Broken (7 page)

“She… she…” Bella stammered and stuttered. She couldn’t get her breath back enough to speak, so she pointed at the journal. Grant slowly picked it up and began on the page where Bella dropped the book. It was the night before Lori was killed.

Times are tough right now. I never seem to make enough money to support Ethan and myself, but that just means I need to work more hours. If it wasn’t for my sister, I don’t know how I’d ever make it. Sometimes I envy her. She’s gorgeous, smart and has a great career in California, and I’m here in this little town struggling to get on my own two feet. She’s all I’ve ever had, and she’s always protected me from everything. I wish I had her strength so Ethan could see that in me. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her for all she does for us. She’s given up so much in her life to take care of me, and now Ethan. My New Year’s resolution is going to be to get financially secure so that Bella doesn’t have to worry about us anymore. When I think of what she went through when we were kids… the abuse she suffered so I didn’t have to… I just want to die.

“Bella…” Grant said softly as he put the book down on the coffee table. “I had no idea…”

Bella just sat there, quietly sobbing and shaking. She’d never wanted him to know how she was used and abused. It was the one chink in her armor that she didn’t want revealed to anyone. Porn was bad enough, but people would certainly be able to believe that if they knew that she’d been forced to have sex as a young child. What would they think of her? Choosing to do porn was just her way of proving them right.

A
fter a few moments
, she finally gathered herself and picked the journal up. Closing it, she walked into the kitchen and put it in a drawer as Grant followed her.

“More wine?” she asked as she poured herself a large glass. Grant put his hand on hers before she could pick up the glass.

“Bella, wine won’t solve anything. It’s okay to have feelings,” he said softly.

“It’s not okay for me, Grant. I didn’t have the best experiences growing up, so sometimes I need to escape it.”

“How is that working for you? Does drinking more wine make it all better?”

“What do you want from me, Grant?” she asked. “If I give in to the demons of the past, it’s possible that I will never get up again. I can’t afford to be down. I’ve got a nephew to raise.”

“When are you going to trust someone, Bella?”

“Trusting people has always gotten me into trouble, Grant. People can’t be trusted.” She heard the words fall out of her mouth, but she knew they weren’t really true. She could trust him, but she didn’t know how to give up and allow him into her world.

“You can trust me, Bella. I promise,” he said softly as he put his hand on her cheek and stared deeply into her sad eyes. She froze in place for a moment, realizing that the decision she was about to make left her open to being hurt or abused.

She walked slowly across the kitchen and back into the living room. Sitting down on the sofa, she sat her glass of wine on the coffee table and patted the seat next to her for Grant to sit down.

“This is hard for me because I’ve spent my life running from my past. I don’t want you to think differently of me. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or pity me…”

“Bella, our pasts don’t dictate who we are now,” he said. Oh, how she wished that was true in her case.

“When my mother died, we had no one. No family except for a very elderly great-grandmother in a nursing home. My mother was an only child, so she didn’t have a sibling to take us like Lori did. We ended up in foster care almost immediately after her death. First, we lived with the Logan family. Cal Logan was the father, and he was one of the scariest men I’ve ever met. He was a large man, both in height and weight, and had a terrible drinking problem. Lori and I were both physically abused almost daily. She was so tiny at only six years old, so I started admitting to things I didn’t really do to take the focus off of her…” By this point Bella was struggling to hold back tears. She’d never said what happened to them out loud, and it made it immensely harder to handle than just having thoughts about it all.

Grant gritted his teeth as he listened to her describe a dysfunctional history of being in foster care. He struggled with himself not to reach out and say how sorry he was for what she went through. He wanted to track down Cal Logan and beat the crap out of him.

“We were only there for about eighteen months or so before being moved to the Cramer family. That’s when the sexual abuse started for me…” she said through a sob he could barely hear.

“Oh, God… Bella…” Grant could no longer help himself as he reached out and took both of her hands in his. “You don’t have to…”

“No, I think I need to…” She felt like the weight of the world was crushing her shoulders, but at the same time she could feel a sense of it all washing away. She’d held on to so much in her life, and she needed to start letting some of it go. Maybe giving it a voice, even a shaky one, would make it less powerful. “I was ten years old. This time, it was two other foster kids - brothers, Allen and Levi. They’d been abused badly by their own parents, and there was a lot of anger there. Both had some serious issues, and I was their target. I was a beautiful young girl, and they took advantage of that. The Cramer’s worked a lot, and they never paid attention to what was going on. I remember the first night it happened. They’d gone out on a date night and left me and Lori with the boys who were thirteen and fifteen at the time…”

Grant steeled himself for the story she was about to tell. He could barely contain his own emotions, and he didn’t know how she was sitting there telling him this with such a flat, emotionless face. It was like she’d suddenly been transported miles away so she didn’t have to deal with it.

“It was dark, and Lori was asleep in bed next to me. I heard the creaking of the wood floors in the hallway and then the turning of the doorknob. Levi was the first to do it, but then it became a typical occurrence in the house. He made me promise to be quiet or he’d kill Lori, so I was as quiet as a mouse. It went on for three years before social workers removed us from the home out of suspicion that something was going on. I still never told… I feel so bad about that because they probably went on to do it to other little girls…” Her sobbing returned as she talked about what they might have done after she left the home. She never seemed to cry for herself, for the helpless little girl she was at the time. She cried for Lori and for other nameless, faceless girls, but never for herself. Grant was struck by that.

“You were just a kid, Bella. You can’t blame yourself for trying to survive and protect Lori,” Grant said, stroking her hair with his hand.

“Finally, we ended up at the Ellington’s. I was a wild kid at that point, trying to get attention and show my strength to anyone I met. I was determined that no one would abuse me ever again, and I didn’t trust any adult I met. Carolyn Ellington was pretty kind to me, and so was her husband, Dale, for that matter. But, I didn’t think I needed parents at all. I was fourteen, I was hurt, and I knew everything. I rebelled a lot, and they threatened to send me to a group home. Lori freaked out because she didn’t want me to leave her, of course. I settled down eventually, but then Lori got pregnant at fourteen, and they were just done with us. They had no other kids, and I don’t think we were quite what they bargained for. They didn’t want to raise her baby, too, so they decided to send us to a group home.”

“My God, Bella. I don’t know how you managed to live through all of that. I know you don’t want pity, but I am so amazed by you,” he said softly as he stared at her. She stared at her hands, embarrassed by the abuse she suffered as a kid.

“When I was eighteen, they allowed me to take Lori and Ethan with me. We moved just outside of Madison Falls to start all over. We just couldn’t go back to Clayton Springs after my mother got killed there. Too many memories…”

“How did you take care of yourself, Lori and a baby?” he asked. It was a logical question, and it made her nervous that he would figure out her sordid past.

“I got a job as a waitress at a diner just outside of town. We got a tiny apartment, and Lori finished school. I wanted her to have her high school diploma. It was tough. We almost ended up in a shelter once before we got the apartment… We ate at the food bank a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared as during that time of my life,” she said, shaking her head as the tears came. Looking back, Bella realized that she’d never really “let go” and cried about her past. She just barreled through like a bull in a china shop, unable to connect with her emotions for fear of them overwhelming her… like they were right now.

“How did you end up in California?”

“After a couple of years of struggling here, I realized that I would never be able to get ahead. A guy came in at the diner one day who was here visiting family. He was a modeling agent in California and convinced me I could make good money there. He left me a one hundred dollar tip, which made me believe he was legit. Long story short, I went out there to model, and it was a scam. They wanted money from me, and it was a mess. I knew I couldn’t come home and face Lori and Ethan without having done something to make their situation better. So, I took a job at a makeup company,” she hated lying to Grant. He was so honest, and the look in his eyes was so trusting. She was a horrible person, she decided. “I was able to make enough for Lori to move here to Madison Falls with Ethan.”

“You’re just amazing,” he said, brushing a stray tear off her cheek.
Not so amazing
, she thought to herself.

“No. I’m really not. There’s a lot I’m not proud of in my life, Grant. I don’t deserve your praise,” she said.

“We all have skeletons in our closet, Bella. It’s time you forgive yourself for yours.”

“I’ll never forgive myself,” she said.

“I don’t understand…”

“Can we just stop talking about it tonight? I’m so tired,” she said, putting her head in her hands.

“Of course. I didn’t mean to push. I know this has been very emotional for you. Is there anything I can do?” he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Bella wanted to ask him to stay all night and watch her sleep or hold her. She felt emotionally wrecked, and her heart felt like an open wound. How would she ever deal with her past? Was it wrong that she was starting to feel attached to Grant when she knew that it could never happen?

“There’s nothing you can do, Grant. I just need to be alone, get some sleep,” she said, lying through her teeth.

“Oh. Okay. I should go…” he said softly as he stood up. She walked him to the door, gave him a quick hug and watched him walk home before closing the door and falling into a heap on the floor. Sobs from an eight year old girl who’d lost her mother climbed from her inner depths and made their presence known. She moaned and cried in a way she never had, for all of the years she lost with her mother, her sister, herself. She cried for the little girl she could’ve been. It seemed to go on for hours, but when she looked at her watch it was just ten o’clock.

With no energy to push the mattress back on the bed and make it, she grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and curled up on the couch. Unable to sleep, she flipped on the lamp next to her and turned on the TV. As she was trying to find something to watch, she heard a tap at the living room window. Terrified, she grabbed a baseball bat and hid behind the door.

“Bella. It’s me,” Grant said. Catching her breath, she opened the door as he stepped in without asking.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, hoping the dim light was hiding her puffy, red eyes.

“I just can’t leave you like this,” he said as he pulled her close and held her tightly.

“Grant…”

“You deserve for someone to take care of you, Bella. Let me be that person for you. No strings,” he said pressing his lips into the top of her mussed up blond hair. Her tension drifted away as she slid her arms around him and pressed her face into his strong chest. Without speaking, he took her hand and pulled her toward the sofa. He turned off the television and sat down, drawing her onto the sofa beside him. Putting a pillow in his lap, he slowly pushed her head down so she was facing the hallway and stroked her hair with his hand. “Sleep, Bella. I’m here. No demons tonight…” he said as he covered her up. She’d never felt so safe in her whole life.

W
hen Bella woke
up the next morning, she realized she was lying on the sofa alone. Had she dreamed it all? Did Grant come back over and hold her while she slept? Was that just wishful thinking? Just when she thought she was crazy or had dreamed it all, she smelled something wonderful coming from the kitchen. Groggy, she stood up and ambled across the living room to find Grant standing in her kitchen cooking eggs and bacon. A pot of coffee sat on the counter, and his hair was wonderfully messed up and sexy. Had he even slept?

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said with a smile as he turned around. Bella was standing there stunned as she watched a man actually cook breakfast for her.

“Good morning,” she said softly, embarrassed by how upset she’d gotten the night before. Her motto had always been “never let them see you down”, and she’d certainly violated that.

“I hope you like eggs and bacon.”

“I do. You’re quite the chef, aren’t you? I’m going to get fatter the longer I know you, I’m afraid,” she said, laughing. It was easy to be with Grant, but incredibly difficult to know that she was lying to him. She couldn’t get any closer to him or risk everything she was trying to build for Ethan.

“So, listen, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“A favor? What is it?” she asked as she grabbed a piece of bacon and crunched on it. He slapped her hand lightly, and she giggled.

“Well, a few guys I went to college with are meeting at Jackson’s Bar tonight. Just catching up and stuff. I don’t want to look like a complete loser going stag, so I was wondering if you might consider being my date?” he asked.

“Grant, I don’t know…”

“Come on. Please. Do it for me. I don’t want to get made fun of for not being able to get a date,” he said with his hands in a praying position and his bottom lip poked out. She wanted to bite that lip.

“Something tells me you could get a date if you wanted one.”

“Maybe, but I don’t want to go with anyone else.”

“What about Ethan?” she asked.

“Sharon called this morning, but you were so exhausted that you didn’t budge. She asked if Ethan can stay one more night, and she could just take him to school tomorrow morning. I told her I thought it would be okay with you, but you’d call her when you woke up.”

“Are you guys plotting against me?” she asked, squinting her eyes at him.

“Nope. You just aren’t used to people actually caring about you, Bella. This is what love feels like.”

As soon as she heard the word “love”, Bella almost ran out the door. What did he mean by that?

“Bella? Are you still with me?” he said, waving his hand in front of her face. “Don’t freak out. I meant the love of your friends.”

“Oh. Okay,” she said, turning to avoid eye contact as she made her coffee.

“So what do you say?” he asked, going back to his original question.

“Yes, I’ll go with you, of course. How can I resist your charms when you’re cooking for me all the time?” she said, smiling as she turned back around.

“You can’t,” he said, chuckling as he made their plates.

W
ith her date
coming up in an hour, Bella was running around the house trying to find the perfect thing to wear. For the first time in years, she was going on an actual date. Part of her knew that she couldn’t take things too far with Grant while the other side of her wanted to impress his friends.

She finally settled on a short red dress with a plunging neckline and strappy black high heels. If there was one thing the porn industry had taught her, it was how to look sexy. The least she could do was give Grant something to be proud of in front of his college buddies.

Around six o’clock, Grant showed up at her door in a charcoal gray sweater, jeans and black boots. She could smell his cologne as she opened the door, and it made her want to do naughty things that she couldn’t allow herself to do with him. He looked her up and down, and his mouth literally dropped open.

“Holy freaking cow!”

“What?” she asked as she tried to innocently pretend that she hadn’t sexed herself up pretty good.

“You know what. You look amazing! I don’t even know if there’s a word for it. How did I get so lucky?” he asked.

“I just thought I could help you impress those college buddies of yours,” she said grinning.

“Oh, they are going to be green with envy, trust me.” He held out his arm, and she laced hers with his as they walked to the car.

The ride to Jackson’s Bar was short since it was just off the square. Made out of a big, old barn, it had been renovated a few years before. Most of the local townspeople went there for fun, so it was pretty busy even for a Sunday. Liquor was outlawed on Sundays, but that didn’t stop people from going there to dance, eat and hang out. There wasn’t a lot going on in Madison Falls, so people had to have something to do for fun.

Grant parked the car and looked at Bella before getting out.

“Truly, Bella, you look stunning tonight.”

“Thanks,” she said.

“But your real beauty is inside. I’ve learned that about you.”

“If you say so,” she said, trying not to blush.

“I know so. Ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” she said.

He came around and got her out of the car. As they walked in, Grant was mobbed by four guys who looked the same age he did.

“There he is!” a red haired guy yelled as he put Grant in a headlock. It reminded Bella of ten year old boys wrestling in the yard.

“Hey, guys…” Grant said, pushing him off and fixing his hair. “Let me introduce you to my date, Bella.”

“Hi, guys,” she said, smiling as she shook each of their hands. She also couldn’t help but notice that there were no dates with the guys. At that point, she knew that Grant had gotten the best of her.

“Okay, Bella, this is Craig. We call him Red, though, for obvious reasons.”

“Hey there, Bella. Nice to meet you,” Red said, waving at her.

“And that’s Todd in the green shirt, Donald with the bald head, and Roger with the chubby belly…” Grant joked.

“Hey, I’m due any day now!” Roger yelled, rubbing his belly. Bella could tell these guys loved to have a good time and not having alcohol might be an issue.

“Nice to meet you all. Listen, Grant, I’m going to hit the ladies room,” she said in his ear. As she walked away, Red craned his neck to look at her.

“Hey, man, don’t ogle my date!” Grant said, punching Red in the arm as he sat down.

“I can’t believe you’re dating
her
! Score!” Red said with his mouth hanging open.

“First of all, we’re not dating. She’s my new neighbor, and she’s had a rough time lately so I invited her out,” Grant said, trying to play it off and avoid questions.

“Why in the world did she move here?” he asked.

“Her sister died, and she became the guardian to her nephew who is a student of mine.”

“I bet this place is a lot different than her life in Cali…” Red said, taking a sip of his sweet tea.

“How did you know she lived in California?” Grant asked, furrowing his brows in confusion.

“I’ve seen her movies, man,” Red said with a chuckle. “Don’t tell my wife, though.”

“Movies?” Grant asked.

“Wait. You don’t know who she is?” Red asked.

“What are you talking about, you big idiot?” Grant asked, shaking his head.

“Desiree Drake. Look it up. You have no idea what kind of hottie you’ve got there. I’d be hitting that thing every chance I got!” he said in his best college boy frat voice.

“Red, watch your mouth.” Grant was not amused. He had no idea what he was talking about, but he didn’t like the tone of it.

“Okay, guys, let’s chill out. Here comes Bella,” Roger said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Desiree,” Red said under his breath.

“I’m warning you, man,” Grant muttered back as Bella sat down.

Thankfully, the rest of the dinner went off without a hitch. Red kept his mouth shut, and Bella really seemed to enjoy herself.

As they were getting ready to leave, Bella’s phone rang. It was Sharon calling to ask her something about Ethan, so she stepped outside to take the call as Grant was saying his goodbyes to his friends.

“Look, Grant, speaking as a friend, you need to watch out for that woman,” Red said, pulling him to the side.

“Red, what’s your problem? Jealous much?”

“Well, yes, but that’s beside the point. She’s a freaking porn star, Grant.”

“What? Have you been drinking?”

“No. I knew you wouldn’t believe me. Look,” Red held his phone in front of Grant’s face with a picture of Bella on the cover of a porn DVD. Grant’s heart started racing, and he felt like it would pound out of his chest.

“There’s got to be some mistake…” he stammered as he stared at her picture.

“No mistake, man. That’s her. And you’re an elementary school teacher. You can’t afford to have your reputation ruined by a porn slut.”

Without thinking, Grant grabbed the collar of Red’s shirt and slammed him against the wall. His phone fell to the floor.

“I’ve already warned you once, and I’m not going to warn you again. Don’t talk about her like that.”

“Grant! What are you doing?” Bella yelled from behind him. Grant dropped his hold on Red and kicked his phone a good six feet away before taking Bella’s hand and walking out.

The drive toward town was eerily quiet, and Bella was afraid to ask Grant what had happened while she was taking her phone call. She knew he was angry, but about what?

“Grant? Is everything okay?” she finally asked softly as they neared her house.

“Yes.”

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked. The question seemed to reverberate around the car.

“No. You didn’t do anything wrong, Bella. Red just said something that made me mad, and I reacted the wrong way. I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

“It’s just… I didn’t think you had that kind of anger in you…”

“I normally don’t unless someone says something about a person I care about. Then I get angry.”

“And he did that?” she asked.

“Yes. And that’s all I want to say about it, okay?” he said as they pulled into her driveway.

G
rant walked
Bella to her door, but he didn’t know what to do or think. Should he ask her if it was true when he already knew the answer? Should he try to understand why she would put herself in that position when she was so smart and beautiful?

“Thanks for taking me out. I had fun…” she said softly as she opened her front door.

“It was my pleasure, Bella. Thanks for going and making me look like a stud,” he said with a smile.

“I noticed no one else brought a date. What was that about?” she asked as she slid her shoes off and threw them into the living room behind her.

“I guess I just wanted to take you on a date, so I used pity as a weapon. Sorry about that,” he said sheepishly.

“Forgiven. Thanks again, Grant,” she said softly.

“Good night, Bella,” he said as he started to walk home.

“Grant?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You were there for me, and I am glad to listen.”

“I’m okay. Really. Get some sleep.”

With that, Bella shut the door and Grant started the long process of figuring out what to do next.