Wish for You (23 page)

Some Marine I am. Forget Marine. Some boyfriend. Lacey needs me, and I can tell she’s trying hard, so who cares if everything’s wearing on me. If she can withstand this, then so can I.

Exhaustion hits hard, mostly because I’ve been going to bed late and then waking up early so I can sneak back to my old room. My parents wouldn’t be too happy if they knew what I was doing, mostly because they wouldn’t want Lacey to be embarrassed, but, since we’re unmarried, it’s separate bedrooms.

Lacey and my two cousins run out of her bedroom, laughing. She sees me and a smile lights up her entire face. “We’re going swimming in the pool. The
heated
pool. Do you want to come with us?”

“
I need a nap. Someone kept me up late last night,” I say with a little wink.

She rolls her eyes. “You’ll miss out on all the fun.”

Leaning down, I kiss her cheek. My little cousins are dancing around us, impatient to get to the pool. “Thank you for spending time with them.”

“
Don’t thank me. I miss my brothers and sisters,” she says, but her face isn’t sad. I give her a quick hug anyway, just in case.

“
If you need me, I’ll be sleeping.”

My cousins giggle. “Boys are gross.”

Lacey takes their hands. “They’re totally gross, until they’re not.”

Can’t argue with that logic. I walk to my room, beyond happy that Lacey’s okay and to discover that it’s still empty. Dan hasn’t moved his shit in yet.

I crash on one of the double beds and close my eyes. In what seems like seconds later, I feel a breeze and open them back up. I get up, swinging my legs over the bed, and put my head in my hands. I feel worse, not better.

Looking up, I find Dan on the balcony, chain-smoking as he talks on the phone. He sees me staring and ends his call. “Join me?”

The wind shifts, and I frown. He’s not smoking a cigarette. “Think I’ll pass.” But my body won’t move. It keeps my eyes firmly fixed on the joint.

“
I have extra.” He digs into his pocket and pulls out a plastic bag. The sight of it makes me hungry and pissed. I jump up from the bed and stride to him, grabbing him by the shirt.

“
What the hell do you think you’re doing, bringing that here? Anyone could find it.”

He grins, waving the joint under my nose, and I breathe deeply, despite my best intentions. Shit, I want more. “Feeling more relaxed, cuz?”

“
Not really.” I’m craving that damn joint more than anything, more than… He holds it up to my face.

“
Take a little more.” He blows smoke in my face, and my eyes close.

More, more, more. Just a little more.

Eyes opening, I let go of him and take the joint, holding it up and examining it. Yeah, I know I have a contact high right now. But I’m still aware and in charge of myself, and I know I don’t want to go down that road again. I don’t want to be hooked up to machines or have my stomach pumped. I don’t want Nathan to start appearing again, after being gone from my subconscious for so long.

Where’s there a will, there’s a way around it.

I have the will, but can I let it take control? I run the joint under my nose, one last time, before I give it back, and happen to catch the triumphant look on Dan’s face.
Oh, hell no.
I crush the joint into pieces, enjoying the rush of power as it burns my hand, and then it flies away on the wind.

“
You think you’re too good for me now, don’t you?” He shoves the bag of weed back into his pocket.

I shake my head. “I don’t think I’m too good. But I know what I want out of life now, and what you’re offering, I’m not buying anymore.” Then I turn, walking away, even as my body screams for more, more, more.
Be strong. Be brave. Have faith.
Isn’t that what Lacey has always said? Isn’t that something her entire family believes?

As I get further away from Dan, my mouth kicks up at the corners, and I stop, leaning against the wall. I need time to get my nerves under control.

“
I knew you had it in you,”
Nathan’s voice whispers in my head, but he doesn’t appear.
“Now forgive yourself and get on with your life. That’s an order, Marine!”

“
Oorah… Miss you, buddy,” I say, without embarrassment, only relief at the acknowledgement that I can get through this. I can forgive myself and get on with my life, free of all the things that held me back, with the help of my friends, my doctor, and the woman I love more than anything.

“
Wyatt!” My mother shows up out of nowhere, her face white and her hand over her chest.

“
Something wrong with Dad?”

“
No, it’s Lacey.”

I take off, racing down the stairs and heading to the pool, thinking the worse. As I run through the French doors leading there, I hear screaming, and my heart sinks.

“
Oh no, baby.”

Nearly everyone is crowding around her, offering words of help and trying to get her to stop.

“
Go away,” she screams, and my heart stutters.

My dad catches sight of me, and he gets everyone to disperse. He grabs my shoulder. “I’m not sure what happened, but one minute the girls and Lacey were playing in the pool, then we called them over to eat. It got a bit crowded, and some of the older boys were roughhousing. One of them picked Lacey up and threatened to throw her in the pool. Another boy pushed, and they all fell in the pool, with her on the bottom. I didn’t know, son. I’m sorry.”

“
Was Lacey physically hurt?”

He shakes his head. “Not that I can see. She’s breathing, so I didn’t have to administer CPR or call an ambulance.” It’s not until he finishes talking that I notice he’s dripping wet.

“
Did you go in after her?”

Nodding, he glances at Lacey. She whimpers, her clothes soaked and her hair all in her face. She’s drawn up into a tight little ball, like the night I found her on the floor. My heart breaks all over again for her.

I drop to my knees in front of her, whispering her name. She shoves her hair out of her eyes and launches herself at me.

“
I never knew how bad her panic attacks were.” My dad wraps a large towel around her shoulders. “Her parents had warned us, and even told us what to do in case… but this… it’s heartbreaking.”

“
Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Lacey whispers. “I’m right here.”

“
Can you give us some privacy?”

“
Of course.”

As soon as my dad leaves, Lacey begins to cry. “I’m s-so sorry. I tried to hold it together and be normal, but they wouldn’t stop, and you can’t get in the pool without,” she hiccups, “without ruining your clothes. I tried to tell them. And then, I was at the bottom. I couldn’t breathe… I couldn’t move.” Her entire body shudders in my arms. “Your whole family saw. I screamed at them, and I wouldn’t let anyone touch me. I thought your dad was you at first, and that’s why… that’s why I let him help me.”

“
That’s a good thing,” I say.

She gazes up at me, misery and disbelief in her eyes. “It’s a good thing?”

“
That you were willing to let me, even if it wasn’t me, try to help you so quickly, was a very good thing,” I say. “I know you’re embarrassed right now, but a lot of people have panic attacks. Marines and soldiers returning home from war have them all the time.”

Her lips tremble, and her teeth start to chatter. “I have to tell you something.”

“
I’m listening.” I have no idea what’s in her head, but I’m scared that she’s going to push me away again. That this was the snapping point, just like… “You pushed me away because of your panic attacks, didn’t you?”

She nods. “I p-promised your parents to stay away, too.”

I can feel the anger rising. “My parents told you to stay away from me?”

“
Not really. It was a misunderstanding.” Her teeth chatter again. I grab another towel and wrap it around her head, so that only her face is peeking out. My shirt and jeans are soaked, but I don’t feel the cold air. All I feel is her body, shaking and pressing closer to mine. “Your mom told me that she was sorry that I overheard a c-conversation. Then she told me to b-be with you. But Ella was there.”

“
All this time, you wanted to be with me?”

“
I thought I lost you again,” she buries her face in my neck, her nose and lips cold against my skin, “but that’s not all. I’ve been keeping a secret from you, a big one.”

I hug her to me. “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it.” My mind whirls, and then immediately goes to thoughts of her with other men. But Lacey wouldn’t lie about her first time, and she sure as hell wouldn’t have come to me so prepared for her first time.

“
I don’t just have panic attacks. Dr. Lewis actually told me what I have, and it’s not curable.”

The blood in my veins becomes icy. “Is it a tumor? Brain aneurism?”

“
I have Aspergers,” she says softly, and my body sags against hers.

“
That’s it?” I can’t help but ask. “God, I thought the worst and—”

“
I’m a freak, and there’s a name for it. There are tests for it and medications for some people,” she cries, sitting up. “I’ll never be normal. I’ll always,
always
have attacks, some big and some small. Do you want to tie yourself to a freak like me?”

“
Haven’t I already?”

“
It’s not the same.” Her brown eyes search my face. “I don’t know if I want to have kids, because they could get what I have.”

“
There are a lot of things they could be born with that you don’t have. Life isn’t easy, sweetheart, and it’s full of things out of our control. We don’t have to make decisions right now about kids, but I do know that no matter what, I want to spend my life with you. And if it’s just the two of us, then I’ll be satisfied, because I love you.”

“
I’m a freak,” she whispers. “A freak.”

“
Yeah, and I’m an addict. A recovering one, but that doesn’t make me less of one. It’s still there, still hanging over me.”

“
But you have a reason for it; you were in a war and had to kill people.”

“
I killed my best friend,” I say.

“
Nathan? But you received a medal for bravery.”

I swallow. “It had been a beautiful day, one of those days where it felt like nothing was going on, even though we were in the middle of a war. We’d been marching through poppy fields, careful not to disturb them, because the locals grew them to sell to guys who knew how to break them down and make heroine. It sucked, but the people there are starving and afraid, and our war wasn’t with them. It was just with the guys shooting at us, or blowing themselves up in villages while we were there. Anyway, it was hot, and we’d taken off our helmets to wipe our heads down with some water. Nathan wanted to share pictures of our girls. So I went first, and then he thought he saw something. I put my helmet back on but, before Nathan could, he was shot, several times in… places. A stray bullet grazed my leg, and legs bleed out like you wouldn’t believe.”

She blinks a few times. “I read that it’s worse to get shot in the leg than anywhere else because of the major arteries.”

“
You read right.” I kiss her forehead, feel her very real body in my arms, and exhale. “For a long time, I blamed myself.”

“
How was that your fault? Those guys shot him, not you.”

“
How is having Aspergers your fault? You were born that way.”

“
It’s not the same.”

“
I know, but you have to understand… we all have our battles to fight, internal and external. None of them look the same, and they all make us feel like we’re pathetic losers or freaks.”

Leaning back in my arms, Lacey narrows her eyes at me. “You are not a freak or a loser.”

“
Neither are you.”

“
But I am different.”

I shrug. “Though I hate when you get upset, because it hurts you and embarrasses you, I love you just the way you are. I’ve been here, with you, for six years. Even when I was away, we were still together. All the letters and phone calls.” I lower my voice. “I quit sleeping with other women right before I went off to boot camp. I was determined to come back to you and be your man—a better man. Only I fucked it up by getting all fucked up when I came home, and then I made it worse after you said we had to be friends only, again. Please forgive me for being so weak.”