2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (28 page)

And thanks to women's lib, we're really having some exciting weddings. One preacher said to the bride, “Do you promise to obey?” She said, “Do you think I'm crazy?” And the groom said, “I do!”

And you know the most ridiculous thing you can tell a mother at a wedding? “You're not losing a daughter. You're gaining a son!” At her age, that's all she needs. More children!

A Fire Island wedding ceremony is where they say to the mother of the groom, “Sarah, look at it this way: You're not losing a son. You're gaining a son!”

Two women were talking at a $10,000 catered wedding. One said, “She's just marrying him for a cheap thrill.” The father of the bride tapped her on the shoulder. He said, “Thrill, maybe. Cheap, never!”

You know what a caterer is. That's a vacuum cleaner for money.

I get a little sad when I look at a wedding cake. It always reminds me of middle age—fat on the bottom and thin on top.

Did you ever stop to think that Weight Watchers and women's liberation have the same objective—to cut men down to size?

Is it true Weight Watchers have a new motto:
TUBBY OR NOT TUBBY, THAT IS THE QUESTION
?

Show me a mother who joins Weight Watchers and I'll show you a maximum!

The best place to join a Weight Watchers club is Las Vegas. Do you know what they do in Las Vegas to cheaters?

Is it true that Weight Watchers is making a special appeal to office workers? And anybody else whose problem is stuffed drawers?

Have you ever gone to a Weight Watchers meeting? It's fantastic. Every week these people lose enough weight to build six Mickey Rooneys!

Did you hear about the group of Weight Watchers that expelled one of its members? The one who burped?

I had a weird dream. I was at this big dinner and we had chopped chicken liver, lobster bisque, sirloin steak smothered in fried onions, a baked potato stuffed with sour cream, broccoli dripping with Hollandaise sauce, hot buttered rolls, and pecan pie topped with whipped cream. Then the master of ceremonies stood up and said, “Fellow Weight Watchers …”

King Kong is 90 feet tall and weighs 28,000 pounds. In the new version he's chased by the cops, the Army, the Air Force, and Weight Watchers!

On-the-job training is a device used for office boys, laborers, and Presidents of the United States.

The President had a traumatic thing happen to him this week. He was taking a walk outside the White House when a tourist couple ran up to him with a camera and said, “Mr. President, we know this is a terrible imposition, but would you mind?” The President said, “Of course not.” So they gave him the camera and posed in front of their car.

Someone said the President is ignoring the will of the American people. I didn't even know we had died.

We may have been better off when Presidents tried to make history rather than the eleven o'clock news.

I think it's wonderful the way the White House is economizing. It's the first time I ever drank a '69 vintage and it was Kool-Aid.

My wife is sixteen years old. I think the only reason she married me was to get into R-rated movies.

My wife is half-Irish, half-Italian. When I married her the only thing she made was potatoes—and she mashed them with her feet!

My wife keeps saying, “I want a man who'll look up to me.” So I introduced her to a jockey.

My wife is very hostile. This morning she called me sugar, sweetie, and honey. That doesn't sound hostile? A lot you know—I'm a diabetic!

Yesterday she said, “I should have seen through you when you took me into that store to pick a wedding ring.” I said, “What's wrong with that?” She said, “It was a hardware store!”

My wife is always putting me out of the bedroom. I've spent so much time sleeping on the couch, I have an ingrown cushion.

My wife keeps saying, “I've given you the best years of my life!” I don't know if she wants a divorce or a receipt.

One time I accused my wife of having no sense of humor. She said, “You've got to be kidding. I even have an official document that says I have a sense of humor.” I said, “What document?” She said, “Our marriage license.”

My wife gets mad because I never shave on weekends. She says if I'm away and she gets lonesome, she kisses a Brillo pad.

My wife has a truck rental attitude toward garbage. Whenever it has to be taken out, she says, “U-Haul!”

After every Saturday night party, I always send flowers to my wife. If I don't know why, she does!

Let's be practical about this. The only time you should ever put a wife on a pedestal is when the ceiling needs painting.

If you really want to make your wife feel good, the next time she comes out of the shower, say, “I like that outfit. I saw one just like it in
Playboy.
”

I found out how my wife feels about food on our very first date. I took her home and she slipped into something cool—the refrigerator!

My wife is always looking for bargains. She has the only wig in town with split ends.

My wife has a wig that's made in Germany. So far three combs have confessed!

Talk about shrewd. I know a fella who gave his wife six different wigs. No matter what color hair she finds on his collar, he's covered!

Men, take my advice. Don't ever buy a cheap toupee. Now I'm losing hair that isn't even mine!

I love to get up on these cold winter mornings—when there's a real nip in the smog!

Isn't this weather invigorating? I was telling my neighbor, “Every morning I get up and jig for twenty minutes.” He said, “You mean jog.” I said, “Jig. The door sticks on our bathroom!”

Yesterday the temperature went down to zero. First time I ever saw anybody mugged for their mittens!

You know, I could never understand why they make kids wear mittens.
Like, that's all a five-year-old needs—something to make him more clumsy!

Having spent a good part of the last six months pushing a lawn mower, I look forward to winter. Winter is nature's way of freezing your grass off.

I know a long-suffering husband who has just one complaint about November. Not only is the frost on the pumpkin but he thinks a little of it got on his wife.

Our storm windows have really kept my wife warm this winter. I didn't put them up and is she hot about it.

X-rated movies are ideal for cold weather. At least you have a reason for coming out with your collar turned up.

I don't mind telling you, I had one of the most marvelous Januarys ever. I took up smoking, drinking, gambling, and running around with women—just so I'd have something to give up for Lent!

January is when you buy the forty-five dollars' worth of Christmas cards at half price—you won't be able to locate next December.

Women are indeed an admirable sex. Through the centuries they've been wept upon, stepped upon, crept upon, and slept upon—and yet they still find something in men to love!

Did you ever get the feeling that women's liberation has gone too far? I mean, I just heard the Boston Moms Orchestra.

Then there's the women's liberation breakfast cereal. It goes snap, crackle, and mom!

“I know a fella who gets very upset when he's called a male chauvinist pig.”

“He's a liberal?”

“He's a rabbi.”

I went to a Women's Liberation Wild Boar Barbecue and was having
a wonderful time until I realized what I was eating—a male chauvinist pig.

Women's liberation has done wonders for the guilt feelings of American men. Yesterday I had a seat on a crowded bus and a woman was standing in front of me. I said, “Pardon me, but are you a member of women's liberation?” She said, “Yes, I am.” I said, “Is that the organization that wants women to stand on their own two feet?” She said, “Yes, it is.” I said, “Right on!”

Psychological warfare is a husband saying, “You want equal rights? Okay—
you
kill the mouse!”

Thanks to women's liberation, women are now the absolute equals of men. Men have always believed in free love. Now women believe in free love. Men have always raised hell on Saturday night. Now women raise hell on Saturday night. Men have always picked up the check. Now women raise hell on Saturday night.

There's a lot of talk about women's liberation, but when all is said and done, men still have the last word. It's “Yes, dear.”

Women are confused as to which sexual identity to assume. I know my wife is. She still nags but in a much deeper voice.

I'll believe in women's liberation when it spends $2 million to build a home for unwed fathers.

The Middle East deadlock is like a bagel. The longer it lasts, the harder it is to break.

The nice part about having rotten kids is, you don't feel so guilty about the world you're giving them.

If the meek ever do inherit this earth, my advice to them is get a good lawyer and fight the case!

Fascism is never having to say you're sorry.

It shows you how times have changed. In 1848 Karl Marx wrote: “Workers of the world, unite!” And it was called communism. Now it's called X-rated movies.

X pictures are the ones you have to worry about. You're never sure if X is the rating or the signature of the people who made them!

The Germans have a way with words. They don't call them X-rated movies—Puffinpantinflickenlooken!

You can't win. I wanted to see an X-rated movie and the cashier wouldn't sell me a ticket. Said she had a headache.

I saw my first X-rated movie last night and I was so shocked, I could hardly sit through it the third time.

I'm involved in a rather interesting experiment. I'm trying to convince my wife the movies I go to are not rated X. It's a V with an arch support.

Isn't that sweet? An X-rated movie house went out of business and they held a bon voyeur party.

Anyone who can yawn at an X-rated movie is suffering from indecent composure.

My neighbor is suffering from a skin problem. Spent six hours in an X-rated movie.

Don't you feel a little foolish, necking in a drive-in movie, when up on the screen they're doing it so much better?

I saw another movie they called a “family picture.” I don't know who the family is but I think it's De Sade!

And the service in these theaters is fantastic. An usher leads you in and a cop leads you out!

Those adult movies are becoming more realistic. They just made one for couples who have been married twenty-five years. The fella walks into this room stark naked and the girl has a headache.

My wife and I went to see an X-rated movie at a drive-in theater and it
was fascinating. I came back from the washroom and I said, “What did I miss?” She said [
POINTING TO EITHER SIDE
], “Two of that and one of that!”

I was watching one of these movies and the fella sitting next to me said, “In thirty years I haven't seen anything like this!” I said, “You've been a movie fan for thirty years?” He said, “No. A gynecologist!”