Gberg:
Like a fungus.

Gberg:
Hey, give me a call at home, let’s talk, and then I have to go to work.

Leyner:
We don’t talk enough about fungal infections.

Leyner:
I mean our society as a whole.

Gberg:
Onychomycosis.

10:10
A.M
.

Gberg:
Mycotic aneurysms.

Leyner:
Es-plain that to me. What sort of infection is that?

Gberg:
My Cousin Vinny.

Leyner:
Ooooh, Doctor…talk dirty to me…

Gberg:
Onychomycosis=Nail fungus.

Leyner:
Oh…right…nail fungus!!

Leyner:
Good!

Gberg:
Beware the manicure/pedicure with dirty tools.

Leyner:
Is this in the book?

Gberg:
There is one question about pedicures, I think.

Gberg:
I will check.

Gberg:
Give me a call so I can start my day.

Leyner:
You’re not implying that all those cute adorable luscious lusting Korean manicurists are in this country at the behest of the evil Kim Jong Il in order to spread onychomycosis to all Americans, are you?

Gberg:
Exactly.

Leyner:
OK, I’ll call you in a moment or two. Bye-bye birdie.

Gberg:
Adios.

Gberg:
Wish I could say good-bye in Korean.

Leyner:
Wait, I was just reading Carrie’s e-mail.

Gberg:
And?

Leyner:
I’m going to write her back that I much prefer “pass out.”

Gberg:
I think fall asleep is fine. I prefer it to pass out

Leyner:
I know you do. Tell her. Let her sort it all out.

Gberg:
She is interested in seeing the intros we wrote. Should we send them or should we make her suffer and wait to the last minute to see everything?

Gberg:
I know how you like to torture her.

Leyner:
I don’t have a problem with her reading what we wrote the other day. Let’s send them. You agree?

Gberg:
Yes. What was that thing you read in the paper that you wanted me to look at?

Leyner:
It was in yesterday’s NYT…

Leyner:
“Scientists Find Gene That Controls Type of Earwax in People.”

Gberg:
You should have been an earwax geneticist!

Leyner:
I also want to add a castration/voice change question.

Gberg:
We should have a whole eunuch chapter.

Leyner:
Earwax geneticist? It’s never too late…but I don’t want to go back to school, remember?

Gberg:
Maybe even write a whole eunuch book and a sitcom.

Gberg:
You can get any degree online.

Leyner:
Maybe we should have a patient see us who just wants them cut off…y’know can’t deal with the desire and futile search for a mate, etc. etc.

Gberg:
Don’t joke. Remember the story of the schizophrenic guy who cut his off.

Leyner:
Self-orchi-something or other…

Gberg:
No, a guy who I saw at the hospital who cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet.

Leyner:
What’s the fancy-shmancy word for removal of the testicle…it’s orch-something.

Gberg:
Orchiectomy.

Gberg:
Sounds like a pasta.

Leyner:
Thanks, chief.

Gberg:
Chef.