2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (5 page)

I knew the boss was going to talk about my salary when he said it's the little things that count.

Now I know why they call it take-home pay.

You wouldn't want to be seen with it in public.

My boss is all heart. He really is. He's the one who tried to buy the lifebelt concession on the
Titanic.

I told my wife the boss saw me today and said, “There's a man on his way up!” She said, “That's great. What were you doing?” I said, “Buying elevator shoes!”

It's all in the way you look at it. Telling the boss what you really think of him can be called honesty, integrity, and self-assertiveness. It can also be called a do-it-yourself recession.

The boss just told us we're going to have a fire sale.

Anyone who doesn't make a sale is going to get fired!

I bought a bumper sticker for my subcompact saying:
HELP SAVE THE REDWOODS OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON
. It wrapped around twice.

Do you think this could start a trend? I saw a bumper sticker saying:
CODDLE EGGS, NOT CHILDREN
!

EATING DRIED BEEF IS JERKY.

AESOP IS ALIVE AND A GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN.

USHERS ARE COMPULSIVE SEATERS
!

LAKE ERIE REALLY IS.

BIRDWATCHERS ARE CHEEP DATES.

FOG IS AN EXTREMIST.

A.A. MEMBERS MAKE SOUSE CALLS.

JACK THE RIPPER IS ALIVE AND WELL AND PROCESSING PARCEL POST.

MAGICIANS ARE A VANISHING SPECIES.

SEN SEN HIDES A MULTITUDE OF GINS.

WELFARE ROLLS COULD USE SOME SHORTENING.

MEXICAN FOOD IS A PEPPER TIGER
!

INTUITION IS A CASE OF MIND OVER DATA.

RACIAL PREJUDICE IS A PIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

SUMMER STOCK IS A USED STAR LOT.

CONSERVATISM IS A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

WATER SKIERS ARE A DRAG.

Getting ahead in business is like owning a twelve-year-old car—the most important thing is push!

I'm so busy, the only breather I've had was an anonymous phone caller.

In business, an ounce of future is worth a pound of past.

Work is important. If it wasn't for work, where would people rest up from vacations?

A partnership is when you hope to get, together.

Frankly, I'm doing very well in business. I have the Murine concession at the [
LOCALIZE
] Bus Terminal.

Business is really looking up. We carpeted our bathroom this year, and if we do as well next year, we're going to carpet the path out to it!

Our corner bakery is very successful because it operates on sound business principles—big profits, small turnovers.

Running a business these days is like Mickey Rooney dancing with Raquel Welch. The overhead is fantastic!

The trouble with most businessmen is, they don't use enough imagination. Like I have an idea that could double the business of any department store in the country. Make all the escalators
UP.

The whole trick to being successful in business is to continually find new markets for your present product. For instance, has anyone ever tried to convince an octopus he needs underarm deodorant?

The free-enterprise system is always coming up with new ways to make money. For instance, there's a new type of barroom. It has free beer and pay washrooms!

I'm getting a little worried about the rat race.

I don't know if I'm slowing up or they're bringing in faster rats!

I made two big mistakes last year. The first big mistake was starting a new business. The second was starting it in a fireproof building.

We should have shown a bigger profit this year except that we did a lot that could be classified as R & D—Real Dumb!

I don't mind telling you, I've made a lot of mistakes in business. I once bought a parking lot that only had room for one car. What made it even worse—I drove to work!

I really don't have too good a business sense. Like, one time I bought the bar concession for A.A. meetings.

A rather disturbing thing happened last week.

A management team came into the office and gave everybody an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for. Most were best suited for unemployment.

Maybe things were better in the days before technology took over. Cigarette lighters didn't work but people did.

I wouldn't say I've been the greatest success in the world. In fact, when they want to teach someone the business from the ground up, they start with my job.

An employee is someone who welcomes suggestions with an open mind—and closed fists.

Yesterday I came home from a business dinner carrying a doggie bag and my wife met me at the door with three little words, “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

I don't know why they call it take-home pay.

I can never get it past the butcher.

Do you know what they're charging for a steak these days? In our neighborhood the kids don't play Cops and Robbers anymore. They play Cops and Butchers.

And if you want to know why they're called butchers, look what they do to your budget!

They take advantage of women. I told my wife, “This morning I went in to our butcher. I said, ‘Let's stop this nonsense. I want something that's lean, red, tender, and it shouldn't cost more than a dollar a pound!' ” My wife said, “What did he give you?” I said, “Raspberry Jell-O.”

That's the thing to be today—a butcher. A butcher shop is where steaks, pork chops, lamb chops, and customers get trimmed.… Not necessarily in that order.

There's a new game called Butcher's Roulette. You take your life savings and you're given the names of six different butcher shops—and one of them is open.

One butcher went to a psychiatrist. He said he was afraid of height. The doctor cured him just like that [
SNAP YOUR FINGERS
]! Told him not to sit on his wallet.

The saddest story I ever heard was about a butcher who wanted to become a brain surgeon but he couldn't afford the cut in pay.

It's incredible. The butchers claim they're not making any money. The wholesalers claim they're not making any money. The ranchers claim they're not making any money. So who's making the money? Sometimes I get the uneasy feeling that somewhere there are cows buying mutual funds!

Have you checked out the price of beef lately?

If anybody says, “Holy cow!”—you better believe it!

Do you know they're charging two dollars a pound for ribs?

I wouldn't pay two dollars a pound for ribs if they were attached to Raquel Welch!

I'll tell you how high meat prices are.

Even plumbers are beginning to notice.

Meat prices are so high, I'm on a very special kind of diet. I go to the butcher shop and eat my heart out!

Did you hear what happened down the street? A housewife walked in and robbed a butcher! There's a switch.

The dictionary has a new definition for beef. That's what you do when the butcher tells you the price.

Unfortunately, we have a butcher who likes to rub it in. I mean, I don't mind his wearing a diamond ring. I don't even mind his smoking two-dollar cigars. It's that mink apron that gets to me!

I'm so naïve. Up until I met this butcher, I never knew Rolls-Royce made a delivery truck.

He doesn't even try to sell you the good cuts of meat anymore. For the last six months the thickest thing he's put on the scale is his thumb!

My wife's a weight watcher. With our butcher you have to be.

My butcher has a very interesting scale.

Yesterday a fly landed on it—4½ pounds!

You know you're in trouble when the butcher puts the wax paper on the scale and that alone weighs thirty-eight cents!

Show me a voice crying in the wilderness and I'll show you a camper who forgot the booze.

You think I'm kidding? I've found that most campers fall into two categories—the backpackers and the six-packers!

Did you hear about the campground that was raided because of a six-pack? Three couples in a sleeping bag.

For those of you who have never gone camping, let me explain it this way: Camping is when you go into the woods and enjoy all the things that if they happened to you at home you'd complain about!

Do you know that camping attracts 24 million every year? Not people—mosquitoes.

And if it isn't mosquitoes, it's moths or bees or hornets or chiggers. There isn't a camper alive who doesn't wish that when the two chiggers crawled side by side into the ark—Noah had gone [
STAMP YOUR FOOT ON THE FLOOR
]!

Believe me, it isn't easy being a camper. You don't know what fear is until you've zipped up your sleeping bag—and the itch on your big toe starts to move!

I don't mind the bugs with two legs. I don't mind the bugs with four legs. I don't even mind the bugs with six legs. But when they start looking like the Rockettes—forget it!

Owning a car wouldn't be half so expensive if it wasn't for two things—parts and labor.

I think all auto mechanics go to the same school—Shaft U.

Let's face it, to you it may be your motor that's knocking. To a mechanic, it's opportunity!

Actually, they don't call them mechanics anymore. Automotive diagnosticians! They've got the white gown; the three buttons on the shoulder; “Don't touch me—I'm sterile!”

These fellas have so much authority; so much poise; so much dignity—it almost makes you proud to have their fingerprints on your seat covers!

They charged me $87 for parts and $350 for labor. I said, “Whose labor?” He said, “My wife's. We just had another kid.”

I couldn't believe this bill. The smallest thing on it was the telephone number!

Did you hear about the automobile mechanic who bought a hospital and he's making a fortune? If you bring in your wife for an operation, they give you a loaner.

It isn't easy being an automobile mechanic. Let's face it, how would you like to stand in the middle of a garage knowing that every car that comes through that door is defective?

I have a great auto insurance policy. If my car is in an accident and it's a total loss, the company pays in full—for the stamp it puts on the letter that cancels my coverage.

Progress is like this. In 1931 you ran into someone and it cost you $50 to have him fixed up. Now you run into someone and it costs you $500 to have the bumper fixed up.

Paying the repair bills on a used car is a case of a lemon putting the squeeze on you!

The automobile is really in trouble. Engineers want to eliminate the steering column, ecologists want to eliminate the engine, and Planned Parenthood wants to eliminate the back seat.

Dear Ralph Nader: Normally I don't get uptight about things like a car, but yesterday my wife said she was going home to Mother—and it wouldn't start.

I think somebody's trying to steal my car.

I see two men pushing it up the street!

I just paid for my automobile insurance and it's a little ridiculous. I had to sell my car to do it!

I drove coast-to-coast in one of those subcompacts that get thirty-five miles to a gallon, and it was really embarrassing. I had to stop at three more gas stations than
it
did!

There are two ways to get your car clean and shiny. The five-minute car wash is when machines do it. Then there's the five-month car wash. That's when you ask your kids to do it.

Sometimes I get the feeling my car was produced in Detroit—by mess production.

I'll tell you what kind of a car I've got. You know how some people use Simoniz on their car? I use lemon wax.

It's the kind of a car you have to keep moving. The minute you stop, people think it's an accident!

In all fairness, this car does go forty-three miles on a gallon. Forty-three miles on a gallon! It gets towed a lot.

You can always tell an experienced car buyer by one thing. They always pick a dealer within walking distance of their home.

I'll tell you what the new cars are like. I've got a '79 that was recalled to Detroit—and it couldn't make it!

Have you seen the 1980 cars? They really look like they can get you where you're going—the poorhouse.

The 1980 cars are a fantastic leap forward in technological achievement. One item alone boggles the imagination—the power tissue dispenser!

Personally, there's only one thing I want to see in a 1980 car—me!

Do you know they charge $400 for a power seat so you can see over the steering wheel? It's ridiculous. I got the same thing and it only cost me a buck and a half—elevator shorts!

When buying a new car, you should always use the A.A.A. technique. The first three prices they give you, you say, “Eh?” [
CUPPING YOUR HAND TO YOUR EAR
].

I bought a new car and right away I had good news and bad news. The good news is that it has something that can withstand damage at up to five miles an hour. The bad news is—it's the tires.

I'll tell you how thin these tires are: Some drivers worry about nails. I worry about mosquitoes.

You know how some cars come with a warranty?

This comes with a tow truck.

I bought this car because the salesman said it was great on gas.

It should be great—it only has one cylinder.

It goes from zero to sixty in eleven days.

You know how with some cars, you want to gun the engine? With this one, it's the guy who sold it to you!

This car is so slow, dogs don't chase it. They catch it!