Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (38 page)

Do
give your first
name, and as appropriate, the online username people may know you
by.   It is generally not a good idea to give the people you meet at
these events your
real full name
, even if you have nothing to hide and
are not worried about who knows this sort of information about you.  The
reason is simple.  When
you
give your real full name, people may
feel as if they’re being pressured to give out
their
real full name in
return, and
they
may care about who knows that sort of information about
them
.  They might also get the idea that you don’t understand the
reason
for this unspoken rule, and why it is important to many of the people who have
to keep this part of their lives separate from their friends, families and
coworkers.  The last thing you want at this point is to give your new
friends any reason to believe you’d be careless with their personal
information.  This is, however, a good time to tell them any online
usernames by which they may already know you, or by which they may look you up
after the munch.

Do
be
yourself.  You may feel as if you’re under a lot of pressure to make a
good impression, and that can sometimes cause people to say and do strange
things.  The key to making a good impression with
this
crowd is
simple – be
authentic
.  Be
yourself
.   Nothing
raises a red flag in someone’s mind faster than the feeling that the person
they are talking to isn’t being entirely honest about who or what they
are.  Exaggerating or misrepresenting your experience, orientation, or lifestyle
is one of the quickest ways to become a pariah in the fetish community. 
You should
never
attempt to
bluff
your way through
anything
related to this lifestyle
, not even the simplest conversations.  
At best
, you’ll embarrass yourself.  Worse, someone could end up
getting seriously hurt, and that someone could be you.  Contrary to
popular belief, most people in the BDSM community
love to welcome and mentor
people who are new to it and eager to learn
.

Do
try to smile
and be a good conversationalist.  Your smile is always your best asset
when it comes to making good first impressions!  Don’t be afraid to start
a conversation with those you meet, and try to uphold your end of any
discussion that occurs.  Giving monosyllabic answers to questions can be a
quick way to put a damper on just about any exchange, so try to avoid giving
curt
yes or no
responses.   Even better, try to work a
question of your own into your responses.   For example, when someone
asks, “Have you been in the lifestyle long?” you could respond with, “No, I am
pretty new to it, but I am excited about learning more about it. Are there
people in this group who do mentoring?”

Do
try to find
something to like and compliment about those you meet.  This tip works
wonderfully in just about any social situation, with any kind of group, not
just with fetish groups.  One reason it can be very effective in
this
particular kind of setting is because it can help you to appreciate each
individual there as more than just a walking collection of his or her kinks and
fetishes.

Do
be observant
and listen actively in order to learn more about the group.  Being
observant involves watching for the little things that transpire between group
members, taking note of subtle customs or traditions, and especially to how
people like to be addressed.  Pay particular attention to which members
are paired-up with others, either as husband and wife, Master and slave,
Dominant and sub, or close friends.  Being attentive to such things can
save you a lot of embarrassment later.  Being an active listener means
more than just
paying attention
. It means becoming engaged, tactfully
asking questions, and getting clarification on the things you don’t entirely
understand.

Do
be interested
in people.  People usually find
interested
people to be
interesting
. 
One of the most flattering things that can happen to most of us is to discover
that
someone has taken an interest in us
.  Show a little
curiosity.  Admit to being intrigued, amused, or fascinated.  Just
try not to make it the kind of aggressive,
creepy interest
that causes
that person to wonder if she remembered to pack her pepper-spray.

Do
practice giving
a little introduction of yourself that includes a bit about your interest or
experience in the lifestyle.  In the business world, this is called an
“elevator
pitch,”
and it is designed to deliver essential information about you to
another person in a way that might pique his or her interest, and to accomplish
it all in
60 seconds or less.
 It is fairly common for a group’s
long-time members to be juggling several responsibilities simultaneously at
these kinds of events.  They may be acting as hosts and hostesses,
welcoming new guests, coordinating things with the restaurant staff, ensuring
the right people know when and where the after-party
(if there is one)
will be, and on top of everything else, paying sufficient attention to their
spouses, partners, dates or friends.  Expecting that person to allot you
more than a minute or two for introductions may be just a little unrealistic.

Do
treat people
with respect, and try to see them as more than just their kink.  Proper
manners are a
big deal
to these people – possibly more so than to
any
other group of people you will ever meet
.  Rendering proper respect
can include such things as respecting the lifestyle choices of others, the
avoidance of stereotypes and judgmental statements, and a quiet acknowledgment
of the fact that your standards of beauty, morality or excitement may not be
shared by everyone in attendance.  If a conversation topic makes you
uncomfortable, turn your attention elsewhere.  Tactless, inconsiderate or
rude behavior can sometimes result in the perpetrator being unceremoniously
“uninvited”
to future events.

Do
order something
off the menu if the munch is held in a restaurant.  This is actually far
more important than many people think.  After all, you’re meeting in a
business establishment, the owners of which have a right to expect to get
something
in return
for allowing your group to monopolize a large number of tables
for what sometimes can turn into an extended period of time.  Most
restaurant owners and management have a
word
for individuals who sit in
their restaurant for hours without ordering at
least
a beverage, and
that word is:
unwelcome.
If it happens more than a few times with a
certain group, it’s usually only a matter of time before the entire group
becomes unwelcome in the establishment.  If you’re flat broke and can’t
afford to purchase a meal, consider politely asking someone in the group to buy
you a beverage.

Don’t arrive drunk, or plan on getting that
way.  If you feel the need to have a few shots of “liquid courage” before
attending an event like this, don’t bother.  If you think being
buzzed
makes you more interesting to people, you’re probably mistaken.  If the
restaurant hosting the munch serves alcohol, having a drink or two with the
group is usually perfectly acceptable, though you may want to check with a
group leader first.  If you do drink, don’t overdo it.  Getting drunk
at a
party
can be fun and entertaining.  Getting drunk at a
public
vanilla gathering of fetishistas
can turn out to be embarrassing for
everyone involved and potentially dangerous to people’s relationships and
careers.

Don’t ask for personal details, beyond a first name
or online username.  This can be a difficult habit to break, since many of
us are taught our entire
vanilla
lives to engage in
small talk
that consists mostly of questions like: 
What do you do for a
living?  Where is your office located?  Are you married?  Do you
have kids?  Where do you hang out after work?
 This sort of
chit-chat may serve as a social lubricant in other types of gatherings, but at
a fetish group munch, it’s generally considered
bad manners
. 
Information is power, and most people in the BDSM lifestyle are simply not
willing to hand you – a complete stranger -
that kind of power
over
their lives the first time they meet you.  If someone
volunteers
that sort of personal information to you without being asked for it, you should
always consider it a sincere compliment and a leap of faith concerning your
trustworthiness, and never pass that information on to someone else without
their express permission to do so.

Don’t ask people where they hang out with their vanilla
friends.  Many people in the BDSM lifestyle live
dual lives
. 
That means they often maintain two
completely separate
social circles,
and as far as they are concerned,
never the ‘twain shall meet
. 
There are usually very good reasons for doing this, since our vanilla friends
aren’t always able to understand or accept the kinkier aspects of our lives,
and even if they could, we may feel that it simply isn’t any of their
business.  Try to respect that, so they won’t have to dread the
possibility that you’ll someday show up at their bible study group with
handcuffs and a riding crop.

Don’t invite yourself to any activity.  Never
forget that a munch is more than just a social gathering.  A munch also
serves as an informal
screening process
which helps to determine whether
it is appropriate to invite you to other less public events.  You may hear
some discussion about an after-party, or other events planned for the near
future, but you should resist the temptation to ask for details, or to make it
seem as though you are inviting yourself to them.  Some groups require you
to have attended a minimum number of munches – often as low as one – before you
are invited to attend other activities.  When the decision has been made
by whoever makes those kinds of decisions for the group, you will usually be
discreetly informed of it.  If a group leader asks you, “Are you coming to
the after-party?”  you may
then
consider yourself
invited,
and
ask for more details.

Don’t touch anyone without permission.  If it
consists of anything other than a handshake, it is considered
touching
. 
If you don’t have permission to
do
it, then it is considered
bad
touching
. 
Permission
means an expressed verbal authorization
to touch that person, delivered personally to
you.
Just because someone
has granted that permission to anyone else, or even to
practically everyone
else,
does not mean he or she has granted that permission to
you
.  The
permission must be explicit, not
implied
.  You
may not
assume that just because someone
appears
to want a hug from you, that
they
actually do
want a hug from you.  Usually, it is simply a
matter of asking,
“Is it alright if I hug you?”
  If a group member
is a slave, submissive, pet, or partner in any kind of relationship, then you
may be required to ask permission from his or her Dominant, as well.  As
you might well imagine, if group members are going to get
this
worked up
about nonconsensual
hugs
, you probably don’t want to test the waters
with random gropes or swats.

Don’t reveal information about other people. 
What happens at group events should stay at those group events.  The mere
mention of someone’s attendance or activities at another event may be
considered privileged information.  For all you know, that new person
sitting next to you in the restaurant while you’re describing a particularly
kinky BDSM scene that occurred last month involving a friend may just happen to
be your friend’s
boss
.  Another good reason for this rule is, in a
lifestyle that often involves BDSM play
outside of committed relationships
,
it is usually a good thing for someone to hear about the activities of his
partner from his partner, and not from some stranger who just happened to be in
the audience when it occurred.  Granted, it can sometimes be
extraordinarily difficult to have animated discussions about group activities
without referring to specific individuals by name, but give it your best
shot.  At the very least, you should avoid passing along gossip and other
personal information about anyone at all cost.  People love to
hear
gossip,
but they will also naturally assume that someday, they’ll end up as the subject
of your gossip.

Don’t assume everyone is there to hook up, get laid,
or find someone who shares their kink.  The most common reason people have
for seeking out a BDSM group is to learn that they are not alone; that there
are others out there who are a lot like they are.  Yes, there are
plenty
of people who are seeking out others who share their particular kink, but
the fact remains, the majority of people who attend a munch are there simply to
enjoy socializing with others who understand their world-view.  Once you
have attended a few events, you’ll have a much better understanding of who is
or isn’t looking to hook up, and you’ll have an informed basis for deciding
whether or not you’re interested.