Wish for You (21 page)

“
I knew we would see each other again.”

He brushes back my bangs. “Did you?”

I nod. “I had faith you’d come home to me.”

“
Faith and wishes are powerful things.”

“
They can be,” I agree. “But why did your grandmother have to sing to you?”

“
I was far away from home.” I open my eyes and turn to stare up at him. He smiles at me, concern etched on his face. “Like you are.”

“
But you’re my home now.”

He smiles sadly. “Not yet.”

My heart pinches, because he’s right
and
wrong. “I want to go back to bed.”

“
Do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?”

“
I can walk,” I insist. I stand, with his help, and then hobble like an old lady across the floor. I sit on the bed and take a deep breath, shivering.

“
Arms up,” he says, and I comply without thinking. He pulls a shirt over my head, and I let my arms fall. Then he kneels before me and helps me into a pair of his boxers. “I promise they’re clean.”

I want to die, because I’m so mortified, but I can’t help but be thankful for him, his help, and his patience. “I’m sorry.”

“
Would you be willing to go talk to Dr. Lewis about your panic attacks?”

“
He won’t be able to help me.” I crawl back under the covers, feeling safe and secure once more in his arms. And my pajamas. “They’ve tried before, but…”

“
But what?”

“
But nothing.” I close my eyes. “I’ll go talk to your doctor.” I’ll do anything to make what’s wrong with me go away. I’d do anything to ensure this doesn’t happen again, because if I don’t, I’m afraid that I’ll push Wyatt away, and if that happens, he won’t bother to come back, because he’s lived with the real me.

*** *** ***

Dr. Lewis and I sit across from each other. I make sure to keep my hands in my lap and a smile on my face as we talk. We’ve been talking for about a half hour, and he’s been taking notes using something called an ASSQ. He promised he would explain why later.

“
Wyatt says that you two are a couple now.”

I blink a few times before answering. “Yes.”

“
He seems to be very happy.”

My hand rises to my hair before I can stop myself, but Dr. Lewis doesn’t notice. My heart sinks. He won’t be able to help me either. “I think he is.”

“
But you can see it, on his face, the way he carries himself.”

I nod slowly. “Most of the time, yes, but sometimes it’s hard to tell, because he’ll say one thing and his body is saying something else.”

“
That happens a lot with other people, too?”

I nod.

“
I read you medical records.”

Before he can say anything else, I blurt, “I’m not going to grow out of them.”

He cocks his head to one side. “Grow out of what?”

“
The panic attacks. The anxiety that grows inside of me like a weed when things aren’t right.”

“
Or familiar?”

“
Yes.”

“
Sometimes they happen when big changes are made to your schedule.”

I shrug. “I like schedules.”

He smiles. “So do I.”

“
I like rules, too.” Then I smash my lips together, not wanting to sound even more like the child I feel is inside of me. The child who can’t understand what’s going on and makes it known. That’s how my mom described it to me. It made sense at the time, but the child inside of me has to grow up. I can’t keep living like this.

“
Who could? Unmanaged, the panic attacks and anxiety will begin wreaking havoc on your body.”

I start, realizing that I’d spoken my thoughts to him out loud. “If you weren’t such a dedicated athlete and dedicated to finding what works for you, then I highly doubt that you would be in such great shape. You’re a miracle, Lacey.”

“
I’m miserable,” I confess.

“
That’s normal.”

“
I know you mean well, but if all you’re going to end up telling me is that I’ll grow out of it, or that I need to be heavily medicated, I’m not interested”

“
I’m not going to say any of that.”

Stunned, I stare at him for a minute. “You’re not?”

“
No. “

“
Then what will you do?” I want to cry, because this has been a waste of time, and it’s another person who will feel sorry for Wyatt the next time he sees him. The Marine with the Freak, he’ll think. I don’t care how many letters are behind his name. They all think that.

“
I’m going to give you a name.”

“
I don’t want to go to another doctor.”

“
Not of a doctor, Lacey.” He leans forward. “I’m going to name what you’ve been living with all these years. It’s called Asperger Syndrome, and, yes, they’ve changed it to fall under the autistic category, but for now, we’ll call it by the old name. I think it will be easier to read about and research that way, don’t you think?”

“
Asperger Syndrome
,” I repeat. I knew what that was, and I’d always thought it could be me, but how could I know more than all the specialists I’d been to? “I thought only boys could get it.” My dad had mentioned this to one of the doctors, and that had been her response. Only boys.

“
It’s more common in boys, but if that’s because it’s more prevalent or because Autism is underdiagnosed in women, I’m not sure. No one is. But what I do know, and what you know… is it’s my professional opinion that you have Aspergers.”

I start to cry, and then sob, burying my hands in my face. When I look up at him, he hands me a tissue and says, “I’m sorry to have hurt you.”

“
You didn’t hurt me.” I give him a watery smile and take the tissue, blowing my nose. “You freed me.”

“
I’m glad. Now if you can come again, I’d like to talk to you about management, about what works for you and what doesn’t. Things to avoid, things to try. We’re finding that it’s genetic with the way it turns up in families.”

“
Is there a cure?” I don’t want it to be genetic. I want it to be a fluke.

“
Not right now, but in the future… who knows? But let’s not dwell on that.”

But I can’t not dwell on that. Dr. Lewis has taken all of my hope for the future and crushed it with his diagnosis. My happiness shatters, turning to tiny shards that pierce my heart and dreams of a future with Wyatt.

I wished for a couple of kids, a dog… maybe a boat and patch of land to call mine.

How will I ever break the news to Wyatt? I won’t be able to give him kids, not with this living inside of me.

*** *** ***

I had insisted that Wyatt let me walk instead of picking me up, since Dr. Lewis’s office was only a block away from Tanaka’s. It gives me time to think and plan. I’ll try to do it Dr. Lewis’ way and implement some of the strategies he’d give me.

“
Think of it like a new game, with new rules you have to learn.”

That seems easy enough. But only time would tell, and I would give myself time to get everything under control. I would purposefully allow Wyatt to take me places I was unfamiliar with, since he was safe to me, and had dealt with my panic attacks before. Correction, my panic attacks brought on and aggravated by my Aspergers.

When I get to the restaurant, I change out of my clothes and into my new uniform. It’s bright red with peacocks and Japanese-style houses. I’m pretty sure my outfit is Wyatt’s idea, since he’s taken over the day-to-day operations, and I’m the only hostess wearing it. Plus, my usual uniform, the one that had been sent to dry cleaning, is gone, and this was hanging in its place. Inside my locker. The dress is cut up the sides, to mid-thigh, and is tight across my breasts. I wind my hair into a bun and adjust it, then do my makeup.

Wyatt grabs my hand as I emerge from the back. “Office, Miss Evans.”

I hurry after him, my high heels clicking on the floor. Luckily, those hadn’t changed. He pulls me into the office, shuts the door, and then seals his mouth over mine. I kiss him back, wanting and needing him.

“
I’m going to fuck you against the door, as punishment for wearing that indecent dress, but only if you’re wet enough.

“
Indecent?” I sputter, confused. “It’s my new—”

“
Games, sweetheart. We’re playing one. Boss and employee.”

My eyes widen.

“
Do you want to play?”

I nod my head vigorously.

“
Rules first?”

Again, I nod.

“
If you don’t like anything, then we stop. That’s it. Understand?”

I nod again. I totally understand, and I love the rules. “I’m not wearing anything under this, because it’s too tight.”

His nostrils flare. “That’s a flagrant disregard of the rules that all employees have to follow.”

“
I’m a rule breaker,” I tease, pulling my dress up. “See. No panties.”

He shoves his hand between my thighs. “Spread your legs so I can see how wet it makes you to walk around like this.” I move my legs apart only a little, but he uses his knee to make them as wide as he wants. “Much better.” He slips one finger inside of me. I moan, and then he adds another. “I think I should finger you like this every day before your shift starts.”

“
I think so, too,” I pant. My breasts ache, my sensitized nipples rubbing the material, driving me crazy. “I want this off.”

Wyatt unbuttons the two buttons at the top and pulls hard. The dress rips to the waist, and my breasts pop out. He dips his head, latches on to one, working his fingers in me and his mouth on me. I bang my head against the door, barely able to stand what he’s doing to me. Barely able to stand at all. I lock my knees, not wanting this to end.

I hear his zipper, then foil tearing, and he’s pushing inside of me. His cock stretches and burns, but in the best way possible. He bends his knees and grabs my hips, rocking into me. We move together, his face against my neck. He pulls me higher, grabbing me tighter.

“
This is sex. This is fucking.” He gives me a punishing kiss. “Do you feel the difference?”

I swear that he goes so deep that I die a little from the pleasure. “Yes.”

His hands go lower, to my butt, slipping between my cheeks and rubbing me. I almost climb up him. “I like that.”

“
Thought you might.” He grins and then slows his thrusts, as his face turns serious. “We’re still okay. You’re okay?”

I kiss him softly, murmuring how much I love him, instead of answering that no, I’m not okay. I’m scared. I’m terrified.

He slams into me, I gasp, and the door rattles. “Too loud.” He spins around, sitting in the nearest chair and whispering, “Ride me.”

I grab his shoulder and move my hips, getting lost in the sensation of him, in the newness of this position, and my love and desire for him as it twists inside of me. As it washes over me, and I call out his name.

He surges inside of me, one last time, and I collapse against him. His hands run up and down my back. “This isn’t your new uniform by the way.”

“
I like it.”

“
No way in hell you’re serving anyone but me in that dress.”

“
What if I want you to serve me?” I tease.

He leans back and tucks a strand of my fallen, wild hair behind my ear. “That can be arranged.”

Later than evening, once my shift is over and Wyatt is driving us home, I tell him a little bit about my visit with Dr. Lewis. The doctor said that I didn’t have to tell Wyatt right away about my diagnosis, especially since he wants to do a few more, non-painful, non-invasive tests.

“
But eventually, for the sake of your relationship, you’ll need to tell him. A relationship built on lies is akin to building the most gorgeous house in the world upon sand. It would wash away the minute a hard storm came to pass.”