With All My Love (30 page)

She’d taken Lisa for a walk to settle her down after a feed one Saturday not long after she was born and had been feeling surprisingly happy as the afternoon sun warmed them. And then she’d seen Lorna Burton walking briskly in her direction and her heart plummeted. Lorna had been dating Lorcan for a year before they’d had a falling out and he had started going with Tessa. Lorna was a sexy little blonde vamp who was always flirting with men and playing them off against each other. She couldn’t be more different from Tessa.

‘So this is Lorcan’s daughter!’ Lorna forced her to come to a halt in the middle of the footpath. She cast a cursory glance into the pram at Lisa. ‘Lovely baby, Tessa. Clever move, getting pregnant. Congratulations. But he would have come back to me if you hadn’t, you know that, don’t you?’ Lorna’s green eyes were icy flints as she stared at Tessa.

It took every ounce of self-control not to betray how deeply wounded she was by Lorna’s cruelty.

‘Lorcan was free to do whatever he wished, Lorna, I can assure you, and if he’d wanted you he’d have gone back to you, make no mistake about it,’ she said coldly, manoeuvring the pram around her.

‘As I say, Tessa, clever move, getting pregnant but not one I’d use to get a man,’ Lorna said scornfully over her shoulder as Tessa gripped the handles of the pram tightly and tried hard not to cry.

Those cold, harsh words had ploughed a deep furrow of torment in Tessa and undermined her marriage, despite Lorcan’s protestations to the contrary and reassurances that he did indeed love her. The damage had been done and Tessa could never entirely convince herself that what he said was true.

And so when Jeff, the child she loved the most of all her children, had arrived home with his new girl, she had seen in Valerie shades of the girl she was all those years ago before that first pregnancy had robbed her of all her dreams. All her old fears and regrets seemed to resurface just as she was inexorably sliding headlong into menopause and all the difficulties that entailed.

And then Jeff had come home with the news that his girlfriend was pregnant and it was like her and Lorcan’s past was being replayed all over again. A pattern being repeated. But things were different now from in her day, Tessa reassured herself as the sea caressed the shore and the breeze brushed her hair from her face, and a faint thrum of a fishing boat’s engine as it chugged towards harbour, broke the silence of the encroaching night. She turned to walk back towards the car. Valerie might hate her now, but the day would come when she would be grateful for the stance Tessa and Carmel had taken that had prevented her from rushing down the aisle and having to live with all the torments and doubts such a hasty trip entailed.

Perhaps Jeff would want to marry her in the future, and Tessa would be happy for them if it was what he really wanted, but for now her son had to focus on his chosen career. She would be damned if he had to give up college like his father had. His life was not going to be ruined. He had choices and she would try her utmost to make sure that he made the best ones for him, his baby and Valerie. In the meantime she would support them as best she could.

She
would
throw a lovely christening party to honour Briony, where their new grandchild would be surrounded by family and friends welcoming her into the world. So different for her own daughter’s christening which had been attended only by Lorcan and herself and the godparents; a subdued, restrained affair that had to be endured rather than enjoyed, with no sense of celebration, just shame.

Briony’s christening would be so different: a time of welcome and joy, with the church full of family and Jeff and Valerie’s friends. She sincerely hoped Carmel would come and that Valerie would see it as an olive branch. There was nothing more she could do about Terence; she’d made her offer of peace. The arrival of a baby was a special occasion, no matter what the circumstances. Patterns could be changed, Tessa decided, feeling suddenly energized as she climbed up the dunes to get to the car. This was an opportunity for all of them to put the past behind them and start afresh. Something to celebrate and look forward to, no matter what Terence Harris thought.

C
HAPTER
T
WENTY
-N
INE

Valerie sat in her dressing gown beside her bed, rubbing Briony’s back gently. Her daughter gave a small burp, and then her eyelashes fluttered down over her cheeks and she fell asleep.

‘Good little girl,’ Valerie crooned, placing her back in her cot and covering her with her blanket.

A nurse poked her head around her cubicle curtains. ‘Valerie, I’m just going to take baby for her heel prick test.’

‘Will it hurt?’ Valerie winced at the thought.

‘She’ll be grand,’ the nurse said reassuringly, pushing Briony’s cot briskly down the ward. The cubicle felt strangely empty and she pulled back her curtains and smiled at the woman in the next bed.

‘I think I’ll just run down to the bathroom to slap on a bit of make-up. Jeff’s parents are coming in this afternoon; I need to look presentable.’

‘If you can run I take my hat off to you. I can hardly move,’ the older woman groaned. She had given birth to her third child, a daughter, the same night as Valerie. She was a friendly, good-hearted woman and both of them had confided to each other that they were glad they weren’t in the same ward as the one who had been screeching and roaring the night they were in labour.

Valerie gathered up her toilet bag and towel and made her way to the bathroom. Fortunately it was vacant and she didn’t have to hang around outside. Valerie shut the door with a sigh. It was nice to have some peace and quiet. The hospital was busy and noisy. There was always activity of some sort, and the inevitable background cacophony of babies crying. She hadn’t slept well and a fug of tiredness shrouded her. She was looking forward to going home at the weekend and sleeping her brains out. Lizzie had offered Carmel her bed and said she’d go to Rockland’s for the weekend. She wouldn’t have to worry about her friend being disturbed by a crying baby for the first two nights.

She looked wrecked, she decided, as she washed her face and applied some make-up. She felt she had aged ten years. Her boobs were sore and leaky, and her tummy looked like a pasty pudding. Far from goddess-like, she had informed Lizzie. She couldn’t imagine ever looking attractive or having sex again.

‘Ah, wait until you get a rub of the relic and you’ll be fine,’ Lizzie assured her briskly, having no clue as to what her friend was experiencing.

‘I wonder, will I be much looser down there?’ Valerie worried.

‘Are you doing those exercises?’ Lizzie demanded.

‘Religiously,’ Valerie assured her, tightening as she spoke.

Valerie smiled, remembering the discussion of the previous day. Lizzie had arrived in with a box of liquorice allsorts, a supply of sanitary towels, breast pads, a pretty pale green floral nightdress and two new pairs of big cotton knickers. ‘Not to be seen by man nor beast,’ she advised. ‘But they’ll cover a multitude until you get back to normal.’

Whenever that would be, if ever. Valerie grimaced as she gave her hair a brush, glad she’d got a shaggy cut again. It was so much easier to manage. She could hear people walking and talking along the corridor and knew that visiting hour had started. She squirted a spray of Apple Blossom on her neck and wrists, packed away her cosmetics, made her way back to the ward and spent a while tidying up her bits and pieces.

Briony’s little face was scrunched up and teary when the nurse brought her back and Valerie took her out of the cot and cuddled her, murmuring soothing endearments until she fell asleep in her arms. She laid her back in her cot and covered her up, and felt suddenly weary.

Valerie eased herself up on the bed, wincing with pain. Piles were the pits, and extra punishment on top of the discomfort after childbirth. She flicked through a magazine but she was too agitated to read. She wished the Egans’ visit was over. She was mortified that they would see her in her dressing gown, but at least she had her make-up on.

Thank you for your kind offer of a party for the christening but we haven’t made a decision on where we’re having it yet
, she practised silently. Just be firm, she told herself, yawning. She settled back against the pillows more comfortably. The sun was shining in on her, making her feel even more lethargic than before. She’d just have a little rest until her visitors came.

‘Don’t wake her up,’ she heard a man’s voice say. Something wet was running down her chin. Valerie came to with a start to see Jeff, Lorcan and Tessa studying her as she gazed at them bleary-eyed.

‘Oh, I must have fallen asleep,’ she murmured, wiping her chin. She was mortified. She had a strong suspicion she had been caught snoring with her mouth open, as well as dribbling.

‘God love you, are you exhausted?’ Tessa said kindly, handing her a gift-wrapped parcel.

‘Er . . . Thanks very much, Mrs Egan,’ she said politely, hoping the other woman wouldn’t kiss her.

‘Tessa – please. “Mrs Egan” makes me feel so old,’ Tessa protested. She didn’t look old, Valerie thought. She looked so healthy and tanned and fit compared to herself. Tessa was wearing black trousers, a cream ribbed polo-neck jumper and a smart grey belted trench coat, which she removed. ‘It’s warm in here,’ she remarked. ‘Can we see the baba?’ She leaned over the cot to take a peep.

‘Have a hold of her,’ Jeff said excitedly.

‘She’s
asleep
!’ Valerie exclaimed, shooting Jeff a glare.

‘Mam won’t wake her.’ Jeff shot a glare right back at her.

Tessa looked at Valerie. ‘Would you prefer if I left her?’ she asked. A strained silence descended as they all turned to look at her.

It would be churlish not to let Jeff’s mother cuddle her new grandchild, Valerie supposed, and besides, Tessa
had
asked. At least she hadn’t swooped down and lifted the baby up without a by-your-leave.

‘Not at all, take her up,’ she said as graciously as she could manage. Tessa needed no second urging. She drew back the blanket, lifted her grandchild out gently and studied her intently.

‘She’s beautiful,’ she breathed, and to Valerie’s surprise Tessa’s eyes filled with tears.

Lorcan threw his eyes up to heaven. ‘She’s an awful woman for the waterworks,’ he said affectionately, peering at his new grandchild over his wife’s shoulder.

‘This is a precious moment,’ Tessa gulped. ‘The first grandchild. Jeff’s daughter. I’m entitled to cry.’

‘See, Valerie thinks she has my chin,’ Jeff pointed out.

‘Thank God she hasn’t your ears,’ Lorcan teased, and they all laughed.

‘She’s a big baby, is she feeding well?’ Tessa stroked Briony’s cheek, sitting on the chair Jeff had acquired for her.

‘Like a horse,’ Jeff said proudly.

‘I was asking Valerie,’ Tessa said, laughing.

‘She’s a good little grubber, thank God,’ Valerie replied, wondering was this the same woman who had been so dogmatic and determined that she and Jeff should not marry. She was much nicer today, much softer. She opened the parcel Tessa had given her and couldn’t help but be delighted at the snug little lilac romper suit and matching coat and bonnet. There were two Prize Bonds in an envelope with Briony’s name on it, and a lovely cotton nightdress and matching négligé for Valerie.

‘These are gorgeous.’ Valerie was surprised that gifts for herself were included. ‘You shouldn’t have gone to such trouble.’

‘It’s not every day you welcome a grandchild into the family,’ Tessa said affably. ‘And she is our first so we have to spoil her. And you can never have enough nighties when you’re feeding a baby yourself, from what I remember of it.’

Thanks, they’ll get a lot of use,’ Valerie acknowledged the other woman’s thoughtfulness.

‘And you’re getting out at the weekend?’ Tessa observed a while later, after some general chitchat about the hospital and the weather and other innocuous subjects. ‘Are you coming down to Rockland’s to stay at your mother’s?’

‘No, I’m going home to the flat. Mam’s coming up to help me out for a few days. I don’t want to be distracting Jeff from his studies.’ Valerie got her little dig in.

‘That’s important too,’ Tessa agreed, and Valerie wasn’t sure if she was unaware of the barb thrown in her direction or was choosing to ignore it.

‘So when do you think you might be down?’ Tessa placed the baby in Lorcan’s arms.

‘I don’t know really, to be honest,’ she said slowly, knowing what was coming.

‘Have you made plans for the christening?’ Tessa probed.

‘No.’

‘Oh! It was just that I was saying to Jeff that we’d love to have a party for the christening to celebrate Briony’s safe arrival. A family hooley for anyone you’d want to invite.’

‘It sounds great,’ Jeff interjected.

Valerie could have flattened him. He knew she wasn’t happy with the idea.

‘Um . . . Well, I haven’t really talked to Jeff about it in detail. I’m not sure if I want to have her christened in Rockland’s. And I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back there yet. Thanks for the offer, Tessa. We’ll let you know, won’t we, Jeff?’ She looked up at her boyfriend, who was lounging over the meal trolley at the end of her bed.

‘Yeah,’ Jeff sighed. ‘We’ll let you know what Valerie decides,’ he said with heavy irony.

‘It’s early days yet, and you’ve enough to be getting used to. There’s plenty of time to arrange parties.’ Lorcan smiled over at her and she could have hugged him for his sensitivity. She was saved from answering by the unexpected arrival of two of her colleagues from work. Perfect timing, thought Valerie as she made a flurry of introductions

‘We should go, we don’t want to tire Valerie out,’ Lorcan said, handing the sleeping baby back to Tessa for a final cuddle.

‘Do you want to put your daughter in her cot?’ she asked Jeff, giving the baby a tender kiss. He took her and placed her gently in the cot while Tessa put her coat on.

‘Thanks very much for coming,’ Valerie said, smiling up at Lorcan. She meant it for him. With Tessa she was merely being polite.