A Hopeful Heart (25 page)

T
he following morning, Hannah wiped her hands on a dish towel and forced a smile at
Andrew as he made his way toward the back door to finish helping with chores. She’d
spent most of the night thinking about Lillian and praying she would come home. Her
daughter, however, never walked through the door. She knew Lillian’s decision was
permanent, and it shattered her heart. During the night she also contemplated how
to approach Joshua with her news about leaving the church. She’d considered talking
to him during breakfast and then decided to wait until she could get Andrew and him
alone in the stable.

She hung up the dish towel and then walked toward the mudroom where Andrew was pulling
on his boots. “I finished the breakfast dishes, so I was wondering if I could come
outside with you this morning?”

Andrew put his hat on his head and then shrugged. “Sure. Are you going to help
Onkel
Josh and me with chores?”

“
Ya
, I can help, and I also want to talk to you both.”

“Oh. Is this about the farm?” Andrew frowned. “Last night I talked to Amanda and I
asked her if we can buy the farm from
Mammi
and
Daadi.
She told me that we can’t. She said we have
to move and we can’t keep the farm anymore.” His lip quivered. “What will happen to
Huck?”

Hannah took her son’s hands in hers and wished she could erase the sorrow in his eyes.
“Andrew, I’m sorry, but your
schweschder
is right. We can’t buy the farm from
Mammi
and
Daadi.
” At that moment, it occurred to her that she hadn’t asked Andrew what he’d wanted.
She’d been so wrapped up in plans for her and the twins, but she hadn’t once considered
what Andrew had wanted. “Where would you like to live, Andrew?” She held her breath
while hoping his answer wouldn’t break her heart.

Andrew paused as if he were deep in thought. “I told you I’ll always stay with you.”
He paused and frowned. “But part of me wants to live with
Onkel
Josh, and then another part of me wants to be with you. I just don’t want to hurt
anyone’s feelings.”

“Don’t worry about my feelings. What do you truly want?”

He shrugged. “I always kind of wondered what it would be like to ride on a school
bus and go to a big school. If we moved into Mr. Peterson’s
haus
, would I get to go to a school like that?”

Hannah felt the tension ease in her shoulders and her expression relaxed. “
Ya
, Andrew, you would. You’ll make all new
freinden.
Does that mean you want to live with Amanda and me?”

“
Ya
, I do, but what about Huck?” His frown returned. “What would happen to him?”

“Like I told you before, I’ll ask
Onkel
Josh if you can work with him on Saturdays, and you can take care of Huckleberry.”
An idea popped into her head, and she smiled. “Maybe you can work with
Onkel
Josh and Daniel all summer. What do you think about that?”

He nodded. “
Ya
, that might work. Let’s go ask him.”

Hannah followed Andrew out to the stable where Joshua was shoveling manure.

His gaze met theirs, and he leaned the shovel against the stall and wiped his brow
with a handkerchief. “Is it snack time already?”

“No.” Andrew shook his head. “
Mei mamm
wants to talk to us about the farm.”

“
Ach.
” Josh frowned. “This sounds serious.” He adjusted his hat on his head. “Let’s walk
outside.”

Hannah walked out of the stable and prayed she could remember everything she’d planned
to say.

Josh leaned against the stable wall. “What did you want to discuss with us, Hannah?”

“I guess you already know that Lillian went to live with your parents.”

“She’s staying there permanently?”

Hannah nodded.

“Oh. I didn’t know it was permanent.” He raised his eyebrows. “Why did she move out?”

She cleared her throat in an effort to sound more confident in her decision. “I’m
leaving the church.”

Josh’s mouth gaped.

“We have to move out of our
haus.
” Andrew pointed toward the pasture where the horses were. “I’d like to take care
of Huckleberry. Would you please let me come over on Saturdays and help you? Please,
Onkel
Josh?”

“Are you joking, Andrew? I expect you to care for Huck. He’s your horse, not mine.”
Josh smiled at Andrew, and Hannah’s heart warmed. She was thankful Joshua’s demeanor
hadn’t changed toward her children.

“Great!” Andrew clapped his hands together. “I’m so
froh.
I thought that when we had to move, I’d lose everything, including you and my horse.”

Josh leaned down, leveling his eyes with Andrew’s. “You, Lillian, and Amanda will
never lose me. I made a promise when your
dat
died that I would always be there for you and your siblings. No matter where you
live, I’ll keep that promise.”

“
Danki.
” Andrew hugged him.

Josh motioned toward the stable. “Why don’t you go help Daniel with the shoveling?
I need to talk to your
mamm.
”

“Okay!” Andrew ran into the stable.

Josh studied Hannah as a scowl formed on his face. “So, that’s it. You’re leaving
the community.” He gestured around the farm. “You’re leaving all of this.”

Hannah could only nod again as regret washed over her and stole her voice. She wiped
her eyes and hoped she could stop her tears.

Josh frowned at Hannah. “We have a lot to talk about. Why don’t we go sit on the porch?”

Hannah cleared her throat and was thankful to find her voice again. “That sounds
gut.
” She climbed the porch steps and sat in the swing.

“So, you’re leaving the church for him.” Josh sat on a porch chair and folded his
arms over his wide chest. “You’re going to be shunned for that man.”

“It’s not just for him.” Hannah sat up taller. “It’s for me too. I’ve prayed about
it, and this is the path God has laid before me. I’m going to do what I feel is right
for myself and also for my family.” She gestured around the farm. “You and Gideon
loved this farm. This was your dream, but it was never my dream.”

“What do you mean this was never your dream?” Josh looked confused. “You told Gideon
you loved this place.”

“
Ya
, I loved living here with Gideon, but I always wanted to do something more than raising
horses. I loved hosting dinners for the
English
when I was a child. I was able to host a few before Gideon died, but then my life
changed. I would love to work at a bed and breakfast and make dinners for the visitors.”

Josh shook his head. “You never told Gideon or me that you didn’t want to have the
horse farm.”

Hannah shook her head. “I never said I didn’t want the horse farm. I love the horses,
but it wasn’t my dream. It was Gideon’s dream.”

Josh blew out a deep sigh. “That means you don’t want to run it with me anymore. And
it also means that you won’t accept my proposal.”

Tears filled Hannah’s eyes as she nodded. “I’m sorry, Joshua. I’m honored you asked
me to marry you, but I can’t. I love someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to you or me
if I lived a lie. We’d wind up resenting each other.”

“I was praying I could change your mind.” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine what
Gideon would say.”

“I’m going to start a new life, which is my decision. Gideon has nothing to say about
it since he left this world.” She stared toward the pasture. “You’ll never understand
why I’m making this choice, but I need you to respect my decision.”

“Fine.” He glowered. “I’ll respect it, but I won’t ever agree with it. I can’t understand
why you wouldn’t just give me a chance. I would’ve given everything I had to you and
your
kinner.
But I’m tired of pleading with you. Your decision has been made,
and we need to discuss what happens now. Once you’re shunned, our business no longer
exists.”

“I know.” Hannah glanced toward the sign for Glick’s Belgian and Dutch Harness Horses
and tears filled her eyes again. It was Gideon’s dream to own this business with his
brother, and Hannah had kept his part alive for as long as she could. Now Joshua would
take over, and she knew he’d keep that dream alive even though Hannah wanted to pursue
another dream. “You’ll have to buy my half of the business from me.”

Josh nodded. “I know.” He looked toward the front door. “I’m going to see if I can
move in here after you’re gone. It would make it easier for me if I were here on the
property.”

Hannah studied his frown, finding sadness there. “Joshua, you’ll always be welcome
in our
haus.
You’re family, and the
kinner
want to spend time with you. That doesn’t have to change.”

“But everything else will, Hannah. I won’t be able to see you all at church.” He turned
his eyes toward the pasture. “It will never be the same.”

“You’ll see Lily.” Hannah watched the horses run in the pasture. Her thoughts moved
to Lillian living with her grandparents while she, Amanda, and Andrew started over
in a new home. Her heart broke every time she imagined not having nightly devotions
with all three of her children. How had things changed so quickly in only a matter
of a couple of months? She pushed the thoughts away and forced herself to concentrate
on the present. “
Danki
for allowing Andrew to continue to work with you. I know it’s his dream to work here
as an adult.”

“He can still do that if he chooses to. His
dat
started this business, and he’s a Glick.” He turned toward her. “How does Amanda
feel about all of this?”

“She’s comfortable with my decision. She wants to get her GED and possibly go to college.
I found out recently she’s always wanted to become a veterinarian. She’d never told
me before.”

Josh’s eyebrows careened toward his hairline. “Amanda wants to be a vet? Now it makes
sense that she likes going across the street to talk to Cameron Wood.”

“I know. I never made the connection until I found her reading a book about veterinary
medicine.”

“How do you feel about that?”

Hannah folded her hands in her lap. “I’m going to let her make that choice.”

Josh nodded and pursed his lips. He was silent for a moment, as if taking all of her
news in and contemplating it. “I guess your
freind
is excited that you’re going to leave our community for him.” His frown softened.
“He should know he’s blessed to have your love. That’s what I dreamed of for years.
It’s going to be difficult for me to let go, but I know I have to.”

Hannah touched his arm. “
Danki
, Joshua. I never meant to hurt you, but God has chosen a different path for me. It
wasn’t something I ever expected.” She paused. “And now I need to go see your parents.”

He stood. “I need to get back to work. Let me know if you need me to hitch up the
horse for you.”

Hannah waved off the offer. “I can do it, but
danki.
” She watched him lope down the steps, and she hoped her meeting with his mother would
be as simple.

Hannah knocked on Barbie’s door later that afternoon. She prayed Barbie would listen
to her and not ask her to leave before she finished explaining her decision. She also
prayed Lillian would speak to her.

The door opened with a loud squeak, and Barbie frowned at Hannah. “Well, I was wondering
when you were going to come visit your
dochder.
”

Hannah closed her eyes and held her breath to stop angry words from leaping from her
lips. “May I come in?” she finally asked.

Barbie pushed the door open, and Hannah followed her into the kitchen where Lillian
was rolling out dough.

“Lily.” Hannah’s heart twisted when her daughter glowered at her. “How are you?”

Lillian shrugged and continued rolling out the dough. “I’m fine.”

Barbie stood in front of Hannah and folded her arms over her round middle. “I guess
you’re here to tell us about your decision to leave the community and abandon your
dochder.
I hope you’ve told Joshua. When Lillian came to us yesterday, Eli insisted we not
say anything to Joshua so you could tell him yourself. You owed him that.”

Hannah nodded. “
Ya
, I told him this morning. And I want to explain my decision to you and Eli.”

Barbie made a sweeping gesture toward the kitchen table. “Sit. I’ll call Eli in from
outside.”

Hannah sat at the table and watched Lillian cut out cookies. “How are you doing?”

“I told you. I’m fine.” Lillian kept her back to Hannah.

“We miss you.”

Lillian didn’t respond.

Hannah felt tears fill her eyes, and she hoped she wouldn’t cry. “Lily, I pray that
someday you’ll realize why I’m doing this.”

Lillian faced her with anger shining in her eyes. “No,
Mamm.
I never will understand why you would choose to break up our family.”

Hannah heaved a heavy sigh and wished she knew the correct words to heal her daughter’s
broken heart. She prayed God would someday remove the wedge between them.

Barbie returned to the kitchen. “Eli is on his way.” Barbie turned to Lillian. “Why
don’t you finish those
kichlin
later? Bring the meadow tea to the table, and I’ll get glasses.”

Lillian rolled the dough back up, placed it in a bowl, and stuck it in the refrigerator.
She then brought a platter of peanut butter cookies and a pitcher of tea to the table
before sitting across from Hannah. Lillian grabbed a cookie from the platter. “These
are my favorite.”

“I know,
mei liewe.
” Barbie smiled. “I was thinking of you when I made them.”

“
Wie
geht’s.
” Eli stepped into the kitchen and washed his hands at the sink. “
Gut
to see you.”

“It’s
gut
to see you too.” Hannah’s stomach clenched. Gideon had resembled his father. She
prayed she could look into Eli’s eyes and share her decision to leave the church without
feeling as if she were disappointing Gideon.