Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (45 page)

In the unlikely event that you haven’t guessed by
now, I
just happen
to be polyamorous and
have
been all of my
life
. 
It hasn’t always been easy, and there were plenty of times that I wished I
weren’t
poly, but it is what it is, and I am what I am.

Over the years, I’ve had many opportunities to try
and explain what I think it means to be poly to my monogamous friends and
potential love interests, with predictably mixed results.  Eventually, I
came up with something that I like to call my
“Spaghetti Story.” 
Don’t
ask me why I chose
spaghetti
to illustrate this little fable; it was a
completely random choice, which may or may not have been influenced by an
intense craving for Italian food at the time.  But, I digress.  Here
it is:

The Spaghetti Story – A Poly Parable

Imagine that you and I are friends, and that the two
of us are sitting alone in my dining room, side-by-side, at a large dinner
table.  Both of us are hungry, but the table is curiously set.  In
front of
you
, sits an empty plate.  In front of
me
, sits a
large bowl of –
you guessed it
- spaghetti.  It isn’t just your
typical large bowl of spaghetti.  No.  There’s more spaghetti here
than I could
possibly
eat in one sitting.  In fact, this is more
spaghetti than I could possibly eat
in a month
of spaghetti
dinners.  I could
probably
supply one of those Kiwanis Club
spaghetti dinner
fundraisers
with all of this spaghetti.  We’re
talking about...
a lot
... of spaghetti, here.

I look over to see you sitting there, behind your
empty plate, with your chin in your hands, staring at my colossal bowl of
spaghetti.  It’s fairly obvious that you’re
really hungry
.  I
can almost hear your empty stomach, growling like a dog does when you reach for
his favorite bone.

And so, I ask,
“Would you like half of this
spaghetti?”

For a moment, you regard me through suspicious,
squinting eyes, as you consider my simple offer.  Your suspicion turns to
self-righteous indignation, and you respond with a curiously puffed-up air of
moral superiority, “No thanks,
I don’t like to share.”

The
Moral of the Story

It seriously just
kills
me that I sometimes
have to explain the meaning of this little parable to some people.  I
mean,
come on
.  It just
isn’t
that complicated.  Even
so, for the benefit of
those few
, here it is, in a nutshell:

It isn’t
your
spaghetti to
share
. 
It’s
mine
.

You may want it
all
, but you end up with a
whole lot of
nothing
.  In the end,
others
end up reaping the
benefits of your pride and greed, but at least you’re making
someone
happy, even if it isn’t
you
.

I believe that the human heart has an
infinite
capacity
for love.  And
half
of infinity is still a
hell of a lot of
spaghetti.

With, or
without
breadsticks.

“Of
the delights of this world man cares most for  sexual intercourse, yet he
has left it out of his heaven.”

-
- Mark Twain

It is often said that the three topics you should
never discuss in polite company are sex, religion, and politics.  We’ve
already spent much of this tome discussing the
sexual
aspects of the D/s
and BDSM lifestyles, and in the
next
chapter, we’ll be touching upon
some of the legal and socio-political considerations that should be taken into
account by anyone contemplating a D/s relationship.  In
this
chapter, we’ll be exploring the connection between D/s and
religion
, and
discussing any significance that the link might have for
you.

According to the American Religious Identification
Survey (2008), 76% of Americans identify themselves as Christians, 4% as
belonging to other religions, and 15% are atheist, agnostic or have no
religious affiliation at all.  In other words, religion is important to
80%
of Americans
, and yet practically
nothing
has ever been written
about how religion affects the lives of those who are considering or currently
in D/s relationships, or living a BDSM lifestyle.

Our objective, in the following pages, will be to
attempt to fill that void.  Before we go any further, however, I
would
like to make a suggestion:  If you happen to be the sort of person for
whom
any discussion of religion
causes blood to actually gush from your
eye-sockets, this
might
be a good time to
skip ahead
to the next
chapter. 
Please.
This chapter is for the 80% of Americans who
are
religious, and may have concerns about this lifestyle
from within a
religious context
.  The other 20% should simply
move along;
nothing to see here, folks.

Questions concerning the compatibility of a D/s or
BDSM lifestyle with one’s
religious beliefs
are far more common than you
might think.  All you have to do is browse any random selection of online
religious forums or web sites, you’ll invariably encounter
a lot
of
inquiries similar to this one:

“My husband wants to start doing some BDSM stuff in the
bedroom, and I have to admit, I am curious and a little excited at the
idea.  We are both devout church-goers and don’t want to do anything that
runs counter to the teachings of our religion.  The problem is, neither of
us is willing to ask our spiritual advisor if it’s okay to do the whips and
chains thing in the bedroom.  We’re stuck, and don’t know where to go for
advice.  Help!”

For every person who gives voice to a question like
the one above, there are scores who don’t for fear of condemnation or
embarrassment.  There’s a common misconception, both among those with a
religious outlook and the non-religious alike, that there must be a fundamental
conflict between being devoutly religious and living a D/s or BDSM
lifestyle.  The reality is that, for most people, nothing could be further
from the truth.  People are often surprised to learn that we can, indeed,
build a very compelling case for both D/s relationships
and
BDSM
activities from within a devoutly religious world-view.  In the following
pages, we’re going to take a look at how BDSM and D/s relationships might be
viewed through the prism of religion, specifically Judaism, Islam, Buddhism,
Hinduism, Paganism, and yes, even
Christianity.

Judaism is the three-thousand-year-old
Abrahamic
faith which later became the foundation of Christianity.  For many, it is
simultaneously a religion, a philosophy,
and
a way of life. 
Interestingly, there are no universally held   beliefs or core
doctrines that are considered essential to being a Jew.  Some historians
have criticized Judaism for emphasizing the observance of customs, rituals and
observances over any specific dogma or
core religious beliefs
.  In
fact, there are some who consider themselves Jews while simultaneously
considering themselves agnostics or atheists.  There is no central
authority over Judaism, and doctrine is sourced primarily from the Torah, the
Talmud, and Maimonides’
(12
^th
century Torah scholar and Rabbi
Mosheh Ben Maimon)
Thirteen Principles of Faith.  Even so, there are
an infinite number of interpretations of each, which often makes it difficult
if not impossible to know what is -
or isn’t
- acceptable when it comes
to sexual or BDSM practices.

Generally speaking, Judaism teaches that sex within
the context of a committed relationship is a
good thing
.  The Torah
commandment known as
onah
requires a man to have regular sex with his
wife. The Talmud even goes even further, specifying how
often
a man
should have sex with his wife: Wealthy men should bed their wives
every day
. 
Common laborers are
cut some slack
, and are only expected to do it twice
a week.  Donkey-drivers are commanded to have relations with their mates
once a week; camel-drivers once every thirty 30 days; and sailors at least once
every six months! 

When it comes to how the Jewish faith views kinkier
activities and fetishes, things can get a little confusing, however. 
There is an old joke about a Jewish woman who went to her rabbi for advice on
whether or not it would be alright if she and her husband tried a little
BDSM.  She asks, “Would it be alright if my husband tied me to the
bed?”  The rabbi nods, and says, “
Not a  problem, my dear.” 
The
woman then asks, “How about if he puts me over his knee and spanks my bare
bottom?”  The rabbi replies,
“Nothing wrong with that. That would be
fine.”
   Somewhat emboldened, the woman asks, “Could we have sex
standing up in the middle of the living room?”  The rabbi just shakes his
head and says,
“I’m sorry, my dear, but that is forbidden.  That could
lead to mixed dancing.”

In the Judaic tradition, the term
isurei bi’ah
refers
to those with whom Jews are forbidden to engage in sex.  The list
includes:

·
        
Gentiles, meaning
non-Jews
.

·
        
Incestuous relations.

·
        
Mamzerim
, meaning anyone who is the offspring of a forbidden
relationship, such as adultery.

·
        
Any woman during her menstrual period.

·
        
Divorcees

Other acts that are expressly mentioned as being
forbidden include extra-marital sex, male homosexual anal intercourse,
bestiality, masturbation, ejaculating outside of a woman’s vagina, cuckolding,
cross dressing by either sex, having sex with the lights on, and males
performing oral sex on women.

When it comes to BDSM, however, things can get a bit
more complicated.  For example, would the restrictions against
incest
and
bestiality
forbid a person from engaging in BDSM
age-play
or
animal
role-play?
  Cross dressing may be forbidden, but what about
forced
feminization?
  Activities such as forced masturbation, forced
homosexual sex, and queening are just a
few
of the things that may
occupy this moral
grey area
in Judaism.  When it comes to D/s relationships
specifically,
Maimonides
seemed to subscribe to essentially the same
“safe,
sane and consensual”
philosophy that many in the BDSM lifestyle follow
today.
 
He wrote that a married couple should be able to engage in any sexual acts they
desire,
as long as both partners consent to them.
  He maintained
that there should be
no forced sex acts
, and that sexual relations
should always be conducted with “dignity and holiness.”

For adherents of the Islamic faith, the Quran, the
sayings of Muhammad (called the
hadith
), and the rulings of religious
leaders (called
fatwa
) are the ultimate authorities, even when it comes
to relationships, sex, and BDSM.  Despite the historic tensions between
the two religions, Islam and Judaism are both
Abrahamic
religions, and
there are a
lot
of similarities in their respective approaches to
sexuality.  They
both
forbid adultery, incestuous relations, male
homosexual anal intercourse, and sex with menstruating women, for
example.  Some restrictions on sex that are
unique
to Islam include
a prohibition on sex with a woman for forty days after childbirth, a
prohibition on sex during daylight hours during the month of Ramadan, and a ban
on sex while making a religious pilgrimage to Mecca.

One might naturally assume that slavery and the
ownership of concubines is accepted in many cultures where Islam is practiced,
that the teachings of Islam would be sympathetic to those in the D/s
lifestyle.  After all, a large number of them consider themselves Masters
and slaves, do they not? 

Islamic law not only allows for the ownership of
slaves
(jariya)
and concubines
(surriyya)
, but even goes so far
as to specify a Master’s rights to have sex with them, impregnate them, or to
sell them.  For example, if a concubine has a child by her Master, he must
acknowledge his paternity of the child, and no longer has the right to sell or
transfer ownership of the mother.  A Master may have as many concubines as
he wishes, and his wife may have as many slave girls as
she
wishes, as
well.  However, the Master does
not
have sexual access
to his
wife’s slave girls
.

For many Muslims, it may be difficult to know which
BDSM activities are
halal
(allowed), and which are
haram
(forbidden).  For the most part, Islamic law teaches that any form of
consensual
sexual intimacy between man and wife, or man and concubine is
halal
,
except anal sex or sex during menstruation.  A woman may not, however, be
compelled
by her husband (or in the case of a concubine, her Master) to perform any sex
act that may be considered to be physically, emotionally or relationally
harmful or demeaning.  This, of course, is always open to
interpretation.  Many Muslim sects have issued
fatwas
regarding the
practice of sexual sadism, classifying it as a harmful practice, and
essentially forbidding it.  Additionally, there are also a large number of
authoritative fatwas forbidding any
role play
of an activity that, in
reality, would be considered
haram
.  This would include BDSM
role-play activities like age play, incest play, pet play, rape play, and
forced feminization. 

Not only do many of the
private BDSM activities
between a man and a woman fall under the auspices of Islamic law
(sharia)
,
but participation in various BDSM
social activities
may,
as well.
 
A large part of the BDSM culture involves social events such as BDSM munches,
dungeon play, and play parties.  What might Islamic law have to say about
that?
 
It probably won’t come as much of a surprise when we say,
quite a lot.

The
good
news for Muslims, who are not
permitted to consume alcohol, is that alcohol is
rarely
served or
consumed at BDSM social events.
 The
bad news
is, there’s a
lot of other stuff that happens at BDSM social events that
is
considered
haram
under Islamic law.  For example, gender mixing is
a big
no-no,
and you won’t see many single-sex BDSM events being held in your neighborhood,
or
anywhere
, for that matter.  Another
haram
practice you’ll
see quite often at BDSM events is the wear of fetish clothing, which can be
quite revealing at times.  Not only does sharia forbid exposing any part
of the female body to a man who is not her husband, but it
also
forbids
exposing a woman’s “private parts”
(awrah,
defined as the area between a
woman’s navel and her knees) to
other women
, as well.  So,
exhibitionism
is definitely
off the table
.  But as long as you keep
your
clothes
on, you should be good to go,
right?
 Wrong.  According to Dr.
Saalih as-Saalih, an authority on such matters, the prophet Mohammed also made
it unlawful for a woman to look at the
awrah
of another woman.  The
bottom line:  If you’re a Muslim, and you’re into BDSM activities, you may
just want to conduct your BDSM activities in the
privacy of your own home.

Sharia may have a lot to say about BDSM
activities
,
but there’s actually little or nothing in sharia that forbids you from having a
fulfilling D/s
relationship
.  Whether that relationship is
Master/slave, or Dominant/submissive, sharia seems quite accepting of the D/s
relationship
dynamic
, as long as it is
heterosexual, consensual,
doesn’t harm the
participants,
and does not
simulate
something that is forbidden.