2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (9 page)

Busing is when you move into a ghetto so your kids can go to a good school.

A cashew is a peanut with back trouble.

Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation. It's like the word “obey” in the marriage ceremony.

An efficiency expert is someone who puts Murine in his grapefruit.

FAIL SAFE:
What you can do when your family has money.

FIREPROOF:
What you are when you have something on the boss.

LAST RITES:
What you hear just before a yes-man is fired.

OVERWEIGHT:
What happens when you take the butter with the sweet.

PATIENCE:
What you have when your boss makes the mistake.

A realist is a husband who hears his wife say, “I'll be ready in a moment” and picks up something to read—
War and Peace
!

Recycling is a fella who sells a million dollars' worth of insurance—and then marries the beneficiary.

Speed reading is what you do when one of your fellow employees is cashing his check.

Did you ever get the feeling that your teeth are twenty years older than the rest of you?

I don't want to complain about my dentist but last night I went to a dinner and swallowed 1,500 calories—and this was just in fillings.

Yesterday I called up my dentist and I said, “Doc, I don't mean to be critical, but every time I eat I have to use tenderizer.” He said, “Lots of people use tenderizer.” I said, “In soup?”

I'm at that age where biting into a jelly apple brings me three things—memories, nostalgia, and a fifty-dollar bill from my dentist.

I often wondered how my dentist could net $200,000 a year. Then my gold inlays rusted.

My dentist really charges. Last week he put in a crown. I think it belonged to Queen Elizabeth!

Gold is now worth [
USE LATEST FIGURE
] an ounce. I'll tell you how I found that out. I was mugged by a dentist.

I just read an interesting piece of science fiction. It's about an orthodontist who goes bankrupt.

Today we'd like to pay tribute to Howard Cosell's dentist. The only man who has ever seen him with his mouth open and not talking.

I love to talk after getting a shot of novocaine.

It's the only time I can imitate Buddy Hackett.

I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can't put in your mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon!

Even marriage changes. Ten years ago I put my wife on a pedestal. Yesterday I put her on a diet.

The whole secret of dieting is willpower. You know what willpower is. That's going to a topless restaurant and looking at the menu!

My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It's called a food bill.

I don't mind telling you, I'm very discouraged. I've come to the conclusion the only way I'm going to have a young-looking body is to wear a diaper.

Where else but in America could you get an advertising piece that costs $50,000 to design, $500,000 to print, offers $2,000,000 in prizes—and what is it called? Junk mail!

Because of the postal increases, some American firms are going to eliminate direct mail advertising. It'll be the first time in history a postage stamp ever licked
us!

Remember the good old days when the only time you heard the word “dissent” was in Brooklyn post offices? “Lady, you want dis sent?”

Do you ever get the feeling that radicals have 12 million spokesmen and one listener?

I spent Sunday morning listening to a vocal minority group—the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

There's so much anger in the world. Yesterday the tire of a used car kicked
me.

Personally, I think all this fighting and screaming and yelling and brawling is good for kids. It prepares them for marriage.

People are so angry these days. I know a fortune-teller who no longer reads palms—fists!

I feel good tonight. My wife is always trying to keep up with the neighbors. Yesterday they got a divorce.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

My uncle. He's a divorce lawyer.

You have to excuse me. I'm a little upset these days. I'm going through a change of wife.

They say one picture is worth ten thousand words. I found that out in divorce court. My lawyer had ten thousand words and my wife had one picture—of me and my secretary, But I felt pretty good about getting a divorce in California because everything is community property. Then I talked to my wife—Sarah Community.

All I can say is: The man who said, “Talk is cheap”—never said, “I do.”

But the biggest expense in getting a divorce isn't the lawyer's fee. It isn't even the settlement. It's editing all those home movies.

I saw a marriage break up so fast, the two figures on the wedding cake were lawyers.

They got a divorce on the morning after their wedding. It doesn't make sense. How bad could breakfast have been?

Can you imagine getting a divorce on the morning after your wedding? The biggest problem would be who gets custody of the toast!

What could happen so fast? On the morning after my wedding, I was still trying to unhook her bra!

Even their friends knew the marriage wasn't going to work out. Six of the wedding checks were postdated.

The only time I really get upset with my daughter is on the first of the month, when I write out those three checks—to the caterer, the obstetrician, and the divorce lawyer.

I just got back from the doctor's. I swear, there are so many things wrong with me, I don't know whether I was made in heaven or Detroit!

I've had so many tongue depressors in my mouth, my three favorite flavors are vanilla, chocolate, and wood!

There are two things that always upset me about going to a doctor's office. When they leave the door ajar—and when they hand you one!

I've learned one thing about doctors. After an examination, a long, slow, thoughtful, confident nod means: “Your guess is as good as mine.”

He's a very thorough doctor. One time I had German measles. He gave me two shots—East and West!

If you really want to bug a doctor, it's easy. When he says, “Strip to the waist!”—take off your pants!

I'm beginning to wonder about this doctor. I mean, it's all right to take out my appendix and my tonsils—but through the same incision?

My doctor said I had a trick knee. I didn't believe him until it asked me to take a card.

There are two things about my doctor that worry me. One—he writes all of his prescriptions in Latin. Two—Latin is a dead language.

Let's be honest, my doctor has made some monumental mistakes. If you want to see the monuments, they're in [
LOCAL CEMETERY
].

I'll tell you how I know this doctor is a quack. Last year I waited three months for the result of my physical and it said I had only two weeks to live!

My doctor doesn't exactly have a bedside manner.

Last night he told the president of the Excedrin Company to take two aspirin and call him in the morning.

My doctor has a peculiar sense of humor. Yesterday he fitted me for a combination neck brace, back support, and hernia belt. Said I should wear it in good health!

I once called up an internist at two o'clock in the morning and I said, “Doc, I want you to make a house call. Now get out your pad and pencil and I'll tell you where to go.” You know, I didn't have to? He told me first!

It's so unusual for a doctor to make a house call, if I ever came home and found a doctor in my wife's bedroom—she'd better have her clothes off!

A husband goes into a doctor's office and says, “Doc, I want to talk to you about my wife. Sex with Sarah is like the Fourth of July!” The doctor says, “You mean it's like firecrackers and skyrockets and Roman candles all put together?” He says, “No. I mean it only happens once a year.”

Either I'm getting older or doctors are getting younger. I know a brain surgeon who's so young, they don't give him rubber gloves—rubber mittens!

We have one of those very young doctors and I think he spent most of his time in medical school demonstrating. I'll tell you what I mean. My wife is in her eighth month and he still thinks it's something she ate.

I know how a pediatrician could make a fortune. All he has to do is work like a TV repairman. If something goes wrong with the kids, he takes them back to the shop!

But if you really want an experience, go to a chiropractor. You can't believe what chiropractors do to you. The pulling, the shoving, the twisting, the cracking. By the time I left I had signed one check and three confessions.

Personally, I've never read the Hippocratic oath that doctors take—but I think it's against poverty.

I think one of the first things they teach kids in medical school is, “The leg bone's connected to the thigh bone; the thigh bone's connected to the hipbone; and the hipbone's connected to the wallet!”

You know what bothers me? When a doctor says he's treating you—then he sends you a bill for fifty-five dollars!… I don't mind getting caught with my pants down, but at least it should be for a flu shot!

I just got my doctor's bill from when I had walking pneumonia. I think he charged me by the mile!

He's the kind of doctor who has two cars. A Rolls to go to the golf course and a Volkswagen to go to IRS.

I won't say what he does with his money but he has the only rug in town that crinkles.

I have a very practical doctor. He told me I had low blood pressure. Then he gave me something to raise it—his bill.

Show me the doctor who makes house calls and I'll show you a fella who once had his Bentley disallowed by Internal Revenue.

A dog is a great thing to have in this city. When you go out for a walk, he protects you from the muggers you would never get to see if you didn't have to take this dog out for a walk!

I'll tell you how many dogs are in this town. Where else have you ever seen a fire hydrant with a
NO VACANCY
sign?

Misery is having the only tree on a block with forty-two dogs.

My dog loves to eat those low-priced pet foods that are filled with grain and oats, because I use psychology. I convinced him he's a horse!

There are all kinds of dog food on the market. Some taste like the liver of a calf. Others like the breast of a chicken. We buy one that dogs can't resist. Tastes like the leg of a sofa.

We have a dog who loves to chew up furniture.

You know how some dogs have worms? He has termites!

We call him Spot. He's not a Dalmatian.

It's what he does to the rug.

The way people pamper their pets is ridiculous. Have you heard the latest? Elevator paws for dachshunds!

Did you hear about the fox terrier who won a million-dollar lottery, bought an exclusive apartment house, and wouldn't allow landlords?

Did you hear about the two dogs who were watching an X-rated movie in a drive-in theater? Finally one nudged the other and said, “How do you like that? And us they throw water on!”

I wish they wouldn't keep referring to the American dollar as stable. You know what's found in stables.

Our money has really lost its value in Europe. Yesterday a tourist threw three American coins in the fountain—and got a summons for littering.

The Europeans claim we're just grinding out printing press money. I didn't believe it until I saw the new dollar bill. It says
IN GUTENBERG WE TRUST.

It's embarrassing. Last week the dollar dropped so fast, George Washington got the bends.

You've heard of the Chinese water torture? This is the American dollar torture. Those little drops can drive you crazy.

Years ago it was kids who didn't know the value of the dollar. Now it's Britain, France, Germany, and Japan.

I wish they'd stop saying the dollar needs more support. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a varicose dollar.

Did you ever figure to see the day when dollars to doughnuts was an even bet?

Circumstances alter cases. So do bartenders.

“America needs a return to the basic standards of morality, integrity, and honesty!” said the bartender as he rang up the price of a martini—fifteen cents.

Drinking never hurt anybody—and if you listen to the Top Forty, it helps!

My local bar has a carry-out service. You sit there for three hours and what they carry out is you.

I had a tragedy in the family this week. My drinking uncle was run over by a steamroller. Do you know what it's like being run over by a steamroller? I must say my aunt held up pretty well through the service, right up until they started to lower the envelope into the ground.

I didn't know my neighbor drank until he added a 20 percent tip to something—his income tax!

Drink? He does so much falling down, the neighbors think he's a lawn ornament.

Twenty years ago my neighbor's wife said, “Lips that touch liquor will never touch mine!” Maybe you know her. She's the one with the dusty lips!

My wife drinks and it's not her fault. It's my fault. Every time I pour her a cocktail, I tell her, “Say when!”—and she stutters.

I'll tell you how I found out my wife drinks. She had to give up Spanish dancing. Every time she put a rose between her teeth, it died.