Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (41 page)

People confuse
sex with love
all the time;
they also often confuse
BDSM with sex
. 
Neither
of those
statements should come as much of a surprise to
anyone.
  What
might
come as a surprise to many readers is the fact that,
sometimes,
people
confuse
love for BDSM,
or confuse
BDSM for D/s. 
Let’s take
a look at a few examples of how those scenarios can occur.

Ian and Natalie were both in their late twenties
when they were married, and it was a second marriage for each of them. 
They each went into
this
marriage determined to avoid the mistakes of
their past marriages, and to do whatever it would take to make this one
work.  Things went swimmingly for the first couple of years.  Then,
one night, Natalie awoke at 3 A.M. to find Ian’s side of the bed empty. 
Curious, she got up and walked down the hall, where she saw Ian in the den,
masturbating to internet BDSM porn.  Her immediate emotional reaction was
as if she’d caught him cheating with another woman.  She felt
betrayed
and inadequate.  Physically, it was as if she’d been kicked in the
stomach.  In that moment, Natalie feared that everything that she believed
about her relationship with Ian might be a lie.  She was, in a word,
devastated.

They
fought
until the sun came up
.
 
Finally, exhausted and angry and frustrated, they called a truce and pretended
to sleep for a few hours in separate rooms.  When they spoke again, it was
with cooler heads, and Natalie asked Ian the questions that had kept her
awake. 
“Why
couldn’t you just
tell me
that you liked that
kind of stuff? 
Why
did you have to keep it a
secret? 
I
am
your wife,
for crying out loud.  You’re supposed to be able to
tell
me shit like that!
”
 
 

Ian stared silently into his coffee.  Finally,
he looked up from his thoughts and said, “Do you remember when we first began
dating...?  That time we went into that sex shop and checked out all of
the kinky toys?”

Natalie nodded. How could she
forget?
 
They’d had
great fun
poking fun at some of the crazy things they’d seen
in there, and drooling over some of the more interesting items and
outfits.  In fact, she had even gone back to the store a few weeks later,
by herself, to purchase a
naughty French maid costume. 
She later
surprised him with it during their
honeymoon,
since she had always
enjoyed role-playing and dressing up in sexy outfits
.
  Suddenly,
she realized where he was going with this.  While in the store, Ian had
taken her to the aisle where the whips, floggers and paddles were displayed,
and casually asked her what she thought.  In retrospect, her answer
must’ve caught him completely off-guard.

Natalie had been physically and emotionally abused
as a child, both by her natural parents and, later, by her foster parents as
well.  She grew into adulthood equating BDSM with
abuse
, and seeing
the leather implements arrayed as they were in the store brought on a flood of
unpleasant memories.  She told Ian that she simply didn’t understand how
anyone
could
willingly
submit themselves to
that kind of abuse,
and
characterized the men who were into BDSM as a bunch of
“misogynists and
closet wife-beaters.”

Oh god,
she thought,
I did this to him.
 
I had no idea he liked that
stuff.  He was trying to tell me, and I wasn’t listening. Instead, I went
on a rant, basically calling him a woman-hater and abuser.  Jesus, how
could I have been so incredibly stupid?

They kissed and made up.  Ian promised that he
would no longer sneak off in the middle of the night to masturbate to BDSM
porn, and Natalie promised to keep an open mind about BDSM play and to give it
a try in the bedroom.  Their marriage seemed to be back on the right track
again.

There was just one little problem.  In
Natalie’s heart of hearts, the kinky play that Ian loved so much
still felt
like abuse,
and never failed to trigger a flood of painful memories from
her abusive childhood
.
  Even so, Natalie not only participated in
the kinky BDSM play,
she
encouraged
it and
pretended to enjoy
it
because she loved her husband very much and wanted
desperately
to
make him happy.  And for a little while,
it very much did.

Ian had been so thrilled by his wife’s decision to
try a little BDSM in the bedroom, he probably missed a lot of the little
telltale signs of the deception, at first.  But as their experimentation
became more elaborate and daring, he started noticing the kinds of things that
only a husband knows about his wife.  He had always
loved
the way
Natalie’s body reacted
physiologically
when she had an orgasm.  Her
face, neck and upper chest always flushed crimson red.  Her nipples
instantly hardened.  Her heart pounded.  And there was one more thing
that Natalie
herself
didn’t know about; you could literally
see and
feel
her pussy and ass going through a rapid series of tight spasms,
repeatedly clenching and releasing, again and again, faster than could ever be
accomplished through conscious effort.  Once Ian began
paying attention
,
he realized that Natalie had been
faking
her orgasms since they
began
experimenting with BDSM.  What Ian
didn’t
know at the time was
that,
now
, it was
Natalie
who was sneaking out of their bed in
the middle of the night to masturbate to
vanilla
porn! 

When Ian confronted her about the phony orgasms, she
admitted everything.  She told him that she was just trying to make him
happy, and working to keep their marriage strong.  She had felt that,
because
she loved him so intensely
, she ought to be able to
enjoy BDSM with him
through
sheer
force of will
.  She had decided to simply
ignore
the
fact that the BDSM play actually made her
nauseous
, stirred up awful
memories, and gave her nightmares.  Ian explained to her that he can
usually
tell
when she isn’t enjoying herself, and
knowing
that
made it next to impossible for
him
to enjoy himself, since he didn’t really
consider himself a much of a
sadist.
  Instead of
pleasing him
,
all Natalie had accomplished was ensuring that
neither of them
was
having any fun.

Ian and Natalie set aside the impact play and
bondage for the time being, and decided to focus instead on some of the kinks
that Natalie
did
enjoy.  She loved being sexually submissive,
enjoyed dressing up in kinky costumes, had developed an interest in
puppy
play
, and had always been bi-curious.  While doing some research on
pet play, she came across an online reference to a local BDSM munch group which
had several members who were into pet play, too.  She contacted a few of
them, and was invited to an upcoming munch.  Ian and Natalie soon became
members of the group and became friends with some experienced and knowledgeable
folks who were able to mentor and guide them in their exploration of the
lifestyle.  One of those people was a delightfully charming submissive
named Gabrielle. 

Eventually, Ian and Natalie came to love Gabby and
invited her to move in and join them in a D/s poly relationship.  Natalie
had always considered herself a submissive, but had never realized that it
could be possible to explore that facet of her personality
and her
relationship
without having to deal with the
“whips and chains”
that
she had always associated with submission and
despised.
  Gabby
shared Ian’s love for impact play and bondage, and she
also
shared
Natalie’s love of
cosplay and pet play.
  Having Gabby in their
relationship seemed to fill voids in
both
Ian’s and Natalie’s lives, and
Gabby was positively giddy in love with the two of them, as well.

It is unfortunate that Ian and Natalie’s experience
is not all that uncommon.  There are many people in the vanilla world who,
like Natalie, are all too eager to equate BDSM with
abuse
.  
Prior to these events, Natalie was also unable to separate any notion of D/s
from BDSM, which prevented her from exploring her submissive side for fear of
being exposed to the aspects of BDSM which she found disturbing.  She also
falsely assumed that, because her
love
for Ian was strong, that she
would be able to
power through
her deep distaste for impact play and
bondage.  Finally, to top off this menagerie of misunderstandings, Natalie
had assumed that, because Ian enjoyed impact play as a Top,
he must be a
sadist.
  She understood that sadists derive their pleasure from the
pain and suffering of others, and so her own internal logic told her that
her
lack of enjoyment of their kinky activities
was irrelevant,
as long
as she was making
him
happy.  But, of course, she
wasn’t.
 
Their tale is a lot like one of those classic
O. Henry
short stories,
full of profound misunderstandings and ending with a strangely ironic twist...
except
their
story has kinky sex toys and ends with a hot
threesome. 

A wise person once said that
time
exists in
our universe in order to keep everything from happening all at once.  It’s
extremely
rare to find lasting love, great sex, a hot D/s dynamic
and
awesome BDSM all in the same afternoon.  
Most
of us would be
overjoyed to experience just
one of the four
in any given day, and
frankly, that’s
usually
the way it happens.  Whichever one you
begin
with, you should do your best to avoid assuming that it’s going to be a
“buy
one, get the other three free”
kind of a day.  It’s incredibly easy to
get caught up in the excitement of the moment and, because we desperately
want
it all,
we sometimes can be a little too quick to believe that we
have
it all.
  Unfortunately,
wishing
doesn’t necessarily make it so.

Vicki was a bright, vivacious twenty-one-year-old
whose fairly extensive BDSM experience was relatively unusual for someone of
her age.  She belonged to three different local fetish groups, and
attended munches or kink events at
least
a couple of times each
week.  When she wasn’t attending socials or being a rope-bunny at play
parties, she was working as a nude vid-cam model, running a blog about boobs,
advocating for fetish and LGBT rights, watching bondage porn, or making friends
in BDSM chat rooms.  She loved practically every aspect of BDSM; there was
almost nothing that she wouldn’t try as a bottom. She enjoyed spanking,
flogging, whipping, paddling, rope play, needle play, breath play, knife play,
pet play
and more.
  In fact, she was
voraciously
hungry to
try new and exciting forms of BDSM play, which is how she met Mark.

Mark was a forty-five-year-old sales executive who
had been invited to do a fire-cupping demonstration for one of the local fetish
groups, which is where he became acquainted with Vicki.  Mark was a
Dominant who had just come out of a D/s relationship which had lasted several
years.  He had just gotten back into the dating scene and was interested
in meeting new people, so when Vicki volunteered to be his “cupping bunny” for
future demonstrations, Mark readily agreed.

They quickly became very close, and before long,
they were practically inseparable.  Within a
month
, they were
making plans to move in together, and even the normally taboo topic of marriage
began to pop up occasionally in their conversations.  They were honestly
just as surprised by their whirlwind romance as their friends and families, and
would often punctuate their discussions with, “This is crazy; s
eriously
crazy!” 
But it all
felt so wonderful,
they decided to just
go with it. 
Six weeks to the day after they met, they arranged to be
joined in an intimate collaring ceremony which formalized their relationship as
Master and submissive.  A few weeks after
that
, they began looking
for a house.  That’s when things began to unravel like a dollar-store
sweater.

Vicki had always loved being in constant contact
with her Master, and often called or texted him throughout her day just to tell
him that she missed him, or to ask him for his opinions on various topics or
routine decisions she needed to make.  Once they found the perfect rental
house and began making preparations to move in, she had
even more
reasons
to touch base with him.  In just one afternoon, she would call or text
Mark a
dozen or more times
, asking such questions as:  Do you like
beige curtains, or blue?  What kind of rug should I get for the master
bathroom?  Should I buy a garden hose, or do you already have one? 

At one point, she even felt compelled to ask him
what
color panties
she should buy and, frankly, Mark
enjoyed
making those
kinds of decisions for her.  After all, he was a Dominant, and
that’s
what Dominants do.
  Perhaps that’s why, at the end of a long day
punctuated by over a dozen calls from Vicki, Mark was surprised to learn that
she had failed to mention that she had
gotten her tongue pierced.
 
Mark was
livid
over the fact that he hadn’t been consulted.  After
a thorough dressing-down, he ordered her to remove the stud immediately. 
She tried, but was unable to do it.  He instructed her to have the stud
removed at the piercing salon the following day.  She tearfully promised
to do so. 

The following day came and went, with no discussion
or action on the tongue stud.  A few days later, Mark asked Vicki about
it.  She explained that removing the stud so soon would have been
“too
painful,”
but promised to have it done on Saturday, which was her day
off.   The weekend passed, once again with no action being taken on
the tongue stud.  Mark said nothing at the time, but was beginning to have
serious doubts about the sincerity of Vicki’s promises and her understanding of
what was at stake. 
Those doubts were magnified
exponentially
just a few days later when Vicki cheerfully announced, to Mark’s complete
surprise, that she had
bought a puppy. 
This was something they had
discussed earlier; a fact that Mark decided needed to be brought up.

“I thought we agreed that this was
not
a good
time to get a puppy,” he growled, “Our budget is strained, we’re both going to
be at work all day long, and we don’t even have any
furniture
yet.”

If Vicki could sense his irritation, she gave no
outward sign of it.  She bounced and squealed in her excitement, “I
know,
Master!  But just look at him! 
Isn’t he adorable?
  And
he was
only $250!”

Mark
lost it.
  For the first time
ever,
he
raised his voice at her.
  He railed at her for failing to
consult him on the piercing, for breaking two solemn promises to make it right,
and for violating their agreement to wait on a pet until they were settled into
the new house.  His angry tirade was
so
brutal, she shook and
sobbed uncontrollably for
hours afterward.
 The next day, Mark and
Vicki apologized tenderly to each other, and each promised to try harder to
understand the emotional needs of the other. 

A wary calm settled over their relationship for the
remainder of the week, until an innocuous evening discussion reopened their
still-tender wounds.  Vicki had been experiencing some minor, yet terribly
frustrating mechanical issues with her car, and had been hinting that perhaps
it was time to trade it in for something a little more dependable.  As she
paged through the automotive ads, she asked, “What do you know about
auto
leasing
, Master?”

Mark gave her the run-down on how leasing worked,
the costs involved, and the relative advantages and disadvantages of leasing,
as opposed to purchasing.  He followed that up with, “My guess is,
considering your age, low credit rating, and income level, you probably won’t
qualify for auto leasing.  I’d advise you to
buy.” 
Vicki
looked up from automotive advertisements and said, “When I
want
your
advice,
I’ll ask for it.”
 

Mark was
dumbfounded
by what he’d just
heard.  “
Excuse me?”
he said, “Perhaps you should consider
carefully what you’re saying, and how you’re saying it.  I don’t think you
have
any idea
the path you’ve just put yourself on.”

Vicki was angry and undeterred, however.  She
continued, “No, maybe
you
need to consider how harsh and uncompromising
you
can be.  You think you’re always right and, granted, you usually
are.
 
But I’m sick and tired of having it
rubbed in my face
whenever I screw
up.  I should be able to make mistakes without you making a
big deal
out
of it or saying
I told you so
.  You need to be more understanding,
you need to show a lot more compassion, and you need to
stop acting like a
jerk.”

Mark pondered her words and her emotional state for
a moment before replying, and when he did it was with quiet resignation. 
“I’m sorry, but it is
not your place
to tell me what I should
do
,
how I should
feel
, or how I should
act.
  If holding you
accountable for your
own promises
is harsh, then I guess I
am
harsh.  But when you screw up, it’s my job to
let you know
that
you’ve screwed up and to apply some corrective action.  That’s not
rubbing
it in your face.
  That’s called
accountability and discipline.”
 
He continued, “You say I don’t understand what you’re going through, but you’re
wrong.  Admittedly, it took me a while to figure it out, but I now know
exactly
what you’re going through.  Part of the reason why this has been so
hard for you is you’re simply not suited for it.  You may be a wonderful
bottom
,
but you’re a
lousy submissive.
  It’s just a shame that we’ve both
had to go through so much pain before figuring that out.  I’m sorry, but
this relationship is going
nowhere I want to go.
 You are
released.” 

And with those three simple words, it was over.