Always Remember (25 page)

“Forgive me, Jessica. I’m so sorry you lived my life instead of your own.”

“It’s okay, Mom, because Nate doesn’t hate me for what I did.”

Weariness and sorrow lined her mother’s face. “Can you forgive me for what I’ve done, dear?”

“Right now, I think I can even forgive myself,” she whispered.

“Come give me a hug.”

Leaning down, she put her arms around the fragile bone structure of the once strong and robust woman. So many wasted years.

“Jessica?” Her mother whispered into her ear. “Sara is your child, the baby I took from you.”

Jessie tried to jerk back, but Maude kept her arms around her neck and refused to let her escape.

“I asked Nate to keep his silence till I passed on. I didn’t want you hating me more than you already did.”

The new engagement ring glinted in the meager light, taunting Jessie with the falseness of everything she’d believed in — the lies Nate had told her, the love he’d proclaimed. Surely this was just the rambling of a sick, old woman. “I—I don’t understand.”

“I brought her home for Nate to raise. See? I’m not such a heartless witch after all, am I?”

Maude’s quiet words slurred together and her arms relaxed around Jessie’s neck, allowing Jessie to pull back, break their physical contact. As her mother drifted off to sleep, her features relaxed. For the first time since Jessie had arrived home, Maude looked peaceful, free of the burden she’d carried all these years.

Tears flooded Jessie’s eyes as she gently laid her mother’s hand back on the bed and pushed to her feet. Turning, she spotted a tall figure in the doorway, his face in shadows.

Was it possible her mother’s words were the rambling of a sick old woman?

“Let’s go home, Jess. You can rip out my heart later, sweetheart.”

The words were an admission of his guilt. Jessie’s hands formed into fists at her sides. “You bastard.”

He took a step into the room, tall, powerful, the man she thought she’d loved. “This is a conversation we should have had years ago and we’re having it tonight. Understand?”

“I understand that I suffered for years because of you. How could you stand there and lie to me? How could you hide the truth when you knew how much I hurt?”

He took another step closer, his face hard and unreadable. Didn’t he care? Didn’t he feel the least bit of guilt for what he’d done? She realized, in the second before he caught her by the shoulders, that she didn’t know him at all. Everything she’d believed in had been a lie.

She wrenched away. “Don’t touch me.”

“If I have to carry you kicking and screaming up to the house, I promise I will.”

She clenched her jaw, fighting against the urge to cry. “Nothing you can say will make me forgive you.”

The unsmiling lines of his mouth turned hard and unrelenting as he ushered her out of the room. As they headed up to the main house, Jessie felt as though a piece of her had shriveled and died.

She’d always trusted Nate to do the right thing, to be good when she’d been bad. As she stormed across the yard, stomped up the steps and into the house, she let her anger grow.

Inside the house, a light above the sink glowed in the dark, giving the room an other-world atmosphere. He backed her toward the kitchen counters and said, “Okay, have your say.”

Jessie opened her mouth. At first nothing came out and the ugly silence between them was like one more knife in her heart. She wanted to bury her head against his shoulder, feel the comfort of his arms surround her. But damn it, he’d lied.

“You lied to me. To Sara,” she finally sputtered. Her throat tightened, but she refused to give in to the tears, not until she was off the ranch, running again, free of the past. “You bastard. Everything you said was a lie. Is that why you want to marry me? So I can’t steal Sara from you? If I ever found out, that is.”

His face tightened with repressed anger as the compassion vanished. “Don’t blame me for your mistakes, Jess. You’re the one who signed the papers. You’re the one who didn’t have the guts to stand up to Maude—”

“You leave my mother out of this.”

“What? She’s suddenly absolved of all the guilt? She’s been twisting our lives to her satisfaction right up to the end. And if she had her way, she’d no doubt continue from beyond the grave.”

“Shut up. She’s dying—”

“Exactly. She’s dying and because she didn’t want to suffer your anger anymore, because she wanted to reconcile with you, she asked me to continue lying to you.” He moved forward, backing her against the cupboard, giving her not an inch of space. “I’m not the bad guy, Jess.”

“I thought we were building everything new. The truth to start fresh.”

“You want the truth. Fine.” He spat out the words, scraped his hair back from his face and turned away from her. In the dim light, he prowled the kitchen and appeared more a wild animal in captivity than the man she loved.

Used to love, she hastily revised.

“In exchange for you, Maude offered me Sara. You didn’t want her enough to defy your mother. I wanted her enough to give up the idea of finding you and bringing you back home.”

A sob sounded. Sara stood in the alcove, her face hidden by the shadows, her voice shaking with repressed tears. “Is it true?”

The sound of Sara’s voice broke Jessie’s heart. She must have heard every ugly word they’d exchanged. Jessie stepped forward, but Nate refused to move out of her way.

“Go back to your room, Sara. I’ll come talk to you after I’m done here.”

She didn’t move a muscle. “I heard what you said. I’m not doing to my child what you did to me.”

“Sara—”

But she was gone, the heels of her shoes echoing down the hallway as she tore through the house and back up the stairs. Jessie darted forward. Nate stepped in her path.

“We’re not done here, lady.”

“Yes, we are. In fact, I never ever want to see you—”

Outside, a motor roared to life. Tires squealed against cement. Nate spun around and headed for the doorway, shouting Sara’s name, Jessie hard on his heels.

In the darkness of the night, the taillights of the car disappeared around a bend in the road. Her heart pounding, Jessie looked to Nate, recognized the fear on his face. What had they done? What had
she
done?

“I’m going after her,” Nate said as he fumbled in his pocket for the keys and headed for the garage.

Jessie was right behind him, fear lodged in her throat, panic and adrenalin racing through her veins. Climbing into the cab of the truck, she held onto the armrest as Nate accelerated. Gravel spun from beneath the tires. The lights shone across the road.

Five miles up the road, they found Nate’s car plowed into the ditch.

“Call 911.” He tossed her his cell phone and slammed the truck into park. Then he was out of the cab, running toward the ditch and their daughter.

Jessie punched in the numbers and sent up a silent prayer.
Please, God, please don’t take our baby. This is all my fault. Don’t punish Nate. Don’t take Sara from him. If I’d stayed away...if the truth hadn’t come out...I’ll leave. I’ll stay away from them both. Please, if you’ll only just let Sara live.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

An eternity seemed to pass before the ambulance and police and fire trucks arrived at the scene of the accident. As they unraveled Sara from the mangled vehicle, Nate became aware of Jessie staying in the background, avoiding him as though he’d suddenly developed the plague. But until they reached the hospital and George wheeled Sara into the operating room, he didn’t have time to consider the implications of her actions.

Had he finally found his family, only to lose them again? As Nate pushed the thought away, the image of Sara replaced it.

They’d used the jaws-of-life to cut her out of the car and the Emergency Medical Team gave him a preliminary diagnosis — serious lacerations, multiple fractures and breaks, and the possibility of internal bleeding.

No, he wouldn’t think about losing Sara and the baby she carried, or he’d go out of his mind.

But Nate couldn’t concentrate on anything else. He’d cursed the pregnancy. Only now did he realize the precious life she carried within her. Only now did he understand that this was another part of Jessie and him, proof of a love that had survived a separation neither of them had wanted.

The sanitized smells of the hospital nauseated him and he felt his stomach churn and heave. Or maybe it was the thought of what lay ahead. How the hell was he ever going to get Jessie to understand or forgive him? And if they lost Sara—

He gritted his teeth, slumped back on the hard plastic chair. “I wonder if Mike found Hale yet.”

Beside him, Jessie shrugged, her hands clasped tightly on her lap. “He made it clear he didn’t want the baby.”

“Well, he ought to take on the responsibility of his actions,” he grumbled.

“Like you took on full responsibility for Sara?”

He winced at the nearly lifeless accusation in her voice, but he wasn’t going to apologize for raising Sara. There were a dozen other things he could apologize for instead. Like turning his back on Jessie. Forgetting the love they’d shared. For being too young to make the right choice. “Yeah. Like that.”

He rubbed his hand over his face, fighting against the mind-numbing exhaustion of too many hours without sleep. He needed coffee, thick, black, and potent. Something to pierce the fear of the hours ahead and set him into motion.

Nate surged to his feet and reached into his pocket for change. “Want some coffee?”

A barely discernible shake of her head was the only answer he got. When he returned, she was still seated in the same chair, head bowed, fingers twisted together on her lap. She’d been silent since they’d come across Sara, careful to stay out of the way. Didn’t she think it was her place to be in Sara’s life? Did she think he didn’t want her there?

He sighed and slumped onto the chair beside her, sipping at the hot brew. The consequences of the decision he’d made all those years ago took his breath away. He’d loved Jessie. Then he’d loved their daughter. Why the hell did things have to get so complicated? Why couldn’t they make their peace and get on with life?

Nate leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “She wasn’t just a responsibility, Jess. Sara was a part of you and me. She was a result of the love we’d shared.”

“I missed so many years. I cried so many tears.” Her voice cracked and a tear washed down her cheek.

Nate reached over and brushed it away. They should be finding comfort within one another now, not tearing out each other’s hearts. Sara had a heart big enough to love them both.

Staring at the pristine whiteness of the floor, memories of raising their daughter flooded his thoughts. The first time he saw her. The first time she walked. He could talk about Sara for hours and maybe that’s exactly what Jessie needed right now. Maybe his stories couldn’t fill in the gaping hole of a seventeen-year-old ache but he had to try.

Where did he start?

“A week after Sara was born, Maude brought her home to me and we started the adoption process. I owed your mom big time. She could have left Sara at the hospital, let someone else raise her. But she didn’t.”

He pushed to his feet, tossed the empty cup into a wastepaper basket, clasped his hands behind his back, and started pacing. Maybe if he kept talking, kept walking, he could banish the picture of Sara in the mangled car. “She slept through the night when she was two months old. Crawled at five months. Took her first steps at eight. Her first birthday, Sam and Maude and Harley brought in a cake and Sara smeared it all over her face. All over me, too.”

“Does Dad know the truth?” Jessie asked, her voice whisper soft, quavering with emotion.

“I don’t know. If he figured it out, he never said anything to me.” Nate threw himself back on the chair, settled his hand against the back of her neck, and felt the tense muscles. Gently, he concentrated on massaging the stiffness away, thankful when she didn’t shift out of reach. That was a good sign. Wasn’t it?

She squeezed her eyes closed and let her head drop forward. “I’m afraid.”

Still working the muscles of her neck, Nate sat forward and entwined his fingers with hers. “I’m afraid, too, sweetheart. Not only of losing Sara. I’m terrified of losing you. If we’re being honest here, that’s why I wanted to rush the wedding. I didn’t want to risk you vanishing like before.”

She continued to stare at her lap. Nate felt the misery and pain of her loss deep in his gut.

“Jess, look at me.” Nate sensed her resistance and the little bit of hope spiraling through him dissipated. He shifted off the chair, knelt at her feet, and took both her hands in his. “Jess, we made mistakes and plenty of them. But this is a chance for us to be the family we should have been when Sara was born.”

“She may not want me around, now that she knows the truth.”

“Sara doesn’t hold grudges, Jess. She has the sweet nature of her mother and her father’s foolish pride.”

Silence. She didn’t believe him, but only Sara could ease those fears. Right now, he needed to make sure Jessie stayed in his life.

“Don’t turn from me now, sweetheart. Not when I love you so much it hurts to breathe when you’re around.”

She tugged her hands free and slipped to her feet. Nate straightened, shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, and watched her pace.

“It’s no good. We’re no good together.” She crossed her arms over her chest and faced him. “Look what we did. We almost killed our daughter.”

Guilt and sorrow washed over him. Nate wiped a hand over his face and tried to shore up his strength for the hours ahead. But it was hard, damn hard to realize he might lose the two people he cared for the most.

Right about now, he could use some of Diablo’s stubbornness. The stallion would never give up without a fight, so why should he? Nate straightened his shoulders, determination washing through him. When Sara woke up, the first thing he’d do was hand her over to her mother. The second thing he’d do is refuse to stop loving either of them...no matter what.

He took a deep breath and continued. “I brought Sara here when she was six years old. She’d run into a doorjamb and slashed her head open. When she wakes, get her to show you the mark on her head. She took seven stitches that day and I think I cried right along with her.”