2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (4 page)

As the nude ballplayer said to the coach, “Center fielder? I thought you said centerfolder!”

[
NAME OF BASEBALL PLAYER IN THE DOGHOUSE
] is doing such a fantastic job, yesterday the fans got together and gave him something—a ten-yard head start.

I'll say one thing for the [
LOSING TEAM
]. I didn't think anything could be in the cellar this long and not be an oil heater.

I feel a little sorry for the [
LOSING TEAM
]. They finished so far back, they came in fourth in another League—the Little.

You know who should have the world's greatest baseball team? Mexico! You drink the water down there and you better reach home!

A real fan is someone who thinks there's something wrong with his TV set—because every time he turns it on, the [
CELLAR TEAM
] lose.

The San Diego Padres are enough to make you give up one or the other—baseball or religion.

I don't know what's happening to this world.

I just saw a bubble gum card that folds out.

I was walking downtown when a girl stopped me who must have been a major league umpire. She kept saying, “Play? Ball?”

My daughter isn't very athletic, so you can understand why I'm a little upset about her last letter. She said she made the basketball team.

If you have to go in for a sport, forget golf—take up basketball. You don't get wet on rainy days; there's no walking; and the holes are the right size!

A basketball coach just came up with a terrific idea to get eight-foot players—seven-foot girls!

Everything is relative. To Toulouse-Lautrec, Napoleon was a basketball player!

You know what bothers me at the beach? Those girls who lie face down in the sand and then unhook the top of their bathing suits. It's enough to give you the peeps!

Have you seen the latest? There's a nude-look bathing suit that's so realistic, it comes with stretch marks.

I won't say what bathing suits like this do to a normal, red-blooded American boy—but I was looking at one when a terrible thing happened. Somebody stepped on my tongue!

Did you hear about the girl who was a sensation at the beach? All she wore was a wrap—Saran!

I said to her, “There's something about that bathing suit I really like.” She said, “It's nothing.” I said, “That's it!”

I'll tell you one thing. Anyone who says this country is in bad shape hasn't been to the beach lately.

It's one of those Bill Bailey beaches. You take one look at what the girls are wearing and you don't want to go home!

They say you should never go swimming right after a heavy meal and I never knew why. So one day I tried it and now I know why. You take four strokes, burp once, and you're right back where you started.

I like to watch the way people go into the ocean for the first time. Especially the ones who take five steps into the water and then go like this: [
DUNK QUICKLY, BENDING YOUR KNEES SO THAT YOUR BODY DIPS DOWN AND THEN BACK AGAIN
]. I've heard of testing water with your elbow, but this is ridiculous!

This is the time of the year when they hold all those big beauty contests. You know what a beauty contest is. That's where ten gorgeous girls are in bathing suits—and five middle-aged judges are in heaven!

There's only one drawback for a fella my age in being a beauty contest judge. There's no money but you do get your meals. All day long you eat your heart out!

I went up to the fella running the beauty contest and I said, “Are you the head judge?” He said, “Yes. I'm the head judge!” I said, “Good. I'll take the legs!”

If you ask me, there's only one thing better than being a judge in a beauty contest. Being the tape measure!

It's fascinating talking to the contestants. The first girl said, “I'm a perfect 36 and tip the scales at 110.” The second girl said, “I'm a perfect 38 and tip the scales at 115.” The third girl said, “I'm a perfect 44—and the scales don't tip. I do!”

You should have seen this girl. I've never seen skin so well organized in all my life!

We watched
Ben Hur
on television, and wasn't that a great chariot race? Charlton Heston cut off the driver on his right; sideswiped the one on his left; rammed the one up ahead. Then came that wonderful scene where they canceled his insurance!

And during most of the picture, Charlton Heston was wearing this Roman miniskirt. It was fascinating. Now I know why they called him Ben Hur.

Ben Hur
is the story of the early Christians. Today we still have early Christians. They're the ones who get to sit in the back of the church.

If God had believed in permissiveness, He would have given us the Ten Suggestions.

As Moses said to the multitude when he showed them the Ten Commandments, “You might say they're nonnegotiable demands.”

Two priests of the Golden Calf are listening to Moses tell the multitude about the Ten Commandments. Finally, one leans over to the other and says, “Eight years of grammar school, four years of high
school, four years of college, four years of seminary, here we are on our first gig, and who comes along—Big Mouth!”

The multitude was very upset over getting the Ten Commandments, and so was God. He had dictated fifteen!

Youth has turned to religion. You can tell.

Last week I was mugged for my Bible.

The latest thing is musical versions of the Bible.

It's incredible. One of them has Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John singing: “If They Asked Me, I Could Write a Book.”

Sometimes I wonder if the Bible is good for business. Like if the meek do inherit the earth, who's going to collect the bills?

When it comes to birth control, you just can't beat a good fight!

If you're living with your wife's parents, the best birth control device is a bed that squeaks!

They now have a foolproof method of birth control. If you and your wife want to start a family, you call them up, and they send over a teenager.

My name is [
FIRST NAME
] O. [
LAST NAME
]. I was an unplanned addition to our family. The O stands for “Ooops.”

My mother had eight kids. To her, birth control was making it to the delivery room.

Now here's the plan: We combine Raid and the Pill.

It's for people who want to get the bugs out of their sex life.

They just came up with a legal definition of the Pill.

It's an accessory-before-the-sack!

Shakespeare was so far ahead of his time, he even wrote a play about the Pill. It's called
Love's Labour's Lost.

A modern girl is someone who takes vitamin pills to put her in shape and birth control pills to keep her that way.

Girls, you just can't win. If you take the Pill, you get side effects. And if you don't take the Pill, you get front effects.

Birth control will never work. Somehow I just can't see proud grandparents showing off pictures of the Pill.

According to the Census Bureau, the birth rate has dropped dramatically. I don't know what's happening to this country. We have movies that are rated X and bedrooms that are rated G.

England also has a declining birth rate but over there it's a different problem. Have you ever heard “The Anniversary Song” in England? “Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed; we never made love 'cause we're much too well bred!”

When it comes to birthday parties, mothers fall into two groups. Those who think a birthday party for twenty-four five-year-old kids can be organized, educational, and fun—and those who have had one!

You can always tell the experienced parents at a children's birthday party. They don't give the kids napkins—drop cloths!

Yesterday my wife held a birthday party for two dozen five-year-olds. I asked her how it went. She said, “Don't ever let me forget the Pill.”

A kid's birthday party is very educational. One of the first things you learn is never to serve five gallons of lemonade in a house with two bathrooms.

It was like a traffic jam. You've never seen so many people stop and go!

And it's just amazing the names mothers teach their kids for this. One little kid came running up and said, “I have to wee-wee!” I said, “Wee-wee?” A second kid said, “I have to tinkle.” A third kid said, “I have to number-one.” A fourth kid said, “I have to sissie.” A fifth kid said, “I have to go to the bathroom.” I said to the first kid, “Is
that what you have to do—go to the bathroom?” He said, “No more.”

Thanks to mothers, Berlitz has a brand-new language:

Spanish, French, German, and Potty!

It's amazing how many Sweet Sixteen parties are canceled because of sickness—morning sickness.

I don't want to start any trouble, but have you noticed how a lot of people celebrate their birthdays television style? They celebrate their thirty-fifth birthday, and every year after that is a rerun!

Birthday presents can be expensive. One time we gave our daughter a doll that drinks and wets. Cost us ten dollars for the doll and forty-five dollars to retrain the dog.

I bought my son a bicycle for his birthday and I hid it where he'll never find it—his bathtub.

My boss has a peculiar sense of humor. For my birthday he gave me an antique bed warmer—a seventy-year-old call girl.

You know those body-building schools? My agent submitted me to one and the next day he called me up. He said, “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, they want you to pose for before and after pictures with Don Knotts.” I said, “That's great. What's the bad news?” He said, “You're the before.”

I have the kind of figure that looks great in tapered shirts. Particularly if I wear them upside down.

I don't want to complain about my body, but I didn't know God made Edsels.

Every morning I get up, bend over, and touch my toes.

Unfortunately it's with my stomach!

Every day my wife bends over and touches the floor fifty times. It's not exercise. It's picking up the kids' clothes.

The only thing my kids have ever picked up is chicken pox.

If you want to keep fit, there are two ways to touch your toes. Either you go down to them—or get careless with a power mower and they'll come up to you!

You know what's a great exercise? Weight lifting!

Well, it's not really the weight lifting. It's the running around you do when you drop one on your foot.

Weight lifting has made stars out of a lot of people—Mr. America, Mr. Universe, Dolly Parton.

Have you read some of the books they're selling these days? I saw one book that was so daring, the last page was a summons!

It's the kind of book that convinces you the pen is mightier than the sword. The pig pen, that is.

I can always tell when I'm going to give birth to an idea. My writer's cramps start coming two minutes apart.

I love to read. I once went through every page of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and it really taught me something: Never hide a five-dollar bill without marking the place!

The first thing you have to overcome when reading a children's book to your five-year-old—is nausea.

Have you seen any of these children's books? They're all about Jane, Dick, and Spot. Spot is a dog—and Jane is nothing to brag about either.

But you do get involved in these stories. I read one—
JANE LIKES BREAD. JANE LIKES OATMEAL. JANE LIKES ICE CREAM. JANE LIKES PICKLES.
You don't think …? Naaaahhhh!

Please don't think of me as the boss. Think of me as a navigator on the Sea of Confusion.

You remember the boss. He's the crank that gets the wheels of progress started.

You can understand why some employees have a hard time by analyzing the word
BOSS.
That's a backward double S.O.B.

A boss is like the center on a football team. He always feels things are going on behind his back.

For a real quick energy boost, nothing beats having the boss walk in.

A real boss is someone who puts a sign reading
SUGGESTION BOX
—on the paper shredder.

Nowadays you can always tell a boss with compassion. He doesn't let you go. He just says you've been de-hired.

I didn't say the boss is quick to fire. I just said they're now calling his office Boot Hill.

I don't want to say anything about my boss, but you know how some people worry about being replaced by a computer? I worry about being replaced by a slave.

Maybe you know my boss. He's the one who expects a maximum effort for a minimum wage.

You remember the boss. He's the one who believes that work is the only way to repair a coffee break.

I won't say the boss is a slave driver but he just posted a sign saying: “
NO PARKING
9:00
A.M.
to 5:00
P.M.
” What he posted it on was my chair.

I'll say one thing for the boss: He's fair.

Yesterday he came up to me and said, “[
YOUR NAME
], I'd like to give you the day off—but if I did, I'd have to do the same for everyone else whose wife gave birth to quintuplets on her fiftieth birthday.”

My boss thinks I'm a white-collar worker.

My laundryman would give him an argument!

Bosses who hire relatives have a payroll that just won't quit!

It's easy to tell the people in our office who get along with the boss. They're the ones with shoe polish on their lips.

Somebody must be asking the boss for a raise.

I'd know that laugh anywhere.

I asked the boss if I could get a raise and he said, “Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.” I said, “I don't get it.” He said, “That's right.”