2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (10 page)

I had a fascinating experience yesterday. I woke up with a hangover, dropped an icebag on my head, put on my shorts, staggered out to the dinette—and my wife won a double broiler for the most original way to start off a Tupperware party.

My wife is so innocent, when I go out at night she thinks I'm attending a school for portrait painters. Because every time I call her up, she hears someone saying, “Draw one and put a head on it!”

The only trouble with drinking beer is, it makes you feel like a fuel truck—round, heavy, and full of gas!

Is it true that hell serves the finest wines ever bottled? The only problem is, you have to drink them at room temperature.

You really have to know what you're doing when you buy wine. I paid eighty dollars for a case of Château Pierre le Déceptionnaire. Château Pierre le Déceptionnaire! Then I found out what that meant in English—Sneaky Pete!

Being a public speaker isn't all good food, good hotels, and good company. There are many disappointments as well, [
POUR FROM A DECANTER
INTO A MARTINI GLASS.
] Many disapointments. [
HOLD UP THE GLASS.
] For instance, this is water.

I have a foolproof method to overcome stage fright. You know how that great orator Demosthenes used to fill his mouth with pebbles to prepare himself for public speaking? Well, just before I came out here—I, too, filled my mouth with something. A double martini!

I don't drink much myself. I'm one of those Don Juan drinkers. Juan and I'm Don!

Speaking of drinking, did you hear about that new group called the P.T.A.A.A.? It's parents and teachers who drink for a very good reason—because they're parents and teachers.

There's another group called B.A.A.A. It's for nudists who want to stop drinking.

I love to watch the St. Patrick's Day parade. I won't say there's a lot of drinking going on, but it's the first time I ever saw a band march sideways.

Two mosquitoes were flying along and one said, “Look down there. It's Dean Martin!” The other mosquito said, “You bite him. I'm driving!”

A topless bar is where you can always find a friendly face—and nobody watching it.

I'll never forget the first time I tried to puzzle out a road map. I was going to Florida and I sensed something was wrong when I stopped to ask someone for directions—Nanook.

People are so trusting. They use road maps to get places the best way. The best way is usually the shortest way. The shortest way uses the least gas. Road maps come from filling stations. They make their money by selling you more gas. What makes you think those maps are accurate?

Fellas who drive with their girl friends right beside them sometimes engage in premarital wrecks.

I've only had one accident in my life. I crashed into the gate of a nudist camp. Someone came running out and said, “Why didn't you look where you were going?” I said, “I couldn't. I was too busy going where I was looking!”

Yesterday I broke down on the freeway and one of those emergency trucks charged me twenty-five dollars to pull me off. I think it was the abominable towman.

He pulled me into this garage and the first thing I saw was a big sign saying:
WE OPERATE A CASH BUSINESS.
And they do. They get the cash and you get the business.

She was a very tense girl. I never knew if she had a nervous tic or she was planning to make a right-hand turn.

Yesterday my son came home and said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test.” I said, “Great! Now what's the bad news?” He said, “They were pedestrians.”

Now my son wants a new car. I said, “You gotta be kidding. There's one whole fender you haven't used yet!”

What's happened to school kids? I can remember when they played
KICK THE CAN.
Now it's
KICK THE HABIT
!

Every time I hear the name “dope peddler,” I wonder if that refers to the product or the customer.

Every college campus in America is faced with a dope problem. If you don't believe it, take a look at the marks.

Hi there—and you certainly are.

I know the bars close on Election Day, but aren't you stocking up a little early?

You know what I like about him? He knows just when to stop. It was March 4th, 1952.

Sir, would you mind sitting down? You've made alcoholic. Try for being anonymous.

Sir, would you mind moving back a bit? Your breath is making my eyes water.

Sir, would you mind facing the other way?

Your breath is melting my cuff links.

You know how African pygmies destroy their enemies by blowing into a poisoned dart gun? With his breath, he wouldn't need the darts.

Please! Don't serve him any more. That's like giving Murine to a peeping Tom.

Isn't he amazing? I have cassettes that take more time to get loaded.

This may be hard to believe, but I happen to know he won the 1979 American Outdoorsman of the Year Award. In 1979, he was thrown out of more doors than any other man in America!

Sir, when you leave would you mind taking the freight elevator? That's what we use for something that's loaded.

Two drunks were talking in a bar and one said, “I got all kinds of troubles. Every night my kids are out till two in the morning!” The other drunk said, “What are they doing?” The first drunk said, “Looking for me!”

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at a
Playboy
centerfold, called over the bartender, and said, “Pardon me, but could you tell me what this is?” The bartender looked and said, “It's a girl.” The drunk said, “It couldn't be. That's what I married!”

Drink? He's spent more time weaving than Burlington Mills!

I wouldn't say he's an alcoholic. He just has the same problem as the moon rocket. He can't go anywhere without a blast.

He's one of those shrewd drunks. One time I saw him finish six martinis in an hour. I said, “You must really like to drink.” He said [
À LA W. C. FIELDS
], “Not at all, my good man. Not at all!” I said,
“Well, what do you call six martinis in an hour?” He said, “Necessity. My wife sent me out for a jar of olives and Safeway is closed!”

If you're in California and you feel a tremor, there are two things to remember. Number one: Run to a doorway for safety. Number two: The doorway should be in New York!

Did you hear about the world's laziest bartender?

He puts all the mixings for a whiskey sour in a cocktail shaker, goes out to ___________, and waits!

___________ is a wonderful place to live.

I just wouldn't want to bake a cake there!

If you really think practice makes perfect—
watch the government manage the economy.

It's fascinating the way the Administration describes the state of the economy. As I understand it, we've reached the lowest peak in history.

Washington says the economy is turning the corner.

I'll tell you one thing—it isn't doing it on two wheels!

They say the economy is bouncing back. I have news—so are my checks!

We now have a seat-belt economy. Everybody is walking around strapped!

Do you realize how many economic advisers the President has? Talk about excess prophets!

I'm beginning to think the Administration's economic soothsayers are more inclined to soothe than to say.

You can tell the economy is improving. Two more raises and my take-home pay will equal my deductions.

The economy is really booming. You can tell.

Last week Detroit sold three more cars than it recalled.

I'm a little worried about the economy. I just got a check from the government and it said: “
DO NOT FOLD, BEND, SPINDLE, MUTILATE, OR CASH.
”

Capitalism is like this: Forty years ago lead was added to gasoline, and the price went up. Now lead is being removed from gasoline, and the price went up.

I have two terrible worries. One worry is that we may never get back to the good old days. And the second worry is—these may be them!

A school principal today is someone who tells the graduating class that they are the hope of America—while fingering his Swiss bankbook.

“PTA” means different things to different people. If you're a parent, it means Parents Threatening Action. If you're a school administrator, it means Principals Taking Aspirin.

What is happening to this world? This morning I dialed a number and said, “I'd like to talk to Bertram T. Partridge, dean of the Perfect Diction Institute.” A voice said, “Thpeaking!”

Apathy is so common in America today, one school is giving a course in advanced shrugging.

Breathes there the voter, with soul so dead, who hasn't looked at the winners and softly said, “What have I done?”

Closing the bars on Election Day makes sense. It's the next day, when you read the results, that you need the drink!

Did you ever get the feeling that if they put a space on the ballot labeled
NONE OF THE ABOVE
—it would get 98 percent of the vote?

I have no problems with voting this year. I just listened to what the [
PARTY
] had to say about each other—and took them at their word.

Breathes there the man, with soul so dead, who never to himself has said, “Maybe I should have voted for Harold Stassen!”

Just before I went into the voting booth I said to myself, “Should I listen to the voice of my conscience?” Then I thought, “Naaaah! Who wants to take advice from a total stranger?”

I never knew I needed glasses until Election Day. I went into the polling place, closed the curtain, pulled the lever, and then I heard a sound I had never heard in a voting booth before—flushing!

An election year is when you rent a tuxedo for $30 and your wife buys a dress for $200, so you can go to a dinner that costs $500—to elect a two-bit politician.

I don't want to say anything about our elected officials but pigeons are attracted by crumbs—and you'll notice how many there are at City Hall.

Recycling means different things in different areas. In Washington, recycling is waste paper. In Texas, it's water. In Cook County, it's votes.

A voting machine is like a slot machine.

If you're not lucky, you can wind up with lemons.

It isn't easy being a voter. I've been stepped on so many times, I have a broadloom tie!

You have to feel sorry for the losers after a national election. Suddenly they're as prominent as the banjo part in Beethoven's Fifth.

Almost being elected is like almost beating a train to a crossing.

As one politician put it, “I was beaten fair and square and I'm gonna send my opponent a nice, warm, friendly note of congratulations. Tell me, how many
k
's in skunk?”

One candidate was beaten so badly, they put a sign across his campaign headquarters:
OPENED BY MISTAKE
!

I'm really worried. Either we've had an exceptionally cold winter or my wife is carrying on with the oil man!

You think you're confused? Look at the electric company. They're telling us to cool it by turning off our air conditioners!

Ninety-degree weather is when electric companies and sixty-year-old bridegrooms worry about the same thing—power failure.

AFTER A POWER FAILURE:
I'd like to say something about [
LOCAL UTILITY
]. I don't mind defrosting my refrigerator—but I'd like it to be my choice!

Do you think they're trying to tell us something? The electric company is running a contest. First prize is a gas range.

POWER MAD
is what you get when the electric company tells you not to use the appliances that ten years ago they told you to buy!

We have a marvelous electric company in my hometown. Last year it grossed $4 million and netted $58. And it wouldn't have made that if it hadn't added a sideline—candles!

Last month my wife decided to save money on electricity. We didn't turn on any lights; we didn't watch TV; we didn't play the radio; we even unplugged the refrigerator. The electric bill for thirty-one days was eight cents. It would have been zero but [
ELECTRIC COMPANY
] kept ringing the bell to find out what was wrong!

What a great idea for executives who drink—

Listerine-flavored whiskey!

The newest trend in management is very young executives. Companies are hiring twenty-three-year-old presidents for their youthful thinking and it works. A company treasurer went into the chief executive's office and said, “We owe $32 million, we have no operating capital, and the banks are calling in their loans. What'll we do?” And here's where the twenty-three-year-old president summoned up
all of his youthful expertise. He said, “First—round up all the deposit bottles!”

I know a corporate vice-president who's so young, it's embarrassing. He was involved in a child-molesting case. What made it so embarrassing—he was the child!

The Department of Health sent a mobile chest X-ray unit into our neighborhood—and thanks to the new fashions, we have a lot of mobile chests to X-ray.

The no-bra look is when a lot more interesting sights than the red, red robin come bob, bob, bobbin' along.

The problem with having a liberated no-bra type girl in your office is—she may work but nobody else does.

Getting used to the no-bra look takes time. Then again, who's in a hurry?

What with slit skirts and X-rated movies, there are very few things today that are “out of sight!”

You know why this trend towards nudity won't last?

Women will never be happy wearing the same outfits.

And now for our helpful, handy, homely, household tip: Girls, if you want to change your short skirts into long skirts without spending one cent on alterations, it's easy. Walk on your knees!