2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (19 page)

My opponent is the type of politician people want to put on a pedestal—and anywhere else you can keep an eye on him.

It's really touching the way some of the delegates went to the convention in their private jets and yachts and limousines. And they really want to identify with the common man. You can tell. It's the first time I ever saw a blue denim mink.

The average delegate was a little on the older side. It's the first time I ever saw anybody take No-Doz to make it to lunch!

I always enjoy a political convention. It's where the delegates act like Lincoln and drink like Grant.

Most political conventions are like a well-run meat market. You have your choice of baloney.

I listened to all the speeches at the convention and you know what I found out? Marcel Marceau isn't the only one who can talk for thirty minutes and not say anything!

I won't say how young some of the delegates were but I know a fella who made a fortune at the convention. He had the rubber duck concession.

A lot of magazines and newspapers printed charts so you could keep your own count on the ballots, and it was really exciting. I know a honeymoon couple who spent the whole night scoring.

They keep talking about committed delegates. The way some of them are voting, maybe they ought to be.

Between speeches and demonstrations, a political convention is where they keep minutes and lose hours!

Show me a politician who wants to rise above petty politics and I'll show you a fella who has the hot air to do it!

Watching your favorite politician on TV for the first time can be a shattering experience. It's like finding out your interior decorator is color-blind.

The truth hurts. So how come you never see a politician wince?

If exercise removes fat, I can't understand why so many politicians have double chins.

A politician is someone who never met a tax he didn't hike.

___________ is trying to eliminate poverty, which is ridiculous. That's all some of us have left!

___________ says he's nobody's man. So do the polls.

The ___________ are the Party of Change. Don't take my word for it. Ask any waiter.

The ___________ Party doesn't really have a plan. It's more like an X-rated movie. You don't know what's coming off next!

The ___________ don't really have a philosophy. They just seem to be against everything the opposition is for. They remind me of the farmer who was watching Robert Fulton build the first steamboat. He said, “It'll never start! It'll never start!” Then Fulton got into the
Clermont,
started the engine, steamed up the river, and the farmer yelled after him, “It'll never stop! It'll never stop!”

Politics and college football have one thing in common: They're no place for amateurs.

A reincarnated Indian who first greeted the Pilgrims in 1620—looked out over the land he once knew and said, “How?”

Industrial waste is 7 million Americans unemployed!

Even business is getting into the ecological act. I just got a bill reading
HELP PREVENT PAPER POLLUTION. PAY NOW AND ELIMINATE A SECOND NOTICE.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery it's a pen that scratches.

Pollution makes you feel like three of the Seven Dwarfs. You start off Sneezy, you wind up Grumpy, and if you put up with it, you gotta be a little Dopey!

One of the biggest problems facing America today is industrial trash. Some of it is being dumped into our rivers—and the rest is being dumped into our stores.

I get so annoyed with the Post Office. Instead of boosting the price of postage, why doesn't it just use smaller stamps?

A little song dedicated to the postal increase: “Let Me Call You, Sweetheart, I Can't Afford to Write.”

First-class postage will be increased ___________ percent. When you start off a letter with “Dear”—you better believe it!

The increased rates will make it possible for the Post Office to use highly sophisticated electronic equipment. Instead of a $300-a-week clerk—your letters will be lost by a $20 million computer!

I keep telling the Post Office they've got to add pizzazz to their operation—like using Bourbon-flavored glue, and every third stamp is on the house!

I'll tell you how bad the mails are. I'm still getting
Collier's
!

I have a collector's item the Post Office would love to get hold of. It's a letter to the Postmaster General marked “
ADDRESS UNKNOWN
.”

Am I wrong? I thought we had a deal with the Post Office. We were going to show a little code and they were going to show a little zip!

Two hundred years ago a letter took three days to go from Boston to New York and it was called progress. Today it's called Special Delivery.

What is happening to this world? We've got a mailman who won't make house calls!

It's very discouraging. The Russians have something that can get to any American city in thirty minutes—and our Post Office doesn't.

When I was a kid we lived a hand-to-mouth existence but we never said a word. And you know why? If we did, we got a hand to the mouth!

My mother used to raise us whale blubber style. If we did something wrong, she'd whale us till we blubbered!

Nowadays a social worker is a person who makes sure that the $260 a month they give a family of four to live on—isn't being spent foolishly. It's like rationing bullets at the Alamo.

We were so poor, the tooth fairy left I.O.U.s.

It must be wonderful to be worth $100 million—to read that good times are coming back and never know they left.

Abraham Lincoln said, “You can't fool all of the people all the time.” He was a great President but a lousy magician.

Two booking agents were watching President Lincoln as he finished the Gettysburg Address. One turned to the other and said, “That's the problem with Abe. Good material, good delivery, good finish-but he can't give you time!”

My parents were so impressed with President Franklin D. Roosevelt, they named my brother after him. Maybe you heard of him—President [
YOUR LAST NAME
].

Did you hear about the prison that's so comfortable, it's known as the Walled-off Astoria?

It's time we stopped coddling criminals. We've had nothing but trouble since we took the electric chair out and put the windup one in!

There are more people in prison than ever before. I wonder if the police are getting better or the lawyers are getting worse?

Encounter groups are marvelous. They teach you how to love friends, neighbors, total strangers, even the downtrodden masses of Asia. Everybody but your mother, father, wife, and kids.

I'll say one thing for touch therapy: What a wild way to get calluses!

Then there's the behavioral scientist who taught a lion to eat only when he heard a bell. Yesterday the lion had five dinners—four steaks and an Avon lady.

People are so uptight these days, I'm writing a book called
The Nervous Gourmet.
The first recipe is southern fried fingernails.

There are only two things to do if you have a nervous breakdown. Go away for a long rest in the country—or get a job on Wall Street where it won't be noticed, [
ADAPT TO YOUR INDUSTRY.
]

A psychiatrist is a doctor who's compassionate for the cash in it.

This fella went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, you gotta help me. I'm involved in a shipboard romance.” The psychiatrist said, “What's so unusual about a shipboard romance?” He said, “I'm in the Navy!”

Some psychiatrists get fifty dollars an hour. It's ridiculous.

How much can a couch cost?

The scene is a psychiatrist's office. A patient is saying, “Doc, you gotta help me. I'm thirty-eight years old and I still wet my bed.” The psychiatrist said, “My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis, five visits a week—fifty dollars a visit.” The fella said, “What's the second way?” The doctor said, “Rubber shorts—two dollars a pair!”

There are all kinds of doctors in the world. There's the general practitioner,
who knows a little about a lot of things. Then there's the specialist, who knows a lot about a few things. But the smartest doctor of them all is the psychiatrist. He doesn't know anything but he gets you to tell him!

One of the greatest jobs in America today is being a psychiatrist. Fifty dollars an hour and all the loose change they can find in the couch!

Did you hear about the lion who went to a psychiatrist? He said, “Doc, I don't know how to put this—but every time I roar, I have to sit through a two-hour movie!”

A fella went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture.” The psychiatrist said, “Well, I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?” He said, “Her driver's license!”

My psychiatrist really believes in positive thinking. There's a sign on the inside of his door saying:
DON'T GO AWAY MAD
!

I go to the world's first discount psychiatrist. It's fascinating. It's the first time I ever saw a Rorschach test in pencil.

An identity crisis is when you take your three kids to get a haircut and you discover two of them aren't yours.

A Madison Avenue executive was taking his ten-year-old daughter through the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She stopped in front of one of the paintings and said, “Who's he?” Her father said, “John the Baptist.” She said, “What did he do?” He said, “PR.”

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, you have a pretty good PR man.

I know a PR man whose wife just got a divorce. His relations were more public than he thought!

My PR man just came up with an idea that could get me mentioned
382 times in the federal budget. All I have to do is change my name to “Deficit.”

I've never been able to get much publicity. When I sing, “Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to Herald Square.” Herald Square says, “Who?”

A young married couple asks: “How far apart should children be spaced?” I'd say about a mile and a half!

Dear Sir: The front stoop.

And now we come to Question Time. What's this? [
MAKE A LOUD POP.
] Give up? It's a lifeguard pulling his foot out of Lake Erie.

If you really want to be healthy, wealthy, and wise—never stand in front of an open window. Especially at Santa Anita!

Have you seen those signs saying:
SPEED KILLS
? I bet on one horse that's gonna live forever!

Slow? Halfway down the stretch he got a ticket for loitering!

I mean, it's one thing to be a little shaky—but whoever heard of a horse with training wheels?

I always bet on those horses that fall apart in the stretch. I bet on one horse that folded so badly, he came in fifth in the race and ninth in the instant replay!

This horse came in so late, he didn't have blinkers. He had headlights!

These two fellas in front of me were talking and one said, “Did you know if you win $600 on a race, they tell the government?” His friend said, “It could be worse.” The first fella said, “What could be worse than telling the government you won $600?” He said, “Telling your wife!”

The worst thing you can do is bring a wife to the racetrack. That's right. If you lose, she gets mad—and if you win, she gets half!

People who think they can beat the horses should always remember that old Italian proverb: The only difference between a champ and a chump is a
u!

Have you noticed how everybody today tries to give you an argument? I called up a radio repairman and said, “I'm getting static in my FM receiver.” He said, “Are you sure it's static?” I said, “No. I have the only radio in town that eats celery!”

The Shadow is the one who covered himself with a cloak of invisibility. If you've never seen anyone cover themselves with a cloak of invisibility—ask your kids to mow the lawn.

There's only one trouble with owning a cloak of invisibility. If you want to get it pressed, you have to go to a dry cleaner who smokes those funny cigarettes.

And I guess you heard what happened to Flash Gordon. Somebody found out what he was flashing.

I think the railroads are putting us on. Yesterday I was on a train where the engineer stopped to ask for directions.

This train was so late, I got home and my wife had remarried.

People may complain about the railroads but I never spent three hours on one circling the station.