Deviation (Deviate Series) (5 page)

“Please. Please just let me in
,” he begs.

I can’t help but feel there’s a double meaning here. How could I let him in when
I’m not worth the time and effort he’s exerting? I’m a lost cause and all I’m going to do is disappoint him just like I’m disappointing the memory of my family. Disappointment and shame, that’s all I am, one giant mistake that should have died 9 years ago. I keep my back to the door but manage to place myself in a fetal position. Again I hear a heavy sigh and a body sliding down the door. He’s not going to give up.  Truth be told, his presence is oddly comforting, even if it is on the other side of the door.

Silence.

Who knew silence could be so loud? I open my eyes but see nothing. Its pitch black and the only thing I can think of is that I finally did it. I finally managed to kill myself. This is what I expected, darkness, it’s a warm blanket on a cold winter night. My stomach is churning, I can feel bile rising. I scramble to my feet frantically grabbing at air in an attempt to locate the door handle. I pull open the door and trip over a body but manage to make it to my best friend before the contents located in my mouth burst free. I can vaguely hear groaning over my retching but I don’t care.

When all that’s left are dry heaves I start to relax. Once those cease I get up to go to the sink. I locate my tooth brush grab the tooth paste and clean my mouth. I walk out of the bathroom straight to the bed. I don’t look up when I hear Angel walking
toward me. I don’t do anything but lie there staring at the wall. I feel the bed shift with his weight as he lies down behind me.

I feel defeated. I have no energy to tell him to go away. I, however, have enough energy to cry. So that’s what I do. I cry.

“I’m going to put my arms around you Nevaeh,” he sounds cautious.

I don’t say anything. I don’t move. I know I don’t deserve him but for once I want something so bad that it hurts. So bad that I can destroy myself, or him, in the process and I can’t do that. He deserves something more than me. I cry harder. I cry for the girl I used to be before the heartache. I cry for the love I won’t have. I cry for the boy next to me
. I cry for his attempt to help me when I know, as much as I’m lying right here, I’m going to disappoint him. I cry for him, because as sure as I am about who I am, I’m going to break him.

I
can feel warmth on my face. It’s almost too hot. I start to wiggle away from the heat when an arm tightens around me, causing me to freeze and my eyes to pop open. I take in the arm wrapped around me, securing me to him. My face is resting on a very naked chest and my leg, which is also bare, is tangled between his legs. I try to extract myself from the web of limbs and blankets, to only get pulled in tighter.

“Just five more minutes and then I’ll let you go
,” He whispers then places a kiss on top of my head.

Did I enter the twilight zone? We were just yelling at each other, then I was puking up everything that
was in my body, then I was catatonic, and now he’s kissing my head? I need to get out of here, now. The sooner I can leave and get something to relieve me of the past two days, the better. It’s been two day since I’ve had anything. I don’t feel like throwing up anymore so maybe that portion of the getting sober part is done.

I move some more causing him to groan but he releases me. I get up without a word and go to the bathroom shutting the door behind me. I turn the shower on as hot as
possible and step inside, cursing because I forgot I had the damn cast. I get out real quick and find a bag under the sink. I manage to tie it around the cast and my arm, preventing water from getting in. I sit on the bottom of the shower as the scalding water turns my body red and cry. I grab the loofa and start scrubbing every inch of my skin over and over again. The water is turning cold, numbing me, and reminding me that I’m still present. Reminding me that even though I scrubbed myself raw I still pimped my body out for the next fix. Reminding me that even though I couldn’t fight them off, I was still a whore.

Knock knock knock.

“Are you ok?” Worry. It’s pouring out of him.

I’m not fine. I’m broken and the only way to fix that is to get a fix
, to be able to forget again.

“Obviously I’m not fine
, Angel! Why are you bothering with me? Don’t you see that I’m going to drag you down and disappoint you? I’m going to break you Angel, can’t you see that? Just let me go, let me go destroy my own life,” I half scream and half whisper.

I hear his head hit the door, “I’m coming in.”

Before I can tell him no he’s walking through the door.

“What the fuck
, Angel? Get the hell out of here!” I yell bringing my knees up to cover my boobs and use my feet to block my womanhood.

He reaches in with eyes closed and turns off the water. He grabs the black robe that was on the back of the door
and holds it out for me. I slip it on. The tips of Angel’s fingers brush my shoulders causing a shiver to run through me and a gasp to escape my mouth. Not able to tie the robe, Angel opens his lidded eyes to do it for me.

Fire
, my skin is on fire. It’s radiating out from where his fingers touched me. The way his eyes are roaming over my body is causing my muscles to tighten in expectation and desire to pool between my legs.

Clearing his throat, “
listen to me now, and listen well, because this is the last time I will be telling you this. You are not trash. You will not destroy my life nor will you destroy your own. You are worth every minute I spend with you. You will not break me and I will not let you go. Do you understand me?”

He’s standing in front of me with the most sincere
expression I have ever seen on anybody. His words cause a spark of hope to develop within me. Maybe I can be this person he thinks I am.
You’re nothing. You will never be anything. No one would be stupid enough to love you. You can’t be loved, you’re trash.

“You’re a fool
, Angel, to think that I can be anything more than an addict. I will break your heart. It’s only a matter of when,” and with that I walk out of the bathroom.

I don’t stop. I just keep walking to the kitchen, open the fridge, grab a bottle of water and walk out the French doors. I take a sip of water and then I gulp the entire bottle down. I’m standing on a deck with a breathtaking view of a garden. There’s a pool to the right with lounge chairs
and a path that leads toward the back. I walk along the path, the warmth of the stone sinking into the soles of my feet, and the rays of sun heat my face. I reach the gazebo at the end of the path and breathe in the fresh air. Sunflowers, daisies, tulips, and all kinds of flowers I have never seen before surround me. Peacefulness invades every molecule, relaxing me in a natural way that I never dreamed possible.

I walk back towards the pool, wishing I had a suit. Not that I can get in with my cast but I wouldn’t mind laying out tanning. I detour from the rocks
, walking in the grass instead. I run my hand over some of the flowers lightly, taking in the softness of the petals. I can breathe out here. There’s no one to tell me how ugly I am or how I’m not worth anything. It’s like a sanctuary, a dream. I reach the pool and sit down on the ledge allowing my feet to be submerged in the warm water. My eyes close as the glare from the sun reflects off the water. I feel his presence behind me as he places a bottle next to me. I open one eye as I turn my head to the right. He’s retreating back to the deck and then he’s gone.

Lying back while my feet swirl in the water
, I allow myself a moment to dwell. Probably not the brightest idea but seeing how I can’t do anything but remember, at least I can do it on my own terms. With my eyes closed images assault me. An endless loop starting with the day I lost my entire family to a drunk driver. You would think that would make me stay away from alcohol but it pushed me toward it. Then I remember the foster homes, all fifteen, and out of those fifteen, there were maybe ten of them that I had wished the family would adopt me. Then there’s the other five. It took five different men to break me. I used to be happy, carefree, and full of life. I was smart, I loved school. I knew exactly who I was and who I wanted to be, even after the car accident. It was hard but I was placed with a family that understood. A family that was so much like mine that the separation seemed less. Then I was moved after being there a year. I cried like I lost my parents all over again which didn’t thrill my new guardians.

That’s when it all started. Daddy dearest decided I was old enough to “become a woman” as he put it. No one believed me. Not his wife. Not my case worker. Not anyone. I was branded
a liar and he threatened that if I went to the school or police he would kill me. Every night, for a year, I lost more and more of myself. When I was moved again I hardly spoke. I would wait for the same treatment. After all that’s what I was there for right? It was my duty to service the father for taking me into his home. At least that’s what I was told. I would get lucky in between the disaster homes, but the assaults got worse. I would get hit, forced to do things I… I don’t want to recall. I would be called names and told I wasn’t worth anything. After five years of being told the same things over and over I started to believe them about myself.

I wonder if I slipped into the water right now
, if I would be able to drown away the memories. I sit up and glance at the house to see if Angel is watching me. I don’t feel his eyes on me or see him at any window. I drop into the water a little more and pause. Could I actually do it, drown away the memories and float away? Only one way to see, I silently enter the water. I don’t kick my feet and the robe starts to weigh me down. Panic starts to surface but I push it down. I take a breath and let the water cover me completely but it doesn’t work. I float to the top. Not wanting to make any noise, I take another breath, but I use my hands to keep me under by pushing against the ledge of the pool. The hand with the cast protests but I won’t give up. The air I had in my mouth is swallowed and the pressure is building. I open my mouth and water floods in. I can feel the chlorine burning its way down my throat, filling me up. I blink once, swallow more water, blink again, and then my hands let go. Then darkness descends. They say it takes only a teaspoon of water for you to drown; I had to take in more than that.

Did you know that
your brain still works a few moments after you die, that you can still hear what’s going on around you, even if you can’t reply or move? I guess that’s true because I can hear Angel’s voice. It was so scared and frantic, then a splash and my body is being pulled out onto the sidewalk. I know it’s warm but I feel nothing but cold. Then my head is tilted back and his lips are on mine. I wait for the spark, the thrill that always comes with the first kiss with someone you’re intensely attracted to, but there’s nothing. Then the robe is being opened and his hands are pressing on my chest. His lips meet mine again and I can almost feel them. He continues until water is forcing its way back up and out. Coughing, I gasp for air clawing at my throat.

“What the hell
, Nevaeh? I walk away for five minutes and come back to see you floating face down in the pool. Do you not care about anyone other than yourself?” Angel chokes out.

When I look at him
, after finally getting air to my lungs and expelling whatever remained of the pool water, his eyes are glassy. He’s sitting there soaking wet on the verge of tears and I realize he’s right. I told him I was going to break his heart but I never thought I be around to see it.

I touch my lips because I can still feel his on mine and for the first time I don’t know what to say. Apologizing would be lying because I’m not sorry. I did exactly what I wanted to do but I didn’t take him into consideration. I didn’t think of what it might do to him to have a dead girl floating in his pool
. And that, that right there makes me feel guilty for the first time in…I don’t know how many years. I’m still looking at him and he’s staring at me… waiting for something that’s never going to come. I stand up on shaking legs and turn away from him. I walk to my room and straight into the closet. Seeing my backpack against the wall, I open it up and grab panties, a bra, a tank, and jeans and pull them on. I sling my backpack over my shoulder after fishing out my bike keys. I hope that Angel is in his room taking a shower or getting changed so I don’t have to run into him. I can’t see that look on his face again.

I take a deep breath
, wincing due to the pain from Angel giving me CPR, and open the door to be blocked in by arms folded over a chest. Closing my eyes for a second, I let out the air I didn’t even know I was holding, and look up to meet his eyes. Somewhere along the line I started having feelings for this guy. He may make me angry but he also makes me feel safe at the same time. He’s undeniably sexy but has no idea. He keeps saving me and all I’m doing is destroying him. Attraction, that’s all it is. I’m just attracted to him. I can deal with that because once I’m away from him, attraction flies out the window.

“Angel
, you need to move,” I say. My voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk above a whisper. Hell it hurts to even breathe.

“No
.” There’s no emotion in his voice. It’s just flat.

“No?” I ask

He shrugs, “No.”

What the fuck?
“Excuse me?”

“I said
, no. Do I need to spell it for you? N.O. No. I’m not moving from this house and neither are you so hand me the keys.” He opens his hand.

“Umm I don’t think so.” I try to shove past him but get pushed back.

He’s starting to piss me off. “For the love of god Angel, get the fuck out of my way!” I scream.

I try to get past him again and he stops me. “I swear to god
, Nevaeh, if you try to push past me one more time I will put you on your ass,” he seethes.

I let out a frustrated growl because I know he’s telling the truth. I see his lips twitch at the sound of me growling. I sound like a damn animal caged up. I try to calculate a way to get out of this situation and I keep coming up blank. There’s no way I can take him but maybe I can surprise him enough for him to drop his guard. The first
thing that comes to mind would be to get naked but seeing how he just saw me that wouldn’t work.

“Fine
, you win. Are you happy now?” I pull my backpack off and toss it back into the closet.

I mimic his stance and stare right back at him. I’m not going to back down. For once my stubbornness
will come in handy. He raises his eyebrows, I scowl. He smirks, I frown.

“Keys?” he asks
, hand out.

“What about them?” I challenge.

“Give me the damn keys, Nevaeh, and then I’ll be happy.” He tries to sound pissed but fails miserably.

“Why would I do that? It’s not like I can get past
you anyway and if I try your just going to knock me on my pretty ass right?” I smirk.

He shifts his weight and clears his throat. BINGO.
I smirk because he just revealed something and he doesn’t know it.

“Oh come on
, Angel, we both know you won’t do that. My ass is to pretty right?” I turn around sticking my ass out and look over my shoulder.

He’s struggling to keep his eyes from drifting down to my ass. “You’re not going to distract me by talking dirty.”

Damn.
Think, think, think.
“Oh, I’m hurt that you don’t think my ass is pretty,” I pout.

His eyes dart down
, looking at my lips, and then back up. “I think you’re absolutely gorgeous, even looking like a drowned rat, but that’s beside the point, Nevaeh. Give me the keys to your bike or I’ll just have it towed,” he smirks.