Broken Survivor (7 page)

“If Ron thinks he’s going to get away with this, he’s got another thing coming. We are so over!” Jules glared in the direction of the cop car the guys sat in.

Holly groaned. “This is so embarrassing.” She leaned down so that her hair would block her sight of the few onlookers watching the arrest.
Talk about a buzzkill.

Both guys were charged and shipped off to jail to await their chance to see a judge in court. Luckily, because it was a first offense and the cops determined that the girls weren’t involved other than being along for a joy ride, they let them off with a warning. The hardest part of the whole experience for Holly was the phone call to Charlotte to let her know she’d been arrested and needed to be picked up.

***

“Are you kidding me? She doesn’t show up when she’s supposed to, gets arrested, makes you pick her up in the middle of the night, and she gets the right to sleep all day? Ugh!”

Holly was startled awake by Sierra arguing with her mother before Sierra stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind her. She cringed as the memories from the night before came rushing back.

Charlotte knocked on her door, then poked her head inside and smiled sheepishly. “I guess you heard that, huh?” She walked in and shut the door softly behind her. “Don’t mind Sierra. You just gave us all a worry last night.”

“I’m sorry,” Holly whispered. She then recounted everything step by step in her mind and cringed. “I’m mortified, and can assure you this will never happen again.”

“I certainly hope not. Listen, Holly, I know you’re going through a lot of things right now and it’s hard to process the reality you now live in, but you have people who care about you. I hope you know that.”

“I do, thank you.”

“Good. Now you rest up and enjoy the day off, because I’d like you to stay in today and think about things. In the meantime…” Charlotte stood and stretched. “I’m going to go get some errands done and think of another consequence for your actions.”

***

“Hello, Holly, you’re looking well.” Jace motioned for her to take the vacant seat in front of him.

“Thanks, I guess.” She bit her lip and decided to keep her weekend festivities to herself. She didn’t need the lecture. She already felt bad enough.
Lesson learned, big-time.

“You guess?” He shook his head. “Honestly, Ms. Hewitt, you need to learn how to take a compliment. We’ve got to work on some positive thinking here. When we’re positive and feeling good, it makes us want to succeed and gives us a determination to want to better ourselves, don’t you think?”

“If you say so.” She shrugged.

“I do, so…” He got up and clapped. “What do you say we play a game?”

“What kind of game?” She eyed him warily. “Because that’ll determine whether or not I play along.”

“Well, for today it’s a word game. I say a few words, and I want you to think of something positive to say about them. It’s easy. For example, if I say
February
, you could say something like,
love
, because February is associated with Valentine’s Day, and so on.”

“Let’s give it a shot, I guess.”

“Okay, great. So here it goes. June?”

“Birthday.”

“Good, now how about books?”

“An escape.”

“Sister?”

“Protector.”

“Father?”

“Let’s not go there.” She scowled. “I’m sorry, but there is nothing positive associated with that word for me.”

He nodded and carried on. “Something we can bring up at a later time. School?”

“Friends.”

“Mother?”

Sadness crossed her face, and she couldn’t keep her answer to one word when it finally came to her. “Beautiful, unconditional love, protector, nurturer, amazing, kind, good, heartfelt, one of a kind, the best—God, I miss her.”

“Okay, okay, those are some great answers.” He held out his hands and continued with the exercise. “Child?”

“Sweet.”

“Home?”

“It used to mean safety once upon a time.” She looked up from fidgeting with her hands and wiped a lone tear away. “At least, when it was just the three of us, it was.”

“You mean your mother and sister as well as you?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “When Christian was around, you never knew what to expect. There’d be good days and bad, horrible times. When he was in jail, or would attempt to go into rehab, it was fantastic. My mom would be at ease, there were no eggshells to walk on, and we spent a lot of quality time together. There were shopping trips, the beach, movies, and Thursday night dinners at Hurley’s Restaurant on the market. You see, they had these awesome specials on the finger foods, and we’d go to town stuffing our faces with nachos, chicken wings, zucchini sticks, and potato skins.” She gave a sad smile. “Things got bad sometimes, but I’d like people to know she did the best that she could with what we had. Every time our dad threw a tantrum she’d throw herself in front of him so my sister and I wouldn’t get hit. She had a great sense of humor and always went out of her way to help those in need. She used to organize trips for the kids in the neighborhood to keep them out of trouble to places like La Ronde in Montreal and stuff. She hosted dances and got the tenants’ association rolling on putting up a new play structure in the park.”

Holly snorted. “She didn’t even live long enough to see it happen, though they did pay tribute by naming the new park after her because she did so much for the community. Every one of my good memories involved her, and now it seems all I have is the bad.”

“Your mother sounds like a pretty good person.”

“She is. Was.” She cleared her throat and swallowed.

“You certainly have positive memories to carry with you. Why is it I get the feeling you’re trying to defend her?” Jace leaned forward in his seat and waited patiently.

“Because of the bad memories. I’m always afraid people will get the wrong impression of her just because she made some mistakes. Had low self-esteem or something, hell, I don’t know. You’re put down and beaten enough times, you begin to doubt your self-worth, right? But she protected us. It’s easy to judge when you’re not walking in the other person’s shoes, especially if you’ve never been abused, and she was such a good person. I’m glad she was my mother, and now that she’s gone, I feel like I need to let everyone know about her. It also keeps her memory fresh, because I’m afraid that one day I might forget her.”

“Why would you think so?”

“I don’t know, because she’s not here. I was listening to people say things about her at the funeral, and I was like, oh yeah. There were things I’d forgotten already like the quirky way she used to sing to us when we were little, ‘I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it, I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it, baaaaby…’” She sang the short lyrics and put her head down again.

“Would you like to talk about what happened to her that night?”

“No.” She shook her head. “Not today. Please don’t make me.”

“I would never make you do anything you weren’t comfortable with, Holly. I do hope one day you will trust me enough to open up, though. We’ve had a good day today, and I do think we are making progress. Would you like to finish up the game we started?”

“Okay.” She felt a bit vulnerable and figured the faster they wrapped up this game, the sooner the session would be over.

“In ten words or less, describe yourself to me.” Jace leaned back and looked as though he was trying to give her some space while she thought about it.

“I thought you were giving me words and I would think of one good word to go with it?”

“Humor me.” He sat up now and encouraged her. “Go on.”

“I only need one anyway.” Holly squirmed in her chair and rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans. “Broken.”

“What?” Jace shook his head. “Come on, Holly, you can do better than that. We’re working on positive words right now, and although I can understand why you may feel broken, there are many great qualities about you I can name. But this isn’t about me giving you an answer. I’d like you to give me some instead.”

“Fine.” She sighed. “I guess I’m a survivor.”

“
Survivor
definitely works. It signifies strength, which is a great quality to have.” He exhaled loudly before continuing, “
Broken
as a word alone sounds pretty negative, but I like the ring to it when you add the word
survivor
after it. They’re two words you wouldn’t associate with each other normally, but for you, I think it’s a perfect way to describe yourself and how you’re probably feeling. One we’re working on, while the other we’re working to make stronger.”

“I kind of like it too.” Holly gave him a shy smile.

“Well, my broken survivor,” Jace teased, “I think this was a great meeting, don’t you? How about we meet again next Friday?”

***

“Hello, is anybody home?” Holly raced up the stairs to see Charlotte. She’d had a great day, and she wanted to tell her about the meeting with Jace. It was a small relief to get a few things off her chest, and she was proud of the baby steps she’d accomplished on the road to feeling better. Her pain was far from over, but she was getting there.

“I’m in the living room, Holly.”

“Hey, where is everybody?” She halted as she entered the room, and her smile faltered. “Hello, Lauren, long time no see.” She hadn’t seen her mother’s friend for at least two years, so she bent to give her a quick hug and decided to take a seat. “What’s going on?”

“Well, you remember our talk the other day, when I told you I was going to think about the consequence of your actions on the weekend?” Charlotte asked.

“Y-yeah.” She looked between the two ladies in front of her and became confused.

“Well, we’re worried about you, and I think it might be best if you got away for a while. Sierra hasn’t been very happy, you’ve been getting into some trouble, and I think going to stay with Lauren will be our best option.” Charlotte winced when Holly’s face became an emotionless mask.

House number fucking five.
She’d be damned if she’d let them see her succumb to tears anymore.
Good God, please tell me this isn’t happening again.
And man, was it ever hard to hide her feelings this time. She was strong, damn it, but she was falling apart too. “I feel like a football. Do you know how that shit feels? To be tossed like that.”

“I’m sorry, honey.” Lauren reached for her hand. “You can bunk with Shelby until we get the spare room ready, and you can decorate it however you want. So start thinking what colors you’d like for the walls and such. As far as I’m concerned, this’ll be the last move, because I’m looking at this as a long-term thing. I’ve gotten in touch with social services, and I’ve decided to make you a foster child in my home.”

Holly let out a huge breath, not even realizing she was holding it until Lauren finished. “When do I have to leave this time?”

“I’ll pick you up on Saturday, so try and enjoy the rest of the week with Charlotte, and we’ll get you settled before you know it.”

“Sure.” She stood, not wanting to stick around and hurried to the solitude of her temporary room.
Not that there’s anything wrong with Lauren or her home, but it sucks having to move again. Why me? Will I ever have the chance to settle down and try to be normal? At this rate, not bloody likely.
She felt so lost and alone mindlessly going through life just to get by. Nothing felt right anymore.

Chapter Six

Spring of 1995

Holly opened the door to her bedroom and stretched in the hallway after a refreshing afternoon nap. She could hear her foster parents talking from the dining room in plain view from where she stood, so she turned to wave but froze and straightened her posture when she saw him.
Shit!

He was tall, cute, young, and he stopped talking midsentence to check her out.
Way to give a girl notice. I must look like hell
,
she thought and quickly retreated to the bathroom to do her business.

She’d been at her foster home for a little while now and was slowly starting to adjust to the strange territory. So far it wasn’t so bad.

After she had found solitude again in her bedroom, Lauren knocked on the door. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m good.”

“I was hoping that you would say that. Shelby needs to talk to you. Would you mind meeting her in the living room?” Shelby was Lauren’s youngest daughter.

“Uh, sure, I’ll be out in a minute.” That was weird. Shelby was a nice person and all, but she was a couple years her senior, and it wasn’t like her to go out of the way to have a conversation, especially with Holly.

When she stepped out of her bedroom, the guy was still standing in the same spot talking with Andrew, Lauren’s husband, and she’d caught sight of his big brown eyes as he took a curious glance in her direction again. He looked to be about Chrystal’s age. At almost six feet tall, he had messy hair that one just itched to tame. It was a little curly and so dark brown, it looked black. He had a trim, athletic body, a gorgeous olive complexion, and wore his jeans snug in all the right places. But who was he?

She tore her eyes away from his as she saw her foster sister on the couch. “Hey, Shelby, what’s up?”

“Nothing much, have a seat.” She gestured to the chair across from her. “It’s all right, Hol, take a deep breath. You’re stiff as a board.” She waited a moment as Holly sat down and studied her. “Better now?”

Holly nodded. She’d been having anxiety problems for years, and sometimes getting control of her nerves was hard, especially when she felt as though she was on the spot. Like right then. The air would become thick, and her breathing turned heavier, as though there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. Her hands would shake, and on the odd occasion she would pass out.

“Good, because I just wanted to know if you noticed the guy over there.”

Her gaze automatically turned in his direction again. Yeah, she’d checked him out and liked what she saw, but she didn’t have a clue who he was and didn’t really care to find out, either. Dating was last on her list of priorities. It never really crossed her mind much, considering how her screwed-up life distracted her on a constant basis. She didn’t have the luxury to be a normal, carefree kid anymore. Losing her mother would have been horrible under any circumstances, but the way it had happened, how it happened, with what she’d seen was beyond horrific. It was definitely something she’d never fully recuperate from.

She was messed up, period.

Christ, three quarters of her “supposed” friends had ditched her because of what had happened. She was a freak and had lost so much already, so why would she want to risk that kind of rejection again? And it wasn’t likely that she’d trust another person enough to fully open up to them anytime soon. Her track record with the opposite sex sucked, and that included her own father.
The dick head.

“Yeah, I saw him, but I don’t know who he is,” Holly said.

“Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.” Shelby pouted but then perked up. Her mood swings were like an emotional whiplash sometimes. “He asked about you just a minute ago, and I was hoping to give him a little information.”

Here we go
, Holly thought and narrowed her eyes. “What kind of information?”

“Well, I was hoping to figure out if there was some potential interest on your end, because I’m pretty sure he has some in you. He was checking you out real good when you came out of your room, and he asked Andrew who you were.” She fanned herself. “Trust me, he liked what he saw.”

Oh, dear Lord, please make this stop.
“Look, Shelby, I appreciate the information. Really I do, but I don’t need anyone playing Cupid right now, and I really hate being put in the spotlight.” She stood, and to make matters worse, her face turned beat-red as she did. Everyone in the room seemed to be looking in her direction, including Mr. Apparently Interested. “I’m just not ready.”

She rushed to the safety of her room once more and sighed when the door closed. It was kind of nice to be noticed, though she would never admit it. She smirked, thinking about the guy in the other room. Shelby may have had good intentions, but right then Holly still needed to stay cautious in everything she did and with anyone she let into her life.

***

I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it. I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it. I love you and don’t you for-duh-get it, baaabyyyy. Cha cha cha!

Cold sweat trickled down the side of Holly’s face, and her heart wanted to take a giant leap out of her chest again. The dream had felt so real, and, good Lord, she wanted it to be. She was seeing her younger self cradled in Emma’s arms while her mother sang her silly song that Holly had thought was so funny at the time. She could still hear her giggles when her mother tickled her and blew raspberries on her belly afterward. Sometimes, her mother would sing it while playing with Holly’s hair when she wanted to relax her. She must have been about four or five at the time, and oh how she longed for that type of affection again, the irreplaceable bond. Emma’s voice seemed to be so clear, as though she’d been in the room, and Holly couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched.

It was a chilling feeling.

“Mom?”

No answer. It was a silly thought—hell, maybe she was going crazy. A cool breeze swept across her room, giving her goose bumps, and she shivered. Her curtains swayed by the open window, and she slammed it shut. There was an eerie feeling to the room now, so Holly huddled into the safety of her blankets to warm up and whispered, “I love you too.”

She dreamed of her mother often. Most were good, but some were bad with cursed nightmares and flashbacks. A lot of the time, Holly found herself afraid to fall asleep just in case. Other nights she just cried to release some of the pain. With no mother and no sister, she felt left behind, tired, haunted, and alone but she just figured that was a part of her punishment to endure and to relive since she harbored so much guilt for starting the argument that night her mother died.

***

By the sounds of the offbeat chorus, she guessed that she was late.
Damn!
“Hey, Jess, sorry.” she said as she walked in the door. It had been ages since she’d seen Lauren’s oldest daughter, which was probably one of the reasons she’d taken her time getting to Jess’s house. Holly was sick to death of the awkward encounters. Her curiosity had been the only reason she hadn’t backed out. Emma had met Tiana a few times and always gloated about what a beautiful baby she was. Jess’s daughter was two now, and Holly wanted to finally meet the little squirt her mother spoke so fondly of. In a weird way it almost made her feel connected to her again.

“No worries, I’m glad you could make it.” And there it was… the look. It was as though a person was feeling both sincere sympathy for her and discomfort at being around her. Picture the “glossy eyed but can’t shed a tear” look mixed with a grimace because of the uncomfortable awkwardness. It just didn’t look good on people, so Holly preferred that they not make the effort at all. She was still the same person, damn it. People either seemed to walk on eggshells around her, afraid she would fall apart, push her to her limits by putting her down, Or they’d just walk away for good.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Holly chuckled. “And it looks like I’m just in time for some cake. Here, let me help you.” The delicious dessert had been cut and placed on a tray to be served. The least she could do was make herself useful. Jesse had her hands full managing her hyper child and entertaining guests.

“All right, people, who wants some cake?” Holly’s smile faded to a blush when she stepped into the living room and met familiar big brown eyes.

He stood in the far corner surrounded by two other young men and an older woman. His dark, wavy hair still itched to be tamed, and for some reason he didn’t seem as surprised as she did to be meeting again. Who the hell was he? And why couldn’t she get over this attraction?
Double damn!

“Is that some interest I see?” Shelby snickered. “Why don’t you go ask him if he wants some cake?” She nudged Holly forward and almost made her drop the tray in the process.

“Hey!” Holly steadied herself. “I can’t just go over there. Jess can bring them some. I mean—” She cleared her throat. “Who are they?” But the million dollar question she wanted an answer to was, who was he?

“Well, his name is Alexander, and the two other guys he’s talking to are Jasper and Sebastian, his older brothers.”

“Names are great, Shelby, but that still doesn’t tell me who they are. And what’s with this whole matchmaker thing you have going on? I’ve already told you I wasn’t interested in getting involved right now.” She was too messed up to even think of it and also a little afraid to take that type of leap.

Her foster sister rolled her eyes. “Lighten up, geez. Sebastian is Jess’s boyfriend and Tiana’s father, so that would make Alexander and Jasper a part of our extended family.” She smiled. “And now that you’re a part of it as well, we might as well go and get the proper introductions over with, huh?”

Not waiting for an answer, she dragged Holly forward, and she had no choice but to follow or cause a scene. She didn’t want the latter. It wasn’t the time or place.

***

“So have you been living with Lauren for very long?”

The cake had been served and eaten, and while she helped clean up, Alexander took the opportunity to talk to her now that they’d been introduced.

“No, just a few weeks.” She gave him a smile.
He seems like a good guy so far. It’s not so bad. Breathe, Holly, breathe, and for the love of God, don’t blush anymore. You’re embarrassing yourself.
The little pep talk in her mind barely worked, and she was reluctant to listen to her instincts. Guys were okay as friends, but anything else made her nervous.

“Well, it explains why I haven’t seen you around until recently.” He helped her take the dishes to the kitchen, and now that they were out of sight from everyone else, he seemed to take a bolder approach. “But I like the view.”

She stiffened a little and wouldn’t look him in the eye. “You like what?” She blushed again.

“I like the view, and I’d like to see you more often. Would you like to—”

“I’m flattered. Zander, really I am, but I’m just not ready to jump into anything right now.” She felt the need to interrupt him to try to spare his feelings. She knew firsthand what rejection felt like, and he seemed like a really nice guy. “I have a lot going on, and it just wouldn’t be fair to start anything with you. I hope you can understand.”

He chuckled. It was an awkward moment, but she had to give herself props for being so honest, and he seemed as though he admired that quality. “I get it, Holly, really. I already overheard you tell Shelby that you weren’t interested, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, does it?” He threw up his hands in good faith. “No funny business, I swear it.”

“No funny business, huh?” She smiled. “Look, I never meant I wasn’t interested. I just don’t think I can give you anything more than a platonic friendship right now. My life is kind of messed up.”

Alexander radiated confidence. A person could tell that just by looking at him. He was laid-back, easygoing, and a little bit of a flirt. “All right.” Now that he knew what she needed, he seemed to admit defeat. “I can do platonic. Maybe we can grab a coffee sometime?”

“Coffee?” She shook her head. “I actually can’t stand the stuff.”

“Seriously?” He laughed. “You certainly don’t make it easy on a guy, do you?”

“You know, I kind of like you,” she teased. “Maybe I will keep you around once in a while. I’ll think about your offer, okay?”

“I’ll look forward to it. I like the nickname by the way.”

“Nickname?”
What he’s talking about, nickname?

“You called me Zander. I usually get Alex. It’s cute, especially coming from you.” He winked. “And I have a feeling that you’ll be worth the wait.” With that said, he left her speechless and went to join his brothers again.

***

“Can you tell me how it started?”

“My mother went out to celebrate her birthday. My cousin and I had spent part of the night hanging out, and she’d just left me to go home. After, I went upstairs to put on my pajamas, but I got distracted.”