Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (44 page)

Polygamous marriage is still illegal in most western
cultures, so only one poly partner gets to be the
“real”
spouse, while
others are relegated to being mere
cohabitants
.  The list goes on and
on, but you get the idea. 
Someone
is always forced to be the
odd
one out
, and this can often become a sore spot if it is not recognized and
dealt with effectively.   It may be useful to discourage competition
and rivalry for those coveted
number two
seats by implementing a simple
system that randomizes or assigns seats fairly for all
concerned.    

Children
. 
The presence of children in a polyamorous relationship adds a level of
complexity and potential for problems that many people would rather not have to
think about, but it is a subject that should be given some thought, whether or
not the current partners in the relationship
currently
have any
children.  Typically, when a vanilla person hears, for the first time,
that you are in a poly relationship, the very first question they will ask is
“Do
any of you have children?”
  This question usually arises for one or
more of the following three reasons.  First, they may be confusing
polyamory with sexual
promiscuity
or
swinging
, and are worried that
the children will be exposed to orgies in the living room.  Second, they
worry that having
multiple pervy partners
in a household with kids will
increase the potential for child abuse.  And third, they worry that the
children may grow up believing the
crazy notion
that it’s okay to love
more than one person at a time.  In defense of your vanilla friends, two
of the three concerns actually do have some validity, and ought to be
considered.  Obviously, polyamory is
not swinging
, so that issue
can usually be laid to rest with a simple explanation of the differences. 
But introducing
any new adult
into
any
household
(mono or
poly)
with children increases the
potential
for abuse, and this
potential can be significantly higher if that person is, for example, a
sadist
. 
Further complicating the matter is the unfortunate reality that if any
allegation of abuse is made, the fact that a person is living an alternative
lifestyle will be counted as a strike against the alleged perpetrator in any
court of law.  Finally, while you
may
believe that polyamory is the
perfect lifestyle
for you
, you may want to give some serious
consideration to whether you want to pass that mindset and way of life on to
your children.  For some, the answer may be simple.  For others,
perhaps
not so much
.

The Final Straw.
 
You may be familiar with the old Arabic proverb that describes how a
heavily-laden camel’s back is
broken
by a
single straw
that is
added to his already heavy load.  This
final straw
parable
perfectly describes what happens when an already
overburdened
and
barely
functional
relationship is transformed almost instantly into a completely
dysfunctional
one by the addition of another partner.  When this occurs, it is
not
indicative of any systemic flaw in the concept or practice of polyamory; it is
the predictable consequence of introducing unknown variables, new personalities
and additional stresses to a
pre-existing bad relationship
. 
Stress
is how the mind and body react to perceived changes, threats or challenges that
we encounter in our lives.  Even positive changes can result in stress;
just ask anyone who has ever won the lottery. 

The introduction of a new partner into a
relationship, household or both can be an incredibly stressful event, even
under the best circumstances.  The closest
mono-vanilla
parallel
would be a couple
getting married
and establishing a shared household
for the first time; obviously
not
something one should be considering if
your current relationship is not a healthy one.  Polyamory may have the potential
to make a good relationship better, but it also has the potential to be the
proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Now that we have discussed the potential advantages
and pitfalls which you may encounter in a polyamorous relationship, let’s talk
about why it may be important to be
familiar
with polyamory, even if you
are not poly yourself and never, ever,
not even in a million years
plan
on becoming poly.  After all, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll go to bed
one night as a monogamist and wake up the following morning with the sudden
epiphany that you’re now a polyamorist.  But there are plenty of
other
scenarios
which are far more likely to occur.  You could, for example, one day end
up the concerned confidant who feels compelled to ask your poly friends, “Do
any of you have children?” 

Being properly informed about the true nature of
poly lifestyles can mean the difference between an expression of
interest
versus an expression of
condemnation
.  You probably
already
have poly friends you don’t know about who haven’t
come out of the closet
simply because they don’t expect you to understand or approve of their
lifestyle.  

You could also end up being a monogamous person who
falls in love with a polyamorous person.  If this happens to you,
don’t
panic
.  It is entirely possible to not only
survive
the
experience, but to
thrive
on it,
if
you can successfully manage
your own expectations and behavior.  First, you should understand from the
beginning that
it isn’t going to be easy
being part of what is sometimes
referred to as a
mono/poly
relationship.  Second, you must be
willing to go into it knowing that you have about as much chance of converting
your
poly partner
to monogamy as you do of converting a gay partner to
heterosexuality
. 
In other words, the odds are somewhere between zero and the proverbial
snowball’s
chance in hell. 
Third, don’t delude yourself into thinking that just
because your poly partner doesn’t have multiple partners
now
, that you
can somehow prevent them from being added to the relationship
later
. 
A poly person is
still poly
, even if he or she
currently
only has
one partner.

Polyamory is a paradigm; it is a way of
thinking
.  
It is founded in the notion that the human heart has an
infinite
capacity
for love.  Perhaps one of the easiest ways to explain the concept of
polyamory to a monogamist is to compare it to our attitudes about
friendship
. 

When we make a new
friend
, we never ask
ourselves whether
this
friend puts us over some imaginary limit on how
many friends we should be allowed to have.  We don’t feel the need to drop
one friend in order to make room for another.  We instinctively understand
that just because someone is our friend, that we don’t have the right to
control their feelings or behavior, nor should they feel entitled to control
ours. 

We don’t expect each of our friends to meet
all
of
our needs and interests, nor are we willing to give up our interests just
because our current friends aren’t much interested in them.  We may enjoy
going to the movies with one friend, dancing with another, and enjoying Thai
food with a third.  Even if it were
possible
for one friend to
match every one of our needs and interests, we’d probably
still
want to
make new friends.  We also
usually
consider any friend who is
irrationally jealous of all our other friends to be somewhat
problematic
. 

In spite of all of the challenges that must be
overcome, a few of our select friends occasionally somehow manage to navigate
the tortuous path that takes them from being just
friends
to becoming
our
lovers
.  And suddenly,
everything changes
. 

Perhaps the question we should be asking is,
why
does it have to?

To bring this chapter to a close, here are some
useful terms and phrases that are
unique
to polyamory.  They are
listed
here
, at the end of this chapter, rather than at the back of the
book because, for the most part, they are not
inherently
part of the D/s
or BDSM lifestyles.   While there is often a great deal of
overlap
between the poly and BDSM lifestyles, the majority of the people in the BDSM
lifestyle are
not
poly, and most poly folk are
not
BDSM.

The definitions provided here represent my earnest
effort to give the best and most useful rendering of the meaning of the listed
terms.  Please keep in mind that many of the terms listed have been
recently coined, may be controversial in their interpretation, or may differ in
meaning from one region to the next, or in different organizations or social
circles.

Bright-eyed Novice.
 
Typically a derogatory term for a person who has recently discovered polyamory
and whose head is full of
theory
, but has little or no actual
experience
with any practical application of a poly lifestyle.  Someone who tells
everyone how poly
should
be practiced, even though they’ve never
actually done it
themselves
.

Closed Marriage.
 
A marriage that allows for no outside emotional or sexual relationships.

Closed Group Marriage.
 
A
poly
marriage that allows for no outside emotional or sexual relationships.

Cluster Marriage
. 
A poly relationship consisting of two or more married couples living together
under one roof and engaging in
cross-couple
romantic and/or sexual
relationships.

Cross-couple.
 
Any relationship or activity between a member of one couple and a member of
another couple. 

Compersion.
 The
joy or satisfaction derived from the knowledge that someone you love is
expressing his or her love for another person. 
Compersion
is
sometimes referred to as the opposite of
jealousy
.

Complex Marriage.
 
A form of group marriage where all of the male members of the group are
considered to be married to all of the female members, and all the female
members are considered to be married to all of the male members.

Co-husband.
 
Any male in a group marriage who is one of at least two males in the
relationship.

Corporate Marriage.
 
A group marriage that is organized as a legal entity (i.e. as a corporation or
limited liability partnership) in order to have standing in the courts, and to
specify the legal obligations and privileges of the individuals in the
relationship.

Cowboy.
 
Slang reference to a monogamous male who becomes involved with a poly female
with the intent of separating her from her other poly partners.

Cuddle Party.
 A
term to describe gatherings which encourage the expression of physical
affection while at the same time forbidding sexual activity. 
(A
commercial trademark owned by Reid Mihalko.)

Cyclic Monogamy.
 
Sometimes referred to as
serial monogamy
.  The practice of having
multiple monogamous relationships, either serially or concurrently, and often
without the knowledge of the multiple partners, who believe their relationships
are monogamous.

Democratic Family.
 
A poly relationship where all of the adult partners are considered equal.

Dyad.
  A couple,
or a relationship between two individuals.  Poly people in dyads are not
considered monogamous simply because there are only two people in the
relationship.  See also:
Triad, Quad, Group Marriage.

Emotional Fidelity
. 
A term generally more common to swingers than in polyamory.  The practice
of reserving strong emotion or love for a particular partner or relationship,
even though sex may occur outside the relationship with other people.

Emotional Libertarianism
. 
A doctrine which teaches that each individual is responsible for his or her own
emotions; it is a personal choice, since no one else can
make
you feel
an emotion.  Thinking or saying,
“You made me angry”
runs counter
to the teachings of emotional libertariansm.

Exclusion Jealousy.
 
The fear of being neglected or abandoned by one’s lover.

Hinge.
  Typically
a person in a poly relationship who is the common denominator, center or crux
of a triad or vee, where the other individuals have little or no relationship
with each other. 

Line Marriage.
 A
poly marriage that periodically adds younger members to replace those who leave
or pass away, creating a sort of
immortality
for the relationship that
outlives any of its individual members.  The term was coined by author
Robert A. Heinlein.

O.S.O.
 An
acronym for Other Significant Other.

O.P.P.
  An
acronym for One Penis Policy.

Monogamish.
 A
term used to describe couples who are
generally
monogamous, but allow
limited sexual relationships outside of the marriage, as long as they are not viewed
as serious or long-term.

M.S.O.
 Acronym
for Most Significant Other.  Typically refers to the partner in a poly
relationship that has, for whatever reason, greater seniority or standing than
the other(s).

Panamory.
 
Refers to the ability to love a person without regard to their sex, gender
identity, or sexual orientation.  Being capable of loving
anyone
is
not
the same as actually loving
everyone
.

Polyactivist.
 
A person who is actively engaged in advocating for reforms that promote the
practice and philosophy of polyamory in the legal, political, social and
religious arenas.

Polyandry.
 
Refers to a polyamorous relationship in which a woman has more than one male
partner.  It is typically used to describe a polygamous or plural
marriage
consisting of a wife with two or more husbands. 

Polyfidelous.
 
The practice of being faithful to more than one partner, usually in a
polyamorous relationship, is called
polyfidelity
.  For example, a
polyamorous Dominant with two submissives may choose to be
polyfidelous
to his two partners, not engaging in intimate relations with anyone else. 

Poly Friendly.
 
An umbrella term used to describe a person, place, organization, business, or
policy that does not discriminate against people who are in polyamorous
relationships.

Polyfuckery.
 A
derisive term used to describe those who
call
themselves polyamorous but
who are, in fact, just sexually promiscuous.

Polygyny
. 
Refers to a polyamorous relationship in which a man has more than one female
partner.  It is typically used to describe a polygamous or plural
marriage
consisting of a husband with two or more wives.

Poly/mono or Mono/poly.
 
Any relationship between a monogamous person and a polyamorous one.

Polysaturated
. 
Humorous term used to describe a poly relationship which is
“full.”
In
other words, adding any more partners would cause problems for the
relationship.

Polyunsaturated
. 
The opposite of
polysaturated. 
A poly relationship with room for
more partners.

Polysexual
. 
Having multiple sexual relationships which do not involve love or
intimacy. 
(See polyfuckery.)

Pollywog
. 
A humorous term for a child in a poly household.

Puppy-pile Poly
. 
A term used to describe a poly relationship where
all
of the individuals
are romantically and/or sexually involved with one another, without clear lines
of relation or hierarchy, reminiscent of the way puppies sleep in a chaotic
pile.

Sororal Polygyny
. 
A poly relationship where a man is married to two or more women who are sisters
by birth.

Spice
.  A
humorous term that is sometimes used as the plural of
spouse.

Swolly
.  A
contraction of the words
swinger
and
poly
.  A person who has
multiple loving relationships, but also has recreational sex that doesn’t
involve emotional attachments.

Vee
.  (See Hinge.)

Zee
.   A
poly relationship consisting of 4 individuals forming a “Z”, or two
vees
joined by a relationship between the two
hinges
.