Deviation (Deviate Series) (2 page)

“Fuck you
, Timo! Where’s your little bitch? Did she get grossed out by the shithole you call a home or did she finally figure out how you uh, come up “short?” I let my eyes glance down to his poor excuse of a dick.

That shuts him
right up but the look in his eye is murderous. I know what’s coming so I brace myself for the impact. But it never comes. When I open my eyes Elise is covering her mouth with her hands and everyone around us has gone silent. I’m standing behind someone that I don’t recognize, and then I see Timo laid out cold on the floor. The next thing I know, broad shoulders are blocking me. My vision goes blurry for a second and then there’s nothing.

When I come to again the first thing I notice is the fragrance of laundry. It smells just like when it comes out of the dryer. I roll over, shocked to come into contact with a warm, hard, body. I shoot up and scoot across the bed, only to end up falling on my ass on the other side. I bite back a groan and see that I’m only wearing my pink bra and panties. Sober. Shit! I’m totally fucking sober right now. I crawl around looking for my pants but find nothing. I glance up at the bed and see a guy lying there asleep. I stand up and tiptoe towards the door that I’m hoping is the bathroom. I open it, but instead of a bathroom, there’s a hallway.

P
art of the wall looks like the shape of a door, so I start pressing on it. When it finally opens, I see my clothes on the floor of the bathroom by the tub. Shutting the door behind me, I grab my pants and look for the pills but they’re gone. My backpack is missing too and I’m starting to freak out. I stand up and grab the counter when suddenly the door opens. I can’t even bring myself to look at whoever came in. All my focus is on trying to slow my breathing before I have a panic attack.

“Just take a deep breath in; now slowly release it, deep breath in and out.” A deep voice says as the door clicks shut behind him. H
e places his hands on my hips and a shudder races through my body. I look up into the mirror and see a face that looks familiar but I can’t place it. I focus on his blue eyes which are the same shade mine used to be when I was younger. The same blue that reminds me of the innocence and happiness I had in my life before it was taken from me.

“Who are you and where am I?”
My voice is shaky from the warmth of his skin on mine.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” He looks concerned.

I try to remember. I remember walking home in the morning, I remember Timo walking in with that bitch, I even remember meeting up with Ice. I shudder. This guy flexes his hands on my hips, and when I look up in the mirror I see him watching me.
Click
. “You were at the party. I remember staring at you and then I was coming to talk to you when Timo showed up. He was about to punch me-“I stop. He meets my eyes in the mirror, “You stood in front of me and knocked Timo out, right?”

He nods his head yes. I try to understand what’s going on
and remember what happened after that but I come up with nothing. “Okay, so why am I here and who are you?”

He
sighs, “Well, my name is Angel and you are in my house because you blacked out.”

I blacked
out? I guess I took the wrong pill last night. “Okay, but that doesn’t explain why I’m still here. Yeah, okay, I blacked out and now I remember my vision getting blurry but that doesn’t explain why I’m still here-not that I’m ungrateful, but I’m not sure I should be thrilled either.”

He laughs at me. “Well
, after I knocked out Timo, your friend said you could stay with her but she was worried Timo would find you. So I decided to bring you to my place.”

Alright. Well that makes perfect sense
, I think. I feel myself nodding, “Okay, so…. why am I also half naked?”

“Umm, wel
l, when we got here you went into the bathroom and pulled out some purple pill and tried to take it, but you puked. Some got on you so you took off your clothes.” He looks embarrassed.

“Right, and then I got into bed with you?”

“Not exactly. After I helped clean you up, I laid you down and turned to leave when you grabbed my hand and asked me to stay with you until you fell asleep.” His gaze meets mine in the mirror, “I guess I must have fallen asleep next to you.”

I’m so confused
now and feeling emotions that I’m not used to. Crap! I really need a pill or a shot – make that both. “Okay, so you said I tried to take a pill. What happened to the rest of them?”

When he doesn’t answer I turn around to face him and his hands stay on my hips.
I feel their warmth seeping through the barrier I’ve built up over the years. I know that if I’m not careful, he can ruin everything I built in a matter of minutes.

“Well
, I don’t do drugs, and with the way you looked last night, you were going to overdose so…I flushed them,” shrugging like it’s no big deal.

I can feel my anger rising and this Angel guy must see it too because his hands drop from my hips and he starts to back out of the bathroom
with his hands raised. “You did WHAT with my pills? Do you even realize what I had to DO to get those? Do you have any idea of how I had to degrade myself to get those because I don’t have the money to PAY for them? Of course you don’t.” I laugh bitterly. How could you? You live in a perfect house, in a perfect little bubble of your perfect life. You have no fuckin’ clue just how much I NEED those!” I grab my clothes and start putting them on when I spot my backpack. I grab a fresh pair of jeans, a pink tank, and slip on my Converse shoes. Then I rinse my mouth out and pull my hair up into a messy bun.

I find my bike keys
and open the door to leave, but it’s a closet. Crap! I hear him laughing and I glare at him. He points to the next door and it opens to a staircase. I grab my backpack and turn to leave when his voice makes me stop.

“Look I don’t know
exactly what you had to do to get those pills, but I think I have some idea. I also know what it feels like to be constantly on the run. Take this card and call me if you ever need anything.” He walks up to me and tries to hand me his card. I look at it, glance up at him, and just walk away. I run down the stairs, and when I get to my bike I jump on and speed off.

I ran out so fast
that I have no clue where I am. I don’t even remember what his house looked like. Hell, I didn’t even get a good look at
him
! All I know is that our eyes look so similar. Well, mine used to look like that before my life went to shit. I feel my body start to shake.  I need to find Ice fast! He’s going to be so pissed that I lost all those pills and I’m not looking forward to having to “pay his price” while I’m sober. Letting him violate me while I’m high is one thing, but when I’m totally sober? Not an option.

Man,
I have no fucking idea where I am right now. All I know is this guy lives in the nice part of Whisper, the part of town so nice that I wouldn’t be surprised if they charged you to go pee in the store restrooms. During the entire drive to Ice’s house, all I can think of is how Angel’s blue eyes looked as he stared at me. I can picture them perfectly every time I close my eyes and I can still smell his clean scent as it clings to my skin. I shift into the next gear, jerking the bike forward. I need to get something in me now before I go bat-shit crazy.

I pull up to Ice’s house thirty minutes later and park in the driveway this time. I
need him on my side, to understand me, so if that means parking the way he wants me to then that’s what I’ll do. As I’m walking up to the door I hear Timo’s voice from inside the house.
Fuck!
He’s telling Ice not to give me anything anymore because he dismissed me.
He
dismissed
me?
Wow! That’s rich coming from him. As I open the door he grabs my hand. I turn around with fist raised ready to punch someone in the face for laying their hands on me, when I see Elise. I drop my hand as she motions for me to come and follow her.

Whispering, “What’s up Elise?”

She grabs me in a hug, “Oh my God! I’m so glad you’re ok! I was so worried but Angel told me that he would take care of you. After you got in his car, we followed you on your bike. After I found out he was clean, I knew you’d have to come back here to score. I also knew Timo was going to talk shit about you to every dealer, so unless you have money, baby cakes, you are now officially cut off.”

“Are you serious? The
y’re all cutting me off when it’s HIS dumbass that owes them money?” Un-fucking believable!

“We can wait till Timo leaves to s
ee what Ice says. He likes you and said something about you having that ‘good shit,’ so I bet he won’t listen to Timo.” She shrugs it off.

If she only knew that every time I let him near m
e a piece of me dies. Pretty soon there’s going to be nothing left of me for him to take. We grab my bike and push it down to her house, just a few spots down. She gives me something to take the edge off. Its noon and I’m already drinking. I guess its five o’clock somewhere, right? Well, at least it’s what that country song says anyway. We sit in comfortable silence for about an hour before Timo leaves. He’s walking in the opposite direction so he doesn’t notice me. I wait till he’s around the corner before we get up to see what I’m going to have to do to score some more of whatever he has.

The doors open and
he sees us walk up. “Hey baby girl, you just missed Timo, but then I guess that’s a good thing. He told me you went all psycho and to not to give you anymore pills. What’s up with that?” He says, smirking.

I know as sure
I’m breathing this godforsaken air, that he knows he’s going to get whatever he wants right now. “Well, you know I caught him with some bitch yesterday and then that bastard tried to hit me last night at the party. The next thing I knew this random guy stepped in and knocked his ass out. After that I guess I blacked out and that guy took me to his place and well… he uh...he flushed my stash, and that’s why I’m back here. So, what do I have to do to get some more?” I stand straighter, raising my chin up, showing that he doesn’t get to me, but of course that’s a lie. He knows it, and I know it. He literally holds everything I need in the palm of his hand, but I also know that I’ve got something he wants just as badly.

“If you and Elise can put on a
little show for me, I’ll give you both another baggy of what I gave you last night, baby girl.” His eyes are gleaming and he licks his lips as he takes a seat on the couch.

I look over at Elise and I can see her weighing her options. Sh
e’s been on this longer than I have so I know she’s not going to pass up something for free. But I don’t know if I can play this game anymore. My soul is screaming for me to just walk away, but my head doesn’t hear anything other than “free drugs” being offered to me. Okay, then I have to set some boundaries. “A show” means dancing to music, stripping, and kissing, but that’s as far as it goes. If you wanna fuck us or her- whatever, but I don’t swing that way.” Elise agrees with me.

“Sounds like a plan girls. Now, let’s
get to it.” He laughs.

I walk into his kitchen and grab his bottle of Everclear
and shot glasses. I can’t do this sober, so I do what I do best. I drink. I pass Elise a full shot glass. We shoot it back and then kiss. I hear music in the background but don’t have a clue what it is. I get lost in the burn of the alcohol going down. After another shot, I take off her shirt, followed by another shot, then I take off her pants. After yet another shot, I sit her on the table in front of Ice.  My lips are numb, and my brain is fuzzy. I stand in front of both them and Ice is starts to rub all over Elise while I dance for them.

I rip off my shirt and
take a shot. I run my hands up my body, unclasp my bra, letting it fall to the floor. I unbutton my jeans, and then move my body to the beat of the music bending down low to take my jeans off. Ice is mesmerized as I grab the bottle and pour alcohol in Elise’s navel. I lick it up as Ice stands behind and pushes inside me. As Elise is pouring alcohol into my mouth I can read her expression. She knows. She knows how fucked up this is, and she understand why we have to do it. After Ice finishes with me, he moves on to Elise for a repeat performance. I pour the alcohol down her throat until he’s finished.

We get dressed as he goes to r
etrieve our little baggy of salvation- our ticket out of hell.

As soon as he
puts the baggies in our hands, we bolt out the door to her house. I’m way too wasted to ride my bike right now and I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway. Elise told me that I can stay with her as long as I need to, but we both know that Timo will come looking for me here. I need to come up with some sort of plan. I guess I can keep going to parties and crash there like I usually do. Then I can come back here during the day. Shit. I need gas though. And without Timo I don’t have any money to keep paying for it.

We must have passed out in her bed watching TV
because the sun has set and now it’s dark outside. I swallow two pills before I even get out of the bed and then take a quick shower and put on the same clothes, minus panties, of course. There’s no way in hell I could put them back on after being with Ice. Ugh, I cringe. Ice is the devil, so I guess that makes me his demon? That sounds about right. My family dies while I get to live. I guess I wasn’t welcome in heaven or I wouldn’t be here. Well, that’s funny since Mom used to say I was their miracle that’s why they called me Nevaeh. I pop another pill, needing to feel numb.

I tell Elise
that I’m leaving and borrowing a blanket. She loads me up with some bottles of water, and some filled with alcohol, and crackers. It’s not much, but it’s better than what I have, which is nothing. I ride my bike toward the manmade lake. It’s nice out, a little muggy so it’s going to rain soon. When I get to lake, I find a spot to hide my bike in case cops come around because I can’t let them find it and bust me. I put the blanket on the grass and lie down. It’s quiet out here except for the occasional bird chirping or the sound of the water. It’s about as peaceful as I can get, so I pop another pill which makes number four. I’d better pace myself. I grab one of the bottles of vodka and start sipping it.

I lose myself looking at the
stars and I wonder if my family is looking down at me. Are they disappointed in what I’ve become? I know I am. I once had dreams and hopes for the future like everyone else. I wanted to see the world and experience all it had to offer and then fall in love and get married. But most of all, I just wanted to be happy. And I’m none of those things today, obviously. When my family died they took that possibility away, or maybe it was me that did that. All I know is that a part of me died along with them and I never got over it. I chug half the bottle and then give in to the haze that’s taking over me.

It looks like the
stars are moving. I can no longer focus on anything and that makes me smile. This feeling, this is what I’m used to. It’s what I need.  To be right on the border between consciousness and sleep. That’s the place where nothing matters but the numbness. I feel myself start to drift off and then I look down and I can actually see myself spread out on the black blanket. I’m like a burnt spot in the brilliant green of the grass. The trees are so high and the leaves are so full the birds are hidden from view. The water looks mysterious and murky. Just like life, it’s full of dark secrets, and driven by an unrelenting current pushing it, or is it pulling? I float down and hover right above the water and look at my reflection. Lifeless, that’s how I look now. I’m so pale and colorless except for my eyes. For once they are shining like the stars. They show only a hint of the secrets, hopes, and desires that are locked inside.

Wait,
I shouldn’t be able to see myself, right? Out of body experiences, isn’t that what they’re called? That can’t be happening. I know this logically, but I can’t seem to will myself back in my body. I see someone approaching me and he looks familiar, but at this angle, I can’t really see his face.

“Nevaeh?” he calls.

I don’t respond. He runs over to me and tries to wake me up. I can’t feel his hands on me and that’s starting to scare me. I touch my arm where his hand is and there’s nothing- no warmth, no tingling sensation, just… nothing. He tilts my head back, and presses down on my chin to open my mouth. He pinches my nose, and breathes air into me. I bring my hand up to my lips. Suddenly I can feel them on me, I can feel the spark of life ignite and he continues working on me. Then I feel myself being drawn to my body and my eyes are open to see Angel staring at me as I finally take a breath on my own.

“W
hat are you doing here?” That’s the first thing that comes out of my mouth? I’m stupid, so freaking stupid. No, “thank you” or “what happened.” Mortified, I look at him, and I mean really look at him. He’s absolutely stunning, and his blue eyes capture my gaze and hold it there. He looks… worried? Why would he be worried? He doesn’t even know me so why should he care? He does care though because I can see it in his eyes and he’s smiling. He laughs and says “It’s lucky that I was here and found you, otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now.”

He’s
absolutely right, but I still don’t feel like thanking him since I’ve been cheated out of death once again. Damn! I must be cursed to walk this earth since I can’t even die by accident. I sit up and come face to face with him. But whatever I was about to say was lost as I moved closer to him. Strangely, now all l want to do is kiss him and to have his lips on mine again, actually feeling it this time. Weird! Being around him is making me want to feel? This just can’t be good. I need to get away from him fast before he tries to “save me” again. 

I want to make sure he doesn’t so I say to
him, “Did you ever think that maybe that was my intention? Maybe I don’t want to be here in this place. It may look beautiful now with all the colors of the sunset but it’s actually just a clever disguise for my own personal hell. Did you ever think that? No, of course you didn’t.” I get up and walk down to the water.

I’m pissed
at him. Actually, I’m livid, even though I have no reason to be. It’s not his fault, after all, and instead of acting like a crazy bitch, I should be thanking him. I hear him approach and just when I’m about to turn around, he places his hands on my hips again. He leans in and whispers, “We both know that wasn’t your intention.
And even though you feel like pushing me away, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Excuse me? Just w
hat the hell does that mean? “I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Angel. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it long enough.” (Of course I haven’t. Not a good job of it anyway.)

“Why won’t you let me help you?”
He asks, seeming genuinely curious.

Should I tell him why? If he helps me, that
help always comes with expectations. “Why? I’ll tell you
why
. It’s because nothing comes for free. There’s always a catch. So, what’s yours, huh? You want to help me so you can fuck me whenever you want?  Is that it?” I yell.

“Do you always answer a question with a question?” he challenges.

“Do you always evade a question with another question, Angel? What’s it to you whether I live or die anyway, drugs or no drugs?” I challenge back.

“If we keep
at this we’ll be here all night with hundreds of questions and no answers.” He states.

T
hat might be true, but he’s still being evasive. “So, I guess we’re at a crossroads then. Do you keep evading my questions or do you ‘man up’ and tell me what you want? What do you mean by ‘you’ll never leave my side?’ What the hell is that all about? You don’t even know me, so spare me your half-ass attempt to convince me you care.”

Unfazed by my rant,
he says, “But I do know you. Well maybe not “you” exactly, but I’ve been where you are now. I’ve lived like you- on the streets, doing whatever you have to do to score the next fix just to get through each day. Believe me when I tell you I want to help you. I know you’re better than this.” He gestures to me, “you’re beautiful, but you use that beauty to get what you want. So, you want to know what my ‘catch’ is? I’ll tell you what. If you come home with me and stay there, just so I can help you, the only thing I’ll ask for in return is that you let go of whatever negative image you have of yourself. If you can do that, if you can let go of the past, the drugs, and everything that’s been hurting you, I can and will stand by your side.”

Oh my god! Seriously?
“Do you even hear yourself right now? Do you know how totally insane you sound? You don’t know me from Eve, yet you offer your ‘services’ to help me because you’ve quote, unquote, been in my shoes?” Sorry dude but no sale. I’m all for you rehabbing yourself or whatever works for you, but maybe I don’t want to be rehabilitated. Maybe I like this path that I’m on, especially if it gets me closer to my family.” I whisper the end, momentarily letting something personal slip.

I turn around and break
his hold. I immediately miss the spread of warmth his hands caused through my body. I grab a pill from my backpack and wash it down with what’s left in the bottle. It’s not having the desired effect. I desperately need the release that comes from being in oblivion, the nothingness that resides in my soul, and my heart. The blackness is filling me up and I feel like I’m drowning. But I can’t stop it. I’d rather drown in darkness than to feel anything at all. I start packing up my stuff since it’s almost dawn. I
so
don’t want to be around happy people right now.

“Nevaeh, please listen to me,” he begs, “I know it doesn’t seem like you can
, or even want to do it, but what harm is there in just giving it a try?”

You’re kidding me, right?
“What can it hurt? I don’t know what you did before you became the ‘new and improved you’ or whatever, but I’m the way I am right now in this moment…” I trail off, swallowing the lump that’s formed in my throat. “I mean, the reason I’m the way I am right now is so I don’t have to feel anything! Do you get that? Are you happy now, Angel? Is that the answer you were looking for? Is it?”

“No
, that doesn’t make me happy at all. Of course it doesn’t! Don’t you realize how much potential you have? Don’t you know that you can actually be happy without the help of those?” He points to the bag that I didn’t even realize I was holding.

“
I can tell that neither one of us is going to give in, and as much as you say want to save me, this situation is really about you  as much, or even more, than it is about me. Listen to me, Angel. I. don’t. Want. To. Be. Saved! Do you understand me? You don’t get to play ‘Prince Charming’. I’m not a princess and my life is about as far from a fairytale as you can get.” I stand firm crossing my arms over my chest.

He looks at me intently. “You might be right. Everything you said might very well be true,
but at least come home with me now. I just want to know you at least have a safe place to sleep. And who knows, Nevaeh? I might not be ‘Prince Charming’ and this might not be a fairytale but maybe, if you just give me a chance, it could lead to something magical,” he pleads.

I don’t like this at all.
I don’t like the way he’s trying to take responsibility for me. In fact, I tell him just that. “Angel, I’m not your responsibility. I’m a big girl and whether you think so or not, I’m totally capable of taking care of myself.”

He
runs his hands through his hair and I can tell he’s frustrated that he can’t get through to me. “Please. Just for today? This way you can at least get some sleep, food, and a shower. I swear I won’t touch you or anything and you can stay in the guest room again.”

Ugh. He is obviously not going to let this go. “Okay, let’s say I agree to this.
If I say yes, will you promise to drop everything else and not try to ‘reprogram me’ or whatever crazy things you have planned? No deep psychological probing in to what makes Neveah tick, okay? That’s not up for discussion, so don’t even try.”

“
Okay, you’ve got a deal… for now,” he says then walks away.

I’m so frustrated with him that
I take another pill and reluctantly follow him to the lot. I follow him on my bike back to his place. I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to accomplish since the one thing I pride myself on, the one thing I like about myself is that once I set my mind to something that’s it. Nobody can change it. I can’t be anything more than what I am right now, and if he thinks he can “fix” me, then he couldn’t be more wrong. I guess the best thing to do is just play along for now and let him find that out the hard way.