Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love (26 page)
Read Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love Online
Authors: Barbara Pease
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic “Definitely not!” Incorrect responses include:
a. “Yes, but you have a better personality.”
b. “Not prettier but definitely thinner.”
c. “Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.”
d. “Define ‘pretty.’”
e. “Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”
This is a definite no-win question whatever a man says. The real answer is “Buy a Ferrari and a boat,” but here’s a typical way this question could be handled:
| WOMAN: | Would you get married again? |
| MAN: | Definitely not! |
| WOMAN: | Why not? Don’t you like being married? |
| MAN: | Yes! I love being married! |
| WOMAN: | Then why wouldn’t you remarry? |
| MAN: | OK, then … I’d get married again. |
| WOMAN: | ( with a hurt look on her face ) You would? |
| MAN: | Well … uh … you asked me! |
| WOMAN: | Would you sleep with her in our bed? |
| MAN: | Where else would we sleep? |
| WOMAN: | Would you replace my photos with pictures of her? |
| MAN: | Well … that would seem the appropriate thing to do. |
| WOMAN: | And would you let her use my golf clubs? |
| MAN: | She can’t. She’s left-handed. |
A man’s brain has the ability to separate love from sex. Occasionally they happen together.
Men lie to women to avoid conflict. Never ask a man a question if you don’t want to hear the truth; otherwise you are simply training him to lie.
If you want to make the man in your life happy, initiate sex more often.
Men are just as insecure about their flaws as women are; they just don’t like to discuss them. Never point out a man’s failings—you’ll only create tension and bruise his ego.
Twelve Truths About Women Most Men Don’t Know
The key erotic zones on the human body
.
T
oday arguments about sex are much more intense than they were in past generations. Men see few reasons for women to be reserved about sex. If women are on the pill or use another form of birth control, why don’t they want sex more often? After women’s liberation, men felt women would be more ready to initiate sex. Women declared they were willing to ignore society’s past expectations about women not wanting much sex, and men assumed, happily, that suddenly they’d be regularly asked by for sex and that women would no longer be coy about men’s advances. Women began buying porn and sex toys and talking about men as sex objects. They insisted on being free to dress as seductively as they wanted, wherever they wanted. Women’s magazines continually had
articles about how to please men in bed. Radio programs for women featured sex counselors talking about technique, and there were explicit television shows about sex. Men were excited and enthusiastic. Women, it was proclaimed, would now want sex as much as men.
This, however, was an anticlimax (no pun intended). The sexual revolution arrived, but after all the loud talk about free sex, many women soon settled back into their default position—being passive sexual partners. Some didn’t, but most did. Once again, men found themselves being cast as always wanting sex while trying to deal with women who rarely did. Many men had expected life to be like living with the girls from the Playboy Mansion, but they were in fact back to living with Mother Teresa. Contrary to what many men believe, women do want sex and they often want it more frequently than they’ll actually say.
If the state of a woman’s relationship is bad, it will cause her to avoid sex. A man in the same relationship is perfectly happy to have sex any time because, as we saw in the last chapter, his brain has the ability to separate love from sex, and sex usually carries a higher priority for him because of the need to continue the species. They can have sex at virtually any time, any place, and under almost any circumstances. For women, it’s the complete opposite. Many women can’t understand how a man can have sex without feeling emotion at the same time, and most resent this. Women’s different sex center in the brain and significantly lower level of testosterone mean the need for sex is further down their priority list.
Below are twelve key areas about women and sex that most men don’t understand.
The present-day obsession with being politically correct has created the illusion that women want the same things from sex as men. Many magazines and television shows suggest that
not only do women have the same criteria as men for good sex, they also have the same sex drive. The women’s rights movement has pushed for and obtained equality in many areas, and society has erroneously concluded that the same applies to sex. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The fortune-teller told a young man, “To live a happy life, you need to find a girl with similar interests to you and who wants to do the same things as you.”
“What? Getting drunk and picking up women?” he gasped. “I’ll need an alcoholic lesbian!”
Over a thirty-year period, we collected and analyzed hundreds of studies and surveys about what women want from sex. These included studies carried out by universities and health institutes, professional sex researchers such as Kinsey, and popular magazines such as
Cosmopolitan
and
Redbook
. We have drawn two important conclusions from all this. First, a woman’s motivations to have sex are no different now than they have been for thousands of years. Almost every study shows that the high-powered businesswoman, the woman at home with children, and the woman who crouched in a cave 100,000 years ago have the same criteria for rating good sex. Second, a twenty-first-century woman’s sex drive is no stronger than that of her ancestors—all that has changed is that sex is now open for discussion and is on display in the media. At the top of her list is finding the right partner who either has resources or has the ability to get them.
Here’s a summary of the top five things most women say they want from men before they will feel like having sex:
To feel attractive and special
To feel loved and protected
To be pampered and spoiled
To be kissed, touched, and cuddled
To talk about her feelings
Compare this list to the top five of what most men say they want from women:
For her to say “yes” to sex more often
To have more spontaneous sex
For her to initiate sex more often and be creative
Not to make him feel guilty about his sexual needs
To understand he is mainly motivated by visual signals, such as lingerie
A woman wants the lead-up to sex to go slowly. In fact, she doesn’t even use the word “sex”—she wants to “make love” or to “sleep” with someone. After sex, she wants to continue to talk about her feelings, but many women complain that this is not possible—because he’s asleep.
A man’s number-one fantasy is being in bed with two women
.
Women also want this so they’ll have someone to talk to when their partner falls asleep
.
These lists show how women want lots of emotional input first, whereas men want a wild, uninhibited romp. Because of our different basic drives and priorities, it’s not unreasonable to say that men and women are incompatible when it comes to sex. Women frequently describe men as “selfish” and “always in a hurry,” and men describe women as “unimaginative” and “mechanical.” A woman may even describe a man’s need for erotic images as “disgusting” or “sick.” He describes her need to go slow as “uncreative” and “boring.” When you understand and accept that male and female brains are wired differently, that each has a different perspective on sex and love, that each has different priorities, you can make the necessary changes to
your approach to sex and you will soon be described as an outstanding lover. The ideal sex life is one in which each partner withholds judgment of the other’s needs and instead fulfills those needs. Our sexual needs are different—not better or worse, different.
While the air force plane was idling on the runway, one of the female crew gave the soldiers on board the safety information regarding seat belts and emergency exits.
Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Joanne Parish, and her crew fly you safely to Iraq.”
An old sergeant sitting in the front row asked, “’Did I hear you right? Is the captain a woman?”
“Yes!” said the attendant. “In fact, this entire crew is female.”
“My God,” he said nervously, “I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit!”
“Oh, that’s another thing, Sergeant,” she said
.
“It’s no longer called the cockpit … it’s the
Box Office.”
This is the number-one complaint men have about women in nearly every country. The reason is simple: As we have repeatedly pointed out, men are built to have a far stronger sex drive than women, men having between ten and twenty times more testosterone and a larger hypothalamus, the brain area where hormones stimulate the desire for sex.
“My wife says she loves me, but she never seems to want to show me. She seems to think it’s enough to say nice things to
me and do little things for me, like making my favorite meal or doing the laundry, but I don’t really care about any of that. I can do those things myself. What I’d love her to do one day is dress up for me in a sexy little outfit and greet me like that when I come home from work. That would really show me that she loves me. But I’ve got as much chance of that as going to the moon. I mean, if she really cared, wouldn’t she want to make me happy?”
Ian
Over the past million years, men evolved to be sex-driven to continue our species. Women evolved to be the carriers of children. Women’s primary drive was to be carers and protectors so that they could nurture the children and keep them safe. Nothing has changed. Women also extend this to the men in their lives and like to comfort them, support them, and them keep them safe. Men, however, see every cuddle as foreplay. Their focus on sex is so overwhelming that they often can’t distinguish between a woman expressing her natural affection and a woman wanting sex. This is why men so often feel rejected. They’ll read a woman’s signals incorrectly, believe the situation has moved on to sex, and then be faced with rejection. Women get equally confused.
“You know, I often just want a cuddle before bed. I’d just like us to be able to kiss each other and stroke each other to sleep. Soft and gentle. It makes me feel good. But if I attempt that, Robert always thinks I want sex. So now, as soon as I get into bed, if I don’t feel like sex, I pretend I’m asleep. I can’t risk snuggling up to him, because then he’ll get an erection and he’ll want sex. Why can’t he just cuddle? Why does sex have to be so important?”
Helen
The problem for men is simply that they evolved with brain hardwiring designed to keep the human species going. In ancient times, they had to be ready to take every opportunity to have sex, even in the face of danger. Often, pregnancies didn’t make it to term and many babies died at birth or at an
early age. Most did not live into their teens. Women evolved with a lower sex drive because they had to take time out during pregnancy and to care for their children. If women wanted sex all the time, they might neglect their offspring in the search for sex or would be constantly pregnant or giving birth. Both scenarios would be detrimental to their own health and that of their children.