All We Know Is Falling: Fall With Me: Volume One (20 page)

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to him. I’d said all I could say. But he kept coming back with more. I’ll give it to him, the boy knew how to make a sale. But I wasn’t in the business of buying what he was selling. I’d given him all I could. And it wasn’t enough for him.

“I’m sorry that I’m not able to give you what you want.”

His thumb swept under my eyes and caught a tear I didn’t know had fallen. I wasn’t a crier and I hated him seeing this from me.

“You give me a lot. And yes, I do want more, but I don’t want you to feel guilty over that. Never feel guilty over what I want. Because it’s completely your right to refuse to give it to me.”

“I wish it wasn’t like this.”

A noiseless laugh escaped him. “Me too.”



School ended and as usual, Hale was waiting for me outside of the girl’s locker room. The rest of the students were pouring down the halls and rushing to get home.

Hale put his arm over my shoulder and started leading me through the crowd.

“How’s Ethan doing?” I asked.

“Better still. He’s been less hostile in general. But he’s still not to keen on doing his school work. Can’t really blame him, but we’re working on fixing it.”

At least he was somewhat okay now. As long as he stayed clean I imagine he’d remain alright.

“Why don’t you give him rides home?”

“Well he’s got friends here and they bring him. I didn’t like the idea of that but I met a couple of them and it’s all just girls that bring him home. They probably aren’t great influences on him. But they’re spoiled rich girls amused with his accent. They might get him to ditch class but I don’t think it would go farther than that.”

A few minutes later I saw the new girl that was bringing him home. Dottie and Ethan were getting into her white convertible as Hale and I entered the parking lot.

I cursed to myself and Hale asked what was wrong. “Well, Dottie and your brother for starters.” I gestured to the scene.

“Oh. Yeah they’re friends. So?”

I poked him with my fingernail and whisper/yelled so no one would hear, “You knew!”

“Yes. I don’t see the problem. She’s a sweet girl.”

In that moment, Dottie looked over and spotted us. She smiled wide and waved at us.

I covered my face with Hale’s arm. “Damn it!” I waved so she wouldn’t know what was running through my head. She got into the car and I groaned.

“I don’t understand your reaction whatsoever.”

I stared up at him. “Well then that makes two of us!” I threw my hands up in the air. “I just don’t like it.”

He rolled his eyes at me and started walking to his truck. I ran to catch up to him and nearly slammed into his back. I managed to get into his car without injuring myself.

We got to my house without incident but the second I put my hand on the door to open it, Hale stopped me.

“I have to ask you something,” his tone was more serious than I’ve heard since Ethan vanished. “And I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”

“It depends on what you’re asking me.”

He looked worried. “You keep saying that the problem is with you and not me. That there’s something about you that’s abnormal. And I’ve been trying to figure out what the issue might be. I’ve landed on an answer but I’m terrified to know if it’s true or not.”

There was no way he could guess what I was, so I wasn’t worried about it. “Ask me and I’ll tell you.”

He swallowed and looked down. “Are you sick?”

“Sick?”

His eyes went up and met mine. “Do you have something that might keep you from wanting a relationship? You’ve always told me that you didn’t even want a friend. And all I could think was that the reason might be that you don’t want to get attached to someone. Not when it would end with…you dying. It would explain everything and I desperately need you to tell me I’m wrong.”

I didn’t hesitate. “You’re wrong. I’m not dying.” You are. “But you’ve got some of that right. I don’t want to get attached to anyone that I might lose.”

He laughed once, without humor. “Why do you think you’d lose me? Have I given you a reason to think that I would leave you? Any at all?”

“You’ll leave. Whether it be your decision or not, you’ll leave me one day. And the farther we are from each other, the less I give you, it’ll make that day less agonizing for me.”

He looked broken hearted and astonished. “Why are you so sure I’ll leave?”

Simple. “Everyone leaves.” And then I went into my house and left him behind.

I went straight into my room and shut the door, throwing my backpack in the corner and collapsing on my bed.

I’d made a mess of so many things. I knew the right thing to do would be cutting him loose now. Letting him move on quickly before he was in too deep. But I was selfish. And I was a coward. I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen to me if he wasn’t in my life anymore. Because of that, I’d keep him even when he wasn’t mine to keep.

I wish I were better than I was. I wish I could do the right thing and let him go. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that someone like me doesn’t have an unselfish bone in their body. Evil was in my blood.

My door swung open and Hale was ever so casually leaning on my doorframe. His arms were crossed and he was staring away from me. “I’ve decided that we’re doing that project together.”

I stood from my bed and started walking to him. “I thought you wanted to be courted.”

He turned when I reached him. Then he shrugged, “Overrated.”

I nearly knocked him over when my arms went around his neck. Once he regained his balance he rested his hands on my hips. “I take it you approve of my decision?”

I dropped down from my tiptoes and stared up at him. “I guess I do.” I smiled despite the fact that I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew that if he didn’t hurt me, then I’d end up hurting him.

He lifted his hand up and touched my lips. “I’m counting that one.”

“I just find it so appropriate that you picked out such an act of rebellion for our project,” Hale mused while we worked on the project in class.

“What else was I supposed to pick?”

“I couldn’t have picked anything better.”

I folded my arms on the table. “I think you’re just upset that the whole project is about the Revolutionary War.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “And why might that offend me?”

“Hmm,” I tapped on my chin. “Could be that you’re bitter that we kicked your asses in the war.”

He scoffed. “Please. We let you win.”

My eyebrow went up. “Yeah right.”

He waved his hand in the air. “Don’t get defensive now. Nothing to be ashamed about.”

I kicked him under the table.

“Don’t make me enact my revenge on you?”

“And what might that be?” I asked, not at all worried about what he might do. He was a big talker but that was it.

He looked around the classroom and sighed. “Unfortunately there are far too many witnesses here. But we’ll be alone later, and I’ll have my chance.”

“Uh huh. I’m so terrified,” I said flatly.

“You will be.”

He spent most of class explaining to me just how the British let the Americans get what they wanted to shut them up. I just ignored him and did the work myself. I knew most of what I needed to and it wasn’t too hard to organize it.

I was trying to decide on what the visual would be for the project and I landed on a ship. I was going to try and make a little model complete with tiny people tossing tea over the side. Easy as pie. I didn’t even bother telling Hale since I knew he’d mostly just keep me company while I did all of the work.

We got to lunch and Hale finally wrapped up his stupid story. I was glad since I was pretty sure I was about to slam his head into the table to shut him up.

I spent lunch glaring at him while he was smiling, pleased that he annoyed me. It’s amazing that I manage to not hurt him daily. Was this what friendship was supposed to be? A lot of teasing and hollow threats?

While we walked from Art to Gym I said, “You should really be nicer to me. I’m doing our project all alone.”

He looked surprised. “Are you? I recall going out to pick up dinner for us last night.”

“While I stayed home and worked. Alone.” We stopped just outside of the locker room doors.

“So? I had to decide if I should get you a vanilla or chocolate shake. We all have our crosses to bear.”

I shot him my best are you kidding me look. “You know I prefer chocolate,” I turned on my heel and walked into the room, listening to him laughing at me. 

After I changed into my Gym clothes, I shoved my backpack into my locker and headed out and into the gym. When I walked in, Jenna instantly looked at me with guilt.

I threw my head back and moaned. “What? What horrible thing do you have planned for me?”

She grimaced. “Flag football.”

I groaned loudly. “I hate you…”

“I know,” she patted my shoulder. “But I only do this because I have to. If we had ice cream parties every day then I’d lose my job.”

“Ice cream?” I heard from Hale as he approached.

I turned and he had his same old cocky smile on his face. “No,” I frowned. “We’re playing football.”

“Flag football,” Jenna corrected me.

Hale looked just as pleased as I was. “I’d rather just have the ice cream.”

“That makes two of us.”

Jenna gestured to the box sitting on the benches. “Shut up and go pick your team.”

I was less than shocked when Hale decided to go with the same team colors as I picked. It just meant that we could stand on the same side of the field outside.

Once we were out there, that was all we did. The rest of the class ran around like crazy people and all we did was watch, judging.

Jenna walked over and threw her hands in the air. “Oh come on! Can’t you two just pretend that you care about this class?”

We exchanged a look.

“Whatever,” she snapped and stormed off to coach the class.

I stared at the running students and decided that maybe I should made some kind of effort. Though I wasn’t sure why. “Should we play?”

“Sure.”

I was on my back before I could register what was happening. Then I was staring up at a grinning boy who I sometimes hated more than I liked.

“What the Hell did you do that for?” I asked him.

He propped himself up on his hands. “You wanted to play the game.”

“This isn’t how you play,” I shoved him off of me and sat up. “This isn’t tackle football. And we’re on the same team.”

He stood. “So?” He held a hand out for me. I didn’t need it, but I took it anyway. Story of my life.

I decided that maybe we didn’t have to play after all. The game was almost over so I figured it would be okay to just sit in the sidelines. Jenna didn’t bug us so I took that as approval.

Once Jenna finally cut us loose I wasted no time going back to change back into my civilian clothes. Hale told me he’d be waiting for me when I was dressed. Like every other day.

Things with him were getting comfortable and it was starting to worry me. It felt okay and I knew it was an illusion. Mom was happy with Dad, but that was part of it. You get the good but then comes the bad. And it wipes away any and all memory of happiness. Then come the lies. You remember things as better than they were as your mind tries to forget the pain and make you think that everything will be alright again if you open your heart up once more.

So these were the good times. The times that my mom said made it worth the sorrow and grief that would come later. And I was happy when I was with him. But I don’t think that this is enough to make what was to come worth it.

It almost felt like enough. Close, but something was missing. Off maybe.

Things felt different now. I was starting to forget what it was like to be all alone. It was a dangerous thing to do. My resolve was slipping and I needed to hold on to it. I needed to remember all the reasons that I was fighting. But day by day I cared less about those reasons.

The scent of death hit me when I was about twenty feet from my locker. It caused me to stop dead in my tracks. No one else seemed to smell it but that wasn’t much of a surprise. I had a heightened sense of smell and the dead thing, whatever it was, must be newly dead.

Tentatively, I started moving forward. I was trying to figure out where it was coming from when I saw my backpack on the ground. Not where I left it.

Well…this wasn’t a good sign.

Still, because I wasn’t very smart, I walked forward. The lock on my locker was gone and when I saw that, my stomach dropped and nausea hit me. I knew what I would find, but I opened the locker anyway.