Broken Survivor (22 page)

“What do you mean it’s done?” Her Aunt Karen asked, incredulous. “Who are you protecting here, the victims or the asshole who killed my sister?” She started crying and her husband pulled her close.

“What? I don’t understand, what are we doing out here? Clay’s up next, we need to get inside.” She’d pushed past her family to enter the courtroom when the same bailiff grabbed her arm.

“You’re too late. The judge felt it best to let Mr. Gunderson pass while you all were out here on break.”

“Why?” she whispered, deflated, and this time actually let some tears fall.

“Because the last time you all were here, you disrupted his proceeding.” He smirked. “And we had to restrain a man from harming the defendant.” He shrugged. “Maybe next time.”

Christian, grrr.

She growled out loud, remembering when Clay had come out the last time. Her father had lost control, climbed into the defendant’s box, and almost had Clay in a headlock before a few people were able to pry him loose and escort him out in cuffs. If only he’d succeeded. Her frustration grew.

No, no, no, no!

“Holly, babe, wake up.”
Zander shook her shoulder gently as she tossed and turned, moaning in distress. “You’re dreaming again. It’s just a dream.”

Her eyes popped open and she flung herself in his arms. “I was reliving the court days. God, I hope they’re not coming back.” She shook and held on to him tight, remembering the horrible nightmares she’d endured over the years. They happened less and less as time went on but would still come in bursts here and there. As much as she tried, there was just no escaping them. Seeing Christian again must have stirred up another one of his fuckups—the day they went to court and weren’t allowed in because of another of his violent outbursts. What he needed to do was to save it for the day Clay was released. He was like a slow-spreading poison. She shuddered.

“It’s okay, babe, I’ve got you.” Her beloved rubbed her back, and she nodded before she shed more tears. Damn hormones again.

“T-thanks!”

***

His soft snores filled the bedroom as she sat on the edge of the bed beside him. He was stretched out while he slept on his stomach and cuddled the pillows close to him, his mouth slightly open with a little bit of drool dripping on his pillow. She stroked his messy hair and sighed. She’d had a restless night after the memory in her dream surfaced and was afraid she’d have more nightmares if she went to sleep again. She pushed those thoughts aside temporarily, and worry soon turned into excitement as the morning wore on.

Today was the day!

“Zander, honey, wake up.” She patted his bum and he groaned. “Come on, babe. Our appointment is a little less than two hours away.” Holly bounced in delight, shaking him.

“Okay, okay.” He rolled over and threw his arm over his face. “I just need a minute and a big cup of coffee, and I’m good to go.”

“Already beat you to it.” She bent to pick up the mug on the night table and handed it to him. “Milk and two sugars.”

“Mmm, thanks.” He sat up, took a sip of the steaming-hot liquid, and then scooched over to finally get out of bed. “You think Little Guy will cooperate with us today?” He pointed his mug in her direction.

“Or gal.” She smiled, and her hands flew to her midsection again. She had a habit of doing that. “I really hope so. I bought some orange juice yesterday, and I plan to drink a bunch before we go. Somebody at work told me the juice would make the baby more active, so hopefully he or she will allow us to take a peak so I can get started on buying more of the essentials.”

He placed his mug on the dresser and got down on his knees in front of her. His hands replaced hers where their child nestled, and he leaned in to give the little one a kiss. “I can’t wait to see you today,” he said, and she laughed when the baby moved for him.

“I guess it’s fond of the sound of your voice.”

“Damn right,” Zander exclaimed proudly. “Daddy’s little soccer player.” He kissed her belly once more and lightly smacked her butt when he stood. “I’m just going to grab a quick shower while you grab the biggest glass we have to drink that juice from and take your vitamin.” They were so close to one of the greatest moments in their lives—the moment they’d see their baby for the first time. It didn’t get any realer than that.

***

It was showtime.

The lights were dim, her bladder was full to the point she felt like she was about to burst, and the sonogram technician was getting ready for them. Holly lay on the table/stretcher/bed thing with the waist on her pants pulled down, her shirt pulled up, and her midsection exposed while Zander stood near her feet with his eyes already glued to the monitor. She had butterflies up to her throat in anticipation and could have squealed with absolute happiness at what was about to come.

“So is this your first child?” The technician stood and grabbed a white tube from her tray.

“Yes, are we that obvious?” Holly licked her dry lips.

“No, not at all. This may be a little cold going on.” She squeezed a blue jelly onto Holly’s lower abdomen from the tube. “It helps the sonogram glide so we can get a better picture of the fetus.”

“Speaking of, will you be able to tell us the sex today if possible? We’d really love to know,” Zander asked before she had the chance to.

“I’ll see what I can do, but know that we don’t guarantee 100 percent if we do see anything, because we have been wrong before. The umbilical cord can sometimes be mistaken as a penis in some cases. Things like that.” She shrugged. “Why don’t we get started?”

There was a scratching sound at first while she moved the stick thing around to find a good spot, and then the room filled with the amazing sound of their child’s heartbeat again.

Zander’s outburst of, “Holy shit, is that two?” made the technician laugh.

“No, what you’re hearing is her heartbeat as well as the baby’s. Look.” She gestured toward Holly and then pointed to the screen. “There he is.”

“He?” They both said at the same time.

“No, sorry, it’s just a habit. Calling the fetus ‘he’ or ‘she’ sounds so much better than ‘it,’ I always find, although, it could be quite possible, but I’m not there yet. First I’ll take measurements, and then we’ll play around a little to find out if we can see anything.” Their eyes were glued to the screen as she pointed out the head and the body. They saw the arms and legs, the tiny little fingers, toes, and a cute little nose. It was amazing how clear it all was.

“Oh my God, this is so much more than I expected.” She was in awe.

“Well, I’m glad.” The tech smirked. “Everything looks great, and according to the measurements, you’re right on track for a July 27 due date. Now let’s see what we have here. She’s pretty active right now, so there is a good possibility of seeing something today.” She winked and moved the wand around more, flashing pictures along the way. “It looks like…”

“It’s a boy,” Zander mumbled, pointing at the screen. “Look at that.”

What?
Holly lifted to her elbows to take a closer look, and there it was, two little feet floating, legs spread wide apart as if their son was confident and proud of what God had given him, and really visible male genitalia. There was no mistaking it.

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely a boy.” The hospital staffer blushed. “I mean, I’m 99.9 percent sure,” she corrected, affirming her earlier declaration of not being able to say 100 percent.

“
Yyyyesssss!
” Zander whooped and jumped up in the air. “It’s a boy, babe. You did it.”

“No, that was all you.” Holly laughed and wiped away a tear.
A little Alexander!
His reaction filled her heart with so much joy and amazement. She was giving him the son he always wanted, and her heart felt as though it grew two times bigger in that moment.

Chapter Nineteen

“Hey man, thanks for coming.” Her father extended his hand to shake Zander’s, and she was actually shocked by his effort to be nice. She’d given in to the plan of dinner at Christian’s instead of going out. It was out of curiosity, and she figured if he had anything to hide at all, they’d be able to spot it there.

So far, so good. Just breathe.

“Hey, honey, you’re looking good.” Holly tried not to grimace when he pulled her into a hug and stepped back a minute later to get a good look at her. His touch always gave her the heebie-jeebies for some reason, and his lingering looks weren’t any different. Maybe it was because of his violent past, the abuse, or her lack of trust when it came to him. She was guarded and suspicious because he’d always a master manipulator and a great actor. “How’s my grandson doing?”

“How’d you know?” She poked her man in the stomach with her elbow for spilling the beans and widened her eyes.
Deep breaths in, slow breaths out. This is supposed to be about giving him a shot, right? So maybe you’re overreacting here. Would it hurt to give him a little information?

“It’s a boy.” Christian grinned from ear to ear. “Hell, it was wishful thinking until now. That’s great!” He clapped his hands together. “I can’t wait to spend time with him. I can teach him a thing or two.”

“Uh-uh-uh.” She shook her finger back and forth and took a step back. “It’s going to take some time to make sure you’re legit. Until we figure out if you actually have changed, I’m not sure I want my son to be anywhere near you. I don’t mean to be cruel here, but until I am absolutely 110 percent where you’re concerned, there will be no contact at all. You’ll be teaching him nothing.”

Her father was stunned speechless for a minute, and she looked toward Zander for support.

“Sorry, but she knows you a hell of a lot better than I do, so I’ll have to abide by that decision.” He moved closer and put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed.

“If you say so.” Christian made one of those uncomfortable laughs and feigned that he wasn’t taking them seriously. At least she hoped that’s what it was, because she was dead serious. “Make yourselves at home. I just got dinner out of the oven.”

The subject change was a huge relief. A second ago you could’ve cut the tension with a knife, and the last thing she needed was a fight. “It smells good. What are we having?” They moved into the small but tidy eat-in kitchen and took a seat at the table.

“Turkey with all the trimmings. I wanted to make something good.” He began to carve the bird. “It’ll just take me another couple minutes. Anyone want a drink? There’s milk, water, beer?”

“Water’s fine,” she said.

He crossed the kitchen to the fridge and grabbed three bottles, one of water, and the other two were Coors. “Have a beer with me?” He tipped one of the bottles in Zander’s direction and handed her the water.

“I guess I’ll have one. I’m driving, though, so that’ll be it for me.” He grabbed the bottle from her father and twisted the top off. “Thanks!”

Dinner was a little awkward, but they managed well enough. The guys talked hockey and argued over who was the better team. There was talk of work, and the latest car Christian was working on. Holly mostly listened silently unless she was asked something specific. Once she was stuffed, her stomach gurgled. Playing the gracious host, Christian offered them coffee at the end, and they settled into the living room.

“So how long have you been here?” Holly asked and looked around the room. The walls were a pale shade of gray with a couple of old hard-rock posters taped up. An old neon sign from a liquor store buzzed by the window, brightly lit in red and yellow. In the center of the room stood a television on a big wooden entertainment stand. The blue carpet looked to be in dire need of replacement, and Christian also had a homely couch and a La-Z-Boy chair, both looking worn and comfortable. The place was fairly clean, and so far she was pretty impressed by how things were turning out.

“About a year or so. Paige and I are on the outs again right now, so it’s nice to have a place of my own to fall back on.”

“Lovely. What did you do now?” She rolled her eyes. Christian and his girlfriend were like oil and water. They were always arguing about something stupid, and she kicked him out often but always came back to him a week or two later.

“The hell if I know.” He shrugged. “If you see her and figure it out, let me know, will you? That woman’s mood swings are off the charts. She’s fucking crazy.”

“So then why are you with her?”

“Because I love her when things are good, and she’s pretty great in the sack.” He took a sip of his drink and acted as though he wasn’t bothered that what he’d said made her want to throw up.

Well, it did.

“
Ewww!
” She gagged. “TMI, Dad. Don’t ever talk to me like that again, you sicko.”

Her father laughed, and now she was ready to leave.

A loud knock sounded at the back door, and Christian left them to go and answer it.

“Are you ready to go yet?” she asked.

“Whenever you are.” Zander stood when she nodded.

“I’ve had enough dad/daughter time to last a while.” She shuddered. “I think I’m going to need to take things slow where he’s concerned. My gut keeps telling me something is off. Like this is all too good to be true.”

“I understand. I was shocked to hear you tell him that he wouldn’t be in the baby’s life. Kind of proud of you too, though.” He reached for her hand to hold it. “Let’s go find him and let him know we’re calling it a night.”

They were arguing, her father and whoever was at the door. She stopped just outside the kitchen and listened in.

“I told you, now’s not a good time.” Her father sounded on the brink of madness and spoke through gritted teeth.

“I got your stuff, and you owe me some money. I really fucking need it, man. I can’t front you no more.”

“Get the fuck out of here. My daughter’s in the other room, and I can’t have her see you like this,” he growled.

The other guy sounded smug when he answered, “The one who thinks you’re actually drug free? You’re either really good or she’s gullible.”

A spectacular con artist is what he is.

Pots clanged to the floor before Christian spoke again. “Watch your mouth or I’ll cut out your tongue. Now get the fuck out and come back later.”

“What the hell is going on?” Holly turned the corner and stood with her hands on her hips in pissed-off mode. Zander tried to stop her, but she shook him off, and he quickly shoved her behind him once they were in full view. Daddy Dearest had some skinny scumbag by the throat and shoved against the counter.

“Nothing, he was just leaving.” Her father’s jaw ticked, and he wouldn’t make eye contact. She could tell he was holding back from beating the crap out of something, or more likely the someone he was holding captive.

“Oh, come on man,” the guy pleaded. “The cat’s already out of the bag. Let me go.”

“Shut up!” Christian yelled and shoved him back again so that the other man hit his head hard against the cupboard.

“Yeah well, I’m leaving. I’ve seen and heard enough.” She deflated and cursed herself for not listening to her instincts to begin with. There would be no more chances. She wouldn’t be that stupid ever again.

“You stay, he’s leaving.” He shook the guy loose and kicked him while he was down.

“You need to calm down, Christian. I think Holly has seen enough violence. She doesn’t need to witness this shit too.”

Without answering, Christian quickly looked up at her love, and his jaw twitched again. The other man groaned, and a couple of white crystal rocks fell out of his pocket.

Crack!

“That’s it. I’m done.” She grabbed Zander’s hand and stormed out of the apartment. “Don’t call, don’t come by, and don’t think you’ll ever be a part of my life again, you scum-sucking liar. In fact, come anywhere near me, and I’ll get your ass hauled to jail,” she hollered back and quickly jumped in the car to get as far away as possible. Her dad’s curses and shouts fell on deaf ears, and she almost felt sorry for the junky left behind to deal with his wrath some more. She should have known better, and now it was officially over for good. There was no going back.

***

Dear Mom,

I sometimes wonder if these letters are even helping. What happens after you die?

Is there a heaven and hell, or are we already living in it? Do you just cease to exist? Like in an endless black hole of nothingness, kind of like when we sleep without remembering anything of the dreamless night before while we’re alive on this earth? Do we somehow relive our lives like a horrible slide show?

Do you actually get to look over your loved ones left behind? Heck, is there even a God out there? I’d love to think so, because it gives us hope, but silly as it is, I still sit and wonder. There’s so many of them. Which one do you choose?

Religion always confused me, and church seems kind of cultish. Sorry, Big Guy. If you’re up there and do exist, please forgive me. I pray, though. Do you ever hear me?

I’m a little lost, and sometimes it’s still hard to breathe without you. Here I’m having a child with an amazing man, and it should be the happiest time of my life, and it really has been, I guess. But then I think of how much I need you, and I become sad. I have questions and you’re not around to answer them for me. Like do you think I should breastfeed or bottle feed? ’Cause, I tell you, the thought of breastfeeding kind of turns me off. Does that make me a bad person? Would you have had any parenting tips for me? Do you think I’ll be a good mother? I could go on and on…

I do promise you one more thing. I am going to make it my life’s duty to try. I already love this baby inside of me to the moon and back times infinity. I’ll love and cherish him, do my best to make him happy, and do anything else I can to give him the best life possible. And I have no doubt Zander will too. He’ll be such a great dad. Unlike my own!

Sorry. Christian is at it again, and it frustrates the hell out of me. How can one person be so selfish and idiotic? He’s toxic. I can’t subject myself to it anymore. I will not expose my son to him or his lifestyle, that’s for sure, so I’m moving on with my life without him in it for good this time. I hope you understand.

I fear the nightmares are starting to begin again, because for some reason I’m getting more flashbacks. I really wish I had a better memory of your last moments, the healthy, beautiful you. Instead I’m stuck with the latter, the gory, bloody parts. If I could take back listening in on Clay’s conversation, I would in a heartbeat. I certainly wouldn’t have written anything down for you to confront him with. Maybe you would’ve gone to bed instead and nothing would have happened. Will you forgive me?

I’m working toward forgiving myself. The guilt is always in the back of my mind, but I’m trying to be a better person for me, one to make you proud. The bad girl no more.

They say only the good die young, and I believe them because you were amazing, and I’m glad for the time that we had. I just wish there could have been more of it. To think you’ll never see or get to hold your grandson tears me apart inside.

I pray I’m blessed with being able to watch my children grow, to see them have children of their own, and if I’m really lucky, I’ll get to see a few great-grandchildren too. You’ll look out for us, won’t you? Because if it’s up to me, heaven will have to wait a long time before I get to those pearly-white gates.

I miss you so, so much it pains me.

You’re in my heart always.

XOXO

Holly

***

Summer 2001

Four months later

“Oh, I’m not feeling so good.” Holly let out a big burp and blushed.

“You sure it’s not gas?” Skye asked and smirked. Zander was swamped at work and couldn’t make it to the doctor’s appointment today and didn’t want her to be alone so close to the due date, so his mother had offered to stay with her.

She snorted. “I don’t think so. I just feel kind of funny. I can’t explain it.”

“Well, maybe your son got his eviction notice already. You are due tomorrow.” She chugged her coffee and stood. “Thank God we’re on our way to the doctor’s now, so he could check you out.”

“My appointment’s not for another half an hour. Sit and finish your bagel at least.”

“I can say the same to you.” Skye gestured to her own half-eaten bagel and bottle of apple juice.

“I don’t think I can finish mine, but I will try to keep down the juice.” She grimaced.
Damn, what the hell is wrong with me?
She twisted in her seat, feeling not exactly discomfort but more of a constant pressure. “You know what, maybe you’re right. I think I need to at least get some fresh air. It’s too hot in here, and I feel like I’ll puke if I stay.” They left the breakfast establishment near her doctor’s office and walked across the street to go to her appointment She sat on the bench just outside the building’s doors and took a few deep breaths, slowly in and out until the nausea subsided. “Can you tell me what it was like for you?”