Deviation (Deviate Series) (4 page)

He’s so close to me that
I can feel his breath on my stomach. My body is trembling with need as he slowly slides my pants down. I hold on to his shoulders as I lift one foot up then the other. As he stands up he runs his hands up my legs, my sides, until they rest on my hips. He’s flexing his hands, digging into me, sending sparks coursing through my body. Then he backs away, grabs the nightgown, and pulls it over my head.

The bounda
ry lines are starting to blur, something I can’t let happen. I turn away from him and walk to the bed. I get in and cover myself up then I hear the door to the room click shut. I know I shouldn’t care that he didn’t say goodnight to me or sweet dreams, but I do. My last thought is how amazingly blue Angel’s eyes are, and how much he makes me want to be a better person, even though I know I can’t.

I can’t remember the last time I woke up so comfortable. With my eyes still closed I stretch and feel the sun’s warmth on my face and smile. Content for once, with no fear of opening my eyes to see what random house I’m in. I’m safe and… happy? That can’t be right, can it?

“You have a beautiful smile Nevaeh, you should
do it more often, “Angel says through his own smile.

It’s funny how you can tell when someone’s smiling by the way the words flow out of their mouth. I open my eyes to see him standing in the doorway.
As I try to prop myself up against the headboard If all back against the pillow from putting pressure on my right hand. Angel is immediately on the bed examining my hand. Knowing what he’s going to say before he says it, the moment of happiness vanishes, replaced by the black cloud always hovering above me.

With Angel’s help, I get up and walk over to the closet to look for something to wear. I grab a pair of jeans and a tank. I’m trying to pull on the jeans, but like last night
, my ability to dress myself is nonexistent. Therefore Angel throws the jeans to the side and helps pull a sundress over me. It’s a beautiful blue. It makes my tan seem darker and my eyes seem more vibrant. I see a pair of black cowboy boots calling my name and put them on. I can only run a brush through my hair and with the condition my hand is in, it’s impossible to pull it up or braid it like I want to.

I head out of the bathroom and into the living room as Angel opens the
door and we get in his car. His car is really nice. I realize he must be really rich. I don’t even know what kind of car this is, all I know is that its shiny black, and the interior is a tan leather. This nice, expensive car is driving me to the hospital. How can I be so stupid? I’ve made it a point to stay out of hospitals since I don’t have money to pay the bill and no ID to prove that I’m actually Neveah Rodgers.

“Maybe I could just wrap it and hope it works?”
I ask.

“No you need a cast
.  I already told you last night that I’m not going to argue with you about this,” he snaps.

I keep quiet the rest of the drive there.

The waiting room is packed but I get rushed in since my hand is massive and indigo. A few hours and hundreds of x-rays later, I now have a hot pink cast on my right arm. The doctor says I need to keep it on for the next 6 weeks. Angel convinced the nurse not to drug test me or prescribe me pain meds. What an ass. I know he’s trying to look out for me but right now it’s just annoying. My hand is throbbing and I could really use those pain killers. Getting a cast put on with no numbing isn’t fun. Angel discovered this firsthand when I squeezed his hand until it practically turned blue.

As we’re driving home I become fidgety and my leg won’t stay still.
We’re almost home Nevaeh, just take deep breaths,” he says, his voice shaking.

“It’s starting isn’t it?”
I already know the answer, withdrawal symptoms are starting. It’s been 12 hours since my last fix. I know by Angel’s nervousness that my stash is gone.

We pull int
o the driveway and he locks the car doors as if I’m five.

“You do realize that I’m not five and can
open the door right?” I’m in the process of giggling when I stop and look at him with wide eyes. What the hell was that? I don’t laugh and I sure as hell don’t giggle.

“Yes
, I do realize that but I want you to listen to me and I can’t say anything when you’re planning to run away already. “ He raises his eyebrows. “I know you’re starting to go into withdrawals and I also know you’re going to look for anything in that house to help cope. So let’s go inside and get out all the throwing and shit-talking because my neighbors don’t need a show.”

He climbs out and walks inside. I can’t jump on the bike since I can’t use my right hand. I could walk but I have nowhere to go. So my only option is to go inside and face the music. I get
out of the car, slam the door, then slam the house door shut. I can feel my blood beginning to boil. Anger, I can deal with anger, it’s everything else I’m terrified of.

“Ok
ay, first, so now that you punched the door and slammed the door, you need to know that in the basement is a workout room that will help with taking out your anger. Second, I flushed your pills… again. Third, there is absolutely no alcohol in the house including the bottles you had in your backpack.”

He ducks as my left hand comes up to slap him. “What the fuck Angel
, you said you wouldn’t touch my stash.” I scream and try, but miss, again, to slap him. Not having your dominate hand sucks royally.

“That might have been the case if it didn’t have this odd effect on you
like slurring your words... I’ve taken pills with alcohol before and none of them had that effect on me. We might as well get all this out of the way while we can.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make
! God, how could I be so stupid to trust you? I knew this shit was going to happen. I knew as soon as you saved my ass that I was going to start feeling emotions around you. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANGEL! Why can’t you understand that there’s shit in my past that I don’t want to remember and that’s why I drown the memories?”

I start trashing the place, looking for prescription
drugs, alcohol, anything that can take the edge off. This is too fucking much. I can already hear their voices in the back of my head.

“It’s been over 12
hours Angel… I’m not strong enough for this. I’m not you, I can’t change my life. They all were right. I’m nothing but a white trash girl with no family that’s only good for sex.” I can feel tears in my eyes.

Angel is about to say something but I bolt out of the kitchen. I make it to the one door I didn’t get to see yesterday and slam it shut.
Turning the lock on the door, I grab a chair and put it under the door handle so he can’t open it.  I start pressing on the walls trying to find the door to his bathroom, when Angel stars slamming his shoulder into the door.
Click.
The door opens and his bathroom looks just like mine. I start opening cabinets throwing everything out all over the floor. Nothing, there’s nothing here. I find some cold medicine underneath the sink and as I’m opening the bottles Angel busts in and grabs them out of my hands. He turns the bottles upside down, empting them down the sink and runs the water cleaning the inside of the bottles.

“Nevaeh,
stop, you’re better than this. You’re not trash nor are you just good for sex.” He screams at me so loud that I cringe back. It’s an automatic reaction. A memory resurfaces of fourteen year old me being yelled at.

It only fuels my anger
with him. I wouldn’t be talking about feelings or looking psychotic if he didn’t flush my stash. “Look here buster, I don’t know who the hell you think you are but you have no idea who I am let alone what I am. If you didn’t flush my stash for the
second
time I wouldn’t be doing this stupid shit right now.” I’m completely flustered and my hands are waving around like they have a mind of their own. I snap my mouth shut fending off the desire to tell him off some more. I push past Angel, which was difficult since he almost took up the whole damn door frame, and make it through the door he busted down rather impressively. I then push open the door to my room and slam it shut. I’m pushing as hard as I can all over the wall in an attempt to locate the door to the bathroom. When the door finally opens, my momentum causes me to slide across the tiled floor. My body connects with the bottom of the toilet and my face makes the porcelain bowl’s acquaintance. I have a feeling me and this porcelain are going to be best friends for the next few days, if not weeks.

With my face resting on my folded hands, eyes closed, and dry heaves
wreaking havoc through my body, I hear the faucet turn on. “Go away Angel. You are the last person I want to see right now, let alone see this shit.” I manage to finish before the next wave of puking commences.

“Here, put this on the back of your neck and take a sip of this water
.” He says calmly, like all his anger has dissipated.

I take what he’s offering so he
will leave but instead he sits down next to me. I scoot over so no part of us is touching because I’m puking my guts out and that’s just gross and I’m still pissed as hell at him and … well his touch does things that I don’t need to worry about right now. I lift up on my knees as the next round spews from my mouth. It’s a good thing my head is in the hole otherwise I would be cleaning up some rank puke.

As that round starts to wind down, I can feel Angel’s hand rubbing my back. I swat his hand, “Seriously dude, I don’t need a babysitter. I’ve already been here before and this is just going to get uglier so you can leave. Go call someone and go out on a date. Go watch a game, a movie, anything just get the heck out of HERE!”

He laughs, “I’m not going anywhere. I told you I’m here for you and that I’m not going anywhere. So suck it up and just deal with it.”

Ugh, I can hear the smugness in his voice and
attempt to say something smart assed, when more chunks come up. What the fuck, I haven’t eaten in a while so what the hell is this crap? I’m exhausted, throwing up is exhausting. I take the towel off the back of my neck and wipe my mouth with it. I feel as if I’m burning up so I shuffle back and lay down. I let the left side of my face rest on the cold tiles so I can look away from Angel because I know I look like shit. I lasted one day the last time I tried to get clean. One damn day. I couldn’t last any longer than that? How the hell am I supposed to do this, especially with him around me all day and night? He’s going to be the overprotective mother I never had.

“Fine, if you’re going to be in here stay on your side and keep your hands to yourself. I don’t need to be treated like a princess or like you’re my mother
, okay? Got it?” I turn my head, scowling at him to make my point clear.

“Whatever you say sunshine
,” he shrugs and smirks.

“Oh dear lord
, it’s going to be a long couple of days. That’s if I make it past today.”

“Oh you’
re not leaving my side, Nevaeh,” his voice is hard, determined.

I didn’t even realize I spoke that out loud. Great the filter to my mouth has now been removed and shit’s going to be flying out. I’m starting to tremble, my teeth are chattering, and the fog that set up a permanent residence on my brain has been washed away with the rain of reality.
Terror like I’ve never felt before starts filling in the gaps and my body begins to quake, like full blown earth shattering, opening up holes in the earth, quakes. If I could see myself I’m sure it looks like I’m having a seizure. I’ve never been more terrified than I am in this moment. I don’t remember this happening the first time, but then again I only lasted a few hours.

I start to sit up and clutch my throat. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating. The walls are closing in on me and all I can see are spots dancing around. Arms circle around me and I stiffen. I’m brought back to when I was fourteen and one of the boys in foster care was with me. It was his last year there so he thought he could get away with it.

“
Its okay, baby, I’ll take care of you. It won’t hurt I promise. See this hug, as he wraps his arms around me, it feels good right? Let me make you feel good.”

I’m crying but there’s no one there to help me. They leave us with him a lot so they can go party. We’re just a paycheck.

The arms around me tighten and I completely loose it. I lash out with an elbow to the persons ribs and when his arms drop I jump up and run to the closet. As soon as the door shut
s I slide down the door and cry.

Everything that I’ve tried to block is bubbling to the surface
; all the images, the pain, and the never ending tears. The name calling, the touches, the slaps, are all being dragged to the surface.

“
Neveah you’re nothing but a whore, a bitch, you’re not good for anything; all you’ll ever be is white trash, an easy fuck, a conquest without the challenge.”

My head falls onto my knees as my hands wrap around me, holding me together as if I’m going to shatter if I let myself go. I can feel vibrations on my back so my hands move to protect my head. It’s then I realize it’s from the door. The vibrations of someone banging on the door are seeping through, penetrating my skin to the recesses of my soul that’s been buried deep.

How am I supposed to do this? I’m not strong, I’m weak that’s why I started in the first place. It’s easier to slip away into oblivion than to face what happened.
Taking pills, drinking alcohol, it’s my one reprieve, and the only time I can see without seeing.

“Nevaeh
, open the door.” He sounds so sad… so lost.

“Just go away Angel,
” I manage to get out in between sobs.

“Baby I’m not going anywhere and I would have already broke
n this door too if I knew you weren’t on the other side of it. Just open the door.”

“No.” I say but my resolve is crumbling. It’s crumbling like the walls I thought I built to protect
myself. Those stupid walls with their lack of fortification. I hear a heavy sigh on the other side of the door.